Patronising references to being elderly

My 83 year old mum in law referred to a lovely dear old gentleman 'good for his age' apparently, who got talking to her in the out patients department at the local hospital. My husband knew and recognised him when he went to collect his Mum................... the 'lovely dear old gentleman' was seventy five..............

I rather like the idea of being a random old person. I've been a random small child, a random schoolgirl, a random student, a random young parent, middle-aged parent, etc, etc so I think I'm qualified to be random and old.

Those random Boots employees were definitely rude. Perhaps you could speak to the branch manager and suggest better training for shop floor staff.

I was at the counter in Boots, spending disposable income to help pay their wages, and two assistants were having a conversation over the top of my head, i.e. the one serving me and another stacking shelves behind me. The one behind was expressing her astonishment on encountering "just a random group of old people". It annoyed me on several fronts:
*I'm 71 and I am not a random old person.
*The assistant serving me shouldn't hold a conversation with a colleague about anything other than, perhaps, "Fire! Fire!" Their attention should be on me!

Yesterday, someone (a random young person) called me, " Honey". I've never yet (fortunately) been called 'dear' or 'my dear' although I do get blessed from time to time. My karate instructor, who is coming up 65 years old, was offered a seat on the tube by a young woman last Sunday. He was appalled and insulted! 😂

Doodledog It is the unconscious bias, people who just see us as slightly ineffectual in the kindest possible way, and quite unconsciously see us as being slightly more intelligent dogs or cats and resposnd to us much the same way as they would respond to as much loved pet.

It is exactly the same when you get old, the remarks themselves are trivial and can be shrugged off, or they can amuse us, but the attitudes that lie behind these trivial remarks are dangerous to us and our lives, it leaves to our lives being seen as less valuable than others.
Exactly this. And those who tell others that they should 'lighten up' (however that is expressed) are not in a position to know how the remarks are made, the context or the tone of voice, so are being just as dismissive as the people making them. Maybe the reason they don't object is that they think such condescension is acceptable?

OldFrill

Alison333

Forgot to say, it was reported to the hospital's board and apparently action will be taken to prevent it happening again.

Assume DH checked the woman didn't have dementia as it's exactly the sort of story my mother (living with dementia) used to come out with. She was absolutely convincing.

That's a good point, but the Chief Medical Office was with DH and checked the woman's notes. She did not have dementia.

Patronising the elderly is no different from the way men used to patronise women. 'Don't worry your pretty little head', OOh that is much too difficult for girl like you to do'

Also all said and meant in the kidest of manner, but demeaning and diempowering all the same.

Women could not gain respect, while they still had to live and work with the attitudes that lay behind these mild and mindless comments.

It is exactly the same when you get old, the remarks themselves are trivial and can be shrugged off, or they can amuse us, but the attitudes that lie behind these trivial remarks are dangerous to us and our lives, it leaves to our lives being seen as less valuable than others.

Would there have been fewer deaths among the elderly if COVID in that age group had been treated seriously and not just (shrug) inevitable. We know that older people get poorer treatment for heart attacks, strokes and caancer. It takes longer to get tests, they do not offer treatments that are known to be efficacious, or not till much later in the illness.

All these thing rise from a general societal attitude that old people are less intelligent than other people, a drain on society, and just standing around waiting to die.

It is like Chaos theory that shows how the flapping of a butterfly's wing in Indonesia causes the hurricane in the north atlantic.

The very old person, otherwise fit, dying from a minor stroke, because they were not given the same instant treatment that other stroke victims get, starts with the odd patronising remark made to an elderly person by a shop assistant.

You are very kind and forgiving nanna8
I'm sure we all recognise the difference between a kind offer of help, say and when someone deliberately belittles you and treats you like a lesser being.

I think mostly those comments are meant kindly and that is how we should accept them. If they are said in a sarcastic or nasty way - that’s different but I think that would be rare.

Not so much patronising as simply annoying. As in “ …. (do whatever, insert what you wish) for me”. No I’m NOT doing it for you , I am actually doing it for myself.

jocork When DH was in hospital having tests for a mystery illness that was making him seriously ill he kept in touch with DD. Eventually a doctor came in, very pleased with himself, to say that they had decided it was a problem with his parathyroid. "That's what my daughter said" said DH. "How did she know?" asked the doctor. "Because she's studying Biochemistry"

I think I would like it for a couple of times if I came to the UK. Here in Germany shop assistants don't talk to you unless they have to and even then they certainly wouldn't waste their breath on endearments.

Tenko

My late fil used to called women or girls lovey and men and boys mate , but it was because he couldn’t remember peoples names. He didn’t mean it in a derogatory way .

That is why my friend calls everyone 'dear' too. I think she finds it less embarrassing than getting their names wrong all the time. When we worked together we were in a customer facing situation, with the same customers coming back over years. Like me she was good with faces but abysmal with names. I just spent a lot of time apologising.

madeleine45

The only really patronising person I got annoyed with was the arrogant surgeon who before I had even sat down said " yes it is ovarian cancer and you will have about 2 years. We will do (this and that) I glared at him and said you may know a lot about cancer but you dont know about me. so what are the possible side effects of treatment 1 and 2 ? To which he replied " Well you wouldnt understand if I told you" I then asked him if he would like to explain to me in french, german, portuguese or arabic!! He even clicked his fingers at the sister!!! Well I stuck to it had the operation, the chemo etc etc and was pleased to send him a christmas card simply stating still alive, happy christmas for 13 years until he retired!! I know that mirrors no longer show a true version of you these days as I keep seeing a woman with white hair, and rather bent hobbling about. No idea who she is as I am about 26 with long copper coloured hair!! Keeping going is the best way to show them what life can be like. I think stephanie cole in the part of Diana Trent in Waiting for God, owes me loads of royalties as she takes up lots of my ideas!! Of course I do also recommend planting seeds or flowers. As a yorkshire woman I have no idea of snuffing it before I have seen my plants come up!!

What a fabulous post, Madeleine. May you see very many more generations of flowers.

madeleine45

The only really patronising person I got annoyed with was the arrogant surgeon who before I had even sat down said " yes it is ovarian cancer and you will have about 2 years. We will do (this and that) I glared at him and said you may know a lot about cancer but you dont know about me. so what are the possible side effects of treatment 1 and 2 ? To which he replied " Well you wouldnt understand if I told you" I then asked him if he would like to explain to me in french, german, portuguese or arabic!! He even clicked his fingers at the sister!!! Well I stuck to it had the operation, the chemo etc etc and was pleased to send him a christmas card simply stating still alive, happy christmas for 13 years until he retired!! I know that mirrors no longer show a true version of you these days as I keep seeing a woman with white hair, and rather bent hobbling about. No idea who she is as I am about 26 with long copper coloured hair!! Keeping going is the best way to show them what life can be like. I think stephanie cole in the part of Diana Trent in Waiting for God, owes me loads of royalties as she takes up lots of my ideas!! Of course I do also recommend planting seeds or flowers. As a yorkshire woman I have no idea of snuffing it before I have seen my plants come up!!

Doctors can be the worst for being patronising, although it may be reasonable to assume their patients don't have a lot of medical knowledge. However I once went to my mother's doctor with an ear problem and the he went to great lengths to explain why he prescribed a nasal spray for an ear problem. After the explanation he asked me what I was studying at uni - I was a student at the time - and when I said 'Applied Biology' he said "Oh no! You let me explain all that when you already knew." It just seemed rude to interrupt! I'd rather they made the effort to explain things in layman's terms, even if I don't need it, than what you experienced which is truly patronising. If they try to explain and it is too complex you can always say you don't understand fully but thanks for trying.

I glanced at the BBC programme ‘Morning Live’ last week. They showed their usual exercise session taking place in a sheltered accommodation setting. Every time the camera showed the residents the female presenter said “Awwwwww”! After what must have been the tenth time I was pretty annoyed. It was so patronising!!!

My late fil used to called women or girls lovey and men and boys mate , but it was because he couldn’t remember peoples names. He didn’t mean it in a derogatory way .

My DD uses Aw Bless but referring to people of any age, not necessarily elderly. I'm not keen on it as it usually seems to imply they did something a bit gormless, though not always.
I'm approaching 70 and people often express surprise that I'm retired though I think I look pretty ancient. I struggle with some aspects of technology but when struggling I ask for help saying I'm technologically inept and blame it on being old. Then I can surprise them by 'getting it' fairly quickly.

The only really patronising person I got annoyed with was the arrogant surgeon who before I had even sat down said " yes it is ovarian cancer and you will have about 2 years. We will do (this and that) I glared at him and said you may know a lot about cancer but you dont know about me. so what are the possible side effects of treatment 1 and 2 ? To which he replied " Well you wouldnt understand if I told you" I then asked him if he would like to explain to me in french, german, portuguese or arabic!! He even clicked his fingers at the sister!!! Well I stuck to it had the operation, the chemo etc etc and was pleased to send him a christmas card simply stating still alive, happy christmas for 13 years until he retired!! I know that mirrors no longer show a true version of you these days as I keep seeing a woman with white hair, and rather bent hobbling about. No idea who she is as I am about 26 with long copper coloured hair!! Keeping going is the best way to show them what life can be like. I think stephanie cole in the part of Diana Trent in Waiting for God, owes me loads of royalties as she takes up lots of my ideas!! Of course I do also recommend planting seeds or flowers. As a yorkshire woman I have no idea of snuffing it before I have seen my plants come up!!

Alison333

Forgot to say, it was reported to the hospital's board and apparently action will be taken to prevent it happening again.

Assume DH checked the woman didn't have dementia as it's exactly the sort of story my mother (living with dementia) used to come out with. She was absolutely convincing.

As Mae West said “as long as you don’t call me late for breakfast” 😉

Radiographer was lucky not to have been bitten😡

Forgot to say, it was reported to the hospital's board and apparently action will be taken to prevent it happening again.

My DH works as a non-executive director in a hospital trust. He was on a routine ward visit when the patients were asked if they had anything they wanted to say to the Hospital Board.

One woman in her eighties told him about her extremely annoying experience when having an X-ray. The radiographer asked her if she was wearing false teeth etc and when the woman said 'no', she actually stuck her hand in her mouth to check! This radiographer just assumed that anybody of that woman's age must have dementia!

AreWeThereYet

^My headlights are still working even if the chassis is falling to bits.^

Maywalk 🤣🤣🤣 Aw bless ....

Absolutely brilliant!