Talking about death...

This could be a toughie depending on your background and belief system! Easter is a good time to me as a Christian to embrace not only death but the resurrection of our Lord Jesus.

Death is the one thing that all humanity has in common as we all die at some time, there are no 'rules' about when it happens. It is sad to me that the British in particular try to avoid the subject whereas if it is discussed as a natural part of the life process from childhood it can dispel many 'demons' and fears.

Of course the way a person has died makes a big difference, as has happened in your family but the fact that your son lost his father and needs to express grief or sadness is perfectly understandable and for him necessary, so why should your daughter want him to 'appear normal'? We are human beings with differing emotions, if we try to hide or disregard them that could be bad for our whole well being in my opinion. Also I think kids appreciate the truth and simplicity.

It would be good for the children to understand why their dad was sad and children don't usually have all the baggage that we adults pick up as we go through life therefore accept many things much easier and in a much more simple way that we adults often do.
Belief in an afterlife and a God that is good helps but if you don't have that belief system then I sincerely hope that a way will be found for your family to come through this in a sensitive and positive way for all concerned.

I'd be inclined to tell them that daddy was sad because he was remembering somebody he loved very much but who is now dead. Of course that will lead to questions about death and who etc. but as the children are quite young the simplest answers will satisfy them and you can bet they'll get fed up with the conversation quite quickly. But it will come up again and again...my point is that being caught out by these questions will register with the children that something is wrong. Death is a part of life, whether you believe in an afterlife or not, and discussion about death and dying (in my opinion) shouldn't be shunned. Make it natural and make it simple and the kids will ask as much as they can comprehend...

I would explain death to them in the way you explain it to yourself only in simple terms.

I think it is best to talk about their grandfather , he can be part of the family even if he is not alive - it's about the influence he has left on your sil.

I agree with the other two posts, the children are young and will accept a simple explanation.

Keeping this part of the family history away from them may cause problems in the future if they find out, it may make them question what else has happened that they have no knowledge of.

My husband's first wife died when some of their grandchildren were small and before others were born. Only the oldest has real memories of 'Mama' but there are photos of her included in the family albums, of course, and they enjoy talking of the family history and learning about their past. I am clear that while I am not their biological grandmother - and they call me by my christian name - I fulfill that role in their lives for them now.

We try to tailor answers to the maturity of the child while being honest and factual. Sometimes the challenge for me personally is not to feel like a second-class substitute; my step daughters are not always the most tactful!

In my experience, children love to hear about family history and you can't do history without coming across the fact that most to the people are now dead.

There is a wonderful book that deals with death called The Tenth Good Thing About Barney by Judith Viorst. I read it to my 3 year old grandson when it seemed like his great-grandfather was dying (He's still alive, happily) and he started asking questions about death. He was very interested in the book and then - like a typical 3 year old - that was that. But I suggest you show the book to the parents first and make sure it is a message that they would be happy for you to share with your grandchild.

Young children can be refreshingly matter of fact and simple answers to their questions are often the best approach. Don't offer anymore then an answer to the immediate question... and as Mrs JamJam says (Brill name!) try to be age and maturity appropriate ...the same approach works with the other Facts of Life too!

When my small granddughter asked," Do children ever die?", I thought, how on earth do you answer this? but my daughter just said matter-of-factly,"Yes,sometimes" and moved on to something else.

Harrowing experience, losing a child! My mother lost my eldest sister when she was 15 (I was a baby at the time) she always said it's the worst death there is, losing a child you've brought up, seen blossom and learned to love! She wrote her birthday in her diary every year until she died herself. She said it was having my other brothers, sister and me as a baby to look after that kept her sane and life bearable!

Sorry! Morbid....it's tragic but it happens.

My grandson's other Granny died whilst his mum was pregnant with him.
My DiL has a photo of her mum in the living room and my Grandson has always been told who she was. He is 4 now and he has asked where she is - and his mum told him that she died before he was born - which he just accepted as an answer.
Since then he has asked more questions which have been answered matter of factly and honestly.
My DiL always gets very upset on the anniversary of her Mother's death and she just tells my Grandson that she is missing her Mum which makes her a bit sad.
I think children get worried and upset about death if they think its something we cannot talk about.

How wise you are maxgran. I always talked to my daughter about my father who died before she was born so that she grew up knowing about him. Her own children's grandparents are all still alive but "old grandad" – their paternal great grandfather – died a few years ago. He was given a full Maori burial, including a week of "lying in state" for the family to visit. The two children were sad but had no fear of sitting quietly either side of the bed where he lay and then saying goodbye to this much loved figure. How very healthy and so much better than pretending that one's own family has some sort of special exemption from death as we so often seem to do here.

My granddaughter was only 3 when her great gran died. We just said granny mac has gone away and she did not ask where. I think we need to keep things as simple as possible according to the children's ages.

I agree with those comments which say that death should be dealt with in a matter of fact way. Children CAN deal with things, all sorts of things. It is the adults who get so 'messed-up' about it all. Keep it factual and emotionless at first and then answer their questions as they arise. I don't know who said it but "in life, the only thing guaranteed is death".
My own 2 daughters lost a sibling when they were a month short of 6 and 2 months short of 3. We could NOT have hidden the fact from them. They dealt with it surprisingly well and, without realising it, were a huge inspiration and support to me at that time. NEVER under-estimate childrens' capabilities.

p.s NEVER say that their other grand-mothers' husband is not their real grand-father - not their biological grand-father maybe.

My Husband is not any of my Grandchildrens biological Grandad.
My Daughter in Law told my Grandson that my Husband is not his 'real' Grandad like her Dad is and my Son was really annoyed about it because he thinks of him as his 'Dad'

My Husband has spent time with them, loved them and been everything a Grandad can be,... so he is a 'real' Grandad

maxgran - that was the exact point I was trying to make - well done you for putting my thoughts in to words - creepy but well done!

Thanks Heather - I could not understand why my DiL would take the time to tell her 4 year old son that the man he calls Grandad was not really his Grandad but her Dad IS his real Grandad,... it just seemed mean !

My grandson was just 16 weeks old when his daddy died. We often visit the grave and talk to him about his 'daddy' and we have lots of photo's and a memory box where they can be readily seen. I think gs will grow up always knowing and accepting his daddy has died; the difficult bit is that his father was killed in action. It's fairly straightforward for children to accept death through illness or accident, as long as information is given age appropriately. Explaining that a life was taken deliberately is a much more difficult situation and has to be handled extremely sensitively so as not to incite anxiety and fear in a child. Not looking forward to that day when it comes.

I would just talk about it an a matter of fact way.
My son's father died in an accident when he was a baby. I had to talk about death from the beginning.
I then remarried and my other children have known from the beginning that their brother had a father who is dead.
Children don't have a problem with talking about death, in fact other children used to question me-it was the parents who were embarrassed and tried to change the subject. It is a shame that it is such a taboo subject. Your grandchildren can't be hurt by it.Just discuss it and answer questions. Be open to more questions in the future.
The only sure thing in life is that we all die-silly to pretend otherwise.