Beyond a joke

Do you mean that situations like this crop up a fair bit, and you can't see them coming?

My view is that your DW should have said clearly what she wanted but, if she usually doesn't do that, it will have to be up to you to ask.

In the OP you don't mention anything being said after the 'quarter to 12' remark and before going into Lidl. It was a chance for you to ask what your DW would prefer.

Could you try to foresee this kind of thing and ask your DW, in advance, what she would like to do?

Best thing to do now? Apologise. It won't hurt you and might avoid the 3 or 4 days of not talking.

I have a hoist fitted to my car that I can operate one handed unaided. It lifts my big scooter in and out in one piece.

Lefthanded I get this lack of communication all the time from Mr Moser who appears to exist in a parallel universe. I can rarely get a sensible direct answer to any question. He talks like a cryptic crossword.

I shop separately as much as I can.

roseq

Lefthanded an apology now will certainly avoid the prolonged non-talking. And then, after a few days when things have calmed down, you should sit down with your DW and talk to her, explain how bewildered you felt and how you wish she could simply say what she wants instead of expecting you to somehow intuit her wishes. Tell her why you chose to visit Lidl first, according to the logic that you explained very clearly for our benefit in your OP.

I really do think that an apology without this conversation a few days later will achieve little; she will continue to think you're being deliberately obtuse and you will continue to be frustrated by her apparent belief that you should be able to read her mind!

Noting that you also seem to have expected her to read your mind about the right-turns. Some people think ahead about that sort of thing, others don't.

The shopping to her was the bad part, the coffee the treat. Coffee gives you the energy to face the rest - and quarter to twelve is perfect as you then slot in before everyone wants lunch. Her logic is different from yours, is all. I sympathise with both of you, I have to be very precise with DBH when I want to do something. Intuition is not his strong point.

Does this sort of thing happen often? Maybe it's her frustration at having to rely on you so much, coming out. You both need to sit down and talk about it sensibly, not have a sulky silence instead. I don't know how often you both get out of the house, but if she doesn't get out much, I suspect a coffee out was an anticipated treat.

Thanks for all the useful suggestions. It's good to know that we are not alone in this respect.

Fortunately I had the chance of a couple of days work. I gave up full-time work in 2008, but I still do odd jobs when I get the chance. This has given me good reason to be out of the house, and thus given us both chance to cool off (and the income will help to take us on holiday too!).

So peace reigns again. Until the next time............

So have you had a chat with your wife or are you just going to leave it?

Thought of you, lefthanded - hope this brings a smile. I read it to my DH and said, "Ha, this is us!"
www.boredpanda.com/honest-love-card-4/

Pompa lefthanded
Mrs P's mind is still a wonder to me on occasions. Is this not the mystery of a woman's intellect, which is why we love them.

I suspect mens "problem of understanding a woman's mind" lies in many men's inability to think of anything outside their own experience or point of view. Therefore women get fed up at having to explain everything over and over again.

I found a book called (I think) "That's not what I meant" by Deborah Tannen very interesting - and sometimes quite amusing. She described how different communication styles can lead to misunderstandings and difficulties in relationships.

From what I recall, she said that our communication style often originates from our families. Some families are very frank and forthright and say exactly what they mean and what they want, whereas other families are more indirect - uncomfortable voicing opinions or saying exactly what they want. For instance, if I ask my mum what drink she would like, she would say "What are you having?". Or if she would like to go out, she would say "It's a beautiful day" and look wistfully out of the window. I suspect that I sometimes communicate in the same way myself.

Women are often expected to be more amenable than men and if they stray from this stereotype they are called "bossy", "demanding", etc., etc. So perhaps they have subconsciously learned to use more indirect ways of suggesting what they want.

I also think *Ash Tree" is right. You should have a conversation about what happened.

I admit I have been having the same problem with my husband lately - he seems to think I can read his mind. He will suddenly start talking about something and I have no idea what he is on about! He assumes I have been in his head and subject to his thought processes for the past half hour. In addition he often fails to communicate properly causing misunderstandings galore which leads to arguments. I think it is just laziness. His mother was just the same.

Another thing which annoys me is we will discuss something and decide we will do a). Then suddenly out of the blue he does b), having changed his mind but failing to inform me.

We once had a stand up row in the middle of an electronics shop in Singapore I had taken a lot of trouble to find and which we had walked to in the heat and humidity because he told me he wanted to buy a digital radio. When we get there he starts looking at cameras because "I wanted to buy a new camera' in spite of the fact that I had told him I wanted to do some research on it first. I said I thought he wanted to buy a digital radio and he said, oh I am not really bothered!!!

The problem I have is Mrs P starting a conversation which I am quite happily following. THEN, mid sentence, she will change to a totally different subject, which by the time I realise the change I have lost the plot. Souns familiar guys ("guys" in the male sense here)

I agree with what others say, women often take a more indirect approach. we have been married for 45 years and I can honestly say that it's only in the last ten years or so that I have started saying direct things to DH.We go out a lot together, shopping, outings etc. and it has made life a lot better that we are both honest and direct, not doing ' well what would YOU prefer' thing.Men are usually direct anyway, but we women have to learn to be as well particularly when we are retired and together so much.Your wife wanted the shopping out of the way, then a coffee/cake relax bit afterwards.Have an honest and open chat with her about being direct, it's not selfish, it leads to a better way of life. we really enjoy our retirement time together.

Dear lefthanded it's quite simple. You wanted to go to LIdl first (the complicated details about reversing and the car park were just excuses), she picked up this in the non-verbal signals you were giving out, which is what women do. She didn't want to cause a fuss so just went along with it, but she needed coffee. By the time you had finished shopping she was really suffering from caffeine deprivation and you got the backlash. You need to start picking up on subtext when a woman asks "Shall we do THIS first or THAT?" she wants you to say "THIS"

I think you are both as bad as each other. You wife could have said she wanted coffee first and /or you could have asked when she wanted coffee as it is obviously something you do regularly. All down to communication. As for not speaking for 4 day over something so trivial !!

pompa I do that all the time with my son but he catches on quite fast to the new topic I have switched to.

What I want to know is: Why is it that men love women? (if not for our intellect) I am after sniping no.2 husband and I would like to know more of a man's thinking about what they want in a woman, please help.

Oh My Goodness Rubylady if I tried to answer that, it could open a can of worms that would devour me, (or other GNers would) [Grin]

But live dangerously
I have already been in a lot of trouble saying what first attracted me to Mrs P when I first saw her. (I was 17)

I guess we are now talking mature couples.

I do still like a nice bum. But I guess the first thing I would notice would be her hair, followed by her smile.

Smoking would be a no no (but I am a non smoker)

Clothes are important, but I would find it hard to be specific about what i like.

We would have to have some interests in common that we could share together. But I think it important to have varied separate interests.

Definitely a sense of humour.

Most of important of all the ability to put up with me.

Guess I have just described Mrs P.

But as every man/woman is different this all a load of rubbish.

Just be yourself, that's far the best route.

Aw, thank you pompa that is lovely.

The bum I can do, in spades though unfortunately.

But I can also do a sense of humour, usually, and now I'm a non-smoker too, I have hair, and a smile so good there. And I wear clothes, sometimes. And I am open to new interests although it does depend on what it would be. (Stamp collecting ok, dog fighting not.)

And as a fellow poster, I have the ability to put up with you any day.

Yes, you are right, he will come along when it is right. Thank you.

Well Ruby, wth a CV like that, if Mrs P chucks me out, I might come a courting

rubylady and pompa What a woman wants in a man?

So does Pompa being a man, looks at a woman's bum as his first thought about a woman. Is Pompa being ironic or is that the only way he judges a woman.

Things about Mrs Pompa's personality comes way down his list. Nothing about her personal qualities and skills.

Come on Pompa get Mrs P signed up on here and get her to give her opinion on what she sees in you? What do you think she would highlight as your good points.

Has she even seen your posts? If you are not careful she might go on strike and stopping putting up with you?

Nelliemoser, I should think you know me by now, of course I was being cheeky, not sure about ironic (doesn't that mean I was saying the opposite to what I meant, but my English has never been good).

This was a light hearted exchange between myself and Ruby not to be taken seriously. And if you read carefully, her hair would be the first thing I notice. I said I like a nice bum, not that I notice it first.

Mrs. P knows exactly what I post, she often sits on my shoulder and we discuss some of the posts. Absolutly no secrets between us.

What does she think of me, I dare not ask that question .

But I guess, untidy, lazy, always on the computer (GN), not listening, awful dress sense, would all be high on the list.

There was once an experiment that tracked people's direction of gaze, and where their gaze landed a little red dot of light would appear. The results were very interesting as to where their gaze (both men and women) landed first when entering a roomful of people! The genital area featured prominently. We are after all animals at heart.