Regretting Reconciliation

I regretted being forced to reconcile with my mother due to family health issues as she never changed as a person, but I do not regret that I was there when she died. I wasn't going to let her die alone, that's for sure.

It was the feeling of final closure at her death that led me to be able to finally heal from her. It has also given me the freedom of being able to re determine who I am as a person without her influence. I know that may not make sense to most people, but I think you understand me as an EAC that even as adults, having a parent like this effects who we are and who we ultimately end up being well into our adult years as well.

Unfortunately, my healing led me down the path of estrangement from my sister and well because I realized when my mom died the only thing we had in common was a common "enemy" in our mother.

Not sure if this helped or not. It sounds as though you are doing well holding boundaries. That is all you can do from your side.

I will say that even before my mother died, when I was forced to estrange her to protect my children, I set about trying to understand why she was the way she was. There were reasons, but she refused to heal from her reasons. This practice helped me look at her with some empathy at the end, despite the fact that she deserved none. I did it for my peace, not hers.

Beescrete, you reconciled because you sound such a kind person. You should not have to tolerate constant ridicule, belittling and criticism however, sit down with your mother and tell her all your concerns, ask why she treats you as she does, tell her that if it happens again, you will cut the visit short. Then do it, no need to be confrontational.. Limit visits if the behaviour continues, its really up to her to change her ways and not cause you hurt. Like Smileless I have been estranged many years, not a day goes past without me thinking of her. I think I always will and wish she had cared for me as I did her. It has to be both ways though. You have done your best and you have the right to be happy.

Hello Beescrete, I'm so sorry that you are regretting your decision to reconcile with your mum. It does look as if her behaviour that led to the estrangement in the first place hasn't changed which I think, shows how important it is to have an honest conversation to see if reconciliation is a viable option.

Leaving the room when she starts on you is the correct approach. I'm assuming that you don't live with her so ending telephone conversations is another useful tool as is refusing to respond to any unpleasant text messages and/or emails. If she asks why you've ignored them, you can tell her you wont be drawn into conversations of that nature.

Cancelling visits and/or cutting them short is another useful tool as is 'grey rocking' which entails keeping your responses neutral and bland; giving very little if any personal information as possible and not showing any emotions.

You've done what you believed to be the right thing by reconciling due to your mum's health but now may be the time to re think this decision.

You can of course never know how you'll feel when she's no longer here, but having tried to reconcile you may no longer worry about feeling guilty if the reconciliation fails and you estrange again.

I write this not as someone whose had a similar experience but as an EP whose been estranged from our youngest son and only GC for almost 14 years. A healthy relationship cannot have guilt as its only foundation and your relationship with your mum needs to be as 'good' for you, as it is for her.

I wish you well with whatever decision you may make .