It's official: Grandparents are good for children

Sometimes the one estranging can't see their own issues, recognise their failings and try and amend for them.

It's such a shame that once again there are suggestions that those who are estranged are at fault for not recognising their failings and trying to amend for them.

Reconciliation requires the desire for resolution from all concerned. Those who successfully reconcile do so because the one's who estranged them want reconciliation too. If the one who estranges doesn't, there's nothing that the one whose been estranged can do. That may not be the only foundation of the problem, but it is one of them.

And that's the foundation of the problem tbh, the fact that the estranged person can't see their own issues and behaviour towards thd child, leaving no other option but estrangement.
None of us parented perfectly, we all learned on the job, the difference is, some of us recognise our failings and try and amend for them...some of us don't.

No one here has said no reason has ever been reported baskestrategic and TBH, I wouldn't expect an EAC to say they'd estranged their parents to hurt them, anymore than I'd expect to see an EP say they've been estranged because they were abusive.

Can we please be mindful of who reads this forum. Yes, there will always be reasons but those reasons can and sometimes do have nothing to do with the parent(s) being estranged, and you're right stillawipp no-one ever goes from a perfect relationship to estrangement instantly because perfect relationships don't exist do they.

I know from your posts that you were open to seeing/hearing the reasons for your estrangement and acted accordingly but please don't assume that those of us who remain estranged haven't been or wouldn't have been had we been given the opportunity to do so.

There will always be reasons. No-one ever goes from a perfect relationship to estrangement instantly - whether or not people are open to seeing/hearing those reasons is another thing entirely.

Yes, the pain and heartbreak felt by a parent being estranged is very real and valid, whether they know the reason or not. At the same time, I think holding the choice to estrange against the adult child likely to be counterproductive. Adult children don’t report estranging their parent(s) because they want to punish them or hurt them (not to say it doesn’t hurt parents, just that that is not the reason.) They report that they choose to estrange for their own wellbeing. In those instances I suppose the question becomes, what’s more important, the pain a parent feels being estranged from their adult child, or the betterment of their adult child’s life from being estranged?
I say this based off of surveys and statistics and am not trying to apply them to anyone’s specific situation here. Just food for thought.

Whatever their reason even if they just cannot be bothered or find us irritating, its surely not hard to understand how a parent that really loves her adult child and is heartbroken when dumped, you never stop loving them. She estranged all family, I was the last to go, I child minded as she was always on holiday,

There's always reasons x

“No reason” is also never reported from what I can find.

Of course grandparents are wonderful to have and be present as long as there is a good relationship all around.

What about grandparents that don't want to be grandparents? Or ones that are ok being a yearly visit but everyone is ok with that?
Or children that don't have any at all?

I haven't read the article, but is that Jennifer Saunders from ab fab?

I didn't say any AC estranges just for fun.

Right, I’m not saying it never happens. I’m saying that (from what I can find) no adult child reports estranging just for fun. Indicating if it that is ever the reason it is exceedingly rare.

My apologies. You posted just because is never the reason reported but that doesn't mean it's never the reason does it.

No, I wasn't conflating two different things I was pointing out that no one can make a definitive statement that they know something is not the case when it comes to estrangement.

No one knows for certain what percentage of EPs couldn't or wouldn't take in what their AC tried to tell them just as no can know for certain how many estrange 'just because'.

It is of course possible that the percentage of AC who estrange 'just because' is lower but that's not what you said, you said you know that estranging 'just because' doesn't happen.

You are conflating two different things: the reason an adult child estranged their parent, and whether or not the adult child told their parent.

Further, we have an example on this thread of a parent acknowledging their child did try to tell them the reasons and she wouldn’t listen (a big show of emotional maturity which I applaud) and has now reconciled. What percentage of estranged parents also couldn’t take in what their adult child tried to tell them? Who knows for certain, but based on what I’ve read from the accounts of both parties, I suspect a much higher percentage than adult children estranging just because.

You only know what you've read from the EAC who have said so; what about those who haven't? No one can say that this is not and is never the case unless they survey all EAC which is never going to happen is it.

EP's on this forum are often disbelieved when they say they don't know why they've been estranged because we're told that never happens and yet, DogWhisperer provided a link to a survey of EAC where 55%, more than half of those who took part, said they'd never told their parents why.

Smileless2012

How do you know this not to be the case? As you say anything is possible. Maybe you should read some stories and studies from the perspective of parents who have been estranged.

I also read many estranged parents’ stories as well, which is why I’m here.

I know it’s not the case because the estranged adult children say so on a large scale. There are individual stories, surveys, and studies. The information is out there. The estranged adult children know why they made that choice much better than their parents or anyone else outside of extreme situations such as psychosis (though I’ve never come across a situation like that.)

How do you know this not to be the case? As you say anything is possible. Maybe you should read some stories and studies from the perspective of parents who have been estranged.

Smileless2012

For some, just because they want to is the reason they cut their parents off MarieElla.

How do you know this to be the case? Anything is possible, however, I’ve read many stories and studies on why adult children estrange their parent(s) and “just because they wanted to” is never the reported reason.

But thank you for the suggestion anyway - that is exactly what I did, & it started our reconciliation process off!

MarieElla

Stillawipp, why not write/email your son the above?
You've reflected and have a clear picture of what went wrong now.
Worth a try?

Oh no, sorry I should have been clearer - we are fully reconciled now!

For some, just because they want to is the reason they cut their parents off MarieElla.

Marie I put that badly, I did not I was talked about in the press just when I was estranged it wasn't a subject talked about it was shameful.

Marie Ella, I am afraid it does hapoen a lot. When I was first cut off I blamed myself entirely, what could I have done? Now it is talked about openly in the press., A perceived wrong comment and instead of mentioning it they walk away. I tried everything but in the end had to respect her
feelings and for my own sanity, realised I did not exist to her and fit in with her lifestyle. Life will never be the same.

I really think there are very few cases of young people becoming estranged from parents just because they want to.....why would they cut their parents off for no reason?

Stillawhip, they estrange because they want to. There is an article in Saga magazine, they call it cancelling parents now and is very common. They can't be bothered with us anymore, there are not reason just excuses. Is anyone perfect? Are they?
No sense of duty, no real love. Just interested in themselves. Look how Harry on TV,and in his book told everyone who would listen, how he was the victim and how bad he had been treated. He wants back in now. People have been abused, starved, been put into unfit care systems and still made good lives. twelve years on I see things objectively now.,