So, is this a good idea?

madeleine45

It seems to me that things have got into a muddle. Your daughter is mixing up how to treat her own children in your house and remembering how things used to be when she was at home with you. The result seems to be a total muddle and no one can see the way to go. So let us look at the reality. No matter if she blames you for the way things were when she was a child, or chooses to take the part of her father , what you need now is a clear indication of how and what you expect to happen in your house. That is your space and your home, and whilst she may behave in a very different way with her children, I think you should make it clear the simple rules you expect to be abided by in your home.

So think about what really matters to you, and dont let the worry that she might use this as a way to avoid seeing you. Just work out the things that most matter to you in your life, and then firstly speak to your daughter and explain that things seem to be becoming muddled . That the children also will find it difficult to know exactly how they are meant to behave.

So you could say you just want to clarify how things are in your home. For instance you may state that outside shoes should be taken off on wet days in the hall and slippers or whatever put on. That outdoor clothes should be hung on pegs or whatever. Then look at meal times. State that you expect everyone to come to the table straight away when food is ready. That all your efforts to provide good food should not be spoilt by leaving things to get cold or messing about with food. You might also add that no dessert will be given to anyone who does not eat the main course. Then stick to it, rigidly at first until they all understand the system. That you expect to be telephoned if people are staying out to lunch or coming back late etc. As the host I think it is y our responsibility to organise meals - but they can help and your daughter can wash up etc and clear away if she has not helped with the meal.
I would definitely declare a no go place for phones at the table. I would even just get up and remove and throw away a meal if someone starts looking at their phone . Do NOT offer anything else, although you may allow the miscreant to make themselves a sandwich or whatever but do not under any circumstances offer anything else or make any effort to do anything else for them. You have provided a decent meal and if they cannot treat it with respect then you are not responsible to provide anything else.

So the overall thing is that you make it clear that you live your life the way you do. That they are very welcome but you expect them to stick to your rules, as you would do in their house. You do not have to explain your rules or have arguments about it , simply state your rules in your house. It may seem hard in the beginning but actually the children will probably find it much easier to know what they should do. As to your daughter , should she start looking at her phone, when she should be dealing with a situation , I suggest that you continue eating your meal, making no comments , or altenatively get up quietly and go and sit down, making it very clear that it is not your problem and it is down to her to deal with her children .

Later on you may have the chance to discuss the situation and how she feels about the divorce etc, but mostly you need to tell her that you put up with quite enough, and that the divorce is the only sensible way to go and get on with your life. Whether she likes it or not, is of no concern. It is what you need to do to get on with your own life. You have done your best and now you have the right to concentrate on the way to live your own life with as little hassle as possible.

So DONT argue or discuss, simply state what you are doing, how the house rules are in your place . If she does not like your situation, you can arrange to meet in a neutral place like a cafe or a childrens play area etc. I do feel that you will end up in a better and less confused situation if you try this. GOOD luck

Well thank you for all that. Sounds like I really just need to grow a pair and do what I feel is best.

InRainbows

Sounds like she is coming to you for a "break" and expects you to take over the childcare in your home. Really up to you if that is what you would be happy to do. I know that when my parents are around they tend to take over with children. I'm happy to let them and enjoy watching them all play while I have a nice sit down.

Hmm. I guess that could be part true as well. I don't mind I mean I don't care for doing it but if it keeps her from complaining and I get to see the grandkids..........then I definitely don't mind.

It seems to me that things have got into a muddle. Your daughter is mixing up how to treat her own children in your house and remembering how things used to be when she was at home with you. The result seems to be a total muddle and no one can see the way to go. So let us look at the reality. No matter if she blames you for the way things were when she was a child, or chooses to take the part of her father , what you need now is a clear indication of how and what you expect to happen in your house. That is your space and your home, and whilst she may behave in a very different way with her children, I think you should make it clear the simple rules you expect to be abided by in your home.

So think about what really matters to you, and dont let the worry that she might use this as a way to avoid seeing you. Just work out the things that most matter to you in your life, and then firstly speak to your daughter and explain that things seem to be becoming muddled . That the children also will find it difficult to know exactly how they are meant to behave.

So you could say you just want to clarify how things are in your home. For instance you may state that outside shoes should be taken off on wet days in the hall and slippers or whatever put on. That outdoor clothes should be hung on pegs or whatever. Then look at meal times. State that you expect everyone to come to the table straight away when food is ready. That all your efforts to provide good food should not be spoilt by leaving things to get cold or messing about with food. You might also add that no dessert will be given to anyone who does not eat the main course. Then stick to it, rigidly at first until they all understand the system. That you expect to be telephoned if people are staying out to lunch or coming back late etc. As the host I think it is y our responsibility to organise meals - but they can help and your daughter can wash up etc and clear away if she has not helped with the meal.
I would definitely declare a no go place for phones at the table. I would even just get up and remove and throw away a meal if someone starts looking at their phone . Do NOT offer anything else, although you may allow the miscreant to make themselves a sandwich or whatever but do not under any circumstances offer anything else or make any effort to do anything else for them. You have provided a decent meal and if they cannot treat it with respect then you are not responsible to provide anything else.

So the overall thing is that you make it clear that you live your life the way you do. That they are very welcome but you expect them to stick to your rules, as you would do in their house. You do not have to explain your rules or have arguments about it , simply state your rules in your house. It may seem hard in the beginning but actually the children will probably find it much easier to know what they should do. As to your daughter , should she start looking at her phone, when she should be dealing with a situation , I suggest that you continue eating your meal, making no comments , or altenatively get up quietly and go and sit down, making it very clear that it is not your problem and it is down to her to deal with her children .

Later on you may have the chance to discuss the situation and how she feels about the divorce etc, but mostly you need to tell her that you put up with quite enough, and that the divorce is the only sensible way to go and get on with your life. Whether she likes it or not, is of no concern. It is what you need to do to get on with your own life. You have done your best and now you have the right to concentrate on the way to live your own life with as little hassle as possible.

So DONT argue or discuss, simply state what you are doing, how the house rules are in your place . If she does not like your situation, you can arrange to meet in a neutral place like a cafe or a childrens play area etc. I do feel that you will end up in a better and less confused situation if you try this. GOOD luck

Sounds like she is coming to you for a "break" and expects you to take over the childcare in your home. Really up to you if that is what you would be happy to do. I know that when my parents are around they tend to take over with children. I'm happy to let them and enjoy watching them all play while I have a nice sit down.

25Avalon

That’s sad Smileless. I still think d has some hung ups though which she takes out on mum.

This is so true. If I only knew this could happen, maybe I would be in a better position right now. I had a great relationship with her but sometimes that's not as solid as we think and I made the mistake of thinking it was.

Smileless2012

It could be that Avalon but I don't think so. From Starfire's previous posts about her D it really does look as if she 'can't do right for doing wrong' and her D just looks for reasons to complain and criticise.

looks for reasons......yes, very accurate....

25Avalon

It sounds like she wasn’t happy you didn’t take a more proactive role in discipline when she was a child. Now seeing you with the gc projects her back to that age and her resentment resurfaces so she takes it out on you that you are not disciplining them as she thinks you should. I may be wrong of course but it’s a thought.

Well, that is a thought......although she used to complain about her dad all the time, it actually seems like she respects him a bit more (although not by much). So maybe that could be a reason as well.

I do really hate having to discipline but perhaps with the softer touch like everyone here is saying. I notice my daughter will stop certain fun activities for a time period or completely during the misbehaving, perhaps I can do that.

GrannyIvy

I expect my DD to discipline her children at mine and if she doesn’t I will do so gently as I don’t tolerate bad manners and behaviour. I do take a softer approach and tolerate more than I would have accepted as a parent tho. Grandparents are allowed to spoil their grandchildren but not have to put up with bad behaviour and rudeness! A parent should be on this immediately in and out of their own home.

Yes, a parent should! But it's like she gets upset at me when she has to. I really think it's just a way for her to try and justify trying to slowly shove me out of their lives, so I will not let it happen.

Most of the shoving was preventable if I had been paying attention, but I never dreamed my own daughter who was like a best friend before her divorce would become like this. So, now I'm starting to pay attention, hopefully not too late, as it is enough damage has been done.

butterandjam

I prefer parents to manage/direct/discipline/correct/ their own children. It's better for the parents and the children.

But if they don't, and their brat is being a PITA affecting my peaceful enjoyment of the universe, it's my turn, my way.
Soft voice, HARD eye.

Good to know. I may have to go this route.

25Avalon

That’s sad Smileless. I still think d has some hung ups though which she takes out on mum.

Very perseptive. Yes, she does take alot out on me since the divorce. Before that we were like best friends. That part still saddens me but now I have love from grandkids and don't want to lose them on top of that.

GrannyIvy

I expect my DD to discipline her children at mine and if she doesn’t I will do so gently as I don’t tolerate bad manners and behaviour. I do take a softer approach and tolerate more than I would have accepted as a parent tho. Grandparents are allowed to spoil their grandchildren but not have to put up with bad behaviour and rudeness! A parent should be on this immediately in and out of their own home.

Agree. Ok, this helps me. I think I will try this idea now.

Luckygirl3

If a problem arises with the GC when the parents are here I leave them to deal with it and stay right out of it.

If a problem arises with the GC when they are not here I deal with it.

This, yes!! I agree that is the way, it's normal.....but this whole thing with my daughter is not going the normal path. She literally complains about my house and no discipline. That just screams to me she is expecting me to do these things and she gets miffed so much when I don't, I am starting to think she will use it as an excuse.

She comes up with the lamest excuses to continually push me out of their lives, you would not believe it.

I'm not sure why I've gotten into a very abnormal situation like this....I know the events/sources but still, cmon! It's nuts.

That’s sad Smileless. I still think d has some hung ups though which she takes out on mum.

I prefer parents to manage/direct/discipline/correct/ their own children. It's better for the parents and the children.

But if they don't, and their brat is being a PITA affecting my peaceful enjoyment of the universe, it's my turn, my way.
Soft voice, HARD eye.

It could be that Avalon but I don't think so. From Starfire's previous posts about her D it really does look as if she 'can't do right for doing wrong' and her D just looks for reasons to complain and criticise.

I expect my DD to discipline her children at mine and if she doesn’t I will do so gently as I don’t tolerate bad manners and behaviour. I do take a softer approach and tolerate more than I would have accepted as a parent tho. Grandparents are allowed to spoil their grandchildren but not have to put up with bad behaviour and rudeness! A parent should be on this immediately in and out of their own home.

It sounds like she wasn’t happy you didn’t take a more proactive role in discipline when she was a child. Now seeing you with the gc projects her back to that age and her resentment resurfaces so she takes it out on you that you are not disciplining them as she thinks you should. I may be wrong of course but it’s a thought.

I agree with Smileless, talk to her and ask her what she wants you to do. The most common approach I have come across is usually for the parent to take charge of discipline in someone else’s house when they (the parent) are there, and for the ‘in loco parentis’ person to do so if they’re not. It is not fair for her to hand parenting over to you when she’s at your house and then complain about how you do it! We do try to follow our son/ dil’s rules as much as possible when the gc are with us, but inevitably there will be differences, and we all accept that.
So my advice would be not to unilaterally decide ^anything ^involve your daughter in the decision and then subsequently remind her that she was part of the agreed approach if she then has an issue with it.

If a problem arises with the GC when the parents are here I leave them to deal with it and stay right out of it.

If a problem arises with the GC when they are not here I deal with it.

Hmm. I could. I will think about it. You say it's odd....yes, that seems to be the story of my relationship with her the after her divorce.

I can't tell you how many times a friendly message with a question has turned into an attack about whatever it is...or sometimes develops into attacks about previous stuff or things that she decides to assume about my motives/intentions.

She literally has no trust in me and I know where that comes from. Someone she knows is projecting her own mom issues onto my daughter on top of the obvious divorce upset since it all happened.

Yes, my situtation is not only an odd one in just one way, it's odd in other ways. Like compounding interest on an account, keeps growing from all investors, many players directly causing my intentions, heart and meanings to be twisted so badly that I usually cannot have what most people call a normal conversation with my daughter, as you suggested.

I will take it to heart but think about it. I am afraid to, like I said, because any time I ask her things like this, she starts in on me, sometimes even diverts from the grandkids, harps on my mothering techniques (Hey, we didn't have the internet back in the 70's to tell us every single thing to do!!) or accuses me of something else with the kids all twisted up in a knot.

I literally avoid communicating with her now except in very simple, friendly conversations. It's like she's a neighbor I don't want to offend. It's ridiculous and yes.......odd.

Well, odd seems too normal a term for this insane thing, actually.

I've never been a pushy mother. I had one of those, but she loved and treated me well, so I cannot complain. But, it could be difficult at times and I vowed to never push my kids.

Guess that was a mistake. Too late now. I really want to be a part of the grandkids lives or I'd just give up and move away. Really. Heart too broken to continue hoping she'll change.

this is an odd one Starfire because we so often hear from GP's who are being criticised for 'taking over the parental role' and from parents complaining that GP's are interfering.

With our boys if they were at their GP's and misbehaved while we were there, we would respond only expecting GP's to do so if we weren't there and they were in their charge.

They always acted up if they'd spent time alone with their paternal GP's because they were allowed to 'get away' with behaviour they weren't able too at home.

You need to talk to your D about this. Ask her if she wants you to take the lead if discipline's needed in your home because you don't know what to do for the best, and certainly don't want to 'step on her toes'.

This OP and your posts on other threads do suggest that your D likes you to be uncertain how to be with her and the children, and whether or not the current arrangement in terms of you seeing the children is going to change. So, rather than second guessing and/or walking on eggshells; ask her.