Support and friendship for those whose lives have been affected by estrangement.

Bridey Babs was just like I expected . We have kept in touch since her leaving. As Yogin knows she is lovely . We had lunch and told me it was on her she had already decided. Normally I lunch with friends and we pay for our own. But she had decided and that was it.

As everyone families go through problems but they are pulling together. Her estranged daughter she thinks knows what is happening through other relatives. But she didn't care about her dad last year so Babs didn't expect anything this time.

After lunch we talked in my hotel room for a while before she had to go. I am so glad I went even though I had a nightmare in Euston station and one of the travel assistance workers put me on a bus to go too St Pancras thankfully they helped me. Euston station needs to have training from St Pancras staff how you treat people.

Coming back was still fraught but had taxi from St Pancras to Euston train station . All the trains where running late some cancelled . But thankfully got through train home . And travel assistance at Euston worked this time so took me and got me on the train.
Never going South again if it means going through London. Will stick with across the north ,Wales and Scotland for hols .

But I am so glad I did go met Babs and Lewes is a lovely place and people friendly and helpful.

Just resting today as my body is telling off for over doing it and brain fog setting in .

Pleased you had a lovely meet up Whiff, i hope Babs and her family are ok,
Take care all x

Just a quick one. I met and had lunch with Babs yesterday and chatted in my room before she had to pop home and being picked. 🫂

Yogin knows how lovely she is. We got like a house on fire. You know when you just click with people. I am very lucky the amount of GN members I have met in person. They have all been just like they write.

I feel privileged that others keep in touch via PM,text ,what's app and email. Funny how you care so much about people by their words. And they become friends you cherish.

I sometimes think it hurts so much TheatreLover because it's intended too. Of course you understand now that your D's been through a stressful time but as I posted elsewhere this morning, we're not mind readers are we.

FWIW I think taking a 2 week break from contacting her is a good idea and when you do when she's back from her holiday, maybe a simple 'hope you had a good holiday, love mum' would be a good idea, then wait until you hear from her.

I am not actually estranged from my daughter but seem to be experiencing the living bereavement so well described above.

My daughter described me some months ago as not giving her emotional support after a sad event. I am still stung by that remark. She also became spiteful towards me a few months ago. I was not aware at the time that she was undergoing fertility treatment. I have only recently been aware that she is 24 weeks pregnant. I do understand that she has been through a stressful time.

Since divorce over 20 years ago, she has favoured her father, and I am aware that she and her father discuss me behind my back. Her father is invited frequently to family outings. I am never invited to outings with her and her husband and young son

I sent a text at the weekend wishing my daughter a happy holiday and mentioning that it was her nephew's birthday that day. I was staying with one of my sons at the time. His phone was on a coffee table near me, and the phone lit with a message from my daughter. So she found time to text her brother but not me.

She and her family are spending two days in a hotel with her father next week for family outings. I have decided not to contact her for two weeks to see if she'd like to meet (we live near each other whilst her father lives in another city).

I don't know why all this hurts so much, but it does.

Morning all

Good advice, as always Smiles for our newcomer Elodie

I had the same, where my regular groomer took too much off and no shape to my little Joey's beautiful face. There were 2 of them, so didn't always get the one I preferred. So, when I do it, it's just how I like it.

Yes, cooler these last few days and some rain too!

Hope Whiff is having a good visit with Babs.

Take care all.

Morning all.

A warm welcome to the support thread Elodie, I'm glad you've found us but sorry that you needed too.

Sadly it's not uncommon for parents to feel they've been forgotten when their children grow up and make lives of their own, but that doesn't make it any less hurtful .

Estrangement is known as a living bereavement because as you say, we grieve for those who are still living.

I agree that there does seem to be a lot of self indulgence and selfishness in our AC's generation. Sometimes parents have served their purpose and are no longer required or their lives haven't gone as well as they'd hoped so their parents get blamed.

Loving parents tend to look to look inward, to try and see what they've done wrong or what they haven't done which would explain why the relationships have ceased to be, but it isn't necessarily anything to do with them.

Sometimes a third party like your D's can change the relationship dynamic and busy lives make contact less frequent. Neither though excuse being spoken too and/or treated badly and when that's the case it is the AC whose at fault, not the parent.

What do we do? Take a step back by reducing the number of times you contact them and when you do for example by text, just a short message for example 'Hope everything's OK, love mum x .

When you do hear from them, keep responses light and chatty but not too long and maybe without giving too much information about what you're up too. That may prompt them to ask because they're curious.

As for your eldest, don't allow her to disrespect you. If she's rude during a conversation then be prepared to say you're ending the call because you wont be spoken too in that way, and do it. You need to decide whether you want minimal contact at any cost to your self esteem and well being.

Hope you're enjoying your trip Whiff and have given our love to Babs and Mr. B.

Ooh that sounds scary Allsorts, builders using equipment that generates sparks when everything's tinder dry .

Joey's fortunate to have such a clever mum Yogin. Mr. S. suggested we try to thin out Ziggy's coat when it was so hot but simply imagining the groomer's reaction was enough for me to say 'no'.

That said, when she groomed Poppy last week, for the second tine she trimmed the fur on her face far too short so she looks more Poodle than Cockapoo, and permanently startled.

I was annoyed when he brought her home so will make sure I remind her not to do so again the next time she grooms her but you'd think after 8 years she'd know by now .

We've had a reasonable amount of rain thank goodness, so it's a lot fresher here thank goodness. I look forward to a good summer with plenty of and good temperatures, but it's been a bit much for me this year.

Fearing you'll be pushed further away is totally understandable but would you allow someone other than your own child to treat you this way?

As Whiff's posted, you're a mum not a punching bag. They're adults. If there's a problem they should be mature enough to tell you what it is rather than giving you the cold shoulder or being rude and offensive.

Just a quick as going away . First off do not blame yourself. Your children have made their own choices. I know its hard to bear but . You are a good mom you have done everything you can bringing them .

Once adults they make their own lives which as it should be we let them fly. We are disposable. They rewrite family history and make out you to be the problem . When in fact they are . They make terrible decisions but we have to stay silent.

The hardest thing for me is realising my son is a cruel coward as he dumped via email and follow up cant say letter. He said zero contact . This was 6 years ago. I decidec 3 years ago I never want to see or speak to him. We are strangers. I had a kind loving son for 32 years . He is now 39.

I am done my husband died when he was 47 I was 45 our daughter 20 and son 16.

I have no room in my life for him and I love the son I had not who he has been since 2020. Have to go. But you do not have to let your children hurt you. Its a hard choice but let go dont contact them. You are a mom not a punching bag

Hi all, I am new here. I have a few children all who are grown up now and have moved away from home or abroad. My eldest has 3 children and I rarely see her or them. I have no idea what I have done to deserve this, but the relationship has slowly fizzled out over the last few years.

I was in contact with my eldest on and off for many years and she seemed to love chatting with me regularly but then she met a new man, and has pretty much cut me off since her life changed. I am not ‘allowed’ to see anything on social media either, despite me being listed as a friend on their accounts. I have tried communicating and it doesn’t matter what I say, there’s always a reason my eldest is disappointed in me.

I do hear from my other children from time to time but I can’t help feel that there’s something not quite right as my relationships with them has dwindled too. I was a single mum to them for a long time then remarried after they left home. They all seem to get a long with my husband and have told me they like him and even came to the wedding (some years ago now). Even so they are all now messaging me less and I never get phone calls anymore.

I have tried reaching out to catch up by phone but they never answer me. Even texts go unanswered. I was hard working mother who had a number of jobs over the years but juggled parenthood, being a wife and my career at a million miles an hour. Life was hectic, as you can imagine with more than a few children, but we had so many happy times together.

I have always considered myself as an approachable person, and I think mother too. But still wonder if I got it all right. No parent is perfect though but nothing terrible ever happened enough for any of them to cut me off like now.

Have I missed something? It feels though this younger generation are all self-indulgent and selfish. There’s no way I would’ve spoken to my mother the way my eldest has spoken, or treated me. Yet I can’t say anything because if I do, I fear I will be pushed even further away. Maybe by all of them.

What do we do? How can we carry on grieving someone who is still alive and you muss dearly ?

Yoga, you sound has if you did a good job on Joey, he looks smart and cool and not stressed so its a win, win.
Safe and smooth journey tomorrow Whiff, give my love to Babs please and tell her she is missed. Do hope her daughter is
coping well with her treatment, its early days but every day a step nearer back to health.
I would hate to think my daughter might have problems but would never tell me. Push it to the back of my mind where all the things I have no control over go.

Morning all

Thank God it's cooler today. Went to B&Q yesterday afternoon, outside looking at the plants was unbearable, I had to keep trying to find a little shade. The alarm made me jump out of my skin, couldn't work out was happening, my son came running in from his garden studio, can't even remember what Joey did, if he hears a car or house alarm he reacts, but I was so startled I can't remember. I think it's a good thing. At the park I see discarded cigarette butts, new ones!

Whiff awful about the train derailment, heard a lady talking about it on the news, she was unhurt but very upset and freighted. Careful on those escalators, my f.i.l missed his footing and cut his big toe badly, he still got on the train home, gushing with blood, took himself to A&E and had 5 stitches! All after visiting his son [my ex] in hospital too.
Give my love to Babs and enjoy the visit.

Oh dear Allsorts sorry to hear about your neighbour's work making a big din.

Smiles lovely to hear about your puppy Ziggy's antics. Cut Joey's hair yesterday, he is looking smart and cool today, he needs his hair cut every 6-8 weeks and the new groomer, who keeps the dogs for more than 3hrs as she gets them all in and does them all together. She is a top groomer though and does the grooming for Crufts. She has put her price up to £50 a pop, hence my getting stuck in and doing it myself which I know Joey is happier with, he really cries when I leave him at the groomers.

Have a nice day everyone, pray for some rain, carrying that heavy watering can up & down the garden is not good but think I'm getting some improvement in my biceps from all that work .

The builders next door were working all day with angle grinders cutting metal, sparks flying everywhere.
Whiff, the track will be cleared by Monday and the weather hopefully cooler. Sure you will have a good time.
I would not have liked being away in the oppressive heat this last week, I haven't had more than a few hours sleep any night like loads of people and going to get an air conditioning unit, not a large one, for my bedroom.

I did contact the train company and they are confident trains will be running normal on Monday. They are working hard to find out why it happened and making sure the injured are supported.

Did you all have the severe alert on your phones. Made me jump by not into full HPX mode. Took me a few minutes to find where the noise was coming from then saw my phone flashing . My daughter text me straight away to check I was ok just as I was texting her I was ok. She had her phone in a bum pocket and didn't realise what was happening. You know me . I said a bad case of farting to which she replied with lots of rolling laughter faces.

Hope little Zizzy and Poppy where ok when the alert sounded ?

Yogin hope Joey was ok with the alert ? Can't remember having had one before. Hopefully all going well meeting Babs for lunch on Thursday in Lewes. As a family they are going through a lot at the moment as you most likely know. But like I told her family comes first . If we can't meet I will go next year. Even though the thought of the escalators and tube are daunting I know I will get help from tube assistance staff.

Hope everyone else was ok when the alert went off and any pets where ok. But we should have had a warning it was going to happen . I know my HPX group where effected some had full on episode others like me jumped but not just them but family members who haven't got it.

Smiles and Mr S becareful where you live . With your lovely surroundings and golf course near by it will only take a tiny spark to start a fire. I have a park and wildlife reserve near me plus farm land is only 15 mins away on the bus . My daughter at the end of her road is a large farmers field where the. 1&2 million pound houses are .

Please take extra care everyone its going to be very hot again .

Yes, it's frightening isn't it Whiff; the speed these fires spread means they are soon out of control.

Hopefully everything will have been sorted by Monday but you're right about contacting the train company to see if there's anything they can tell you.

Anyone seeing the about the fire near Stourbridge golf course I used to live 10 mins away in the car. There is a huge wooded area the otherside of the pub my husband and friends drank it . I called them 'the old gits drinking club. 'My husband was the youngest by 20 years.

Then the train crash near Lewes guess who is going on Monday for 5 days . Will have to phoned the train company and see what the arrangements are as 4 carriages derailed and multiple injuries.
And don't know how long the track will be closed for . But I will still get there .

I posted so I didn't lose it as it took me 2 hours to write.

Like Allsorts said there is no such thjng as normal . We are all unquie . Those with the same gene mutation letters and numbers have things that are unquie to us. There are several gene mutation letters and numbers but it's a gene mutation in our brain receptors. Luckily I have the one my parents had to be carriers had 50/50 chance of having a child with it . I have it but not a carrier for it so my children and grandsons are fine. My brother doesn't have it nor a carrier. But there are 3 that if a person has it they are also a carrier so it means they pass it on to their children.

IntoTheEther you do not sound like a pity party you are hurt. Reading your 2nd post . Not speaking to her grandad for 7 years is awful. My sister in law unless she texts her sons they never bother with her. And they never contact their granddad he will be 94 this week. My brothers chidren treat her better than her own. If anyone should estranged their mom its my nephew and 2 nieces by my brother's 2nd wife she has always been a nightmare and still is . My husband couldn't stand the sight of her but was never treated badly as she was family.

Have to go . Will be back have move it or lose it class this morning and need to get up.

Just realised I haven't posted for a while so pages behind again. I really don't know where time goes.

IntoTheEther glad you found this thread. No one wants to become estranged unfortunately it seems to become a weapon to use against family members especially to parents .

We all come to a point when we decide estrangement with child / children or grandchildren to give up . Took me 3 years to decide I never want to see or speak to my son ever again . We are strangers . I have no idea who he is now and I am definitely not the mom he knew. He sent the email in May 2020 and up to 2023 contacted him 3 times via text . One for bank details as I sold my husband's number plate in 2021 as he left to the children in his will. Had been holding on to it since 2004. Neither wanted it on their cars. My brother contacted via email and after 4 days he didn't reply so I got very mad and knowing he would be at work at 4am sent him a text send me his bank details by 6pm or lose the money . In hindsight wish I had said 9am. He send them at 9.30 am but what hurt was he put thank you . After all the crap he wrote in his email he had the nerve to put thank you . Should say I moved here 7 years on Sunday to live closer to my children . He came every week with my 2 grandsons for 7 months. He told me they got excited when they knew they where coming here .

He had told me they where expecting a 3rd son 27th July 2020. His email ended I don't like you but love you mom so give me a few months. So I did it was his birthday 13th August and second sons the same day. So I sent presents for my new grandson ,cards ,cheque and letter explaining how the cheque was to be spilt including money for my oldest grandson . It was a friendly letter no mention of the email and telling the results of my heart tests. 14th August everything came back all unopened the babies presents crushed finger marks in the wrapping paper a note hand written saying he did not want my vindictive or manipulative behaviour anywhere near my family ever again. Zero contact.

My daughter was here with her eldest and pregnant with my grandson . I don't know if I was more upset or angry. I gave the presents to give to a baby charity my daughter supports.
I have never been vindictive or manipulative in my life.

By what's apping you are only hurting yourself more you need to stop. In the past if I argued with my son we cleared the air but the arguments where always face to face and cleared up face to face . My husband died when our children where 20&16 in 2004 they knew from 2001 their dad wouldn't live 5 years. I gave him a bit of leeway for his behaviour after his dad died. But my daughter wouldn't stand for his nonsense and told him off more than me .

I had and do have disagreements with my daughter occasionally but we do it face to face and its resolved face to face and no grudges held.

As a family we all have tempers and are stubborn. My daughter and me still the same . I assume my son is as well his wife is the same . My son in law is not the sort to lose his temper at home and have known him since November 2003 never heard him swear.

My son not only cut me out of his life but all our side of the family. I know its all down to my daughter in laws jealousy especially of my daughter and how close I was with my son .

Bit confused are you married, separated or divorced ? And which children live with who? Just reading your first post so that's why I am asking . Which of your children are neurodivergent or austic? And how old are they ? Why I ask and you don't have to answer bit confused on how you family situation is?

I have friends with adult children,chidren and children or grandchildren with autism. They don't use their behaviour as an excuse for bad behaviour.

Neurodivergent has only appeared in recent years and lot use it as an excuse for bad behaviour. Neurodivergent in itself is not a diagnosis as it can cover a lot of different behaviour problems.

And before you say I don't know what I am talking about . I was born disabled have visible and invisible disabilities but didn't get diagnosed until I was 63. I have a rare hereditary neurological condition which was only detectable by whole genome genetically testing . I have a mutant gene in my brain receptors. Just thought I was weird for 63 years. First patient at my top neurological hospital in the north west to have it. My neurologist had to research it . Thanking the rare disease society put in touch with a Facebook group with it started 17 years ago by a Brit but its world wide and now hit the 1,196 members mark.

The broad spectrum of Neurodivergent could apply to us but its not what we where born with . The mutant gene is in our DNA. We all strongly reject ND label.

Morning all.

You're right Allsorts, Ziggy's definitely a feisty little character and very entertaining. He's very much like our little Pip, loves playing and is already making up his own games.

Mr. S. said he'll probably really like the cat tunnel and cat cave I bought for Pip but I'm not ready for that yet, and also want to wait until he's fully house trained and has proper bladder control.

We're relieved that the weather has cooled down as he has quite a long, thick coat and wont be able to have his first 'puppy groom' for at least 4 weeks.

I'm introducing him to a brush but he thinks it's something else to chew and play with, so have only managed a couple of brush strokes so far. No idea how Rachel will manage but she's great and will find a way.

Thanks Allsorts and your right about our pets giving us so much love, so pleased to see us when we get home. x

I think an awning would be a very good idea, I would not be able to get the thing up though. Dogs and cats have so much love to give and accept us how we are. Uncomplicated unlike children. Little Ziggy seems a feisty little character and tgerexwill be no shortage of dog sitters.

Lovely to hear about your doggie's progress Smiles I chuckled when you said about him attacking your feet .

Thinking of getting an awning, has anyone else got one?

Nice day everyone xx

Morning all, hope you're all OK.

It was awful here yesterday, hot and it felt as if there wasn't enough oxygen in the air.

Little Ziggy is doing really well. He didn't wake up the first time until 4.30 am this morning which surprised me as he slept a lot yesterday because it was so hot.

The previous two mornings he went through to 5.00 am. We've put some fake grass out on the decking and 75% of the time he toddles outside for the toilet and inside, 99% of the time he uses the training pads.

He responds to 'no' so we've all but stopped him attacking our feet; comes when we call him and if one of us has been out, he runs up to greet us .

I agree Allsorts that being on the autistic spectrum doesn't mean that someone doesn't know the difference between right and wrong.

Having that sense of relief because we're no longer embroiled in their drama and targets for their nastiness isn't something I don't think any of us thought we'd ever say Spring.

Describing the pain as being back stage instead of front stage is spot on. It takes time but I hope that for anyone reading this thread who hasn't yet reached that stage, there's hope and comfort knowing that they will get there in the end.

Thank you Allsorts. Still have ‘off days’ but they are fewer and farther between now and I bounce back from them much more quickly. Is good to be able to come on here when I need some reassurance and understanding though.

Spring, I am glad you and your husband are happy now. You cant live in that knife edge for the rest of your life.What you say is correct, most families go through some sort of tragedy, this is ours. .

We tried for 9 years sending birthday and Christmas cards and the occasional message. Apologising, asking what we could do to try and repair the relationship. Each time no response….which slowly and steadily destroyed us. Eventually we realised for our own well being we had to let go and rebuild our lives. Which we have done, and tbh living now without the constant trauma feels like a release. We are happy. Very few families get through life without some form of tragedy….estrangement is ours. It is possible to heal, or at least for the pain to become backstage rather than front stage. Our last communication with our EC was to tell them we loved them. I am content with that. As said above, we can’t influence another person’s actions. We can’t change the past. We can use the time left to us to live a good life however.