Gossip from around my way...

Well, I woke up to find all of my light bulbs had been pinched.

The police asked me, but I'm totally in the dark as to who might have done it.

I'll tell you something.. I'm never going to date another personal trainer.

That last one really gave me the runaround.

My Ex is a bus driver, he has taken me for a ride

This a true story!!

My ex was a toy boy

He complained I wound him up

My pony has a sore throat

He sounds a little hoarse

I went round to my friend's house, and her newspapers were out on the doorstep.
As I watched, before my very eyes, one of them levitated.

She must live in the House Of The Rising Sun.

I have read that scientistists have cloned humans one has moved down our way.
He was very rude swearing abd shouting at a neighbour.
A fight ensued and the clone was seen to fall to the floor.
Man has been arrested for making an obscene clone fall.

Oh ho! Very good!
More complicated ones now, is it?

My friend was very cross when she went to her doctors about her incontinence.

He was so rude! Told her she could learn to live with a piddling little problem like that.

My neighbour who invented Autocorrect has died.

The funfair is next Monkey

I’ve just realised that becoming a vegetarian was a big missed steak

My daughter came home from school upset because her teacher had told her off for not knowing the meaning of the word ‘apocalypse’

I gave her a hug, told her not to worry, after all, it’s not the end of the world!

I went to get something from the paper shop.

But it had blown away.

Aunty Ann took up ballet, but struggled with it, frankly.

When her teacher asked her to do a pirouette, she turned around and said "no."

A bloke in our local pub asked the lovely blonde barmaid for a "double entendre"
So she gave him one.

I nearly got run over by a khaki coloured armoured vehicle, driven by what looked like a trout, last week.

It was obviously a fish tank.

My cousin wrote a song about instant potato, and it got to number 1!

It was a Smash hit.

My neighbour always takes a trunk on holiday with her.

She and the elephant are very attached.

My neighbour wears such short skirts she shows her knickers when she bends over.

Except when she’s with her husband Nicholas ?

Our local chemist has started to stock feminist products now.
I thought I'd give them a try, so I bought a tube of pink, smelly ointment.

Its called Germolene Greer.

To the thief who stole my anti depressants

I hope you’re happy.

Well, Sandra certainly wasn't happy about finding herself on the moving conveyer belt at the fish processing factory.

In fact, she was gutted.