Forums for estranged adult children

I’ve been up close and personal to a belligerent relative not wanting to “hear” the other party speak their mind, so face to face talks turned to shouting matches with one much louder than the other. I wouldn’t sweepingly generalise by calling people “cowards” for avoiding such interactions and opting for calls/texts/emails without having firsthand knowledge that both parties can behave maturely and rationally in an emotional discussion. But that’s the core of the issue. Everyone in every situation has specific personalities and each dynamic is specific to the parties involved.

All parents go into parenting blind. Anyone that says otherwise isn’t a parent, although they may have read the books. 🙄

No parent is perfect, but, then again, no child (whatever their age) are perfect either.

To be clear, I have always had a great relationship with my adult children and my now (adult) grandchildren. Never any argument.

Was I perfect? No, I most certainly wasn’t.

Did I get divorced? Yes, I did.

Were/are they perfect? No.

Am I? No, I’m not.

But, we accept our differences, don’t navel gaze about being victims of life, talk out issues if we need to, but never take the cowardly way of texts/mails/social media.

I think young people are simply choosing not to stay in relationships that take away from their happiness more than add to it. It’s the same as divorce in that sense. People stayed in unhappy marriages due to societal pressures. Now, people are less likely to live decades being miserable. I agree in that way, changing societal norms absolutely play a role because it’s now the norm to prioritize one’s happiness, one’s own values and morals. I believe we are seeing it extend to other familial relationships now. The stigma isn’t as present like in the past so people are choosing to walk away more.

I feel that many parents go into parenting blind. Perhaps influenced in positive ways by their own family upbringing and perhaps in negative ways by the same.

There was not the wealth of information readily available now. We had to wait for laws to change and practices to be frowned upon to stop them. I think a lot of that was as a direct result of studying patients with mental illness or addiction or criminal conviction.

Now we know entirely differently, not just about parenting styles but the impact that has on children. How divorce or witnessing abuse impacts children.

But parenting is often hard, parents are human, they struggle, they lose their temper, they shout, they worry, they can overprotect.

With all the information available to modern young people they seem to know that so where is it leading to estrangement? The word "accountable" seems to come up often in that forum. So if a person cannot be accountable and recognise where things did go wrong, are they the abusive ones? Or just the ones who actively try to hide those mistakes?

JaneJudge

I suppose emotion runs high because of the stigma placed upon estrangement and people feeling like they need to justify it

No one needs to.

Indeed. No one here or outside of the relationships know the full truth. No one can. More importantly, no one can tell another adult what they should endure in a relationship with another adult no matter how the two are related. People have opinions but opinions on these forums only have as much impact as an individual chooses to give them.

DiamondLily

IssendaiAcolyte

Whiff

I feel like a wiser, more mature approach would be to take those situations as an opportunity to self-reflect, since children don't really cut off their parents or make such jokes for absolutely no reason whatsoever.

Instead of choosing to focus on the fact they didn't know your husband or that the joke was vile, maybe ask yourself "Am I so horrible to be around that they would even think such things?" (since they may not have known your husband, but they did know you I'm guessing).

Instead of choosing to think that your son is a coward, maybe ask yourself "Am I so difficult to talk to that my own son couldn't tell me this in person?"

I have an inkling of a feeling that you don't consider your brother's suggestion to "bitch slap the wife and set your [adult] son straight" was totally out of line. That may be your first clue as to why they chose to cut contact over text rather than in person.

I don't know you as well your son and daughter in law do, but I can already tell they had their reasons.

So, you seriously think that posting those things, to a widow, was acceptable by the DIL involved?

That says all we need up know about this thread. 🙄

Ok, the daughter-in-law didn't post those things TO the widow, she posted those things ABOUT the widow.

It's worth wondering why the daughter-in-law felt that way about her recently widowed mother-in-law. I don't think she would say such a joke if their relationship was purely sunshine & rainbows.

eddiecat78

I disagree with the notion that adult children owe their parents nothing. If that parent has provided a loving and secure childhood, constantly doing their best and frequently going without themselves (practically and financially), and if, as a result, that child has grown into a well adjusted and prosperous adult, of course they owe their parents a great deal.
And most adult children appreciate that and are happy to "repay" in terms of spending time with and supporting their parents.
However there seems to be a growing trend of adult children being happy to "take" from their parents (well into adulthood) but then drop them if they become an inconvenience

Having children is a choice. Providing them with security and the tools needed to thrive is what a parent signs up for when you make that choice. You can’t make choices for others and then claim they owe you. Raising children well is not a favor to them. It’s your duty. A duty we chose to pursue. We could have avoided parenthood altogether. That was always an option too. Having children is an egotistical choice we make driven by from our own desire, unless your encounter was not consensual.

This is not to say as parents we are not deserving of gratitude for going above and beyond. Not all parents, therefore not all childhoods are created equal. However, the idea we are “owed” for merely doing what we are obligated to is absurd.

IssendaiAcolyte

Whiff

I feel like a wiser, more mature approach would be to take those situations as an opportunity to self-reflect, since children don't really cut off their parents or make such jokes for absolutely no reason whatsoever.

Instead of choosing to focus on the fact they didn't know your husband or that the joke was vile, maybe ask yourself "Am I so horrible to be around that they would even think such things?" (since they may not have known your husband, but they did know you I'm guessing).

Instead of choosing to think that your son is a coward, maybe ask yourself "Am I so difficult to talk to that my own son couldn't tell me this in person?"

I have an inkling of a feeling that you don't consider your brother's suggestion to "bitch slap the wife and set your [adult] son straight" was totally out of line. That may be your first clue as to why they chose to cut contact over text rather than in person.

I don't know you as well your son and daughter in law do, but I can already tell they had their reasons.

So, you seriously think that posting those things, to a widow, was acceptable by the DIL involved?

That says all we need up know about this thread. 🙄

DogWhisperer clearly is itching with her last post

Yikes. I must have got that from the dog.

InRainbows

But they are obviously within the forum rules? Swearing does not make them less believable. So then what are we judging them for here? Why complain about them swearing? I really do not understand what relevance it has when they are amongst peers and it is a place for them to talk safely?

They hate what is being said about the estranged parents, so they instead to choose hyper-focus on the method of delivery rather than what is actually being delivered.

Maremia

There is more than one perspective.
Don't get the impression that anyone is itching.
Posters are using this forum for what it is intended. Sharing their points of view and reading other versions.

Maybe you aren't, but DogWhisperer clearly is itching with her last post.

"You have been very generous with your advice on other people's stories, you have let us know where we are going wrong, and we are very grateful to you for that, so we would like to reciprocate that generosity. If you could tell us yours and your parents' versions of the story, maybe we could help you to see where you are going wrong? Maybe even vote on which story is most plausible?"

There is nothing genuine about this. Obviously she isn't grateful or thinks my advice is generous. She is just attempting to bait me to open up about a highly sensitive, personal part of my life just to find an opening to attack me, especially with how she automatically frames it as if I had gone wrong somewhere (while the most wrong thing I've done was be born to a very unfortunate set of parents).

I'm not sure if she thinks I'm stupid or if she's incapable of seeing me as a capable adult, but I would not want this ingenuine, and frankly malicious, person in my life. I actually feel bad for her kid who had no choice but to grow up under her.

But they are obviously within the forum rules? Swearing does not make them less believable. So then what are we judging them for here? Why complain about them swearing? I really do not understand what relevance it has when they are amongst peers and it is a place for them to talk safely?

I haven't said swearing makes a victim less believable InRainbows. If a crime is reported it can be investigated; 'both sides 'examined and evidence collected. That doesn't happen with online forums; there is no comparison to reporting crime.

^It's human nature to recoil from verbal abuse^yes it is Maremia.

It's human nature to recoil from verbal abuse. Yes, the Police etc are trained, but they are still human, and may subconsciously judge.

Smileless2012

The use of expletives wouldn't be allowed in a court of law InRainbows neither would calling the 'accused' names.

As I've said, it's possible to talk about estrangement without resorting to expletives and without mocking and using derogatory words.

If I were approached by someone I care about asking for help because they were being abused the language they use wouldn't be more important than what they were saying, but I would ask them to do so without using expletives etc.

I agree JaneJudge that know should need to justify why they've estranged or been estranged but sometimes it's unfortunately necessary to do so.

That is not what I meant though. At the point of reporting a crime, would you expect a victim to be taken less seriously for using expletives? Or would you expect others to be able to look past that. Court law judges have overlooked that in victims of trauma just to be clear. But I still fail to see how swearing would make a victim less believable. Is there anything else that would also make them less believable? Like how they dress or whether they have tattoos and piercings? How far does this judgement go?

See my post on page 1 of this thread User; I don't go on forums for EAC or Reddit.

Talking about someone on an anonymous forum is not abuse, even if they use language you don't like. It's almost funny that anyone would claim that. If it were the case many here would have to give up the idea that they aren't abusive.

I highly recommend not reading a subreddit for estranged adult kids or children of narcissistic parents if you don't want to see people angry or resentful towards their parents. That's the whole basis of the group. You go there to talk to people who have shared experiences and get support/a push to get away from a toxic situation.

It's like going to an forum for child free people and complaining that they don't like children. You got what you asked for by going there.

You can't control these people, what they say, or how they say it. It has nothing to do with you or your kids at all. Why purposely put yourself in a position to see things that you will find upsetting? And then come here and complain about it? I don't understand.

I guess as well, JaneJudge, that emotions run high because of the emotional pain involved in estrangements.

The use of expletives wouldn't be allowed in a court of law InRainbows neither would calling the 'accused' names.

As I've said, it's possible to talk about estrangement without resorting to expletives and without mocking and using derogatory words.

If I were approached by someone I care about asking for help because they were being abused the language they use wouldn't be more important than what they were saying, but I would ask them to do so without using expletives etc.

I agree JaneJudge that know should need to justify why they've estranged or been estranged but sometimes it's unfortunately necessary to do so.

Smileless2012

It depends on the language used InRainbows. It's possible to talk about estrangement without the use of expletives; without mocking and using derogatory words.

Someone may know or suspect who a poster is because they recognise the false allegations and the language used by the one who estranged them. Recognising the poster doesn't necessarily mean that what they are saying is true.

So who should people talk about abuse to? Family members would be the first call I suppose.

Would that carry in a court of law do you think? Should a victim of crime be judged for swearing when upset or calling a perpetrator names? How far does this idea go? Were someone you care for to come to you asking for help with an abusive person? What is more important, what they are saying or how they say it? I'm not sure I can see the point against it.

I suppose emotion runs high because of the stigma placed upon estrangement and people feeling like they need to justify it

No one needs to.

It depends on the language used InRainbows. It's possible to talk about estrangement without the use of expletives; without mocking and using derogatory words.

Someone may know or suspect who a poster is because they recognise the false allegations and the language used by the one who estranged them. Recognising the poster doesn't necessarily mean that what they are saying is true.

Is it verbal abuse to talk about estrangement in an anonymous forum? How would anyone be recognised unless what they were saying was true?

There is more than one perspective.
Don't get the impression that anyone is itching.
Posters are using this forum for what it is intended. Sharing their points of view and reading other versions.

You have made a different and full life and are happy yes Allsorts that's what she would see .