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Grandads' shed

Beyond a joke

(56 Posts)
lefthanded Sat 16-May-15 15:32:11

I know that it's a bit of a music-hall joke, Mars and Venus and all that, but honestly this is beginning to get me down. Does anyone understand?

This morning she asked me to take her to two places:
1. Lidl, where we do some of our grocery shopping and
2. The Range where we would "buy some fish food and have a cup of coffee".

As we enter the retail park, both these premises are on the right-hand side of the road. So to go to The Range (which is closer) first involves turning right (across the flow of traffic) into their car-park, then when we leave The Range turning right again across the flow of traffic to go on to Lidl, then turning right into Lidl's car park. Not impossible, but sometimes difficult on a busy Saturday. Going to Lidl's first involves only ONE right turn into Lidl, then a left turn into the flow of traffic to go to The Range, then another left turn out of The Range's car park to go home.

So as we approach The Range she says (and again I quote) "It's a quarter to twelve, are we going to The Range first or Lidl?". So I think "^It's a quarter to twelve, probably too late to have coffee now so it probably doesn't matter what order we do things in - we'll go to Lidl first (following the logic outlined above)^".

Everything goes well. We get our shopping in Lidl, then we get the fish food in The Range, then I say "Are we having coffee now?". And she snaps back "NO! It's too late now! I wanted coffee at quarter-to-twelve but you wouldn't come here first!"

Part of me wants to scream "IF YOU WANTED TO COME HERE FIRST WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO?" But I know that it would be pointless. Apparently I was supposed to infer the need to go to The Range first when she said that it was a quarter-to-twelve! She has decided that I am to blame here and there will be no further discussion. We will spend the next 3 or 4 days only speaking to each other when absolutely necessary.

So Ladies, Gentlemen. Give me some help here please. This isn't a joke anymore. We have been married for 40 years (next week) but we don't seem to be communicating at all now.

aggie Sat 16-May-15 16:01:54

we have been married for nearly 50 years and have had similar misunderstandings . Obviously the main purpose of the outing was the coffee ............. I think smile

janeainsworth Sat 16-May-15 16:05:51

The answer is simple, lefthanded
Don't go shopping together.
This strategy has been very effective for the last 45 years chez Ainsworth.

As to how to mend fences, take her out for a meal which will exceed expectations, and try to remember the girl you married all those years ago ��

thatbags Sat 16-May-15 16:05:56

You can always have coffee at home.

Does she drive? If so, why not let her go by herself and deal with the right turns, then maybe she'd understand.

To be honest, if you are finding each other that irritating, it might be better not to go shopping together.

thatbags Sat 16-May-15 16:06:30

Great minds, jane wink

janeainsworth Sat 16-May-15 16:08:26

Those emojis were supposed to be little pink hearts!

janeainsworth Sat 16-May-15 16:09:00

Bags wink

pompa Sat 16-May-15 16:35:15

The answer is to drop her off, go find a cafe , have a coffee & cake and watch the girls go by, until she is finished, then she can join you. On second thoughts that tack got me into a lot of trouble on another thread grin

What you describe is pretty much par for the course with us as well, I just roll with it.

Charleygirl Sat 16-May-15 16:41:28

Lefthanded I am amazed that after all of those years of marriage that you cannot read her mind, shame on you! I agree with others, let her go by herself, especially if she is a driver.

Mishap Sat 16-May-15 16:42:33

I can definitely see her logic. You failed to pick up the clues - a capital offence in my book!

OH and I never ever ever ever go shopping together.

merlotgran Sat 16-May-15 16:46:17

The merlotgran handbook of How to Survive 40 yrs of bloody mindedness Misunderstandings states quite clearly that she should have said, 'It's quarter to twelve so we'd better go to The Range first because I'm gagging for a coffee and can't face Lidl without one'

Do a 'Basil Fawlty' from now on and keep saying things like, 'Would you like your coffee NOW, dear??' grin

I love The Range and we don't have one anywhere near us so I'm envy

lefthanded Sat 16-May-15 16:58:48

She doesn't drive these days, I'm afraid, but she has done in the past and should understand the right-turn thing. She is disabled and relies on me to assemble her wheelchair when we arrive at our destination and to disassemble it and stow it in the car when we return.

I am her sole carer and while I don't object to doing these jobs (I do all the cooking, cleaning, and everything else as well) I just don't understand why she can't tell me precisely what she wants rather than leaving me to guess.

janeainsworth Sat 16-May-15 17:05:44

Ok this is a serious suggestion lefthanded

Internet shopping is your friend.
If you are reasonably well organised and shop for a whole week or two, you won't get charged for delivery.

Then you can save your outings for nice things like going out for coffee, or visiting a garden. It must be frustrating for your wife not being able to drive and depending on you to take her out.

Up to you to make sure the purpose of the expedition is clear, and there's enough time to do it, before you set off!

hildajenniJ Sat 16-May-15 17:13:38

Have you ever asked her exactly what she wants? I realised long ago that it was no good expecting my OH to understand my way of thinking. I now tell him, even so far as to make out an itinerary, for every outing we take together. I am fortunate that he works in a supermarket, we never have to go grocery shopping together!

Lona Sat 16-May-15 17:17:45

Why don't you just talk to her, quietly and calmly, and tell her how you feel instead of telling us?
If she gets annoyed, just tell her that you aren't psychic and if she doesn't explain what she wants, how are you supposed to know?

NfkDumpling Sat 16-May-15 17:26:05

My DH does the cooking - so he food shops. Makes sense. Does your Best Beloved need to come shopping with you, or is this just a nice little outing? (Careful how you answer this!)

Coolgran65 Sat 16-May-15 17:46:38

What Lona said - except 'do tell us' so we can all pitch in and hopefully you get it off your chest smile

As it has annoyed you.... what I'd do.... """I wonder do you realise how snippy you were with me today when I suggested we get our coffee in the Range? It wasn't very nice and it wasn't fair. I'm not a mind reader. Let's remember to be kind to each other and let's not waste time with hard feelings and not speaking"""

NfkDumpling Sat 16-May-15 17:50:17

Or - as Jane said, shop on line and go for a nice coffee at a nice place with a pretty view. And cake.

AshTree Sat 16-May-15 21:20:00

- Open up your laptop/tablet, whatever you use for Gransnet.
- Bring up this thread.
- Pass laptop/tablet to your OH and tell ask her very nicely to read this thread
- While she is reading it go in the kitchen and prepare her favourite snack/dinner/alcoholic beverage

Simples grin

soontobe Sat 16-May-15 21:20:38

hmm. I can see both sides.
Except I never agree with someone not speaking to another for 3 or 4 days. I think that they do it because they are so annoyed and dont trust themselves to speak. or are largely unable to sort out an argument.

When myself and DH have an argument , it always falls to me to sort it out. I realised a few years after we were married, that that was because DH just does not know how to sort them out. Which is a bit annoying, if he is the one at fault!

rosequartz Sat 16-May-15 21:25:52

For you lefthanded!

You're just no good at mind-reading grin

rosequartz Sat 16-May-15 21:27:37

Oh dear, not 3 or 4 days not speaking I hope.

An hour is long enough.

rosequartz Sat 16-May-15 21:30:07

Or as DH would say:
"Semper in excremento sum, solum profunditas variat"

Hope you are friends again now smile

Mishap Sat 16-May-15 21:51:43

Rose grin

pompa Sat 16-May-15 22:00:58

Lefthanded "I just don't understand" Why on Earth do you expect to UNDERSTAND her ?. After 52 years Mrs P's mind is still a wonder to me on occasions. Is this not the mystery of a woman's intellect, which is why we love them.