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Return to abuser

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Karenw Fri 15-May-26 14:27:41

I’m searching for a forum for mothers of abused daughters but having difficulty finding one. My daughter was in an abusive marriage for ten years and had two children with him. Four years ago we moved to where she was living in Florida and after a very abusive event, snuck her and my grandchildren out of the house in the middle of the night. My daughter and grandchildren have been seeing a counselor and healing for three years. My daughter is in a doctorate program and working. I have been a surrogate mother to my grandchildren during this time.
A month ago, she moved back in with her abusive ex-husband and will only text me very short responses to my texts (except during the two phone calls when she berated me for expressing my concern for her safety).
For now, she lets me see the grandchildren, even though it’s only weekly. I don’t ask them questions about the situation, but regardless can tell they have been coached not to tell me anything about what is happening in their lives.
I am grieving the loss of relationships and obviously very concerned about everyone’s safety and well-being. I am receiving counseling, but am surprised at how few services there are for parents of children who are in an abusive relationship. My research shows that victims return to their abusers an average of seven times. I consider the ramifications of these events on my grandchildren and feel a panic that is very hard to quiet.
Have you experienced anything similar and offer advice?

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crazyH Fri 15-May-26 14:41:18

My daughter was in what I thought was an abusive relationship. I noticed a few things but when I asked her about it, she brushed it off. Her front door was broken because she had locked him out 😂 - she neither drinks nor smokes , so it was tough on her to wait all night for a drunken husband. She was the main bread winner.
They are now divorced.
However, I have been told that he still borrows money from her. She is regular touch with him. I think he was her first love and she can’t ever get over him. If I say anything negative about him, her hackles rise.
Fortunately her 2 children are adults and have jobs. They see their Dad. I only hope he is not borrowing money from them.
He is self employed. So he is more on the golf course than at work 😡

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Allsorts Fri 15-May-26 15:14:21

Karen, afraid no advice except to look after yourself, you are always there for your daughter and she knows that. Only she can alter her life but it must be very hard for you seeing her go through it. You are the steady one for your grandchildren, they need that.💐

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Smileless2012 Fri 15-May-26 15:23:33

Hello Karen, I have no personal experience but my heart goes out to you flowers.

It's very important that you continue the contact you have with your daughter and GC so you are doing the right thing by not asking them anything about their home life as this could result in your daughter stopping your contact with them.

This is also important when communicating with your daughter which is why expressing your concerns is to be avoided.

I can't begin to imagine how worried you must be about her and the children, and I hope that the counselling you're receiving will enable you to navigate what must be a very stressful and ongoing situation.

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onalongsabbatical Fri 15-May-26 15:42:18

Hey Karenw try Mumsnet too. Gransnet is lovely but there's a lot more traffic on Mumsnet and abuse is frequently discussed. Best topic to post under is probably relationships, that's where most of these discussions are. Best of luck.

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