How should a family manage an estranged relationship?

The decision to go NC shouldn't mean that other family members should follow suit, but it must be extremely difficult if one parent is able to see the EAC and GC if the other is unable too.

I do think it is admirable when an EAC allows their children's relationship with their GP's to continue Ziggy .

I went NC with my mother in 2014 (not an easy decision). Some of her half siblings, cousins and extended family blocked her on social media following rather awful posts (their choice)
My own children keep in touch and are there for her in emergencies.
I don't have a problem with that.
Just because I decided after many years of counselling and psychotherapy to walk away I certainly wouldn't expect other family members to do the same
Going NC is never ever an easy decision but sometimes its the only way to protect our own mental health
Sad situation unfortunately

I can't begin to imagine how hard that must be Soozikinzi.

I a. In the same situation as you InRainbows where I am allowed contact but DH isnt . Just here to empathise really on how difficult it is . Also extremely difficult tor our other DSs who stay in conact with EDS and DGD and their Dad. Causes such alot of heartbreak all round affects what should be joyous occasions as well.

Thank you so much Smileless 2012 for your kindness.

The kindness of strangers is so valuable
But in a way our painful journeys join us
with compassion, understsnding and acceptance. Xx

It is as you say Prancer a painful and lonely journey but now you've posted here, I'm hoping that you will feel a little less lonely.

Walking away is the hardest thing that a loving parent can do but for our well being, and to have any hope of quality in our lives, sometimes it's the only way x .

Hi Smileless 2012.

Thanks so much for your welcome. Its a really lonely journey at times and very painful.
The person who accidentally made things worse was so upset and I assured her it was okay. Misunderstanding and ES thought we had given birthday present to 21 year old grandaughter but it was my older son that gave it not us.
It was explained to ES but he loves to abuse us and will never say sorry Mum I got that wrong.
We have been denied any contact and no presents which we have abided by. The ES needs hardly any excuse to abuse me. When I found out I knew it was on for young and old.

Yes he is blocked on all communication but we check blocked messages from time to time just in case he threatens us.

He says its a permannet split but cant help himself and sends abuse grenades usually once a month.

So lucky he lives 4 hours away.

We have stayed silent but after this last event where we had done nothing wrong I told him what for. So over everything and told him not to contact us again.

He is so arrogant but hides his abuse from the rest of the family so they dont know what its like. Comes across as nice but to us he is cruel and nasty.

He is still blocked so the texts dont come through to my inbox but stay in blocked folder.

Its been 5 years now since it started but few years before that we noticed signs that we werent wanted.

We are expecting to be slammed of FB as thats his way of punishing but luckily we cant see it.

Time to call him out and stand up to him.
Walking away is extremely sad for us but our peace of mind and quality of life is being affected

So helpful to be heard here. Awful journey.

Thank you so very very much xx

Everyone, and every situation is different. Unless you experience it first hand, it is impossible to imagine how someone feels, and why they act in a certain way. Therefore, we should try not to judge, as we cannot really know all the facts, and thus are unaware of the whole picture. I hope that this helps.

Hello Prancer and welcome to the estrangement forum.

I'm so sorry you are having to go through this, we've been estranged from our youngest son and only GC for 13.5 years so I understand how heart breaking this is.

You said you'd blocked him, so did you unblock him which has enabled him to continue with his abuse?

In your situation I would ensure that he is blocked from any way of contacting you in the future, telling him that you are doing so and as he's previously said this is a permanent split, he's to leave you alone.

Don't allow him or anyone else to involve you in anything that involves your son. You need to be strong and determined, making it abundantly clear to family and friends that you don't want to talk about anything to do with your son and his family.

There is a support thread on this forum which is regularly read and posted on. It's a 'safe place' to share with others who are estranged and are only too happy to give what support they can .

Hi all. First time posting about our estrangement.
Youngest son (adult stepson ) to my DH.

Five years ago things burst into the open.with the start of a verbally abusive text.
I had to cancel a family get together due to a crisis which was very distressing. Before I could ask youngest DS to help host it he went for me by text.

I had to block him aa I was so distressed ftom the crisis. Its been ongoing in the open from there with periods of him talking to me but flare ups so quickly which lead to abuse.

Cant see the late teens grandkids but they have chosen to discard us like their father.

Its been exhausting with insults amd gaslighting.

Just today a mix up someone else made which drew me into the situation. I was clear of having anything to do with it but another opportunity to abuse again.

Weve been smeared on social media, abused in private texts etc. Es is clever and hides his behsviour from some family members so they dont know whats going on behind the scenes.

Hes said before its a permanent split but keeps coming back to be cruel again.

Exhausted and we know this cant be fixed. We dont want to keep talking about this to our family and friends so posting on this safe place is a relief
Thanks for listenng

From my experience there are some pretty horrible people about. They worm, twist, question, and gossip, and, the more they do it the more intense it become. I had an aunt who was toxic, as were both her daughters. They all fell out with each other and expected family members to take sides. My mother was a great one for keeping the peace but once she had passed away, I did not bother anymore and it was bliss without them. They, all three, are now long gone. For all their vitriol, toxicity, and poison, what is there to show for it? Nothing!

When my daughter cut us off for no real reason I actively encouraged my son to visit both his sisters as I feel he might need them in the future. This he has done, but they don’t reciprocate. Luckily he has a lovely family of his own and is a great dad and has a supportive wife.

Good advice from MissA and agnurse JAN and as MissA has suggested, you might do better starting a new thread on the Relationships forum for example.

JAN1954

One thing you might consider is looking into Al-Anon. This is a program for people who are affected by someone else's drinking. They can offer support, encouragement, and advice on how to cope.

In the meantime, a lot of people would advise building a seperate life, even if you are under the same roof.
Make friends of your own, go out and about without him, amd leave him to his own devices.
Perhaps have a bedroom of your own, decorated to your choice, so its a restful retreat, away from him.

You probably meant to start a new thread, i expect.
You're likely to get more responses if you do, as fhis thread is about estrangemt and tends to be not a widely used one by people who aren't estranged.
It doesn't matter, but people will respond more elsewhere, on, say fhe "chat" or relationships forums.

Are there any ladies who can give me advice regarding an elderly husband who drinks to excess and talks and behaves in an unreasonable manner while drunk. I should explain since retirement he drinks every day starting early afternoon until 7.30ish or so. I feel my life is being wasted by this behaviour. I have been diagnosed with an illness which causes fatigue etc and I feel I simply can't stand this selfish behaviour. It's pointless trying to discuss his behaviour with him as he is one of these people who thinks he is always right. It is all very tiring and to be honest embarrassing. I simply don't know what to do about this at my time of life. Any advice would be appreciated.

As someone who did the estranging, I want the other family to stay out of it on my end. My mother tried to use one of my siblings to get information from me so I had to block him too.

What they say about me or whatever support the wider family gives my mother is not my concern. It only bothers me if it involves me.

No one but EAC actually know what it's like to realize you must cut family off for your own good. It's a selfish decision, no doubt about it. Making that choice to be selfish is really difficult. I knew who the extended family would support so I understood the gravity of the situation.

But you wouldn't know unless you had to do it. I was at a tipping point with my health and my decision has saved me. I didn't have any choices left except this one.

To my family I'm heartless and self-centered, and my mother was a great mother to me that I betrayed for no good reason. But that perception doesn't harm me so I'm not worried about it.

Not right or wrong, different absolutely Norah.

Smileless2012

IMO it's unrealistic to expect those who have been estranged not to talk to other family members about it Norah.

We were frequently asked especially in the beginning if there's been any contact, how we were and how we were coping. After 13.5 years we're no longer asked about contact but are still asked how we are and how we're coping at certain times of the Year. Christmas; birthdays; mothers and fathers day.

Least said soonest mended well after years of estrangement this clearly hasn't been the case for us and for many others.

As for whether or not one parent should continue the relationship with the AC whose estranged the other, that is something only they can decide. It needs to be a joint decision and it needs to be looked at again if the reality is causing problems for the one being excluded which could also undermine their relationship.

Mr. S. and I had that conversation years ago and decided that any reconciliation would have to include both or neither. Without the support we had from one another, I doubt either of us would have come through this. We come as a pair; united we stand and I think that divided we'd have fallen.

My answer to the stated question was my opinion.

When thoughts differ, staying silent serves me well. I'd not be airing my laundry to all and sundry. I'd choose continuing my relationships.

Your opinion is different to mine. Not right or wrong, different.

IMO it's unrealistic to expect those who have been estranged not to talk to other family members about it Norah.

We were frequently asked especially in the beginning if there's been any contact, how we were and how we were coping. After 13.5 years we're no longer asked about contact but are still asked how we are and how we're coping at certain times of the Year. Christmas; birthdays; mothers and fathers day.

Least said soonest mended well after years of estrangement this clearly hasn't been the case for us and for many others.

As for whether or not one parent should continue the relationship with the AC whose estranged the other, that is something only they can decide. It needs to be a joint decision and it needs to be looked at again if the reality is causing problems for the one being excluded which could also undermine their relationship.

Mr. S. and I had that conversation years ago and decided that any reconciliation would have to include both or neither. Without the support we had from one another, I doubt either of us would have come through this. We come as a pair; united we stand and I think that divided we'd have fallen.

Our daughter estranged herself 6 years ago from both of us, with no warning or explanation. She posted all sorts of horrible things about my wife on social media, but nothing about me, because (so I am told) I was her favourite parent, the fun guy, whereas my wife did most of the hard and unappreciated work in managing the house and the family. Which is very unfair, because I've no doubt that my wife was the better parent.

I don't know if she will ever reach out to us, but if she does, it's more likely to be to me. So I've given a lot of thought to what I would do if she wants to reconcile with me but not with my wife. And I've decided I would put my wife first and explain that we are a team, she either reconciles with both of us or neither of us, and if she chooses the latter, well that would be her choice.

Is it acceptable for anyone to expect us to choose a side?

IMO, the person estranged shouldn't talk to any other family member attempting to explain what they did or said as I believe that could only cause problems. Least said soonest mended.

Seems if only one parent is estranged the other should continue their own loving relationship with their child, remaining neutral to whatever estrangement issues their spouse may express.

Estrangement rarely if ever only affects the ones who estrange, and the ones who have been estranged.

It doesn't have to be talked about in any detail for other family members to know the pain that's caused as a result. Siblings for example may struggle with seeing the affect on their parents and they and others may not feel comfortable being in contact for fear of increasing that pain, or because they simply don't agree with what's happening.

There's also the possibility that other family members may not wish to be seen as condoning what's happened if they don't, as Mamasperspective posted earlier, 'call out' what they perceive as mistreatment by the one whose estranged or the one whose been estranged.

stillawipp

Tbh I didn’t know what I wanted during our estrangement - half the time I wanted the whole family to ‘come over to our side’ and thus provide validation for us being estranged, and then the other half of the time my heart broke for my son at the prospect of him being isolated from other family members as well as us! My poor family didn’t know which way was up, I don’t think! Now that we are reconciled, I am so thankful at the ones who have ‘followed our lead’ and reconnected with him too, and as for the ones who haven’t quite got there yet….well I just reason that I am partly to blame for seeking emotional support from them in the first place.

I completely understand your point there. Being a person who is being vented at that does not wish to take sides. It is very hard when there is clear upset and it is also hard to know whose version is the truth. I think it is probably always safer to try and protect family relationships and either talk it through with friends who probably know you the best. I must say that I have always been more likely to talk to friends rather than risk anyone being in the middle. I can't say I could manage that successfully though in such a high emotion situation.