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I've been a rubbish mum/gran

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rafichagran Sun 21-Jun-26 00:24:47

Please dont cry. You have not let her down and she did not ask for help. Over on mumsnet they complain that MIL especially is at the house too much.
I honestly think your son and dil are nasty for taking sides. It's not of their business.
I would try once more to explain to your daughter then let it be. I do think she is a bit entitled especially as she knows of your health conditions.

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MissAdventure Sun 21-Jun-26 00:13:01

It's about time your daughter showed sone empathy.
Parents don't have to become martys when their ADULT children give birth.

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crazyH Sun 21-Jun-26 00:04:18

I had a similar issue , though slightly different circumstances , with my youngest son and his wife.
When my grandson was born 12 years ago, I was roughly your age, going through a very distressing and difficult divorce, working part-time, doing school runs for my daughter’s children etc etc. My son asked me if I would look after the baby at least one day a week, because my d.i.l. wanted to return to work. I just could not help them. I only had one free day for catching up with my chores and I was not willing to give that up.
So, I sat down with them and explained it all. I offered to do baby-sitting, if they wanted to go out for the evening. I don’t think they were too happy, but that was all I could offer. I also felt that they were financially well-off and could afford to employ a child-minder or whatever..
To cut a long story short, they understood,
My d.I.l. did not return to work. Our relationship has not been affected. I babysit when they go out for a meal,
I have retired now and everything is hunky-dory. Just last week I stayed overnight with the boys (they have two now), to allow them to go out for a meal with friends .
You have to be straight with them. Your health is your priority.
I am shocked that the rest of the family are not sympathetic to your situation.
I hope things improve flowers

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Annge Sat 20-Jun-26 23:31:58

Hi all
So my daughter recently had her second baby and I cared for her son while she was in hospital for 4 days, visiting every day with him. When they went home I left them more or less alone as a family unit until my SIL went back to work. I honestly thought that's what they wanted. We did speak on the phone almost daily, and she did say she was struggling with breastfeeding and sleepless nights etc. and seemed really down.

Well, apparently this was her actually asking me to come and help with the baby, her toddler, cooking, cleaning and whatever. I didn't pick up on that.
So a few weeks ago she rounded on me telling me what a rubbish mother and grandmother I am, that I let her down, and that she won't forgive me. She said it's more than just that, and I don't ever show enough interest in my grandchildren and never volunteer to help.

I have to add that although I'm reasonably young (63) I am ill with a number of chronic health conditions which leaves me exhausted most of the time. I tried to explain that but she won't have it because I take holidays etc. so she says I am exaggerating. She's completely back to normal health and activities now btw and not suffering from postnatal depression.

I really don't know where to go from here. On the one hand I know it will really impact my health to do more but the real problem is that I am devastated at having let her down so badly. She's all but ignoring me atm and I'm struggling to cope with the upset. I cried on the phone to her and that was a mistake because she just said I'm feeling sorry for myself and that it's my own fault.
She's shared all this with my DiL who agrees with her, and my son and her have now cut me off completely so I know there must be truth in it, although I minded their son 2 days a week until he started school this year!

I'm trying to step up but it's really taking a toll on my physical health.
She has also shared this tale of woe with my two brothers and her cousins so I'm feeling judged and ashamed everywhere with no one to turn to (except you lovely people). I paint a smile on for her because she won't tolerate me 'feeling sorry for myself' but I'm honestly so depressed and when I go home I spend all my time crying.
I'd really welcome some advice to repair my relationship with them all. I'm not looking for people feeling sorry for me, because I accept that I have obviously let her down very badly (and apparently my ds and dil as well).

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