I have two young adult offspring that I've not spoken to in fifteen years. I've had health troubles that kept me underemployed even when things are relatively good, and there have been a lot of not so good times. Their mother was sober, but she relapsed after we got divorced, and I hardly recognize the sad creature that replaced the woman I married. She was too old for late onset schizophrenia, but she gets afraid of things that are just impossible. She's deeply deceptive and manipulative. Looking from afar and adding up all that I have heard, this seems to be narcissism.
My son seems to have taken the place as the designated source of all my ex's troubles, which was my role the last two years we were together. He got in a lot of trouble as a teen, but seems to have settled down. I no longer see police reports with his name on them.
My daughter seems to be the exact opposite – straight A student, great career, never any trouble from what I can see.
Neither she nor her brother leave much of a trail online. We lived in a city where her family has deep roots, while I was a newcomer. I just don't know much of what happened after my health troubles began. She put out a lot of effort making it look like I was the one who went crazy and it stuck.
I've spent time poking around on Reddit, there's a lot of support for people who have abusive parents, but nothing for the estranged other parent.
I recently received a diagnosis, the good kind, What's been making me sick now has a name, and simple treatments reduced most of the symptoms in about a month. The kids need to know, they may have inherited this stuff from me. I contacted their mom, and got the usual ration of nonsense – she was sure she knew precisely what my psychiatric diagnosis was, then ranting about all my perceived faults. I'm sure she's never passed on a message to the kids to contact me.
So I would like to contact them. I think I'm going to hunt up their addresses and send certified letters. But before I do I want to know what the pitfalls are. They're old enough to make their own choices, well out of the late teens/early twenties stuff, but I feel like I've got one shot at this, and I don't want to make some huge gaffe and wreck any chance of reconciliation.
Are there any specific resources on how to handle this? I imagine someone, somewhere has written a book, but I don't want to do a bunch of reading of things of unknown quality. I'd rather hear from those who've been through this, what they tried, and if it worked.
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Estrangement
Contacting Estranged Young Adults
(14 Posts)This poses more questions than answers, they are young adults now and you left 15 years ago, their mother was sober, then became an alcoholic and had mental health issues, your son already had issues, the mother couldn't cope. Did you support them, or leave them to it, did the mother cope with all the bad behaviour on her own and without money. If the answer is yes to any of those points, I would leave it alone. If they want you they will seek you out.
I would have loved to ge reunited with my daughter and I was the one that did do it all. Thankfully I had no problems with mine, good and kind kids and done better than I ever dreamed of, , I am proud of that, still I was estranged by d, have to live with it, I just cared and guided them into adulthood, now it's their choices based on that. They are parents themselves now and doing things their way but with their partners at their side. The children of one parent lose out on a lot however good the one looking out for them is. We are mom, dad, friend and disciplinarian hard to get everything right.
She sneaky relapsed, we got divorced, she muddled along for years, then really spun out not long after I got sick. The combination of her paranoia and the family connections chased me out of town. Her inheritance was 5x - 10x our mortgage and she still managed to lose the house despite that.
A quarter century has gone by and even now if she gets some little scrap of information about my life she'll use it to cause trouble for me. As an example of how that works, when I still lived there I restarted my business after getting her all the way out. When she learned of this, she started calling my customers, telling them I was crazy/violent/etc.
Everybody's ex is crazy, I get that. But a legit objective comparison? Mine truly is and we've all paid a terrible price.
I understand that you want to make them aware of some treatable. inherited health risks your children may have.
This seems a valid reason for contacting them but I think it has to be done very carefully.
My suggestion is that you begin with what you factually know about them and write this information down- stuff like DOB, the last address you have, any info from on-line searches etc.
It may be a slow process but eventually you may find a means of contacting them.
I would also do a DNA test on one of the web-sites that connect people to close relatives, as they may also be on there and even looking for you.
Yesterday I met up with a friend and her dad who found each other through such a site about five years ago- he is now in his 80s and very frail but is so glad his daughter (who he had suspected may be his but never really knew because of her mother's lies) got to find him and the bond between them was very clear to see. So, don't give up.
If you do find how to contact them then use the medical issue as the main reason.
I would also include a sincere apology for the things you failed to do, and then leave alone.
I wish you well in your search, but be prepared for a lot of heartache along the way.
They would not have any trouble finding me if they wanted to do so - our family name is unique, I own the .org domain for it. If they Google it would take them about three minutes to get my email and the same phone number I've had for about twenty years. I found a phone number for the girl a while ago, got no response from a text. I don't think the detective work on them will be all that difficult, in my former career we sometimes had to trace people who'd skipped on leases, I still know some people in the business.
So I'm more asking ... what does one say to a potentially really bitter kid now that their brains are fully formed?
It sounds to me like they don't want contact.
Relationships don't need brains but a heart- and our hearts come fully formed, they just need to grow.
I think unless you stop seeing it as a project with a method to be followed you won't get anywhere, sorry
I've kinda been expecting I would not hear from them until maybe after their mother dies. I've had chronic trouble, she's had "how the heck did she get out of THAT" health stuff for quite a while now.
This just seemed like a chance to do something a normal, responsible adult would do. And no one should have to lose a great big slice of their life over some shifty thing that's easily treated, once you know the name for it.
Obviously if your name and whereabouts are easily found, contact with you is not something they want.
However, if you have vital medical information, the responsible thing to do would be to have a solicitor contact them on your behalf with the medical details and nothing more.
You seem to be hoping this will lead to “reconciliation”. I can’t see that frankly. You sound far too angry for that to happen.
DiscardedDad
I've kinda been expecting I would not hear from them until maybe after their mother dies. I've had chronic trouble, she's had "how the heck did she get out of THAT" health stuff for quite a while now.
This just seemed like a chance to do something a normal, responsible adult would do. And no one should have to lose a great big slice of their life over some shifty thing that's easily treated, once you know the name for it.
Your children know who you are and could find you if they wished. Clearly they don't.
They had a traumatic childhood; abandoned by father in the care of an alcoholic mother with severe MH problems; then losing their home. According to you, their mother is severely mentally ill; and according to her, you are. So it can hardly be news to your children that they have two sick parents and might/could develop familial health problems in future.
If they do develop mental or physical symptoms, they will know they are ill.. If and when thatv happens they can seek medical diagnosis and treatment from doctors.
The last thing they need is you delivering more bad news, something new to worry and stress about.
I agree with Lathyrus DiscardedDad.
Have a solicitor write to them to pass on medical information on your behalf. Details of how to contact you if they so wish could also be included but from what you've said, it seems unlikely they would wish to do so.
Solicitor and barrister are U.K. terms, U.S. uses the words attorney or lawyer. They're interchangeable, does not denote a difference in duties. In practice there are attorneys who are like solicitors, seldom appearing in court, and there is a separate trial lawyers association for those who do get in front of judges and juries, but it's optional, it's not an identifying mark.
And that's not something I can do. If I hire a lawyer and they send letters, kids tell mom, and she'll have the police at the guy's office because someone sent her a spam email last Tuesday that made her afraid. She is literally that disconnected from reality at times.
Having read your last post DiscardedDad I don't see what you can realistically do.
There is nothing you can do. They are adults now. You have to acceot things as they are as it becomes harrassment.
No, you’re not making sense.
A lawyer sends a letter informing your children that they may have inherited a medical condition. That’s nothing to do with your ex when fe and is not a criminal action. Why would the police be involved?
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