My son will not allow me access to my granddaughter

I'm trying to work out exactly the timeline here as it seems a bit confusing

1. 10 years ago you fell out with your ds over a family business that you ran with your ex-h - I'm a bit confused here as in some posts you say it was a family business and everyone had inputs and in others that your DS was just an employee. Is that what the fallout was about? That he thought his made a big contribution but was told he's just an employee and felt pushed out?

2. But it seems that ds is still on good terms with your ex-h as he moved in with him. Did your ex-h think that DS was more involved with the business that you do?

3. 7 years ago he had a daughter with his wife. Did he meet his wife before or after the bust up? I am presuming they were not married because your son moved in with your e-h at some stage. I don't see how you can expect "access" (an odd choice of word) to a GD if you haven't spoken to the parents for 10 years. Why is it you blame the DIL?

4. At some stage during this estrangement you have divorced, remarried and gain 6 sgc and want contact with your biological GD. Is your current husband the result of an affair? Did your son take his dad's side in the divorce? (I'm just asking because it might make your DS less amenable if he blames you for the divorce)

As it is it seems like a lot has happened during the years
Your DS felt forced out of the business
After DS left the business it shut down
You divorced your husband and remarried a new husband
DS lived with his dad for a bit
DS married and has a 7 year old
DS refuses to speak to you but you blame DIL and want access to a 7 year old you have never met

It sounds very messy but I think it's clear that DS does not want you to send him things

Touche

The title of this thread bothers me. What the OP is compaining about is access to her grand daughter, not even access to her son.

Her son is not denying her access to her grand daughter. She is estranged from her son and that estrangement means she has yet to meet her grand daughter as his marriage and her birth has happened since the estrangement - and that is a very different thing indeed to the title.

Given the falling out over the business and estrangement that followed, I cannot understand why she should have any expectation that she should see her GD until the estrangement is first dealt with and she is reconciled with her son.

Like others, it bothers that she blames her unmet unknown DiL for the continued estrangement. The fault lies with her and her son and until she faces up to that and makes positive attempts to reconcile with her son - and this may mean being more conciliating about the cause of the business disagreement. I can see no solution to this problem.

Some people can be so daft! They have no idea the many different ways estrangements can occur. It's not always a sign of bad parenting!

Sometimes your children can be whisked away in the middle of the night by extraterrestrial beings, never to be seen again.

Or like in my case, they sometimes unsuspectingly open an ordinary closet and end up spending decades helping a lion win a great big war against a witch of ice.

It's not just bad parenting.

DiamondLily

Babs03

A rather sweeping statement @TheTaxWoman, is a bit like saying all estranged ACs are just entitled snowflakes, which would be totally unfair and incorrect.
The OP may be making assumptions about the DiL but that doesn’t indicate that she is unable to analyse her own possible mistakes or lack of understanding, in my own experience the first thing estranged parents ask is “what have I done wrong?’
But perhaps you know many more estranged parents than I do.

Don’t be daft. Estrangement happens for many reasons. 🙄

Sorry. Meant that for the previous poster. 🙄

Babs03

A rather sweeping statement @TheTaxWoman, is a bit like saying all estranged ACs are just entitled snowflakes, which would be totally unfair and incorrect.
The OP may be making assumptions about the DiL but that doesn’t indicate that she is unable to analyse her own possible mistakes or lack of understanding, in my own experience the first thing estranged parents ask is “what have I done wrong?’
But perhaps you know many more estranged parents than I do.

Don’t be daft. Estrangement happens for many reasons. 🙄

I think the one heart felt really heartfelt letter is worth a try but after that

I think you could be a much loved and loving Step-grandparent. These days it's not at all unusual. Yes it would hurt deeply if it were my DS

but dont let it take away from the present spaces where there is happiness.

Babs03

A rather sweeping statement @TheTaxWoman, is a bit like saying all estranged ACs are just entitled snowflakes, which would be totally unfair and incorrect.
The OP may be making assumptions about the DiL but that doesn’t indicate that she is unable to analyse her own possible mistakes or lack of understanding, in my own experience the first thing estranged parents ask is “what have I done wrong?’
But perhaps you know many more estranged parents than I do.

Very well said.

I am currently going through similar. My default mode after having suffered emotional and verbal abuse as a child is to think that I am to blame and that there is something wrong with me, however my adult child has PTSD and has had something of a personality change. It is heartbreaking as PTSD sufferers become emotionally disconnected.

Hello Pening - I’m not sure whether you’re still reading but if so, my advice would be this….are you on good enough terms with your ex to ask him for his take on where things went wrong? If not, is there anyone else you could ask for an objective honest appraisal of what happened? Ask them to be entirely honest - if you let them sugarcoat things & say that you were entirely blameless in this, and that isn’t true, then you won’t get anywhere. Then take some time to think about whether there is any truth in what they have said. If not, then there is not much you can do and you may just have to reconcile yourself to estrangement, heartbreaking as that is. If there is any truth in it, and you could have done or said something better, write your son a letter and apologise. Properly and genuinely. Not a ‘lawyer‘s apology’ where you qualify it by saying “I’m sorry you were upset”, but a really heartfelt apology for something you did or said that you now recognise could have been done better, and that you sincerely apologise for it. No qualifications, no attempts to justify yourself (I presume you’ve already done that), just an unequivocal apology. Then you may start to get somewhere x

What a silly generalisation it is isn't it Madgran.

Estranged parents would rather blame spouses, friends, the internet, even society itself before even just taking a single glance in the mirror.

What a silly generalisation! 🙄

A rather sweeping statement @TheTaxWoman, is a bit like saying all estranged ACs are just entitled snowflakes, which would be totally unfair and incorrect.
The OP may be making assumptions about the DiL but that doesn’t indicate that she is unable to analyse her own possible mistakes or lack of understanding, in my own experience the first thing estranged parents ask is “what have I done wrong?’
But perhaps you know many more estranged parents than I do.

Summerlove

Pening

We fell out 10 years ago , but has since got married and had a daughter. He wanted to run the business alone, but it was a family business split between my ex husband and me, my son worked for us.

I’m not sure why you’re blaming your child’s spouse and in-laws when your estrangement happened before them?

Well if she can't blame the spouse than she would have to blame herself.

Estranged parents would rather blame spouses, friends, the internet, even society itself before even just taking a single glance in the mirror.

if it brings YOU comfort than DO IT yes HollowSong.

Pening

We fell out 10 years ago , but has since got married and had a daughter. He wanted to run the business alone, but it was a family business split between my ex husband and me, my son worked for us.

I’m not sure why you’re blaming your child’s spouse and in-laws when your estrangement happened before them?

Smileless2012

Hello Pening and welcome.

We have been estranged for almost 13 years so I understand how heart breaking this is for you because we don't just lose our child, we lose GC too and we lost our only GC.

Think about whether sending gifts and face book messages to which there is no response maybe feeding your pain. If doing so brings you some comfort then you should continue but if not, maybe you should think about stopping.

When there is no communication and hasn't been any for some time, there really is nothing you can do accept make the most of what you have.

Enjoy your beautiful step grandchildren because even though they cannot take the place of the grand daughter you have never met, being a step grandmother must be better than not being one at all .

"If doing so brings you some comfort then you should continue"

Pening listen to this!!

Don't stop, not even for half a second, to think how it may affect your son to continuously receive deeply unwanted contact. Especially after all of the abuse he put you through all these years by ignoring you!

If it brings YOU comfort than DO IT!!!

Wish I had the answers but haven't. Sorry for you. Just send cards and build a life now with those you do have, don't waste your life as he is doing what he chooses, he has a mind of his own.

It must be very hard for you ...sorry I don't have any answers

I’m so sorry you have lost the chance to build a relationship with your grandchild. I think you should give up sending the gifts. Maybe write him a letter explaining how much it pains you not to have contact and asking him to forgive you for whatever it was that upset him so much (presumably £££).

BlueBelle

Good grief LucoMucho who the heck are you ?
You sound like some witch casting a spell or worse

🧟‍♀️

It must be a joke, but not in the least bit funny.

BlueBelle

Good grief LucoMucho who the heck are you ?
You sound like some witch casting a spell or worse

That’s what I thought!! Please ignore Pening!

I’m genuinely confused how his wife, that you never met, is responsible for the estrangement. Are you even sure he knew her at the time, since the estrangement is 10 years, but the marriage is 7?

Or are you blaming her for not repairing the situation?

Hello Pening and welcome.

We have been estranged for almost 13 years so I understand how heart breaking this is for you because we don't just lose our child, we lose GC too and we lost our only GC.

Think about whether sending gifts and face book messages to which there is no response maybe feeding your pain. If doing so brings you some comfort then you should continue but if not, maybe you should think about stopping.

When there is no communication and hasn't been any for some time, there really is nothing you can do accept make the most of what you have.

Enjoy your beautiful step grandchildren because even though they cannot take the place of the grand daughter you have never met, being a step grandmother must be better than not being one at all .

Good grief LucoMucho who the heck are you ?
You sound like some witch casting a spell or worse

I am struggling not seeing them, he is my only child, I miss him do much. Struggling to cope with the fact he does not want to see me. Not sure what I have done that is so bad, I cannot see him and my granddaughter. The business is finished. I can’t change that, Covid sorted that. Just struggling .