It's official: Grandparents are good for children

I agree with this. Plus many (not all) grandchildren have 2 sets of grandparents so the absence of one is often fulfilled by the other set.

eddiecat78

*love the puppies* I've found your posts very interesting. Estranged grandparents are often told that grandchildren won't miss what they've never had. But you've put a different perspective on that. Thankyou.

My grandparents weren't estranged. We just never saw them due to distance. Maybe it would have been easier if they were estranged and some serious reason could have been given for it? I'm talking about not knowing an entire family system in my case. No grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins either. When I was a child I just accepted it. I've found it harder as I've got older and wished for those connections.

It does have an impact on children. I can look back now and see that I've spent a lifetime looking for family. In my late teens I joined a church, which my parents found really hard. That didn't last. I'm not conformist enough. Other ways too. I've decided that being an island is just my lot for this life.

My parents also found it hard as grandparents, I think, because when you grow up without any, you learn they are not a significant part of the nuclear family and make choices accordingly. That's hard when you're a grandparent who has banked all your family connections in your children, having left the rest behind yourself.

Surely like every other category there are good and bad grandparents?
Generalising isn,t wise or helpful.
I had a wonderful granny but two of myfriends had grannies from hell.One used to take presents from her and send them to her other GC who lived abroad.The other used to shut her in the garden shed for an hour at a time for supposed misdemeanour,s.

Not alL grannies are a cross between an angel and Mary Poppins ..a wee bit of reality on some threads wouldn,t go amiss.
Just like parents there are good and bad grandparents.

You’ve just repeated what I already said. I said parents in general, that includes today’s parents. Have you considered mental health issues are rising because the methods for screening for mental health issues have improved? Or are today’s parents not included in whatever you’re referring to by “older adults”?

Back again with “no parent is perfect.” It’s as pointless as bringing up that water is wet. It goes without saying, is dismissive of the issue being discussed, and was already acknowledged in my comment.

stillawipp

I'm so sorry User148931, that must have been hugely difficult for you. Every child deserves to feel loved and safe. There must have been reasons why she was like she was, but that doesn't take away from the huge traumas you experienced as a child

There were a lot of reasons she was like that with me, none of them are good though.

That is what we're often told eddie and although it may be the case for some, it wont be the case for all which would explain why some GC when old enough, have looked for the GP's they'd never known.

I'm so sorry User148931, that must have been hugely difficult for you. Every child deserves to feel loved and safe. There must have been reasons why she was like she was, but that doesn't take away from the huge traumas you experienced as a child

lovethepuppies

Whatever the issue though, just be honest with your children about intention and consequences.

My parents built up a fantasy in their head about our non-existent relationship with our grandparents. They said it occurred because they made a decision that was best for us and they had chosen their course of action with us in mind. Then it became that they just didn't think of it because they were young (which they refuse to let go of, because they were young and no-one thinks that sort of thing at that age - when me and my daughter did at that age, so not buying that). Then they were finally honest - they decided because it was what they wanted to do so they didn't bother thinking about the impact for us children at all.

If they'd just said they didn't give it any thought and they can see the impact it had on us, then it would be one thing and easy enough to move past. Instead, gaslighting and lies make it all the harder. Especially when they've tried to deny our experiences to suit themselves and created an alternative narrative they prefer, which we are also meant to parrot (when it's not true for us).

It's crazy how wildly recollections of the past can differ between people.

If you ask my mom about my childhood, she would say it was fine and normal. She may have been a little stressed from work, but that's about it. While if you ask me about my childhood, you would be left wondering why this women isn't currently in jail.

Any attempts to talk about my past also result only in denials and gaslighting lies. Though in my case, I'm not even sure her lying is intentional, since her narcissism is so prevalent; her mind might literally be incapable of correctly remembering the dark reality of things.

Who knows, but the truth is definitely not somewhere in the middle. One person is stating facts, while the other is outright lying. Just depends on which side one chooses to believe.

love the puppies I've found your posts very interesting. Estranged grandparents are often told that grandchildren won't miss what they've never had. But you've put a different perspective on that. Thankyou.

Whatever the issue though, just be honest with your children about intention and consequences absolutely lovethepuppies.

If your children aren't seeing GP's because you don't want any contact with them then it's better for you and them to be honest about it.

Whatever the issue though, just be honest with your children about intention and consequences.

My parents built up a fantasy in their head about our non-existent relationship with our grandparents. They said it occurred because they made a decision that was best for us and they had chosen their course of action with us in mind. Then it became that they just didn't think of it because they were young (which they refuse to let go of, because they were young and no-one thinks that sort of thing at that age - when me and my daughter did at that age, so not buying that). Then they were finally honest - they decided because it was what they wanted to do so they didn't bother thinking about the impact for us children at all.

If they'd just said they didn't give it any thought and they can see the impact it had on us, then it would be one thing and easy enough to move past. Instead, gaslighting and lies make it all the harder. Especially when they've tried to deny our experiences to suit themselves and created an alternative narrative they prefer, which we are also meant to parrot (when it's not true for us).

I understand lovethepuppies, even with established and unbroken relationships when social media is the main or only conduit, it's never the same.

DogWhisperer

I don't really understand your last post. Are you saying you want a relationship with your extended family, or not? If you do, what's stopping you from contacting them? I have extended family in Australia who I've never met F2F (I wrote about them on Page 4 of this thread) but we keep in touch from time to time by exchanging emails, photos and gifts, and given that we are 9,000 miles apart, that may be all we'll ever do, but I still think it's a valuable relationship.

Relationships are built on shared experiences. I've had some contact with them now with social media, but it is never the same. Even my sibling, who now lives in the same area as them, hasn't been able to build a real family relationship with them. Too much water under the bridge.

Smileless2012

No one said it is.

Than why compare the parenting between generations? The younger generation's mistakes don't cancel out yours.

Smileless2012

No that's true but in some cases that does result in no grandparents being involved and preventing contact between children and one set of GP's for no good reason can still be regarded as doing children a disservice.

I understand that Smileless

No that's true but in some cases that does result in no grandparents being involved and preventing contact between children and one set of GP's for no good reason can still be regarded as doing children a disservice.

estrangement from a parent/grandparent doesn't mean there are no grandparents involved

No one said it is.

It's not a competition.

Could it be that some of today's parents have also overestimated their parenting abilities? It could DL.

Yes. If only I had had perfect children, I too could have been a perfect parent. In fact, that applies to so many other walks of life, doesn't it? You could be a perfect doctor if only you had perfect patients. Or a perfect lawyer if only you had perfect clients...

bakestrategic

Ok. My point is parents in general seem to over estimate they're parenting skills and how well they met their children's needs. I think people in general underestimate the harm they caused their children while raising them, and acknowledging it would be too painful. It's inevitable that parents will harm their children to some extent while raising them despite best efforts. That doesn't mean the harm is acceptable, and saying "I tried my best" "I'm not perfect" minimizes the previous harm and causes further harm in the present. I think that's a big facet in this multifaceted phenomenon.

Yes, well, my generation may not have been perfect in how we reared our children, but no one is a perfect parent. Or a perfect child. 🤷‍♀️

No older adult, with any sense, overestimates their parenting abilities.

But, despite their apparently modern, lovely and knowledgable (via the internet) upbringing, by today’s younger parents, more and more very young children are, (apparently), suffering from stress, anxiety, unhappiness, and needing CAHMS support, than ever before. 🙄

So, what’s gone wrong?🤷‍♀️

Could it be that some of today’s younger parents have also overestimated their parenting abilities?

There’s a thought….🙄🙄🙄

I don't really understand your last post. Are you saying you want a relationship with your extended family, or not? If you do, what's stopping you from contacting them? I have extended family in Australia who I've never met F2F (I wrote about them on Page 4 of this thread) but we keep in touch from time to time by exchanging emails, photos and gifts, and given that we are 9,000 miles apart, that may be all we'll ever do, but I still think it's a valuable relationship.

Educationally, I never had grandparents in my life and I was a top achiever. I don't think it affected me at all that way (as per OP).

It has affected me more in my adult years, especially older ones. The lack of connection and relationship with my roots I feel deeply. My parents have always refused to acknowledge this and spun themselves stories about how close we are to our relatives just because they are family. One day I'd had enough and told them that I had no relationship with these people, I didn't know them, hadn't even met them, so they needed to accept that there was no relationship. My mother cried and stormed off, my father justified it by saying they didn't intend it. I told him that intention didn't change the consequences. I've never put my foot down about that before. Fortunately, they have never brought up the imaginary relationship we have with strangers again.

I wish I knew my family, even just a bit.

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