Support and friendship for those whose lives have been affected by estrangement.

Afternoon everyone, hope you're all enjoying the weekend and the sun is shining. It is here ATM but due to change about 4.00 so we'll take the dogs out when Mr. S. has finished mowing the lawn.

Ziggy had his 3rd walk this morning going a little further than before .

We went out for a light lunch earlier, first time eating out since we got him. He was crying when we left but quietly sitting in his play pen on our return. Doing the same tomorrow and a couple of times next week so he gets used to it.

He's just 'asked' to be popped back in his playpen for a sleep, which he does by sitting beside it so getting him to see it as his 'safe' space is working, and not being undermined by leaving him when we go out.

A big day for your GD starting senior school a week tomorrow*Yogin*; she's growing up for sure. Must be lovely to be able to spend so much time with them.

Hope your DD's physio is going well and that she'll soon make a full recovery.

Thank you Allsorts there were all different sizes; little ones and ones as big as an adult Tortes.

Seen a lot of my DD&GDs over the summer hols. about 3 times per week, due to my DD physio & visiting her dad in hospital nearby. They came for dinner yesterday, but back to school on Thursday for the youngest and then the following week the 11yr old goes to senior school on Monday, starting at 10.30am, so big day for her [& us].

Lovely cat Sparkly, they are so sure footed, we had a cat who jumped out of the bedroom window once, landed on concrete slabs and walked off.
Little Ziggy will soon have a fan club on his walks. He sounds so tiny and everything must be so huge to him.
Hope your daughters foot is soon better Yoga and that your gd enjoyed the terrapins, wonder how big they grow, must look it up.
Really miss an animal in the house, you are never alone and get a great welcome every time you come home, will get one when I don’twait to travel any more.

Morning all

Got to see the Terrapins with my GDs yesterday, in the sunshine as well

You're doing the right thing Smiles just leaving little Ziggy for a short while. He has his mate Poppy to keep him company, so he is fine.

Hope you all enjoyed seeing the terrapins and your trip wasn't spoiled by the rain Yogin.

Managed to get Ziggy out for his second walk this morning before the heavens opened.

We but the bullet and both went to Lidl this afternoon, first time since we got him. Knew he'd be safe and couldn't do any harm because he was in his playpen and were back within the hour.

He was perfectly calm when we got back, very excited to see us as was Poppy albeit a little more than she used to be when we had Pip.

He didn't show any signs of being stressed while we were out, unlike me who was anxious the entire time!!!

Ah, that's heartwarming to hear Smiles

Lovely cat Sparkly

Good to hear about your travels Whiff and your lovely visit with Babs

I was taking my granddaughters to see the terrapins in my local park this morning, whilst their mum/my daughter has physiotherapy on her damaged foot but not looking good with the heavy rain right now. Please for the lawn & flowers though.

S/he's beautiful Sparkly . Reminds me of the last cat I had before my Sphynx's. He was an Oriental Black & White; went out one day and never returned. It was heart breaking which is why I only had house cats after that.

I do miss my cats but it wouldn't be practical to have a Sphynx at the lodge and because of the wildlife, I wouldn't want one that could go out.

Well Ziggy had his first walk, wearing his little harness for the first time and did really well. We got him a cat harness because he's so little, the extra small dog harness was too big and bulky.

There were times when he trotted along behind his big sister as if he'd been walking on a lead for ages . With each progression he makes, we feel as if we're gradually getting our lives back.

It's been a long 6 weeks and will be a few more before we can leave him 'at home alone', well with Poppy for any length of time but we're definitely getting there and wouldn't be without him.

.One of mine, ballerina cat. Distraction from Es of course.

Thank you Smileless for those lovely words xx

No need to apologise Sparkly, it's always lovely to see you post

Smileless, ooops, so sorry for assuming. One of mine on my veg planter.

He's not a rescue Sparkly he's a puppy, 14.5 weeks old but a lot of fun despite the hard work.

Sounds lovely, Smileless, having and raising a new rescue dog 😘

Afternoon everyone.

I'm glad you enjoyed your visit with Babs Whiff. It's a nightmare going through London, I haven't done so for a few years and am unlikely to repeat the experience.

We got some 'dog fencing' yesterday to cordon off a safe area for little Ziggy and he loves it. He's had a few zoomies and loves rolling around on the grass. Another new experience as we're gradually introducing him to the world outside.

Thursday will be his first walk on a lead so I'll let you know how it goes .

Bridey Babs was just like I expected . We have kept in touch since her leaving. As Yogin knows she is lovely . We had lunch and told me it was on her she had already decided. Normally I lunch with friends and we pay for our own. But she had decided and that was it.

As everyone families go through problems but they are pulling together. Her estranged daughter she thinks knows what is happening through other relatives. But she didn't care about her dad last year so Babs didn't expect anything this time.

After lunch we talked in my hotel room for a while before she had to go. I am so glad I went even though I had a nightmare in Euston station and one of the travel assistance workers put me on a bus to go too St Pancras thankfully they helped me. Euston station needs to have training from St Pancras staff how you treat people.

Coming back was still fraught but had taxi from St Pancras to Euston train station . All the trains where running late some cancelled . But thankfully got through train home . And travel assistance at Euston worked this time so took me and got me on the train.
Never going South again if it means going through London. Will stick with across the north ,Wales and Scotland for hols .

But I am so glad I did go met Babs and Lewes is a lovely place and people friendly and helpful.

Just resting today as my body is telling off for over doing it and brain fog setting in .

Pleased you had a lovely meet up Whiff, i hope Babs and her family are ok,
Take care all x

Just a quick one. I met and had lunch with Babs yesterday and chatted in my room before she had to pop home and being picked. 🫂

Yogin knows how lovely she is. We got like a house on fire. You know when you just click with people. I am very lucky the amount of GN members I have met in person. They have all been just like they write.

I feel privileged that others keep in touch via PM,text ,what's app and email. Funny how you care so much about people by their words. And they become friends you cherish.

I sometimes think it hurts so much TheatreLover because it's intended too. Of course you understand now that your D's been through a stressful time but as I posted elsewhere this morning, we're not mind readers are we.

FWIW I think taking a 2 week break from contacting her is a good idea and when you do when she's back from her holiday, maybe a simple 'hope you had a good holiday, love mum' would be a good idea, then wait until you hear from her.

I am not actually estranged from my daughter but seem to be experiencing the living bereavement so well described above.

My daughter described me some months ago as not giving her emotional support after a sad event. I am still stung by that remark. She also became spiteful towards me a few months ago. I was not aware at the time that she was undergoing fertility treatment. I have only recently been aware that she is 24 weeks pregnant. I do understand that she has been through a stressful time.

Since divorce over 20 years ago, she has favoured her father, and I am aware that she and her father discuss me behind my back. Her father is invited frequently to family outings. I am never invited to outings with her and her husband and young son

I sent a text at the weekend wishing my daughter a happy holiday and mentioning that it was her nephew's birthday that day. I was staying with one of my sons at the time. His phone was on a coffee table near me, and the phone lit with a message from my daughter. So she found time to text her brother but not me.

She and her family are spending two days in a hotel with her father next week for family outings. I have decided not to contact her for two weeks to see if she'd like to meet (we live near each other whilst her father lives in another city).

I don't know why all this hurts so much, but it does.

Morning all

Good advice, as always Smiles for our newcomer Elodie

I had the same, where my regular groomer took too much off and no shape to my little Joey's beautiful face. There were 2 of them, so didn't always get the one I preferred. So, when I do it, it's just how I like it.

Yes, cooler these last few days and some rain too!

Hope Whiff is having a good visit with Babs.

Take care all.

Morning all.

A warm welcome to the support thread Elodie, I'm glad you've found us but sorry that you needed too.

Sadly it's not uncommon for parents to feel they've been forgotten when their children grow up and make lives of their own, but that doesn't make it any less hurtful .

Estrangement is known as a living bereavement because as you say, we grieve for those who are still living.

I agree that there does seem to be a lot of self indulgence and selfishness in our AC's generation. Sometimes parents have served their purpose and are no longer required or their lives haven't gone as well as they'd hoped so their parents get blamed.

Loving parents tend to look to look inward, to try and see what they've done wrong or what they haven't done which would explain why the relationships have ceased to be, but it isn't necessarily anything to do with them.

Sometimes a third party like your D's can change the relationship dynamic and busy lives make contact less frequent. Neither though excuse being spoken too and/or treated badly and when that's the case it is the AC whose at fault, not the parent.

What do we do? Take a step back by reducing the number of times you contact them and when you do for example by text, just a short message for example 'Hope everything's OK, love mum x .

When you do hear from them, keep responses light and chatty but not too long and maybe without giving too much information about what you're up too. That may prompt them to ask because they're curious.

As for your eldest, don't allow her to disrespect you. If she's rude during a conversation then be prepared to say you're ending the call because you wont be spoken too in that way, and do it. You need to decide whether you want minimal contact at any cost to your self esteem and well being.

Hope you're enjoying your trip Whiff and have given our love to Babs and Mr. B.

Ooh that sounds scary Allsorts, builders using equipment that generates sparks when everything's tinder dry .

Joey's fortunate to have such a clever mum Yogin. Mr. S. suggested we try to thin out Ziggy's coat when it was so hot but simply imagining the groomer's reaction was enough for me to say 'no'.

That said, when she groomed Poppy last week, for the second tine she trimmed the fur on her face far too short so she looks more Poodle than Cockapoo, and permanently startled.

I was annoyed when he brought her home so will make sure I remind her not to do so again the next time she grooms her but you'd think after 8 years she'd know by now .

We've had a reasonable amount of rain thank goodness, so it's a lot fresher here thank goodness. I look forward to a good summer with plenty of and good temperatures, but it's been a bit much for me this year.

Fearing you'll be pushed further away is totally understandable but would you allow someone other than your own child to treat you this way?

As Whiff's posted, you're a mum not a punching bag. They're adults. If there's a problem they should be mature enough to tell you what it is rather than giving you the cold shoulder or being rude and offensive.

Just a quick as going away . First off do not blame yourself. Your children have made their own choices. I know its hard to bear but . You are a good mom you have done everything you can bringing them .

Once adults they make their own lives which as it should be we let them fly. We are disposable. They rewrite family history and make out you to be the problem . When in fact they are . They make terrible decisions but we have to stay silent.

The hardest thing for me is realising my son is a cruel coward as he dumped via email and follow up cant say letter. He said zero contact . This was 6 years ago. I decidec 3 years ago I never want to see or speak to him. We are strangers. I had a kind loving son for 32 years . He is now 39.

I am done my husband died when he was 47 I was 45 our daughter 20 and son 16.

I have no room in my life for him and I love the son I had not who he has been since 2020. Have to go. But you do not have to let your children hurt you. Its a hard choice but let go dont contact them. You are a mom not a punching bag

Hi all, I am new here. I have a few children all who are grown up now and have moved away from home or abroad. My eldest has 3 children and I rarely see her or them. I have no idea what I have done to deserve this, but the relationship has slowly fizzled out over the last few years.

I was in contact with my eldest on and off for many years and she seemed to love chatting with me regularly but then she met a new man, and has pretty much cut me off since her life changed. I am not ‘allowed’ to see anything on social media either, despite me being listed as a friend on their accounts. I have tried communicating and it doesn’t matter what I say, there’s always a reason my eldest is disappointed in me.

I do hear from my other children from time to time but I can’t help feel that there’s something not quite right as my relationships with them has dwindled too. I was a single mum to them for a long time then remarried after they left home. They all seem to get a long with my husband and have told me they like him and even came to the wedding (some years ago now). Even so they are all now messaging me less and I never get phone calls anymore.

I have tried reaching out to catch up by phone but they never answer me. Even texts go unanswered. I was hard working mother who had a number of jobs over the years but juggled parenthood, being a wife and my career at a million miles an hour. Life was hectic, as you can imagine with more than a few children, but we had so many happy times together.

I have always considered myself as an approachable person, and I think mother too. But still wonder if I got it all right. No parent is perfect though but nothing terrible ever happened enough for any of them to cut me off like now.

Have I missed something? It feels though this younger generation are all self-indulgent and selfish. There’s no way I would’ve spoken to my mother the way my eldest has spoken, or treated me. Yet I can’t say anything because if I do, I fear I will be pushed even further away. Maybe by all of them.

What do we do? How can we carry on grieving someone who is still alive and you muss dearly ?

Yoga, you sound has if you did a good job on Joey, he looks smart and cool and not stressed so its a win, win.
Safe and smooth journey tomorrow Whiff, give my love to Babs please and tell her she is missed. Do hope her daughter is
coping well with her treatment, its early days but every day a step nearer back to health.
I would hate to think my daughter might have problems but would never tell me. Push it to the back of my mind where all the things I have no control over go.

Morning all

Thank God it's cooler today. Went to B&Q yesterday afternoon, outside looking at the plants was unbearable, I had to keep trying to find a little shade. The alarm made me jump out of my skin, couldn't work out was happening, my son came running in from his garden studio, can't even remember what Joey did, if he hears a car or house alarm he reacts, but I was so startled I can't remember. I think it's a good thing. At the park I see discarded cigarette butts, new ones!

Whiff awful about the train derailment, heard a lady talking about it on the news, she was unhurt but very upset and freighted. Careful on those escalators, my f.i.l missed his footing and cut his big toe badly, he still got on the train home, gushing with blood, took himself to A&E and had 5 stitches! All after visiting his son [my ex] in hospital too.
Give my love to Babs and enjoy the visit.

Oh dear Allsorts sorry to hear about your neighbour's work making a big din.

Smiles lovely to hear about your puppy Ziggy's antics. Cut Joey's hair yesterday, he is looking smart and cool today, he needs his hair cut every 6-8 weeks and the new groomer, who keeps the dogs for more than 3hrs as she gets them all in and does them all together. She is a top groomer though and does the grooming for Crufts. She has put her price up to £50 a pop, hence my getting stuck in and doing it myself which I know Joey is happier with, he really cries when I leave him at the groomers.

Have a nice day everyone, pray for some rain, carrying that heavy watering can up & down the garden is not good but think I'm getting some improvement in my biceps from all that work .

The builders next door were working all day with angle grinders cutting metal, sparks flying everywhere.
Whiff, the track will be cleared by Monday and the weather hopefully cooler. Sure you will have a good time.
I would not have liked being away in the oppressive heat this last week, I haven't had more than a few hours sleep any night like loads of people and going to get an air conditioning unit, not a large one, for my bedroom.