My four year old grandson "doesn't want me"

expatmaggie - "No grandchild really loves its grandparent until you have seen them safely though their teenage years. " Do you really think that? I can't believe that. I'm sure the love is there right from the start. Its just developmental stuff gets in the way later, for a while. Its only hidden, and it keeps accidentally showing itself every so often.

golfina, the being grownup about it bit can be really hard can't it?

I found this discussion very reassuring. Our daughter. son-in-law and 2 year old grandson live in New Zealand and since he was born we have visited twice a year. LAt March we were there to help our daughter while our grandson's beloved daddy was away at a conference. In the week after he came back he didn't want us at all - I had to be very, very grown-up when he said 'Don't like granny!' With such limited contact it's easy to over-invest. But in the months that hjave followed he still loves to skype with us and asks often 'Want to skype with granny grandad'. I feel for you Dordor in that difficult situation and admire the mature way you have handled it. There will be tough times ahead but you are able to cope and support your grandson.

I found this discussion very reassuring. Our daughter. son-in-law and 2 year old grandson live in New Zealand and since he was born we have visited twice a year. Last March we were there to help our daughter while our grandson's beloved daddy was away at a conference. In the week after he came back he didn't want us at all - I had to be very, very grown-up when he said 'Don't like granny'! With such limited contact it's easy to over-invest. But in the months that have followed he still loves to skype with us and asks often 'Want to skype with granny grandad'. I feel for you Dordor in that difficult situation and admire the mature way you have handled it. There will be tough times ahead but you are able to cope and support your grandson.

I can't get along with the assumption that a grandchild loves you automatically, just because you are there. When my MIL died at the age of 98 my eldest daughter wept buckets the other was dry eyed. This split happened when they were teenagers. My MIL made a lot of mistakes with my youngest daughter. No grandchild really loves its grandparent until you have seen them safely though their teenage years.

Children's first task in life is to bind adults to them to ensure their own care and safety. Just like most grandparents have a favourite grandchild then the children also have favourite grandparents. Its nice if you are the one but nothing is certain.
However we love them and it is not always a happy state of affairs, as we have read on Gransnet sometimes.

And I feel for you, Sussexgran. It is very distressing, but I'm sure your grandson will love you always, he just might say the opposite to push some boundaries and test your undivided love for him. Keep being your usual self - that's what he wants and needs. Let me know when it gets better again, which it will.

I really empathise with you Dordor. My 3 year old grandson and his mother both live with me. Just recently he has started to tell me that he doesn't like me and doesn't want me . Even though I tell myself he doesn't mean it I still find it very hurtful.

How hard to be a child sometimes; I suppose we have mostly forgotten how we felt when new babies arrived or life changed dramatically. I'm the oldest of four and have no memories of the others arriving, either good or bad.
It has been a great help reading all your comments about my grandson rejecting me. I'm happy to say that the visit last Sunday was just as normal - I got hugs and happiness, and was enchanted by the sight of him at the bottom of a pile of the grandchildren cheerfully making sure his one year old cousin was safe. And he ate lots of the cherry topped buns at teatime.

Our granddaughter was 4 a few days after her sister was born and she would try to push me out of the room because she was "the big girl" and she was going to look after the baby. I feared she may try and lift the baby from the moses basket. Unfortunately she now pushes her sister around if she reaches for one of her toys. My daughter was two when her brother was born and she was like a little mother to him.

When my granddaughter's new brother arrived (when she was just 3) she really took it out on me. Compounded by the fact that I was the evil person who was driving her to nursery a couple of days a week while the baby stayed with mum! The battles we had about getting in the car seat. At one point she yelled at me "Take your dirty hands off me!" Fortunately we were not in a busy street at the time. It is sometimes safer to be cross with someone who is not a parent.

I sympathize with your situation, it is doubly hard when you have loved your son-in-law and find it hard to understand how it came to this. My grandchildren were very young,three and one and a half and my grandson,particularly, was bewildered and .of course their behaviour suffers. This has also mean't that our daughter has been struggling a lot financially and we are managing on small pensions. It is putting a strain on us all but for the children. we try to be consistenly loving and ignore any hurtful things they might say.......they never mean any of it but they are having to make enormous adjustments and in our case, none of their friends are in the same position.
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Thank you Grans, your comments are a great help. Power to the Grannies!
I realise now that I need to be just the same as I've always been with him, and just love him, which is easy for me to do.

It's heartbreaking watching our children split up with their partners, but just imagine how confusing it is for the children. He feels he has no power. Unconditional love and patience is all that's needed, he'll come round in the end. My grandchildren are in the same position and their behavior us definitely affected. We are the ones that must stay constant for them.

When my grandson's parents split up he started to "cling" to his mum which he hadn't done before. Presumably he was worried that having "lost" one parent (i.e. not in the family home) he needed to keep an eye on the other! He had happily spent time with us before that but after the break-up became uneasy if his mum wasn't there. As things settled down and he adjusted to the new situation, he became secure with us again. I'm sure it is only a matter of time for you too so don't take it to heart.

Children are very forthright and say exactly what is on their mind at that time. I agree with Leticia, lighthearted is the way. Not long ago my granddaughter pushed her toddler sister out of a toy car, rather than try to explain I just bent down and lifted her out of the car, she started shouting "get off me Daddy's Mummy" She voiced her displeasure in the only way she knew.

I think that it is just a phase-mine certainly had phases of saying 'I hate you' or I am not your friend' or 'I like daddy better'. It is all meaningless.

I can see that you would be very sensitive about it because of your situation, but I wouldn't take it seriously, the power to be hurtful is a bit frightening for a small child.
Keep it very lighthearted and just say things like 'well luckily I'm still your friend' or 'well I have love enough for 2' etc.and change the subject.

I agree that it could be "testing" - who goes away & how does it happen? Can I / did I make it happen?
It could be difficulty in expressing himself - children may use words differently from our understanding.
My advice is not to probe too much - he may say stuff he doesn't mean because he has to come up with an answer!
Stay strong!

I remember howling for my mum when I was little and staying at my aunty's house. I think, there's just no place quite like home when you are very small. Its nothing personal.

My grandsons always plead for me to go and see them at their house, so I reckon they love me. The older one said I could go and live with them!

hello, I'm new to the site, but not new from your problem. We have the kids a lot and sometimes they run in excitedly,sometimes they cry to go home, most times after crying they settle and are fine, but now and again I have to ring their parents to come and get them. I want them to come and enjoy, not think of us as a punishment. They are small people with minds and often want to do things at home, maybe a new toy or game. At 4 he will be confused at the separate living and visits. Let him know he will always be loved.

agree with jangly and also the split will have affected him - don't underestimate how much it will have done so

MY grandson is three and I see him loads but sometimes he will ask for mummy or want to go home even when we are having fun. Remember children often regress a bit when they have change of circumstances. I would reassure him that you love him whatever he says or does.
A weekend away from mummy can be a long time, maybe your son could think about the contact being a bit shorter, I know it;s difficult as i am sure he wants to have as much time as possible with him but it need not be forever. The quality is important as well as the quantity.
These things have a way of sorting themselves out and being concerned shows you are sensitive to his needs.

Are his parents able to chat easily about the contact if so maybe they could work out what's best for now?

Good Luck.

Thank you supernan and jangly. That's reassuring.

I agree with jangly. It seems awfully tough for you at the moment but, I'm convinced that as your grandson gets to know you and your love for him, he will grow to appreciate and love you in return. Have faith...

You know Dordor, I think this is a phase little boys go through! My younger grandson, who is 5, has started to say things like "I love mummy" and I want mummy" when he is at our house. The older one went through the same phase but he has now come out of it the other end. I think they reach an age where they realize that mummy is a very important person in their lives and they shy away from other female family members who might have any claim to their affections. I don't think it's anything to do with you personally or any family situation. He will grow out of it. Underneath it he loves you, and that will resurface later. Best thing I find is to stand back a bit. If he doesn't want a kiss, don't push for one. Try not to worry. He does still love you. Its just a development thing. HTH