How should a family manage an estranged relationship?

Thank you Smileless2012, that’s very kind of you to say 🙏🏻

I wish we were better equipped to communicate and better understand each other I'm sure that a lot of the pain that estrangement causes would be avoided if we were Plevey.

There's no blame in seeking emotional support when going through a particularly difficult time stillawipp. Maybe those who haven't quite got there yet are still trying to understand and come to terms with what happened. Maybe they'll never get there and if they don't, that will be because of the decisions they make and not because when you needed it, you asked for support and they wanted to give it to you.

Tbh I didn’t know what I wanted during our estrangement - half the time I wanted the whole family to ‘come over to our side’ and thus provide validation for us being estranged, and then the other half of the time my heart broke for my son at the prospect of him being isolated from other family members as well as us! My poor family didn’t know which way was up, I don’t think! Now that we are reconciled, I am so thankful at the ones who have ‘followed our lead’ and reconnected with him too, and as for the ones who haven’t quite got there yet….well I just reason that I am partly to blame for seeking emotional support from them in the first place.

Sometimes it's better to take a step back long before estrangement...as estrangement is so unforgiving and often final. I think we all can allow things to simmer away inside us. Then the big blow up! God I wish we were better equipped to communicate and better understand each other.

It would have struck me as odd too albertina, if it hadn't happened to us.

HeyGirl

Families fall out all the time and can make up, but estrangement is another level. I was estranged from my parents for several years, they couldn't get on with my husband and told me, by letter, he wasn't welcome at their house and wouldn't visit me whilst he was there. I took my husband's 'side' although there were issues with behaviour in both. It cost me in years of coolness in my relationship with my sister, I wasnt invited to family occasions. After the birth of my daughter I managed to build a workable relationship with my parents for her sake but it was never the same. Lots was left unspoken. Much hurt was felt by me, it took me many years to cope with what I felt as rejection. One thing I know is that an estrangement can't be undone, is unlikely to be fully repaired and is painful all round. Best avoided if you can talk it through and reach a compromise. That's a tall order though.

Estrangement CAN be undone

Years ago I met a woman on an IT course who was estranged from her son. It struck me as very odd indeed.

It's only now that I am estranged from my younger daughter that I fully understand how this can happen.

It's painful, but I had had enough and so had her sister.

All you can do is keep the warring parties apart, it's never simple or easy and you may never get resolution dont take sides

That's a good point Mamasperspective. Not calling out horrible behaviour can be viewed as condoning it and allowing it to continue, by the one carrying it out and the one on the receiving end.

There is for some, the fear that if they do 'call it out' that they may also find themselves estranged which I think was the dilemma my m.i.l. faced.

She didn't like the way we and especially her son were being treated but didn't want to be prevented from seeing her GS and GGC.

Mamasperspective

I don't think it's about choosing a side but it is important to call out the horrible behaviour when you see it, otherwise you could be seen as enabling the mistreatment of the one being targeted. It's important to hear both sides and just see both parties as fully functioning grown adults instead of making excuses based on age/past negative life experiences etc. I certainly wouldn't just sit back and say nothing as then you are allowing mistreatment continue, and that's basically choosing a side anyway. The issue is the initial cause of the conflict and that's what needs to be addressed ... so many families prefer to rug sweep and pretend an issue hasn't happened which causes resentment and (I believe) is a major reason why estrangement levels are so high at the moment.

Well, our problem with DHs ACs wasn’t historical grievances etc.

They wanted money, monthly, to prop up a combination of reckless debt, alcohol addiction, and gambling addiction.

We said ‘no’. And then bouncing estrangement started -for 18 years. 🙄

Then we got into the ‘all old people are a burden’ routine. We never once asked them to do a thing.

Luckily, my family are the complete opposite, so we didn’t miss his lot too much.

When he died, they waited expectantly for the inheritance they assumed they’d get.

However, he’d changed his Will. They got nothing.

So, as I say, I hope their unkindness keeps them warm in the Winter. 😉

As a mother estranged, listening to people that estrange their parents because they do not get on is chilling. Perhaps they will have children of their own who will one day follow the pattern and estrange them and wont't know why just that they love them despite a problem unknown. Only then can you judge.

I don't think it's about choosing a side but it is important to call out the horrible behaviour when you see it, otherwise you could be seen as enabling the mistreatment of the one being targeted. It's important to hear both sides and just see both parties as fully functioning grown adults instead of making excuses based on age/past negative life experiences etc. I certainly wouldn't just sit back and say nothing as then you are allowing mistreatment continue, and that's basically choosing a side anyway. The issue is the initial cause of the conflict and that's what needs to be addressed ... so many families prefer to rug sweep and pretend an issue hasn't happened which causes resentment and (I believe) is a major reason why estrangement levels are so high at the moment.

Smileless2012

That must be upsetting for you Debbi but if that's the decision they have made, there's nothing you can do but enjoy the time you get to spend with them even though they wont spend that time together.

I think a lot does depend on the age of the child DiamondLily and when it comes to estrangement we're not talking about small children but adult children, who are old enough too make their decisions and go their own way.

I don't know if it was on this thread or another on this forum that I posted this, but we needed and depended on one another to get through our estrangement. We stood united and I believe that divided we'd have fallen.

Well, as I’ve said before - my mother was a difficult woman (to say the least 😳) but she was a lovely, lovely Nan, and I never had any thoughts of disrupting what she and my young children, at that point, had.

They loved her until the day she died. They never knew my true feelings about her - and they never will.

They came first in my life. 😊

But, there was never any question of me not standing by, and supporting my late husband with regards to his ghastly ACs. . 😉

They had the front to contact me a few months ago to ‘mend bridges’

I trust my two word answer to them was crystal clear, 🤐

BlessedArt

Yes, for sure it is important to decide one’s own personal boundaries. Abuse of my loved ones is one of mine.

Equally important is allowing others to decide their own. I can only control my choices, but I wouldn’t seek to sway my husband’s choices when it comes to his children. Family conflict is so complex and never easy to deal with. I just could never take solace in even suggestively influencing my husband to cut off our child if that’s not what either want. Other feelings matter besides my own. Further family division can never comfort me.

It made life easier that my DH and I didn’t share birth children, so all I could do was stand by him in support of him, with the way his adult children were carrying on.

The only emotions I felt towards them were murderous. 🙄

But, it was wearing - adult children threatening, abusing and having tantrums is incredibly boring.

I wouldn’t have put up with it from my own ACs and it was frustrating.

But, they lost out, big time, in the end, so I can only hope they’re happy with how it all panned out. 😉

They reaped what they’d sown. .

That must be upsetting for you Debbi but if that's the decision they have made, there's nothing you can do but enjoy the time you get to spend with them even though they wont spend that time together.

I think a lot does depend on the age of the child DiamondLily and when it comes to estrangement we're not talking about small children but adult children, who are old enough too make their decisions and go their own way.

I don't know if it was on this thread or another on this forum that I posted this, but we needed and depended on one another to get through our estrangement. We stood united and I believe that divided we'd have fallen.

My twin daughters are estranged, they are 33 now . It started at senior school, different groups of friends , different interests etc. They fell out big time over a guy they both liked aged 19. They have barely spoken since. It's caused me so much stress and upset over the years , eventually I gave up trying to help them maintain a relationship. No family Christmas's etc . They even had separate parties for their 30th. It definitely has an impact on the rest of the family

Yes, for sure it is important to decide one’s own personal boundaries. Abuse of my loved ones is one of mine.

Equally important is allowing others to decide their own. I can only control my choices, but I wouldn’t seek to sway my husband’s choices when it comes to his children. Family conflict is so complex and never easy to deal with. I just could never take solace in even suggestively influencing my husband to cut off our child if that’s not what either want. Other feelings matter besides my own. Further family division can never comfort me.

Oh well I agree with that. I saw how much my late DH was hurt by his ACs simply because of money.

I lived that dream for 18 years.

Abuse, by anyone, is never acceptable. They lost out in the end, but I hope their unkindness keeps them warm in winter. 😉

InRainbows

I would put my child before my spouse, I have no idea if that is the norm but I would. I wouldn't walk away from a small child because that is what my spouse wanted so I would not do it when they are adults either. I'm not sure young people are as described there. I think they are better at relationships and working at them if anything than many people my own age.

This is my perspective as well with some exceptions. I am blessed to be married to a man who feels the same. However, if one of my adult children were to ever be repeatedly abusive to my husband I may opt to distance myself from that relationship. Not specifically out of loyalty but because I am not so forgiving of anyone abusing my loved ones, regardless of who they are. It’s my personal boundary, not one imposed upon me by the guilt-trips of a spouse.

Ok, well best, in the end, that we all do what’s best for ourselves. It’s only us that have to live with the decisions we make. 😊

It does depend on the situation but the decision would still be mine alone. I am taken aback at how horrified even the thought made me.

A small child, no. An adult child - depends on the situation. 🤷‍♀️

I would put my child before my spouse, I have no idea if that is the norm but I would. I wouldn't walk away from a small child because that is what my spouse wanted so I would not do it when they are adults either. I'm not sure young people are as described there. I think they are better at relationships and working at them if anything than many people my own age.

I can’t speak about my birth children and ever being estranged, because it hasn’t happened.

But, for 18 years I put up with my late husband’s birth children bouncing us in and out of estrangement. They agreed he’d been a great dad, but they always wanted us to dance to their financial tune. 🙄

Nope. Wasn’t happening. The day after DHs funeral, I told them exactly what I thought of them. And estranged them for good.

They’re out of my life, thank goodness. 👍🥂. But I tried for years.

I can’t be bothered to deal with whining and abusive adult kids. 🙄

My only sibling, my brother, also upset me so much, I blew him and his family out for good as well. All good.👍. Again, I gave it my best shot.

But, I have no problem with my DD still seeing him etc. I’ve just told her that they’re dead to me, so I don’t want to know anything. That works.👍

But, when you get married, your spouse should be your priority - and I’d never have not stood by my husband’s side with family relationships, any more than he would have me.

But, unhappily, there are too many controlling and coercive younger adults around now. 🤷‍♀️. Probably influenced by social media. 🙄

The slightest thing and they’re all screaming around in victim mode.

Shame really. 🙄

I think depending on the specific circumstances one choice can absolutely be right or wrong. I don’t believe in blind loyalty in the face of objective wrong. I’ve known of a situation where one parent abused a child, as an adult the child cut the abuser off, and the other parent cut the child off. I will never agree that the parent siding with their abusive spouse and refusing to see their own child was correct. I unapologetically find it a repulsive decision to make.

But the main thing is that if a parent and child wish to be united, not even a spouse should come between that. Makes no difference to me if the spouse is part of the younger or older couple, bio parent or step parent. Parents and their children who want a relationship should be allowed to have one without anyone making them feel guilty for it.