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Men suffer from domestic abuse too

(18 Posts)
Elegran Tue 25-Sep-18 18:12:45

Leading on from the thread on why men have an aversion to taking their physical problems to the GP, which was well commented on by posters both male and female, perhaps our male posters have some comments to make on the news article below?
'My abusive wife battered me over letting the cat in'
I have no stories to tell or experiences to recount, so I will just launch the thread and leave it to other posters.

GrannyGravy13 Tue 25-Sep-18 18:19:23

Well done Elegran, there have been a few cases in the media lately, and they do need to be given more "air time".

The man that I saw interviewed, I think it was on This Morning, said he felt ashamed and humiliated to admit to being battered and abused by his female partner.

Day6 Tue 25-Sep-18 18:29:39

I had a colleague who didn't dare get on the wrong side of his wife. She would fly into a rage and hit him. She broke his nose as he was driving by thumping him in the face because he disagreed with her regarding the route. He had the good sense to leave her, eventually. He used to excuse her by saying it was "the time of the month". Silly man. He was ashamed to be in that position.

He is with someone else now, happily remarried and no longer abused.

Elegran Tue 25-Sep-18 18:32:10

The shame echoes the conclusion reached in the "see the doc" thread - that a lot of men feel their pride is bruised by admitting that they are not 100% strong and healthy, and also if they are abused by the "weaker sex". On average, men are larger and more muscular than women, but not in every case, and mental and emotional dominance don't depend on physical superiority.

Women feel ashamed and humiliated at being abused too, of course.

boheminan Tue 25-Sep-18 18:38:09

Years ago one morning my (new) next door neighbours
could be heard clearly having a humdinger row (I live in a terrace). It went on to things audibly being thrown around and the woman screaming. The neighbour the other side of the arguers knocked on my door as she was also concerned for the woman's safety.

When the noise had lessened, we both went and knocked on the door. The husband warily opened it. He was bleeding and in obvious pain, the woman was in the kitchen, unapproachable as she was still angry but unhalmed. Apparently the beatings happened frequently. They moved soon after.

The chilling aspect of all this is that both of us 'concerned parties' had taken it for granted that it was the woman being beaten up.

Chewbacca Tue 25-Sep-18 18:54:04

Like bohemian, I also have neighbours who fight and it's the woman who is the aggressor; usually when she's had a drink. To the outside world, this couple have everything you could possibly want in life, beautiful home, lovely children etc, but the husband is beaten up on a fairly regular basis. I only became aware of it when he knocked on my door, very late one night, bleeding badly from cuts to his face and hands. She'd thrown him out, wouldn't allow him back in and he had no money to go to the Travelodge that he usually used when this happened. Apparently, he'd spent the night sleeping in his car on previous occassions too. But despite repeated occurrences, he flatly refuses to leave, or seek professional help.
Never in a million years would I have thought that this particular couple would have had this problem. It's very true that no one knows what goes on behind closed doors.

merlotgran Tue 25-Sep-18 19:02:40

Men can also be victims of coercive control.

Madgran77 Tue 25-Sep-18 19:04:07

My brother was battered by his girlfriend! Although he had the physical strength to overcome her he never did it ...he just said a man should never hit a woman! I remember pointing out a woman should never hit another human being either ! He eventually left her and is now happily remarried but went through years of physical abuse and endured accusations of physical and mental cruelty reported to the police who never brought charges because it was clear on every occasion that the claims /accusations did not stand up to scrutiny! He is a strong man (physically and emotionally) and it me how long it took for him to leave

Diana54 Tue 25-Sep-18 19:57:17

I don't think the "hen pecked" husband is particularly unusual wether that counts as emotional abuse but some men do have domineering wives. I think it's rare for a wife to use physical violence, although articles do get thrown on occasions.

fiorentina51 Tue 25-Sep-18 20:20:31

There is a world of difference between a domineering woman and one who subjects her husband/partner AND, sometimes, her children to mental and physical abuse.
Read these accounts to give you an idea..

Diana54 Tue 25-Sep-18 20:58:39

I think a domineering man would be accused of mental and emotional abuse and there is not a world of difference

Elegran Tue 25-Sep-18 20:59:04

Every marriage has a balance of power, one which (usually) suits both parties. Some men like to be the leader, some women are the ones who take the decisions. In moderation that is not a problem, but it is when one of them is not just the leader but abusive. Over time their positions are entrenched and more polarised as the abused one gets more intimidated and the abuser more dominant. The roles can be taken by either partner.

Fennel Tue 25-Sep-18 21:47:20

Another aspect is the way women can use their tongues (verbally) as a vicious weapon.
When I was working I came a across a married couple - the husband had just come out of prison for assaulting his wife because of her verbal assaults.
He went home and she continued her verbal abuse so he hit her again and ended back in prison.
So who was right?

Rufus2 Wed 26-Sep-18 08:50:50

Good Morning chaps; Is there anybody there? Wakey, Wakey; we have company!

I thought I'd drop by the Shed which has been deserted for months, but what do I find? shock
What we should be doing here is starting a men-only medical thread to discuss the basics of recognising symptoms as they arise, what they are like in relation to their location, when to see a doc., usually ASAP, and how the complaint was dealt with. No need to go into detailed procedures, but move on to post-op. treatment such as outcome, re-assurances, care: in fact anything that helps to eliminate worry beforehand. They are my thoughts; obviously others will have their own: good! The more the merrier!
We can draw straws as to who will control the direction and agenda e.g. topic of the month etc.
So who's enrolling? smile

Rufus2 Thu 27-Sep-18 10:26:22

just launch the thread and leave it to other posters.
Elegran; Not a lot of enthusiasm is there? sad

Elegran Thu 27-Sep-18 12:16:51

A step too far at the moment. Visiting the GP is a legitimate talking point, enduring abuse is too near the pride barrier.

Nonnie Thu 27-Sep-18 12:35:52

Diana there is a huge difference between hen pecking and the bullying some women do. I think you have not understood at all.

It is often stated that men are bigger and stronger than women but that is actually irrelevant if one of them is opposed to physical violence. If you have been brought up in a home without violence it is not something you will resort to no matter what it meted out to you.

Men are reluctant to report abuse by women because they don't want to appear weak but also because they don't expect to be believed. The police and social workers automatically believe women and suspect men, wrong but true.

We have seen many cases on here of women who stop men seeing or contacting their families. Women can be very coercive and what can a man do when he is told he has to choose between his partner and children or his family? Women know they can use the children against their partner and very often do.

It is right that women are now able to stand up for themselves but I think that sometimes it goes too far. Cressida Dick was very courageous when she spoke out against totally believing every woman who claimed sexual abuse and said that they should be treated with respect but that each case she be carefully investigated.

Yesterday we heard on the news a lot about the number of sexual cases which went to court having gone down but I didn't hear any comment about the less than 60% of those that did go to court being found guilty. Does that mean that over 40% were false or that there was simply not enough evidence? Hmm, not sure. Women have been known to lie about this as a way of punishing a man who has rejected them.

Rufus2 Thu 27-Sep-18 14:10:03

Without wishing to appear flippant, I can't fail to notice when I log on that it's Sexual Health Week with discussions on STIs being encouraged. shock
I'm not sure that Grandads' Shed is an appropriate venue for this, especially as we are trying to encourage Grandads to come into the Shed to discuss GP contacts. STIs could be a complete turn off. sad We must have other threads?