Not seeing grandkids

25Avalon

Why is it down to your son to make arrangements to bring his kids and not down to dil? Do your ds and dil not live together? I presume they do and if this is your view then I am not surprised dil has taken against you and keeps visits to a minimum. If you talk to your son I think you could well make the situation worse and even end up estranged. Do not go down that road. Parents make arrangements together.

Well why is it Dils job to facilitate bringing the kids to me or making arrangements.
And nowhere have I said dilemma has taken against me,I think that's your imagination.

Why is it down to your son to make arrangements to bring his kids and not down to dil? Do your ds and dil not live together? I presume they do and if this is your view then I am not surprised dil has taken against you and keeps visits to a minimum. If you talk to your son I think you could well make the situation worse and even end up estranged. Do not go down that road. Parents make arrangements together.

Yes, DiamondLily!!!!!

L1ort138562

NiceDream

That sounds very reasonable to me., that would mean if they cancel 9 times out of 10 you only see them 2 or 3 times a year?

I think you do need to talk this through. Maybe there are other ways to make this work, like meeting at a park or arranging meals. Talk to them, see what is said.

Ok, so on top of whatever stress this young adult is facing, he should now also worry about how his mother feels.

Every weekend, he needs to think whether he gave his mom enough attention.

Make it make sense.

I'm out. Good luck.

When those 2-3 visits a year turn into 0 visits every year, make sure you learn nothing.

Good that you’re out. Posts made just to be unpleasant are helpful to no one. 👍

BlueBelle

*I'd be in a lawyer's office in a heartbeat* starfire I find that such a strange thing to say it would cost a LOT of money and would probably break down the whole.e relationship, that’s really taking a sledgehammer to crack a nut .

I still find the whole thing strange

I saw my son Monday, was supposed to collect kids from school but the day got away.Which is why yesterday was suggested.And I text and they said they're not too well

What does ‘the day got away’ mean do you mean you failed to pick them up from school as arranged if so then that’s the reason she didn’t want to trust you the following day
I m sure there’s more to this than we are hearing

Well, of course, I thought I mentioned that as a last resort. If you are being completely cut off, for an indefinate period.

I mean, at that point, wouldn't you say the "relationship" is pretty much done anyway? What would we be trying to save in that case, other than getting to be a part of the grandkids lives.

Yes, costs money. The bad part of that is some people may not have it. Just like dads who have to still fight for their rights to their own kids; used to be, dad's had no rights, really, kids and home automatically went to the wife.

Now joint custody is a right, it did take a long time. But still, money.

I just talked with a nice man, a contractor doing my concrete work and he mentioned his struggle....he continues to pay and pay because his former wife comes up with more demands for money he doesn't have, he already pays child support and alimony, but it's just not good enough. Even when he wins, he is out money for court costs.

Felt bad for him. It sounded too, like some parental alienation was going on with his son. We talk a lot here about grandparent alienation, but some unfortunate parents go through the same thing with ex spouses.

He was sad, but hopeful that when his son gets out of high school, things will be different. The mom never showed up to plays, ball games, competitions; he did and hopefully his son will realize someday what a great dad he has.

BlueBelle

*I'd be in a lawyer's office in a heartbeat* starfire I find that such a strange thing to say it would cost a LOT of money and would probably break down the whole.e relationship, that’s really taking a sledgehammer to crack a nut .

I still find the whole thing strange

I saw my son Monday, was supposed to collect kids from school but the day got away.Which is why yesterday was suggested.And I text and they said they're not too well

What does ‘the day got away’ mean do you mean you failed to pick them up from school as arranged if so then that’s the reason she didn’t want to trust you the following day
I m sure there’s more to this than we are hearing

No thet brought me shopping and by the time we got back to my house,they aid they were bringing the kids to the park.
Which is why Tuesday was suggested.

Look I don't blame my dilemma,the only reason I mentioned her and where they live is because someone else asked for a backstory.
Its down to my son to make arrangementsand to bring his kids ,thats not on Dil at all.
.

I didn’t understand “the day got away” or where you said “I have teenagers at home as well “.

Do you mean your grandchildren are teenagers as well as your own teenagers at home. But then you wouldn’t be collecting them from school.

Sorry but you’re really not being very clear about what you mean by “seeing’ them or - well- any of the circumstances really.

I'm not sure what you mean by was supposed to collect kids from school but the day got away

Does that mean you were going to collect them and then couldn't?

I would never say to my son i want to see my grandkids more often even if I did. Young families have busy busy lives without any pressure from MIL. They will resent you if they feel they have to bring the kids to see you rather than wanting to. I understand it can be lonely when you see your own kids starting families without you being at the centre of it. Im sure you are not being forgotton about! Perhaps they feel they dont want to burden you as you still have teenagers at home. I did everything for my son and DIL when they first started out. Nothing makes me happier than seeing them leading a happy life together. They live very close but I dont see them every week. They work, have a child and have a full social life. Could you not offer to babysit for the parents to have a day or night out?

DubAngel

NiceDream

Hi, how often would you like to see them ideally?

Ideally twice a month.
I know they've other stuff going on.

It feels I've to make an appointment but everyone else can just drop in.

Then why not just drop in yourself? If they live so close by why not walk that distance (good for your physical and mental health to be out and about ) .
Even if you only stayed for a short time, it is better than nothing. Maybe they see your need for arranged visits to be not practical.

I'd be in a lawyer's office in a heartbeat starfire I find that such a strange thing to say it would cost a LOT of money and would probably break down the whole.e relationship, that’s really taking a sledgehammer to crack a nut .

I still find the whole thing strange

I saw my son Monday, was supposed to collect kids from school but the day got away.Which is why yesterday was suggested.And I text and they said they're not too well

What does ‘the day got away’ mean do you mean you failed to pick them up from school as arranged if so then that’s the reason she didn’t want to trust you the following day
I m sure there’s more to this than we are hearing

BlueBelle

It doesn’t sound as if you are being pushy at all and twice a month is not very much especially as you helped them out at the beginning of their married journey
How many grandkids and how old are they?
I m not sure what you can do because it sounds like the daughter in law has taken against you for some reason
If they are old enough could you offer to have the grandkids at yours one day or night a month to give them a day or night out or off
When you say if you visit they push you off after an hour How do they do that ?
It really sounds as if the daughter in law doesn’t like you for whatever reason
It’s a shame and I feel for you

Could also be that the DIL wants her parents to end up the favorites of the grandkids. Really sad situation. Grandparent alienation is just now being recognized as elder abuse....child abuse too, if the children get close to their grandparents then have to give them up.

She could go to court, but I think it's better to have an established part of the grandkids lives in order to win; however it doesn't sound like the OP has had much of a chance to have done that. But maybe the OP could get some visitation. Right now, grandparent's rights are in it's infancy, much like father's rights used to be. It's a shame they don't step that up in society. Guess everything takes time.

If I was completely cut out, I'd go for it. I'm not yet, but there are red flags all over. My grandkids have 10 years before adulthood so I don't want to miss out on these next 10 years, so if the plug got pulled, I'd be in a lawyer's office in a heartbeat.

We've (husband and I ) been a huge part of my grandkids lives so far, up until a bit of distancing lately but not completely. This all started because of a friend, a husband and then a bad turn of events for my daughter who took it out on me, although I had nothing to do with it.

I have tons of pictures and videos from when they were infants up until now, throwing parties for them, going places and paying, etc.

A judge looks at that kind of involvement as a good thing for kids. I'd never want to go to court, but I wouldn't hesitate if someday we got completely cut out! I don't just lie down without a fight first.

Idk, I would do it anyway.....see a lawyer! That is, only if talking more to your son or trying other things doesn't work out in the end.

Hopefully somehow you can get across to your son how you feel without causing a big problem.

Really does seem unfair; I get it that kids belong to parents but that's not a lifetime thing, only until age 18 and it's criminal to cut people out of their kids lives when the kids have no say.

It doesn’t sound as if you are being pushy at all and twice a month is not very much especially as you helped them out at the beginning of their married journey
How many grandkids and how old are they?
I m not sure what you can do because it sounds like the daughter in law has taken against you for some reason
If they are old enough could you offer to have the grandkids at yours one day or night a month to give them a day or night out or off
When you say if you visit they push you off after an hour How do they do that ?
It really sounds as if the daughter in law doesn’t like you for whatever reason
It’s a shame and I feel for you

Crossstitchfan

It sounds as though, whether you realise it or not, you have upset him/them. He certainly doesn’t want to see you. I think you need to have a talk with him and find out what is going on, or this could go on for ever.
I think you have done something that’s upset him but you can’t remember what. Maybe that’s the problem? You did something but didn’t realise it was hurtful at the time. He was hurt though and you need to find out why.

I'm not sure that's always the case. Some DIL's tend to prioritize their own parents. As a DIL, I would have never done that and my MIL was quite pushy at that. I know my husband would push a bit back if she got to be too much, and I know I'd never cut out my MIL at the same time.

Today, marriages tend to not be such a team effort and lean to one side or the other, especially when young women want to dominate everything these days.

Then they wonder why men take off later on.

Yes, it sounds like the DIL is making it all about her parents. I've heard of this before. Your son is most likely trying to keep his marriage intact, because men today seem to be scared of women. The nice women get dumped and the difficult ones can do just about anything and the husband accepts it.

Strange backwards world.

I don't know what you could do, other than move right into their neighborhood like the other in laws. And next time they are "sick", just say that's ok I'm not worried about catching anything, and I'll bring soup .

It sounds as though, whether you realise it or not, you have upset him/them. He certainly doesn’t want to see you. I think you need to have a talk with him and find out what is going on, or this could go on for ever.
I think you have done something that’s upset him but you can’t remember what. Maybe that’s the problem? You did something but didn’t realise it was hurtful at the time. He was hurt though and you need to find out why.

I'm glad you're out L1ort and that PUuu's post has been deleted.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Here's some details
They lived with me when they first had the baby they then moved miles away

I was the only 1 that went down to them.
They had no car for years so of course we brought them everywhere.
No problem with that.

They then moved up beside her mother.
I understand she's going to he closer to her.
But I'd like to be included in some things.
That's not being unreasonable.

She had her family to stay for a few months.
I basically get told to go home after an hour.

I always treated his partner well,never interferened.
Always there when they needed something.

I feel left out and I don't think I'm unreasonable to feel that.

Lathyrus3

Twice a month doesn’t sound unreasonable but you do have to flip the coin and see what it looks like for them.

For instance, are they both at work? At least one day at the weekend will be spent on doing food shopping, washing, ironing etc. That leaves four days a month for family time. Are there others to visit in that time as well as you? Another grandparent or maybe two other grandparent visits if there’s been divorce. Do they want to do fun things with the children, going to places, as well as visiting relatives? How old are the children? Are they playing with friends or going to activities at the weekends?

I’m not saying any of this does apply to your situation, just that twice a month that doesn’t feel that much to one person can be quite difficult to squeeze in for others who have a lot going on.

I don’t think you’ve really told us enough about the whole situation to enable people to make good suggestions.

I understand they're busy.
I'm jot looking to Go down every weekend or every morning in the holidays, I just want to be thought of without having to beg.

I've teenagers at home as well.

Twice a month doesn’t sound unreasonable but you do have to flip the coin and see what it looks like for them.

For instance, are they both at work? At least one day at the weekend will be spent on doing food shopping, washing, ironing etc. That leaves four days a month for family time. Are there others to visit in that time as well as you? Another grandparent or maybe two other grandparent visits if there’s been divorce. Do they want to do fun things with the children, going to places, as well as visiting relatives? How old are the children? Are they playing with friends or going to activities at the weekends?

I’m not saying any of this does apply to your situation, just that twice a month that doesn’t feel that much to one person can be quite difficult to squeeze in for others who have a lot going on.

I don’t think you’ve really told us enough about the whole situation to enable people to make good suggestions.

NiceDream

That sounds very reasonable to me., that would mean if they cancel 9 times out of 10 you only see them 2 or 3 times a year?

I think you do need to talk this through. Maybe there are other ways to make this work, like meeting at a park or arranging meals. Talk to them, see what is said.

I'm just wondering how to start the conversation,
I'll ring in the morning.
I saw my son Monday, was supposed to collect kids from school but the day got away.
Which is why yesterday was suggested.
And I text and they said they're not too well.

And let’s all remember how to read usernames backwards…

That sounds very reasonable to me., that would mean if they cancel 9 times out of 10 you only see them 2 or 3 times a year?

I think you do need to talk this through. Maybe there are other ways to make this work, like meeting at a park or arranging meals. Talk to them, see what is said.

NiceDream

Hi, how often would you like to see them ideally?

Ideally twice a month.
I know they've other stuff going on.

It feels I've to make an appointment but everyone else can just drop in.