Today on BBC - does anyone know the mum?

TBH I wish there was more of a focus on acceptance of other's faults, tolerance and understanding. My mother grew up in a family of 11 children with Victorian attitudes and strict discipline, my father grew up in poverty with an alcoholic and frequently absent father. Neither of them were brought up in a house full of kindness or generosity of spirit and my childhood was very far from perfect. I frequently disagreed with them but deep down I knew they were trying to do their best.
I've made lots of mistakes bringing up my own children but I've done my best. We've talked about things that they remember that made them unhappy and I'm very willing to apologise for my errors of judgement but it is really interesting how different their memory of an event can be compared to mine. Some thing I have absolutely no recollection of and tbh I think many of their memories are linked to photographs or a conflation of different events.
No one is perfect, most parents try to do their best, most parents fail on occasion and some parents have had very poor modelling of good parenting from their own parents. I've tried not to make the same mistakes as my parents but I've made others instead!

Lathyrus3

“Only one true way to love and raise them correctly.”

I don’t think that’s so.

Almost everybody raises their children differently in some ways. Almost everybody criticises some aspect of the way other people raise their children.

I seen many families over the years, some parenting practices that I thought were dreadful- because of course they weren’t my practices😬- but the majority of those children have grown up into caring adults who love their families.

There is no perfect parent out there. And you will always have the children who wanted something different from the family life they got.

I think I was able to accept the wanting something different, to travel, to be successful was in me, not the fault of my parents for valuing a quiet family life and providing me with that.

Personally I think those who estrange because their parents didn’t provide what they wanted as children or even as adults, haven’t yet grown up and taken responsibility for their own lives. They are still looking for someone else whose job they think that is.

You are so right.

I look back on both my own upbringing and that of my now AC, no deliberate abuse or neglect, BUT lots of mistakes made and anger and bad behaviour from both parents and children.

I had a good relationship as an adult with both my parents, who clearly loved me even though “mistakes” were definitely made.

I have a good relationship with all my AC, and it’s clear we love and support each other, though growing up I certainly wasn’t a “perfect” Mum.

We are human, we all make mistakes. It’s so sad that some people cannot let go and be a little more tolerant and forgiving.

I’m not in any way condoning physical, sexual or emotional abuse in any sense and none of this occurred during my own children’s upbringing. I was sometimes “hurt” as a child by my Mum, she wasn’t well physically during my early childhood, from about age 6-10 she could be quite violent and once blacked my eye. When older, I did forgive her and we moved forward. At the time I loathed her.

I hope so too Sago for his and his children's sake.

Allira

It will be interesting to see what happens when Ben's children become teenagers then adults.
History often has a tendency to repeat itself.

We can also learn from history and break the cycle as I did.

I hope when his children reach adulthood they have a healthy relationship with their parents.

I was given a great deal of freedom and responsibility as a child which would nowadays be labelled neglect and I'd have been put into "care". I'm glad I wasn't because my siblings are still very important to me.

My own DC are not as close to eachother as we were which I find sad. Who will they have when I'm gone?

Times have definitely changed but not wholly for the better IMO.

NoNews

Why is the estranged child's picture in the article, let alone the very first thing that pops up?

I haven't read the article yet but it's clear his autonomy and privacy is not genuinely respected by his mother.

I can't blame him for estranging from a parent like that.

This is an example of perceptions varying.

It is the son who was interviewed and presumably provided the photographs as they are annotated to him.

He has also provided a photograph of his own daughter, although a back view.

The 30-year-old is not alone, and is now a trauma informed coach, with nearly 900,000 followers on TikTok listening to his advice.
I find this disturbing.

If you search you will find her name is Nicola.
There’s a lot of info on TikTok

That was true abuse Sago. I a truly sorry you had to suffer that.
Perhaps influencer was not the correct word and I don’t know his qualifications. The article said Diploma in Psychology and CBT.

I have a Diploma myself in a chosen field. I looked on it as a first step in gaining knowledge,not one that makes you an expert or gains you relevant experience to advise worldwide.

Wisely!

Autocarrot (sic) at large again.

Smileless2012

Yes it will be interesting Allira to see if when his children grow up, they see him as the 'perfect' parent he seems to think he will be.

None of us are perfect and even children in the same family can have different recollections of the same events, which can differ from the parents' recollections too

As widely noted by our late Queen.

Yes it will be interesting Allira to see if when his children grow up, they see him as the 'perfect' parent he seems to think he will be.

You have no grounds to doubt what Stellar is telling us NoNews or reason to assume that her AC has more serious grievous complaints about her apart from perhaps your own bias.

Good post @ 10.06 Lathyrus.

Oh Sago I wish you'd stuck it out too.

I agree that it's rare for a child to fabricate abuse and by that I mean the legal definition of a child but not rare for an adult to fabricate abuse from their childhood as a reason to estrange.

It will be interesting to see what happens when Ben's children become teenagers then adults.
History often has a tendency to repeat itself.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

This is a difficult one, but certainly I know the majority of parents muddle through the best they can and some ACs can have very exacting standards with which to judge them by. I just wonder how today’s children will feel once adults, having suffered gender politics and various new fads when it comes to parenting. For those trumping up allegations - not those who have suffered abuse - it may very well be a case of what goes around comes around.

The young man himself is an author and qualified counsellor, it is probably unfair to refer to him as an influencer.

He has Instagram/Facebook/TikTok accounts so is easily contactable.

Obviously there are two sides to every story, I was an abused and neglected child in a middle class family.
Outwardly even looked fine, private schools, holidays, well dressed, attending mass every Sunday etc.

I was physically and mentally abused, my parents had lots of nasty little tricks up their sleeves.
I once had to pack my bags, say goodbye to my brother (golden child) I was going to be dropped off at an orphanage.
We got in the car drove somewhere, I was given a beating then told we could go home, I was given a second chance.
I was 9.
I was starved of affection, told I was a “guttersnipe” whatever that is and put down and ridiculed at every turn.

My parents were clever, they told everyone I was a fantasist therefore if I tried to tell anyone I was wrong and they were proved right.

Even as an adult my mother told family,friends and neighbours lies about me.
How she always had to bail us out financially, how we bullied her and coerced her for money.
The most money I ever received from my parents was £40 for my fortieth birthday.
She told one friend she had never been to our home when we moved back, we had lived there 5 years, she came nearly every Sunday!

I tried to go no contact but she made my life hell, it was easier to tolerate her.
I wish I had stuck it out.

I think it’s possible but rare for a child to fabricate abuse.

Post references deleted post

Smileless2012

Yes that's right Lathyrus, his mother's input is just a small part of the article.

Why assume that the example given by the OP has been cherry picked NoNews. In your first post you said you hadn't read the article yet there you were, jumping straight in and assuming incorrectly that the article had been instigated by the mother.

I always find it's much more beneficial to those posting to respond to what they've actually said rather than creating a narrative of your own.

Excellent comment. Thank you @Smileless2012

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

“Only one true way to love and raise them correctly.”

I don’t think that’s so.

Almost everybody raises their children differently in some ways. Almost everybody criticises some aspect of the way other people raise their children.

I seen many families over the years, some parenting practices that I thought were dreadful- because of course they weren’t my practices😬- but the majority of those children have grown up into caring adults who love their families.

There is no perfect parent out there. And you will always have the children who wanted something different from the family life they got.

I think I was able to accept the wanting something different, to travel, to be successful was in me, not the fault of my parents for valuing a quiet family life and providing me with that.

Personally I think those who estrange because their parents didn’t provide what they wanted as children or even as adults, haven’t yet grown up and taken responsibility for their own lives. They are still looking for someone else whose job they think that is.

Yes that's right Lathyrus, his mother's input is just a small part of the article.

Why assume that the example given by the OP has been cherry picked NoNews. In your first post you said you hadn't read the article yet there you were, jumping straight in and assuming incorrectly that the article had been instigated by the mother.

I always find it's much more beneficial to those posting to respond to what they've actually said rather than creating a narrative of your own.

Thank you for sharing that article Stellar; I don't know the mum whose taken part in the article. I'm pleased she was included in the article as it was interesting that she says she was responsible for the estrangement having seen what her son was saying about his childhood and relationship with her.

To be falsely accused of abusing your own child, especially when you're a survivor of childhood abuse is monstrous. watering down orange juice is abuse!!! Good grief; with the bar of what constitutes abuse being so low, is there ever going to be a parent who'll be safe from the label of 'abusive parent'?

You are sadly not alone. False allegations are what so many EP's have been subjected too, either directly from their EAC when they've been told why they're being estranged or when the stories they've been telling get back to their parents.

All estranged mums will be doing their best to get through this week and of course Mother's Day, especially those who know they wont be getting any recognition at all .

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Sorry a reply to NoNes original comment