My family is currently in a very difficult situation.
My daughter and I have been estranged for many years. My son and I had off and on contact, which was mostly dictated by his alcoholism and how he managed to cope. I tried to help him as best as I could, but that was difficult, because it's a fine line between enabling and helping. On top of it I've lived in the United States and my adult children in Germany.
My son became severely ill with cancer, so I visited Germany for an extended period of time to help him. Then the political situation in the US became what it is and I didn't feel safe anymore as a foreigner and decided to return to Germany. Then my son died. We had two more deaths in the family that impacted my daughter more then me. Because of the situation with my son my daughter and I got back in touch.
We also learned that some of the things that either of us had thought to be true about the other were in fact manipulative lies of my son. I don't want to judge him too harshly, I'm sure he didn't mean to do harm, but nevertheless, some of what he told us about each other, that wasn't true, made the situation between my daughter and me worse.
My daughter lost a significant part of her support system very suddenly and very unexpected due to the deaths. She has 3 daughters herself, my grandchildren. I'm overjoyed that I get to meet them and be in touch again. At the same time I immediately overshot, and overwhelmed my daughter with my enthusiasm, which she quite harshly criticized. But I do understand where she comes from and obviously also understand that after so many years of no contact things have to go slow and with care and also at a level that is comfortable for all 4 of us. Because of moving back to Germany I am now more in a position to help and I also want to help my daughter as best as I can. One portion of support is obviously financially – I try to do it as carefully as I can. I do not want to 'buy' my daughter, just help (unconditionally) with things if and where I can, like the older of the grandchildren is about to get a driving license, and that is very, very expensive over here (about 3,000 Euro). So they asked for money gifts at Christmas and gladly I gave a fair chunk, offering more if that should be wanted or needed. My daughter is divorced, raises the three children alone. She has a fairly well paid position as a teacher, but with 3 children and being alone things are still tight at times. She clearly has little time for herself, each time I see her, I feel worried, she looks so worn down. The one thing I can't get her is more time for herself, I offered to watch the younger children, but she hasn't taken me up on it.
But I do admit, I feel like I'm walking on a high rope without safety net. I never know what is right or wrong to do, what can I offer, what shouldn't I offer. What can I ask for what can't I ask for. Due to my own health situation I can't drive a car anymore. I ask my daughter to come and visit once a month with the grandchildren, so far that has worked and not caused friction. We are talking about a 20 minute drive (one way). The younger two of the grandchildren (twins) were extremely bored, they are 10 years old now. I bought some things, which I hope they enjoy doing while here. I had asked for suggestions from both the children and my daughter on what to get but didn't receive any.
My daughter forbade them to watch TV, which I find a little sad, it would give the younger ones something to do and give her and me a chance to talk without the interference of the children, but I worry a bit that my daughter might be trying to exactly avoid that. We tried playing some board games in which we all could participate, but that didn't go over so well either, because somebody seems to always dislike that specific game the majority wanted to do. I bought now some rubic cubes, some jumping ropes, coloring books appropriate for the age and coloring pencils, a bunch of legos, a tangram puzzle set, origami paper (and a book with folding instructions for beginners). I'm hoping with that to avoid the boredom of the younger children and not triggering my daughter. I think she also forbade the use of electronics, because neither of the children (not the 17 year old and not the 10 year olds) got their phones out while they were visiting the last two times. I am looking into getting a senior mobile, a kind of electric wheelchair with a stirring wheel, so that we can go for walks during the visits, which I hope will entertain everybody a bit, too.
We are all still in mourning, I have a support system for myself. But my daughter is fairly alone, she avoids any discussion of the emotional impact and I don't push there, just expressed my willingness to talk should she want to do so. We occasionally talk over whatsapp, so that we have a chance to express some things without the presence of the children. My daughter had told me that the twins had asked her if they would needed to be sad again when my son had died (his death was the last one in that horrible string of deaths my family experienced last year). We're trying to protect them from the impact of our sadness.
My daughter and I also still don't trust each other all too much. And I admit there is also still quite a bit of resentment towards her in me. I'm trying to cope with that and not to let it stand between her and me and our attempt to work towards some kind of growing together again. But it does sometimes rear it's ugly head.
I am looking for a therapist to help us navigate this difficult road. I will offer this option to my daughter once I found somebody (also not so easy here) and hope that she agrees to it. I'm a little afraid that she will decline due to lack of time. But we will see.
All of this is going on for about 18 months. About 18 months ago my son got so severely ill I came here for an 8 month visit and then I moved back to Germany late last year, and then he died.
I was hoping for a platform here, in which I could express some of the things which are difficult to understand for people who haven't gone through something like this. But also to get some suggestions on how to handle things – both, getting my grandchildren interested in getting to know me and ways to manage the re-unification with my daughter.
.Early Retirement - have you, would you ?
