Separation anxiety

Oh dear. It’s very clear that your daughter has learnt this behaviour from her abusive mother.
There is a lot of information online to help you deal with this.
All is not lost.

Hello ArtyChap and a warm welcome to the estrangement forum.

I'm so sorry to read about your predicament; you must feel between a rock and a hard place.

It's cruel but unfortunately not unusual for GC to be used by their parent(s) in an attempt to control them and of course the children suffer if they're suddenly prevented from seeing the GP's they love.

It seems to me that you have two choices, neither of which are good ones. You can continue to be abused by your daughter so you can continue your relationship with her and your GD, or you can calmly tell her that this situation is intolerable and you will no longer allow yourself to be verbally and emotionally abused and if that means not seeing her or your GD, as much as you wish things could be different, that's how it will be.

You don't say how old your GD is or if her mother is behaving this way in front of her. If she is, then withdrawing from this will be better for your GD as it can't be good for her witnessing her mother's treatment of you, her grand father.

If you do decide to allow this situation to continue then I suggest that you refrain from sending her messages and/or trying to talk to her at least for the time being.

A period of silence from you may get her to take a look at her own behaviour and question whether using her own child in this way is the right thing to do, especially if she's old enough to ask mummy why she can't see grand dad anymore.

That's so sad and upsetting for you ArtyChap. It's also clearly worrying as she sounds very aggressive towards you, and possibly your GC is getting upset as she must be hearing it too. Has she a partner you could talk to or any siblings. She sounds like she needs help. Could you send her a letter and say that you are worried about her behaviour and how it's affecting you. Sounds potentially like unresolved issues from her experiences with her mother. And possibly triggered now she has a young daughter. I might be wrong but I think I'd have to say how you can't carry on with this relationship whilst she clearly resents you. You could ask her why she feels the way she does about you and you'd willingly hear her out if she wanted to genuinely talk or she might prefer to seek professional help. You will have to be honest and say how drained you are by it all. I think a break from seeing her might help. It sounds like she is using you not seeing your GC as a control and anger tool. What does your wife think about it. I wish you well.