Patronising references to being elderly

Dcba

Why are so many Gransnet people sensitive to a kind word …..does this mean they don’t like to be confronted with the possibility that in the eyes of someone else they are ageing ….or even aged! Be a little more open minded …..even if you know you are fit and healthy for your age and have very few wrinkles your attitude will give you age away!

I repeat - 'so many Gransnet people' are not sensitive to a kind word (other than to appreciate it). They are saying that when they are spoken to in a patronising manner they don't like it. How is that so difficult to understand?

There is a huge difference between a kind word and the same word used in a pejorative or condescending manner, and I assume that the majority of people can tell the difference and react accordingly. Not everyone feels the same about pretty much anything, so the fact that person A is annoyed by something that person B is not does not make either of them wrong, over-sensitive, looking to take offence or any other put-down. It makes them different.

As to the question of whether not liking being patronised means that people don't want to be confronted with the reality of ageing, again, that may be true of some and not of others.

Many people like to think that they look younger than they do. I think that's probably natural, and in no way 'closed-minded' (delusional maybe but so what?) Why would anyone deliberately point out that someone is actually closer to death than they care to acknowledge? Just what is the point? The reality won't change however polite or unkind people choose to be. It's not about being 'given away', either. What difference does it make if someone is 40, 60 or 90 when it comes to accepting them as individual people with their own personalities, tastes and preferences? IMO it is far more closed-minded to make stereotypical assumptions based on age.

Whew……that’s a lengthy response - but the core of the issue seems to centre around the word ‘‘patronize’. Maybe those kinds of patronizing words don’t really register with me words…….or maybe no one ever tries it on with me! Best to let it go…….

Maywalk 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Patronize.

I get it at work most days, you offer to help a customer pack shopping and the customer (always female) replies a terse “I can manage perfectly well thank you”. Rude customers are all part of the job.

Mojack26

Totally agree with you. Im 68 and like you don't look anywhere near my age and not 1 wrinkle,good genes! Had to get antibiotics and nurse practioner,around my daughter's age, said 'given your age, we better err on caution!' I would have said something but had lost my voice..and she only knew my age as my dob obviously on my notes! Could have punched her! It's also the patronising attitude...grr

That's not patronising - it's taking the age you actual are and how it effects what your body needs from a medical point of view. A simple reality.

It doesn't matter how you look, or how you perceive you look. That's irrelevant. What matters is that your body is slowly wearing down. Oestrogen, and the growing lack of it, affect the reproductive tract, the urinary tract, the heart and blood vessels, bones, breasts, skin, hair, mucous membranes, pelvic muscles - and the brain! This can cause the need for lower doses, higher doses, protective medication, supplementary medication, etc. Medically, reality matters.

You can do all sorts of things to counter your body aging and enabling living well, but you only think of your face! Taking unnecessary offence at someone trying to help you is ... well, shall we say counterproductive.

It seems to me that we may all be getting older but some seem yet to grow up. Most people don't intend to offend and surely there are better things to do in life than take the view they are being deliberately offensive all the time?

Mojack26

Totally agree with you. Im 68 and like you don't look anywhere near my age and not 1 wrinkle,good genes! Had to get antibiotics and nurse practioner,around my daughter's age, said 'given your age, we better err on caution!' I would have said something but had lost my voice..and she only knew my age as my dob obviously on my notes! Could have punched her! It's also the patronising attitude...grr

What, pray, is wrong with being known to be 68? As for even thinking about punching a nurse practitioner...... disgraceful!!

Having no wrinkles doesn't mean that your bones/ immune system/ organs aren't 68 Mojack. The delightful physiotherapist I am seeing comments , flatteringly, that I don't look 71. However, we are in agreement that my hips and knees are seventy one and showing some seventy one years of wear and tear.

Mojack26

Totally agree with you. Im 68 and like you don't look anywhere near my age and not 1 wrinkle,good genes! Had to get antibiotics and nurse practioner,around my daughter's age, said 'given your age, we better err on caution!' I would have said something but had lost my voice..and she only knew my age as my dob obviously on my notes! Could have punched her! It's also the patronising attitude...grr

... you could have punched her? Good grief.

As far as the medical profession are concerned, once you reach 65 you are - medically speaking - "at risk". They have guidelines to follow, the nurse practitioner was not patronising you, she was doing her job.

Of course, you may be well and healthy - and not look your age - but that is beside the point. I think you need to have a word with your ego.

I agree with the last 4 posts.

We can't possibly assume that the majority of people can tell the difference and react accordingly. , Doodledog. We have no idea.

However, most reasonably sized communities seem to contain a fair few with chips proudly on show on their shoulders. There is no reason I can see, why this community shouldn't have its fair share of similarly minded people. I would go as far as to say we have seen examples on this thread.

Well, I could reply by pointing out that 'in my experience' most people are capable of understanding the difference between a put down and a kindly comment, which would be true, but my experience would be no closer to proof than those who claim that because nobody has dared to patronise them then it doesn't happen, would it?

So we'll have to agree to differ - as I have said all along, people are all different, and there is no right or wrong way to react.

Dickens

Mojack26

Totally agree with you. Im 68 and like you don't look anywhere near my age and not 1 wrinkle,good genes! Had to get antibiotics and nurse practioner,around my daughter's age, said 'given your age, we better err on caution!' I would have said something but had lost my voice..and she only knew my age as my dob obviously on my notes! Could have punched her! It's also the patronising attitude...grr

... you could have punched her? Good grief.

As far as the medical profession are concerned, once you reach 65 you are - medically speaking - "at risk". They have guidelines to follow, the nurse practitioner was not patronising you, she was doing her job.

Of course, you may be well and healthy - and not look your age - but that is beside the point. I think you need to have a word with your ego.

I also think you should be grateful that firstly, you managed to see a practitioner and secondly, the practitioner was actually trying to help.

I am of the same age and am aware, that as we get older, our immune systems are not as robust as they were. I will take all the help I can get to stay well..

... but my experience would be no closer to proof than those who claim that because nobody has dared to patronise them then it doesn't happen, would it?

True. But I didn't say that, did I. That's the whole point, surely. We have just the same cross section of extreme and rationalised views as any community of a similar size and demography.

Those who perceive extremes in others words or actions will use traditions, long held values, and emotions as motivators for forming those views. Those who rationalise will avoid appropriating guilt or shame and generally enable the maintenance of self-respect.

Some will always aim for a middle, reasoned way and others are so happy with their extreme they feel offended if their view is not shared. That is the sad part of a conversation like this. People set themselves up to be offended, often when no offence was intended.

My post above was in answer to Doodledog (Sat 30-Dec-23 20:44:18)

But again, there is so much judgement in what you are saying. Is the point where you sit on the spectrum you describe the ‘middle, reasoned way’, by any chance? .

I don’t think I have been referred to as elderly or ‘a Gran’ or anything similar (I’m 64 and still working part-time) but I am perfectly able to believe that when people say they have been patronised they were. I am not jumping to the conclusion that they are over-reacting and need to calm down, or any of the other dismissive ways that women are often treated. There are women who enjoy being whistled at in the street as it makes them feel good. Does that mean that those who feel objectified by it are looking for offence? I don’t think so, but that’s because I recognise that this is not about absolutes. It’s similar to senses of humour. Not laughing at a particular joke that you (or anyone else) thinks is hilarious doesn’t make them humourless - it just means they find other things funny.

Anyway, I have tried to explain this many times now, and can’t say it any clearer. Argue as much as you like - but I am on the point of the ‘arguing for the sake of it’ spectrum that opts out when she has had enough .

Why get upset about someone being kind? . To a youngster, however good we look for our age and I think I do, to them we are old, that doesn't mean they look down on us. I'm afraid if I forget some ones name, perhaps I've only seen them once or twice, rather than ask their name again I do use a term of endearment. I know who I am that's the main thing.

I agree, Allsorts.
It isn’t the kindnesses - seat on the train, shopping packed/carried for me; I always accept gracefully as I realise it is kindly meant - it’s the delib patronising that I object to. The “you’re looking good for your age”, the assumption that I am gaga/uneducated/deaf… which get to me. Grrr

I enjoy being treated as 'an old dear'. I recently bought one of those 4-wheeled shopping trollies. People seem to think it's a walking aid and traffic stops so I can cross the road, people open doors with a smile.
One thing that does annoy me is when I go in the bank to withdraw money. There is always an assistant hovering over me as though I have no idea what to do.

Maybe they're hovering over you to keep you safe from the grab type thieves?

You do seem to be saying that because someone feels offended, you need to accept, as a fact, that giving offence was intended "Doodledog".

But this is not always the case. It is kind to recognise the hurt a friend has felt because they took offence. But is it kind to support their feeling that offence was actually and deliberately given?

One of the problems with the internet is that we are not friends; we are a discussion group. We have already seen that enabling someone in their view that they were in any way offered offence has led to them suggesting violence was the answer. Who does that help? How far should support for any reaction to feeling offended go? We have seen how far it can go in the murder of Jo Cox and the attacks on mosques and synagogues, etc.

Just because some feel offended does not mean offence was given.

I feel sad they feel hurt. However, a friend would do better by helping them understand why they felt this hurt and why they find it hard to handle the emotions a comment has created. Enabling the sense that offence was intentional may make you feel good, but I cant see how it helps the person feeling hurt.

Curtaintwitcher

I enjoy being treated as 'an old dear'. I recently bought one of those 4-wheeled shopping trollies. People seem to think it's a walking aid and traffic stops so I can cross the road, people open doors with a smile.
One thing that does annoy me is when I go in the bank to withdraw money. There is always an assistant hovering over me as though I have no idea what to do.

Why does this you "annoy" you Curtaintwitcher? That's a strong response to someone just doing their job.

Louella12

Maybe they're hovering over you to keep you safe from the grab type thieves?

I wish someone had been hovering over my friend when he withdrew £2,000 at the counter. It was snatched from his hand before he had time to put it in his pocket.

Good post, DAR. Just so.

It doesn't follow from feeling offended that offence was given or, to put it another way, offence is often taken more than it is given.

I didn't take offence when I was 38 and people thought I was 28. Why should I take offence at 68 if people think I "look good for my age". Please take note of the word IF in that sentence 🤣

My Mum picked up “lovey” from her local church. The day she said it to me I nearly bit her head off! I’ve never heard anything so patronising. Another hate is “hun”. I cringe and instantly fall out with you and you’ll never know why.

Sigh. No, I am not saying anything of the sort. Let me try one more time, but please don’t keep telling me what I think - try reading my posts. It’s like being cross-examined sometimes.

There are those who think that calling someone a ‘darkie’ or ‘coloured’ is not offensive. Similarly there are those who happily call people fat, or ugly or stupid, in both cases claiming that they are simply ‘saying it how it is’. There are those on the receiving of such comments who may not mind, which is their prerogative, but others do, which is theirs. In my opinion (to which I am entitled, I believe?) the intention of somebody using language like that is not enough to make it acceptable, in fact someone using it at work is likely to be disciplined. The onus is on us to use language that is not likely to offend. Yes, if I dare say it, most people (of my acquaintance at least) will filter what they hear and understand that there are those without the education or social skills to understand that words can hurt. Not everyone is as robust, however, as we are all different, and it is neither right nor wrong to be upset.