Forums for estranged adult children

DiamondLily

stillawipp

I’m so sorry that you both feel like that - as you say, there are 2 sides to an estrangement and everyone deserves kindness and understanding for their experience. I was once an estranged parent and personally would not have reconciled with my child had I not finally listened to him properly, recognised my part in the estrangement, acknowledged it and apologised for it. Before I get accused of ‘virtue signalling’ again, this is just my personal experience and I am not criticising anyone else or their situation.

Yes, I think every estrangement is different. Sometimes it’s the AC/partner having a drama, and sometimes it’s the EPs causing problems

And sometimes it’s both.

Absolutely agree 👍🏻

And that sounds eminently sensible, InRainbows, well done !

I'm just trying to learn so I can help my situation. To me relationships are simple things... Sometimes 50/50 sometimes I'm the 99% for people struggling at 1% and sometimes it is the other way around. I always want to understand why people are where they are at. There is always a reason.

Reading about narcissism has been interesting. It is clearly not a bad spot in life and more of a lifelong issue. I recognise some of the behaviour described by it, especially how controlling they are, how they must always be right and how if any situation goes wrong it cannot be their fault. I recognise as well putting others down to feel superior. It's certainly helping me to see the situation more clearly.

There is another discussion about it I have been reading under a different topic here that is very interesting.

So while I still don't agree with the generalisation in the topic above I am glad for the opportunity it presented.

stillawipp

I’m so sorry that you both feel like that - as you say, there are 2 sides to an estrangement and everyone deserves kindness and understanding for their experience. I was once an estranged parent and personally would not have reconciled with my child had I not finally listened to him properly, recognised my part in the estrangement, acknowledged it and apologised for it. Before I get accused of ‘virtue signalling’ again, this is just my personal experience and I am not criticising anyone else or their situation.

Yes, I think every estrangement is different. Sometimes it’s the AC/partner having a drama, and sometimes it’s the EPs causing problems

And sometimes it’s both.

Yes, I don’t disagree that both sides need to be willing - I’m not sure why you keep implying that I do! And I’m sorry, but you expressly accused me of virtue signalling when I was just trying to tell a poster who asked what I did to resolve my situation, and I was pretty stung by that when I was simply trying to help someone who was struggling.

I don't think you have got things wrong InRainbows. There have of course been disagreements which is only to be expected and the deliberately contentious posts have been removed as have those who made them.

We've even had on 3 occasions on this thread alone, regular users names being hijacked to make unpleasant posts in an attempt to upset others which is why there have been arguments. So it isn't because there's a hive mind here, it's because for some reason there are some who don't seem to be able to bare the fact that some who have been estranged have been able to rebuild their lives.

It's the support thread on this forum which offers a safe space for all whose lives are affected by estrangement User; this is not a support thread and over the years that thread has helped both those who have been estranged and those who estranged.

You say stillawipp that had you not listened properly to your son, recognised (your) part in the estrangement, acknowledged it and apologised for it you would not have reconciled but in addition to that, your son also needed to have wanted to reconcile and sadly that's not always the case for some EP's.

Saying so isn't accusing you of 'virtue signalling', it's simply acknowledging that both sides need to be willing.

I’m so sorry that you both feel like that - as you say, there are 2 sides to an estrangement and everyone deserves kindness and understanding for their experience. I was once an estranged parent and personally would not have reconciled with my child had I not finally listened to him properly, recognised my part in the estrangement, acknowledged it and apologised for it. Before I get accused of ‘virtue signalling’ again, this is just my personal experience and I am not criticising anyone else or their situation.

InRainbows

Can you please explain where I have got things wrong, I will try to do better

The only thing you got "wrong" is disagreeing with the hive mind here. Anything that implies that they may have been less than perfect is wrong. Anything that implies that they are not the innocent victim to their heartless adult child is wrong.

You were right saying everything you say here becomes an argument. Anything counter to the consensus is picked apart and scrutinized because no one wants to hear that there might be another side to the argument.

I still post here because I think anyone who wants to mend the relationship with their adult children deserves to read a different take than "poor you." But I don't argue it further because there's no point.

There is no saving my relationship with my parents but some situations here are not as dire and could be mended with some real self-reflection.

This is definitely not a safe space unless you are an estranged parent, although it is intended to be for anyone affected be estrangement.

Can you please explain where I have got things wrong, I will try to do better

You are on here to stir thing up so I won't be replying.I find your posts upsetting and intrusive, so well done.

I wouldn't ask anyone to explain or justify anything.

InRainbows I for one can’t fathom what it is you want from this forum. We on here are estranged, now we are making different lives with out our estranged child, you're not. . I do not want to explain or justify my situation to you. Thats why I haven't responded to you until now.

I'm sorry InRainbows but I don't agree that everything anyone puts here becomes an argument. There's nothing wrong with challenging what you disagree with. You and I are doing so but I don't regard you as or treat you as a potential enemy.

I'm sorry that this is how you're experiencing this thread and maybe the estrangement forum and hope that if not here, maybe there's another forum where you can find things to help you understand.

Everyone comes to this topic looking for something I would have thought. It doesn't say if it is for a specific group of people or not. Most groups do have a target audience which would exclude me.

I was looking for a safe place to talk about estrangement because it has impacted me deeply even though I am personally not estranged from anyone and do not have any difficult relationships with anyone.

I haven't found the courage because everything anyone puts here becomes an argument that never ends and even people who just have a different opinion may get challenged or treated as a potential enemy. I suppose I am out of options and I am better off just reading and trying to find things that help me understand.

No one on a social media platform can be enough to help with the pain of an abusive childhood, or make up for an unkind, unloving or abusive parent.

Kindness can be and has been shown but cannot by any stretch of the imagination be a substitute or compensation for the kindness some parents couldn't or wouldn't give.

It is not from my experience here on GN a lack of kindness or understanding from posters on GN that brings back an angry and bitter EAC and for me, Cardamom's posts have explained very well why this happens.

Smileless2012

I've asked you twice now the same two questions InRainbows and as for addressing your comments, I've done that three times already by saying that kindness has been and is shown here; this will make four.

I cannot give you the answer you want, I just see things differently to you. If you feel you are enough, or kind enough, I don't want to take that away from you but that doesn't mean I shouldn't speak up and say what I originally said which is that maybe we can show the kindness their parents could not. Then perhaps they wouldn't come back.

I've asked you twice now the same two questions InRainbows and as for addressing your comments, I've done that three times already by saying that kindness has been and is shown here; this will make four.

You haven't addressed my comments Smileless2012 or asked why I made them or shown me why you believe differently?

And as I've already posted InRainbows kindness has been and is shown here but you haven't said which conversation is being shut down and by whom.

As I said, an unloved child is the most painful thing humanity has to offer. I would help if I could to ease that pain just a little while being careful not to say things that tempt a response.

I'm not estranged but what life has taught me is that cruelty may be couched in loving terms and fragile mental health should be protected. Surrounded by love and kindness from those able to set aside a little of what they also need for themselves

Whoever you are, why not post under your own user name instead of trying to hijack the names of others?

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

I'm sorry InRainbows I don't understand. Which conversation is being shut down and by whom?

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

I see, what I am trying to say is that, there is the need to be right and there is the understanding that, in a diverse world, different perspectives are worth consideration. So we shouldn't shut down a conversation without empirical evidence that everyone is satisfied in a conclusion.