I've been a rubbish mum/gran

It never ceases to amaze me how people have multiple children and expect their mothers to help raise them for them, when they've already raised their own family.
It seems they want the penny and the bun.

Where was the husband in all of this? if she couldn't speak up, why didn't he give you a call and ask for help? I don't know the circumstances about his mother and whether she could have stepped in but it sounds so cruelly unjust to treat you as the scapegoat for all their problems, and to whinge to other family members is unforgivable

As far as I can see, you've done nothing wrong Annge you've helped out both ACs as best you can. That Son and Dil seem to have developed short memories by the sounds of it too, they've got a cheek to shove their oar in. They should all look past their own needs, take more responsibility for their own kids and show a bit more consideration for their mother.
I would look to your own health and let the dust settle for now. You could write how you feel in a letter to her and leave the ball in her court, maybe in time she'll see how hurtful she's been

Oreo

Hmmm.🤔

love it! ha ha

I think we all really feel for you Annge. Family dynamics are so full of subtleties and nuances that it's impossible to give advice about what to do. I would say, dont bully yourself over this. You are you, your own kind of mum and granny.. none if us are anywhere near perfect but neither are our kids!! I would just let this storm pass and lie low a bit. Don't JADE (justify,argue, defend, explain. Keep loving them in the way you know best. Be kind to yourself and surround yourself with friendship. I hope it comes right. Take care xxxx

Annge

Hi Casdon

Wow, sounds like you're the mother my daughter wishes she had. Perhaps I can put you two in touch!
You sound amazing, perfect even.
I'm not.

I’m not perfect at all Annge, but my daughter is a great girl, she wouldn’t tell me she was struggling unless she really was, and I’d know it was a cry for help.

The problem with health issues, is that you're not always able to put them to one side.
Whetever you may like, or feel you ought to do, you just can't.
I wasn't well for a large amount of time during my boys schooling, and I needed to be.
I couldn't though.
I felt, and still feel rotten about it, but it is what it is.

Hi Casdon

Wow, sounds like you're the mother my daughter wishes she had. Perhaps I can put you two in touch!
You sound amazing, perfect even.
I'm not.

Hi Smileless2012
Thank you for replying.
Yes, I have had a previous issue with my dil and ds over childcare!
I started minding their son two mornings a week but over the course of the 1st year that slowly and insidiously crept up to 6.30-19.30 on those days as well as Saturday mornings so they could go shopping. I was really struggling with it and had to cut my own part-time work hours back considerably to cope.
So I had a chat with them and asked to go back to closer to the previous arrangement which they seemed to accept. However, the dirty nappy hit the fan as soon as they got home and all hell broke loose. I tackled the situation immediately and we agreed on a compromise - 7.00-17.00 and no more Saturdays.
Although things quickly went back to normal I always felt that there was still bad feeling bubbling away under the surface so when my dd told them her tale of woe it seems to have just reignited the fire.
They are now united in the belief that I have no interest in their children and will only do the bare minimum of what I am asked to do and nothing else. If I am being completely honest, I rarely actually volunteer for babysitting duties because I am worn out so in that respect they do have a point.
DS and DIL moved about an hour away a few months ago so it became even harder to see them and dil will only do prearranged visits but is always very busy. I had tried asking to go to see DGS school plays etc. but apparently the school will only allow two tickets per child.
Honestly, I'm heartbroken at the turn of events, and I absolutely accept that I let my DD down, but it wasn't intentional.
It's such an awful feeling to reach your sixty's and suddenly your life starts crashing down around you - but that's just me feeling sorry for myself again (DD might have a point there!)

Smileless2012

The OP had been helping Casdon and respectfully pulling back when her s.i.l. was at home, so they could be a family unit.

Damned if you do, damned if you don't it often seems that way doesn't it Padstow and it amazes me that there are what appear to be excuses for this unacceptable behaviour. Bringing her brother and his wife into this as well as other family members.

Angee has said her daughter's completely back to normal health and activities and does not have postnatal depression, but even if she did Heygirl that doesn't excuse or explain complaining to other family members and risking or succeeding in scuppering those relationships.

I read it Smileless2012. Nonetheless if my daughter told me over the phone that she was struggling, I would immediately offer my help, because I know she wouldn’t say that unless she really was, and I’d do anything I could to help her get over those first few weeks. All our relationships are different, but if I could help in any way, I’d put myself out to do so.

How old is your Daughter? She sounds about fourteen.
She has had one child so she knew what to expect, and I do not see how you could have helped with breast-feeding and sleepless nights.
Has she thanked you for caring for her son and visiting every day while she was in hospital?
Discussing her complaints with every member of the family is unforgiveable.

The OP had been helping Casdon and respectfully pulling back when her s.i.l. was at home, so they could be a family unit.

Damned if you do, damned if you don't it often seems that way doesn't it Padstow and it amazes me that there are what appear to be excuses for this unacceptable behaviour. Bringing her brother and his wife into this as well as other family members.

Angee has said her daughter's completely back to normal health and activities and does not have postnatal depression, but even if she did Heygirl that doesn't excuse or explain complaining to other family members and risking or succeeding in scuppering those relationships.

Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

Perhaps your daughter needs to realise that you're not a mind-reader.

Just a thought, maybe your DD is suffering from post-natal depression. It can be overwhelming and make you lash out at your nearest and dearest.

If my daughter had spoken to me on the phone and sounded really down after the birth, I must admit I’d have forgotten my own issues and asked if she wanted my help straight away, and I’d have gone there to take my GD out, have her with me for a few nights more, helped out with housework and cooking, looked after the baby so she could sleep, or or whatever it took. My SIL is great, but he’s not the most practical, and she would want him to help too. Sorry, I’m only speaking for myself, not being critical.

Saying things in the heat of the moment usually means to the person or people in the vicinity at the time Franbern. Repeating whatever supposedly did or did not happen to one's sibling and partner with heartbreaking repercussions, plus extended family members doesn't sound like being in the heat of the moment to me.

Annge, I am sure you feel very upset, but do remember, that a young Mum, struggling with feeding and caring for new baby, looking after older sibling and going through all sort of post-pregnancy hormone changes can feel and say things in the heat of the moment, that they learn, later to regret.

I will give my own case - My third child was born a month early, so was sent to hospital and could not have a home birth. Other two children were only 3 yrs and 2 yrs at the time. Hospital was several miles from home, and as our car was unusable, hubbie hired a car to visit me. Then he had an accident in this car and begged me to come home. So I discharged me and baby from hospital - and that, itself, is another story as to how the staff reacted to this.
So, neighbour drove me home and Mum and Dad were there to greet me. I always had a very close relationship with my parents (particularly my Mum), even closer now the only other grandchildren were enstranged from them due to how my brother had treated his wife,
So, I just expected my Mum to stay with me for a short while to help me with older two children, whilst I properly established feeding with baby.
However, my big strong Dad was feeling poorly (he did turn out to have a heavy cold), and said that he wanted/needed his wife to be at home looking after him.
I was so angry at the time (Selfishly so), shouted that if they did not help NOW, then they would have nothing more to do with their grandchildren. My Mum left in tears, and I also cried.
This was early December, and they normally came to me for Christmas (which was also their wedding anniversary). They sent pressies for the children, but that was all. It was a sad Xmas although we did see hubbies Mum and family. I missed my Mum and Dad.
Early February, my Mum phoned me - I was so delighted and within days we had got together and put behind us those last few sad weeks. It was never mentioned again, and fortunately, we were able to have many more celebrations and Christmas's together before my Mum, and then Dad died a few years later.

However, silly as sounds, I still feel so very guilty about that missing Christmas. I totally accept the fault lay with me, expecting them (they were quite elderly g.parents) to look after my children (whom I had chosen to have). I would give a lot to be able to go back in time to 1972 and have that Christmas properly.

Hmmm.🤔

Post partum hormones. You have been a good mum and gran. Just suck it up for now. Apologise and ask her what she wants in future and how you can help in future.

It will pass if you don’t make it worse.

Firstly, you do need to look after yourself first or you’re no use to anyone.

Secondly you’re not a mind reader. None of us are. Your daughter could/should have asked for more help and then you couldn’t have decided whether you could do this.

Finally, I hope for all of you that this passes and resolves itself.

Don’t tell yourself you’re “a rubbish mum/nan”, because even if you feel that way and the rest of the family so too, you cannot change the past, just the future.

Personally, and I clearly only have your side of the story, it was awful of your daughter to discuss the issue between yourself and her with the rest of the family and therefore involving them all.

If you can, please try and repair this relationship before it gets to the point that it becomes past repairing.

Please think very hard about what you want from this relationship and how to approach her without 1) accepting full blame and 2) blaming her for everything.

Sometimes our children have utterly ridiculous expectations from us as parents, sometimes we don’t consider our children’s feeling enough.

Just try your best to speak to her calmly.

What about your husband? And hers?

Best of luck, I truly hope you can work things out

So .... you are being cold-shouldered and criticised for not doing something that you were not asked to do! If she needed help then all she had to do was say: "I am not coping Mum and really need you to come over and help me."

You had her child for 4 days during the delivery - a key contribution to the new arrival.

You have done nothing wrong. Just say very clearly that you would have been happy to help if you had been asked. That you are sorry that wires got crossed and she must let you know what she needs in future.

I think your DD is out of order to escalate this to other family members. She is very much in the wrong over this.

I had to read your OP twice Annge because I am stunned by the way you're being treated and made to feel.

Having given so much help already, if your daughter needed more then why didn't she simply ask for it? It is not you who has let her down, she's let you down by treating you so badly and garnering 'support' from your son and d.i.l. and it appears attempting to do so, from your wider family.

As rafichagran has posted, it's none of their business and I find it odd that they should take this opportunity situation to cut (you) off completely. Have there been any problems with your relationship with your son and his wife prior to your daughter's outburst?

I would advise against involving any other family members by asking them to speak up for you as this is and should have remained between you and your daughter, and involving other family members usually makes the situation worse, as has been shown with your son and his wife.

I would take some time to try and calm down and if you have a trusted friend you can share this with, who knows you and your children, talk this through with them.

You ask what you can do to repair the relationship but in all honesty as you're not the one who has damaged it, there's very little if anything you can do.

You raised your children and now it's up to your children to raise their own. So what if you take holidays!!! Your life is your own and has no bearing on your willingness and ability to help out with your GC.

In your place I would say and do nothing for the time being and when ready I would write to her, not unkindly, but telling her how she has made you feel because you are not a rubbish mum/gran, have not and never would let her down. That you are sorry and confused in equal measure that she feels this way, that you love her and the children and as much as you miss them, you wont be treated in this way.

Shame on your son and his wife, and shame on any of your family if they have listened to her tale of woe and not spoken up for you at the time, which is what they should have done.

This is I think, is a pivotal time in your relationship. Your daughter needs to accept the limitations that your health has when it comes to helping with the children. If she doesn't and you try to maintain the relationship on her terms, by being at her beck and call despite the detrimental affect on your health, there may come a time when you can't do anything at all and if this is what your relationship depends on, what will happen then?

I'm so sorry that you are going through this as being estranged from our youngest son and only GC for 13.5 years I know how painful this is so even though you don't want me too, I do feel sorry for you because I feel sorry for any parent who has cruel and entitled children.

x

My Mum always used to say to me, you decided to have children - you will have to look after them and reading this I feel the same about your daughter. Grandparents have no moral obligation to offer free childcare or cleaning. It's great if you can offer help but lots of people can't and it's okay to just visit and o 'nice' stuff!

Have your children often made you feel guilty about 'stuff'? I noticed you haven't mentioned their Dad. Was he controlling with you?

jenpax

I am so sorry to hear this and completely relate! I am in an almost identical position with my youngest daughter who chooses to ignore my health problems even going so far as to lie to others eg mum didnt really have cancer shes just being a martyr etc!) any attempt I make to put down boundaries with my time and energy is “selfish” and because I have been petrified of loosing contact with the children I have been flogging myself into the ground. Tomorrow for example she has hired a van to get stuff to the tip and I am supposed to be helping with that 😳

That would be the deal breaker for me....any child of mine who said I hadn't really had cancer ( when I had) ...I woulld walk away from....no going back from that ....thats disgusting behaviour

I am so sorry to hear this and completely relate! I am in an almost identical position with my youngest daughter who chooses to ignore my health problems even going so far as to lie to others eg mum didnt really have cancer shes just being a martyr etc!) any attempt I make to put down boundaries with my time and energy is “selfish” and because I have been petrified of loosing contact with the children I have been flogging myself into the ground. Tomorrow for example she has hired a van to get stuff to the tip and I am supposed to be helping with that 😳

How very sad Annge
that you're being treated like this.
She sounds depressed and tired to me and is lashing out at you because she thinks you can take the lashing.

Truth is you can't at least not while you have your own poor health .

Her partner should be helping her. Have you a DH to support you or friends or family?
As for your DS and DiL - words fail me!
Can you ask DS what's really going on?

I hope when the dust settles DD will realise how she has hurt you and will apologise.
Meanwhile let her alone to stew

To be honest, she sounds quite brutal, and as a result you have had your confidence and self esteem badly knocked. If you looked after your grandson two days a week and also for four days after the second baby was born then you have certainly done your share of childcare. She should be grateful! Especially as you have health issues. I do not think you have let her down as you seem to think. What has happened is that she has made you feel as though you have let her down.

During that period after the birth when she says she wanted your help, where was her husband? Surely the very reason he was off work was to help her.

I realise there are two sides to every story, but if she is ignoring your health issues and bad mouthing you to the rest of the family then that is appalling behaviour. Those are two things which should never happen. She needs to understand that you have feelings too and that your health really is an issue, but only time will teach her that. Can you get one family member on your side to speak up for you?

I'm not sure there is anything you can actively do, as she doesn't seem to have any empathy for you. Is she your only child? If so then maybe step back for a while until she realises she still needs your help. Keep the lines of communication open, but don't chase her. You will come across as needy and you want her to need you. Send texts to say you hope all is well etc. and birthday cards. When you send a card just write in it that you love her and to let you know if she needs anything. In fact a pretty card sent in the post saying just that might tug at her heart strings.