New Limerick

I allow her to cut up my meat
Without that I really can’t eat
I've broken my arm
So I turn on the charm

I allow her to cut up my meat
Without that I really can’t eat
I've broken my arm
So I turn on the charm
And Mom thinks I'm actually sweet

What is the next holiday?

What is the next holiday?
"The one they call Spring Bank", I'd say

What is the next holiday
The one they call Spring Bank I’d say
It’s a long weekend

What is the next holiday
The one they call Spring Bank I’d say
It’s a long weekend
More chances to spend

What is the next holiday
The one they call Spring Bank I’d say
It’s a long weekend
More chances to spend
Maybe we can all getaway

My dog is really quite hip

My dog is really quite hip
He has a gold ring on his lip

My dog is really quite hip
He has a gold ring on his lip
That is so cruel

My dog is really quite hip
He has a gold ring on his lip
That is so cruel
But he thinks it’s cool

My dog is really quite hip
He has a gold ring on his lip
That is so cruel
But he thinks it’s cool
And his owner sounds like a real pip

One day, while crossing the road,

One day, while crossing the road
Nearly forgot the Green Cross Code

One day, while crossing the road
Nearly forgot the Green Cross Code
What is that, pray tell?

One day, while crossing the road
Nearly forgot the Green Cross Code
What is that, pray tell?
I heard a loud yell

One day while crossing the road
Nearly forgot the Green Cross Code
What is that pray tell
I heard a loud yell
Look both ways and do as your told

There was an old man with a beard

There was an old man with a beard
A local yob saw him and jeered

There was an old man with a beard
A local yob saw him and jeered
“What’s so funny?” he asked

There was an old man with a beard
A local yob saw him and jeered
"What's so funny?" he asked
And pulled on a mask

There was an old man with a beard
A local yob saw him and jeered
"What's so funny?" he asked
And pulled on a mask
Gave chase with his stick - we all cheered!

Yob was so scared that he left town

Yob was so scared that he left town
He joined the circus, as a clown

Yob was so scared that he left town
He joined the circus, as a clown
We’ve heard no more

Yob was so scared that he left town
He joined the circus, as a clown
We’ve heard no more,
He was such a bore,

Yob was so scared that he left town
He joined the circus, as a clown
We’ve heard no more,
He was such a bore,
Someone told me he’d had a breakdown

I spent the whole day on the beach

I spent the whole day on the beach
Good book and some wine within reach

I spent the whole day on the beach
Good book and some wine within reach,
I paddled a bit

I spent the whole day on the beach
Good book and some wine within reach,
I paddled a bit
Didn’t swim (not that fit)