Patronising references to being elderly

I would love to know whether similar phrases exist in other languages - they don't in Danish, nor do people comment upon ones age, although unlike in the UK it is not considered rude to ask adults how old they are.

What annoys me right now, are the people who assume I must be scared living in a house by myself or helpless in other ways because DH died recently.

My generation of women is that of women's lib, career women and independent women. Yes, some of us married and had good marriages, but that did not automatically turn us into scaredy-cats!

I thought it was mostly older people that called me dear, duck or love ( depending on regional differences) - and presumed it was due to my then relative youth- just as my grandparents would call me dear. It still happens now - but now I tend to be the older one. It is usually kindly meant.
At work I mostly felt valued ( NHS) for my experience but perhaps I was lucky in working in a team with a wide range of experiences and ages- we supported each other. IT was never my strong point.
Now I am retired - I am aware of some occasional belittling. I did get a bit worried when I went to collect my disabled sons car ( we drive him) and the first thing the sales lady did at hand over was tell me to sync the car to my phone! I worried the car would only work if the phone was linked!

Some terms are cultural and affectionate but some are just downright patronising especially 'dear'. Don't like 'lovely' but It doesn't seem ageist.

I hate hate hate being addressed as "lovely". I don't mind "my love" or even "my dear". But when someone says "hello, lovely" I could strangle them.

Germanshepherdsmum

I’m older than you OP and frankly I couldn’t care less what people say so long as they’re polite. I have never, ever, felt patronised. Lighten up and don’t sweat the small stuff - there are far more important things to get stressed about.

Couldn’t agree more. Who cares, especially if people are trying to be nice. Often no offence intended, but much taken. 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

What was your response, kirkcubbin? And why do you think he or she made that offer?

The dentist offered to walk me down the stairs this morning!

I don't mind what people call me as long it is friendly.
I say pet but my GC look at me askance .
The Geordie one I will always remember is Hinny. Moving there I went into a shop to order something and was asked for my name Hinny. I replied "Oh it's ......not Ginny", I had misheard and had the shop in an uproar.
The men in particular where I come from call each other Marra or Assa Marra.
My aunt from the midlands always called us Me Duck when she arrived but soon changed back to pet.

That's the crux of it, isn't it, Gin. Of course not all young people are condescending, and nor is the use of dialect or colloquial terms of address; but when expressions are only used to older people, and when they are used in a condescending tone, they can be perceived as patronising.

The acid test is that if whatever is being said would be said in the same words and tone to a 30 year old as to an 80 year old, then it's fine. If the vocabulary or tone is different then the speaker should maybe question why.

I am pretty ancient but it was not until I started using a walking stick that people started speaking to me in as if I were five. ‘Are you all right dear?’ ‘ Do you need any help?’ I am not very tall so bending down to address me adds to my humiliation. I know it is kindly meant but I do not appreciate the tone, sort of sweetly soft. Said in a brisk manner it would not annoy me.

I don't know I find some of the efforts of young people very kind and thoughtful. I've developed a bit of a fear of that gap between the train and the platform. I know it is completely irrational, but I have to psych myself up before stepping over it. I'm enormously grateful to the young men and women who have offered me their hand or stood back and waited whilst I made the step. They were not patronising they were helpful.
As was the rather lovely Spanish man in his fifties who realised I'd got stuck when a pavement suddenly became very high and I couldn't cross the road. He came over and helped me to step down. It saved me having to walk back to a lower spot.

As for names I'm from Yorkshire where everyone is "Luv" and I live on Tyneside where everyone is "pet" or "hinny" or sometimes "man" regardless of age (or sex)

I personally think that these terms are meant in a nice way and should be taken as such. I call people 'my love' - it's meant in a nice way. There are enough horrible mean people in the world. I am not one of them. Please don't take offence when someone says things like this: it's meant kindly.

I cannot abide being called “love” and “dear” by anyone (other than DH) but especially by men. If they do it I always respond by calling them “sweetie”…it normally makes them stop!

Oh golly I'm guilty of calling people of any age " my lovely" : sorry...

All of these expressions are much better than rudeness or being ignored.

Charleygirl5 - I expect large numbers of people the person rings do forget. So they automatially check for pen and paper before starting the call. People's forgetting the name probably complicates things.

I'm 58 and seem more and more to be addressed as sweetheart. I think it's the walking stick I use.

I'm happy to have endearment, although it's rarer these days. I do feel irked when one of my grandchildren talks to me as though I'm simple, though 🥴

Absolutely agree, I hate, loathe and detest being called 'my dear' - it's so damn patronising. I sometimes respond with 'Do I have antlers on my head?' (hey, I do know it's a different spelling), or just ask them to use my name. I also hate being referred to as elderly - I'm older, not elderly, with all its disparaging connotations. I'm only 75, not at death's door and still an active member of society. Even if I wasn't, stop patronising me!

I'm 75 and have started to notice a patronising attitude towards me. It does irritate if I bother to dwell on it. As for larte or latte, I live in N Yorkshire and even those with quite noticeable northern accents say larte for some weird reason. I ask for a cafe latte and get some odd looks.

We have an American friend . He's in his 70s fought in the Vietnam war,as strong as an ox drives a big truck and a jeep. He went to the hardware store to buy an axe for ,as he puts it," working in the yard" . The young man who served him said " what can I get you old timer?" The response was unprintable and resulted in a very embarrassed sales assistant.

Has anybody else noticed that there was no time at all between being called 'dear' because you were just a slip of a girl and being called 'dear' because you are 'getting on a bit'?

People are more inclined to say 'Aw, bless!' when I show them a photo of my toddler DGD than when I admit to being 83, but it does seem to apply to both ends of the age scale.

The other day, in just one small transaction, I was called “my lovely”, told “aw bless” and “bless your heart”. This was in quite a posh shop too.

I call my granddaughter sweetheart because that is exactly what she is.