Low contact

Once a week contact, on its own, I wouldn’t see as low contact.

My DD and I, who have a great relationship, rarely meet more than that, unless there’s a problem.

She’s got work and her life and friends.

I’ve got my life and friends.

It’s more about the quality of the relationship.

It’s very sad, whatever the reason, when a parent/adult child relationship breaks down.

Voluntary preschool

What's VPK anotherGran?

My parents would say the same thing. For me personally, I could take the overbearing-ness and the steam rolling when it was just me, but not when it comes to my children.
Me having children has been a huge stress on my parents and I’s relationship. If she brings up one more time how she thinks my son is ready for VPK I’m not gonna talk to her for two weeks. I love my mom, I value her opinion, her opinion is my child is ready for VPK (she has expressed that and now she needs to stfu) I know my child is not ready for VPK. I have told her the reasons multiple times. I get angry because I am a stay at home mom and are with my children 24/7. I think I know them pretty well, my mom visits twice a week. She doesn’t need to insert her opinion anymore.

I read the article carefully and I don't see the arrogance. I see difficult choices for good reasons. Far better I would have thought to avoid the trauma of a total estrangement by keeping safe distance and preventing situations that are probably really going to hurt the mother as well as the daughter in different ways.

I think it the past the older generation had the most power, so going no contact was rarely done or done by moving away and phoning and visiting rarely.
My mother told me she never even thought ti criticise her mother. It just wasn't done and her mother was far from perfect....actually very controlling, divisive and hard!

I never fell out with my parents or in laws so never had no contact, I was wondering maybe, if one if those estranged by an adult child ever witnessedtheir mother or father go low or no contract with one of their parents. .

Smileless2012

I think it's a shame that that has been lost as the thread's progressed Furret because it doesn't appear to be something that's often discussed.

Low contact and no contact instigated or desired by a parent is rarely covered when these topics are being talked about.

Thank you.

My parents in law were low contact by choice.

They had a very active and full social circle of shared interests which we didn’t share. A visit to them disrupted their lives and they hated to come to the city where we lived.

They were perfectly content with their horses, dogs, chickens and friends. I admit I was sad when they weren’t interested in the grandchildren but we kept in touch and visited with once a year, booking a weeks holiday accommodation and meeting up for a couple of hours two or three times during the week.

We accepted that family was not very important to them and that other aspects of their lives were. Whenever we tried to increase contact it led to conflict.

I think I learned that you can only expect from people what they are prepared to give, even if you would like more. And that asking for more only causes grief.

I think it's a shame that that has been lost as the thread's progressed Furret because it doesn't appear to be something that's often discussed.

Low contact and no contact instigated or desired by a parent is rarely covered when these topics are being talked about.

I think a few people haven’t read my OP - the gist of it wasn’t the usual ‘child choosing to go low contact with mother’. That was the article yes, but my take was sometimes it works the other way around.

Thankyou- although I have left this thread and haven't read a lot of the comments.

Most families go though stages of high or low contact- to me it is quite normal human behaviour. I really have nothing esle to say on this.

keepingquiet

I read the article too. I found it interesting that someone (I don't remember the details) thought this was a new thing!

Don't the media just like to 'label' things?

Most families I would say operate on this basis from time to time and it is perfectly normal.

Quite agree. I think this has actually been going on forever we just called it “busy” or “preoccupied “ to seem more polite about it. But I also think estrangements aren’t new either - it just used to be talked about differently “they moved away” “took some space “ “went abroad” etc.

I think it depends on what is low contact and why. If there’s no problem, it shouldn’t be an issue.

I wouldn’t expect to see my DD more than once a week, although there’s no problems with us. . She’s got a busy life, and so have I. We try to juggle visits, but it’s not an issue for either of us.

If there’s a reason to, we phone each other x

My son lives in America, so we chat once a week, message if there’s a reason to, and he visits once a year. All good.

People need to live their own lives, and, unless you have to rely on help, it’s best not to assume family members, of any generation, need to fill the gaps. 😉

Low contact will taper to no contact. They do not care. The sooner you accept that and not yearn for what was, what you could have done, the better it is for you. Our job is done for many parents. Make a new life and keep busy.

My daughter does sometimes treat me like a toddler now, wiping my face, buttoning up my coat and so on. I don't think I am quite there yet, though I may be soon. Perhaps it is nice for her to experience a bit of role reversal and become the boss rather than the bossed. But of course it can also be a burden to have an old child to look after. Especially if that old child is cantankerous and difficult, as I can be.

I do sometimes demur but not much because I do understand and I love her and she loves me. We have had an unusual life where we have both been chronically ill. She was bedridden for many years and I was her carer though ill myself. A very painful life for us both but also one with unexpected joys and blessings which made us close

Perhaps say something to your daughter about how you feel. Not confrontationally or resentfully. If you feel you can't do that perhaps you could steer the conversation yourself to topics of discussion that interest you. It is a shame not to have a more rewarding relationship. For both of you.

I didn't have a very good relationship with my own mother in her old age. It was a loss to us both and I regret it. I didn't have the maturity to understand her needs as she aged and was unhappy or the self confidence to be calm and not defensive. This was before I and my daughter became ill and I became a bit of a better person. We all have our strengths and weaknesses.

It is interesting that you get on well with your son. I wonder if you have always had a different relationship with him than with your daughter and if that has anything to do with him being a boy and a man and her being a girl and a woman. But of course they will be very different people too.

All sorts and falling star I’m so with you on that!

I haven’t read the article but have noticed there are more and more of them and I usually wonder why any AC thinks they are so perfect themselves and have the monopoly on decisions which affect not just them but maybe GC/partners who do get on with each other and the condemned relative. I have learned to accept that some close relatives gel and others don’t and also that nothing is forever. At different times our needs and connections change. Life can be strained and hurtful for sure. Many times I have observed a jealousy from an AC towards another relationship. It has taken me a long time and lots of self reflection too to accept the differences between family members but I have never chosen no contact but understand low contact. I think though that an explanation is sometimes needed but sometimes not. Maybe in this situation try and break the pattern of discussion, letting your husband be alone with her or preparing for the meeting by taking out photos of your past life and talking about it. No one is a mind reader, what riles one, another is blissfully ignorant of. Try and refresh the relationship and be pleased she wants to see you!

Mamar2

This has touched a raw nerve. I'm on the receiving end of 'low contact' with both my daughters. I've given my life for them & love them totally. I keep on giving & loving but they are too busy with their own families/lives. Heartbreaking.

And I am sorry. I know how you feel. We are not alone, it's becoming a terrible habit these days.

Mamar2

This has touched a raw nerve. I'm on the receiving end of 'low contact' with both my daughters. I've given my life for them & love them totally. I keep on giving & loving but they are too busy with their own families/lives. Heartbreaking.

Thing is, I always understood the busy thing. Life is busier these days, no more days of mom's staying at home while dad works and all the things expected of mom's these days to keep up with kids, school stuff and a social life.

But....every couple of weeks, despite all this, my daughter would go to lunch with me or go somewhere with me. Once as an adult, she talked me into Disneyland passes, to which I hadn't really had since my son stopped working there. We had fun.

And as much as I enjoyed her company, it seemed she'd call me to do something before I even had the chance to think about it. I felt guilty of that, but loved the fact she wanted me and her to be close.

Same thing, when grandson was born, always wanting me to go. I remember one time, both husband and her were going to take grandson to the zoo and I actually felt like I had been in too much; they were a new family and I just didn't want to make either of them feel I had to be a part of every single thing, so I told them how happy I was to be invited, but next time, because they hadn't had a chance to go themselves lately on an outing!

Now I wish I had been more selfish.

I don't mind busy. But don't tell me she couldn't get a chance for one lunch in 2 years. I do see her with the kids, but she's been reducing that from what it used to be.

But just like me, chances are, it really isn't "busy" that is keeping the visits low. It's "we don't care"....

This has touched a raw nerve. I'm on the receiving end of 'low contact' with both my daughters. I've given my life for them & love them totally. I keep on giving & loving but they are too busy with their own families/lives. Heartbreaking.

Jojo1950

Must be difficult but at least you see your grandchildren.
Sounds like your daughter has mental
Health issues. I feel so sad for the children.

If this message was for me yes, I guess she does. Her soulmate of 15 years dumped her for a young girl, right after getting her pregnant with their second child. I guess that would be enough to cause some mind damage.

Even my grandson was only 3 at the time and he ended up with behavioral problems ever since. But, he's older now, getting a lot better. My granddaughter, in the womb at the time, never experienced that childhood trauma my grandson did, and it shows. She's a model student, very popular and a literal ray of sunshine whatever she is doing. And she's only 5.

However, my daughter is worse with me. I think I've been scapegoated for all her life woes. She also has tried to alienate me with my grandson because we were so close when he was little, which btw she encouraged for the longest time before things happened to her.

It has probably worked; he's ok with me but more distant than he used to be. It breaks my heart. Only reason I keep trying is maybe he'll get over it. She's told him some lies, which I have tried to refute to him, not sure if he believes me or not, he doesn't say. He's only 8 and I don't want to press him or make him feel bad.

I just read somewhere up until age 10 or 11, kids usually have no concept that their parent could lie or tell them something that may not actually be true or factual. Around age 11 is the age their minds sort of expand to realize this.

So I leave those things now, unless they are brought up again.....otherwise, when he is a bit older I may ask him what he feels and then explain things again, when his mind is more open.

Here's what bugs me, is the bad influence. If my grandkids, let's say, didn't like me, that would suck but if it was of their own accord, ok, that's life.

But being manipulated to dislike a grandparent who loves them and that they loved too.......pure evil in my book,

Can you only imagine the outrage if that was reversed; if I was trying to make my grandkids dislike their own mom......and that outrage would be justified, but, why is there no outrage for grandparents in that situation, why does society always favor the young?
Ageism I guess?

I am glad to be able to see them still, even if she cut out half the time I used to. I only worry that in their young minds, they feel sort of abandoned by me, that I don't really want or need to be around so much. I've told them I miss them, but I don't know how that translates to the young mind.

Well, but like you said, at least I see them. Very diminished time this last year from what I normally saw them, but still, not estranged.

I hope when my husband finally retires after this year, it will open up more opportunity to see them more, if my daughter isn't as inclined to say no to her dad, since it's usually just me because my husband commutes to another state for his job and they don't see him as much.

Hopefully. It may all work out. I know one thing, our plans now center around the grandkids, meaning, if they still love us despite her, they may be the center of our decisions on what we do for who.

GoldenAge

As a psychotherapist I have had many clients of 30+ years who can't manage a decent relationship with their mothers. These clients are invariably women - and the common factor is that their mothers have had careers which in their daughters' eyes, have caused them to be emotionally absent. I think this is a generational thing. What stands out is that when these clients reflect on their 'happy' and 'secure' times as children, it's the grandparents who feature as the providers of these.

Well, if this is true, it's just another kick in the gut for me, since I gave up any idea of a career, did without as we had one salary, my husbands, just so I could be with my kids during their childhood.

I watched my working friends and acquaintances get nicer homes, have nicer clothes. It was worth it to me, though, back then at least.

I was there all the time for them, got involved all the time.

At least my son has expressed some appreciation for all my efforts. Not my daughter, in fact, she just complains.

Maybe, it's just daughters these days. Idk.

MarieElla

Starfire57, I am sorry your daughter is going through such a difficult time and it's sad she doesn't avail of your support.
Perhaps you're being scapegoated?
I assume she's not open to Family therapy?

Thank you. I do understand and feel for what she's been through, I cried for a straight year and then some off and on for her after it happened. But this progressive hate towards me, yes, I am scapegoated; that's what the therapist said that my daughter insisted I go to.

Now my daughter said I didn't tell her "everything". Ah, but I did.....why not, if the therapist could have given me a concrete way to fix things if I indeed had that power.

The therapist asked if we could do Family Therapy, but my daughter's attitude was I was the problem. So, no.

It's going on 7 years now since the breakup. Not really getting better, despite that she even has a boyfriend for the last 4 years of that. Who btw, I barely know, which I feel she prefers. The couple of ones she dated early on all liked me and one in particular said that in front of her....next thing I know, he's history. He was nice, had money too. Her loss.

people don't take the decision to cut contact with parents without ample reason

1.It isnt always AC deciding to estrange from parents! Sometimes it is a parent who decides to estrange from an AC. Balance is needed in this discussion not assumptions that "parents must have done something" for estrangement to happen. It miggt be AC who have done something!!

2. Another point is that both "sides" OR one side may have done something that is viewed negatively or interpreted dramatically by others in the relationship and becomes "ample reason" in the estrangers mind.

There are so many nuances to this situation in each case, so generalised assumptions really are not appropriate.