Nearly a year on and not being able to speak to sister about our brothers passing

I was the POC ..nothing acrimonious - I live a little nearer some 20 miles as to her 120miles so I used to call her after visit with updates .. but since Sis has/had problems with mobile, go thru niece ..

If she is of sound mind and not terminally ill I would answer her questions honestly. How come she doesn't try to contact her brother herself? I would want to be told even if I were dying. Do not believe in deceit and lying, How can you trust a liar? Her family are obviously controlling which is worrying.

Fallingstar

I also fear your sister could find out. I mean other members of the family or a good friend could let it slip and then you are all in your sister’s bad books.
Your great niece wasn’t being very thoughtful when she called you cruel for wanting to tell your own sister. I imagine emotions can run high.
But for your own sanity I think you need to either lance the boil and tell your sister and to heck with what others say, or you step right back and if your sister asks about her brother tell her to ask her daughter as a previous poster suggested and leave it at that. She will smell a fish but at least you won’t be the one being cross examined.
And I actually think stepping back would be much better for your own wellbeing right now. You need time and space to grieve. 💐

Yes, I completely agree.

I’m sorry that you’re in this awful position.
We had a situation many years ago when my late fil found out that his sister had died about 6 months previously. He found out when he bumped into the late sister’s son , asked after his sister and was told she’d died . My fil was so upset. They hadn’t spoken for a while as my fil was busy caring for my mil . And for some reason his sisters dh and ds decided not to tell him .
You need to talk to your niece . Personally I think she should tell her mum .

I would tell your sister.

She hasn't seen him for years, she knows he has cancer, she hasn't heard from decided not to tell her.
him for a year

So honestly. I don't think this news is going to be a shock.
You can say something to her

"Remember our brother was so very ill with cancer? I need to tell you he has gone. He died very peacefully. "

If she asks when, or what about the funeral, you could reply truthfully

"It happened at the end of summer"
"They've had the funeral, very quiet.".

If you are visiting her face to face, why not take some photos of the three of you , and share some memories.

Your neices made a very wrong decision , but you can put it right. You need to do this for both your sakes, hers and yours.

IF it comes out that he died a year ago, just say that the neices made a decision against your wishes, and you are very sad that the news was kept from her.

I also fear your sister could find out. I mean other members of the family or a good friend could let it slip and then you are all in your sister’s bad books.
Your great niece wasn’t being very thoughtful when she called you cruel for wanting to tell your own sister. I imagine emotions can run high.
But for your own sanity I think you need to either lance the boil and tell your sister and to heck with what others say, or you step right back and if your sister asks about her brother tell her to ask her daughter as a previous poster suggested and leave it at that. She will smell a fish but at least you won’t be the one being cross examined.
And I actually think stepping back would be much better for your own wellbeing right now. You need time and space to grieve. 💐

Bea, this is an awful situation for you to be in & I sympathise.
I can only suggest you tell your family members that the next time your sister asks you about your brother, you are going to reply something like this: "I really can't say - you'll have to ask X.... " (insert niece's name, and/or other family members). This is easier said than done, I do appreciate. However it could put the onus on to the family members? Perhaps suggesting this to them, will make them take notice of your problem?

Bea65,

Sorry you are in this situation.
Whoever tells the sister, you are aware of "shoot/kill the messenger" situation, right?

Your sister may not only react to her brother's passing, but to everybody hiding this from her for 1 year +
being excluded +
family thinking what is best for her without taking her input into account

Your sister may find out on her own too - which does not help.

Please take care of yourself first.
This is too much for you - have you thought of looking for professional help?

We live quite a way from each other and unfortunately my last msg exchange was made worse with one of my great nieces telling me it’s ‘cruel’ for me to want to tell her…😳.
I was also told ‘I have to accept the family decision’ so I’m not family now 😥

I was aghast/upset at these comments …yesterday it was our mothers birthday anniversary and I just felt a bit vulnerable and emotional…and didn’t have the energy to connect with them…

What an awful situation to be caught up in Bea. Wouldn't it be better if you're going to tell her, to do so in person rather than over the 'phone?

Bea65

Graphite she doesn’t know…

Yes I should ring her…

Wishing you the best of luck

MT62

If you think she can cope with knowing, then just tell her!
Your own health is suffering because of the guilt you are feeling.

I agree.

🙏 all

Graphite she doesn’t know…

Yes I should ring her…

You are worried about speaking to your sister because you know she will ask about her brother. This really is unacceptable and is unfair of your niece to ask this of you.
It is a bizzare situation, just tell your sister and and dont take the blame for keeping her in the dark! This is not your fault. Your sister may well have heath worries but her daughter is being unfair to her and to you. Tell your sister ASAP , you know it is the correct and only couse of action .

Bea you are in a very difficult situation and I hesitate to offer advice and of course I have no knowledge of the background to this. However whatever the situation is that has caused this, your sister needs to know her brother has died. Your niece is behaving very strangely! The stress of this is causing you great anxiety- not surprisingly so!
You must protect your emotional and mental health and telling your sister is the correct thing to do. Good luck.

If you think she can cope with knowing, then just tell her!
Your own health is suffering because of the guilt you are feeling.

I read the other thread. That's a really hard situation for you to be in.

I don't know what to advise, but I did have a family situation where someone died. My mother chose not to tell an elderly relative since they were old and frail and she didn't think it was necessary to put that on them. When my mother did call them, she said the older relative was distressed because she could tell something was very wrong, but didn't know what. She could just sense something in the background that was very wrong.

I know you'll do what you think is best in this difficult situation. I just shared my experience as something to think about, because sometimes the person on the other end might sense there is something.

Have just read the other thread. Has your sister not asked about your brother, and what about her daughter, your niece, is she still asking you not to mention it??
I feel so sorry for you all, this has caused so much stress and anxiety as well as the grief. 💐

Oh I’m so sorry if I’ve misunderstood? How awful for you both

I saw that you posted about the dilemma a year ago, Are you saying your sister still does not know?

www.gransnet.com/forums/bereavement/a1352157-My-brother-s-Funeral?msgid=31335035#31335035

How sad - you need to be comforting each other - perhaps she is too distraught

How very sad.

May I ask why?

Sending condolences