Gossip from around my way...

The butcher should be arrested. His sausage is always in his window.

Her upstairs went out for a date with a rich man, expecting a day in his swimming pool.

When she arrived, they smoked cannabis, then he suddenly made her home home.

He left her high and dry.

Husband just through a box of Weetabix at a spider.

does that make him a cereal killer ?.

There's a report of a big hole in our road.

The police are looking into it.

That woman from number 32 always says she only dates famous men. The latest, apparently, is Richard Wilson.

I don't believe it!!

I was helping my friends to renovate their house, when I told them I wasn’t a qualified Electrician, they were shocked

Sally was asked by a hunky fireman on a date

Pole dancing would you believe!

My DD was engaged to a man with a wooden leg

Sadly he broke it off

The horse in the field next to our house is called Mayo

Sometimes Mayo neighs

That orthopaedic surgeon was dismissed because his waiting list was unacceptably long.

Bone idle if you ask me.

Our dentist is starting a garden centre

Because he likes in plants!!!

That young lad in the bakery had to leave.

He’d put a bun in the oven.

Fishmonger

Fisherman got shut down. Scales were dodgy.

The local men are starting a knitting group. Their wives are in stitches.

My neighbour Alice popped round yesterday for a coffee.

She complained that my house was cold so I told her to stand in the corner where it's 90 degrees.

Teehee.

My neighbour has a pet tree. I asked "Why not a dog?" She said "The bark is quieter".

The beauty salon down the road is going to start doing botox injections.

That'll raise a few eyebrows.

Remember the violinst from our local orchestra? They've got a new man in to do their finances and told him its "too much for him".

Personally, I think he was on the fiddle.

Did you know the yoga instructors husband has been seeing some else?

She is furious. Well, she has bent over backwards for that man.

Nobody knows except you, but I'm actually a qualified hairdresser.

I'll do yours if you want, but keep it under your hat.

My step ladder is in the shed

I never knew my real ladder

Great aunt Hilda had a shock when someone broke in and stole her prosthetic limb.

They just legged it.

I’ve been told I’m condescending

( that means I talk down to people )

The swine flu helpline is just as bad.
I phoned that, and all I got was crackling.