The other grandmother

Interesting article in this week's Lady magazine on ''Granimosity'' and the competitiveness of Grannies, particularly with regards to presents.

I dont have anything to do with the other lot of grandparents, neither do the children, but our children dont miss out, they have two sets of great grandparents which they see regularly. They know their situation isnt the usual set up, and the older ones ask questions which we answer honestly.

We have only met the other grandparents a handful of times despite DD and SIL being together 7 yrs and married 5yrs.

They have lived in Germany for the last 4 yrs but even before this. When the were 5 min walk away. They didn't want to know us.

Long story but some of that is SIL fault.

I have 2 DDs with a child each, me and DH get on very well with the other granparents on both sides and they get on with each other. unfortunately elder DD's FIL died earlier this year( 3 months before DD's wedding) and youger DD was in hospital at the same time (complication in pregnancy) and her MIL too. there was a constant stream of visiting as younger DD's husband visited elder DD's FIL on his way to see DD and elder DD's MIL went to see younger DD's mother. and we vsited all 3. I realise this level of friendship is rare but I treasure it we may not see eye to eye over everything but we would never speak ill to either daughter about her in laws. elder daughters husband repeats this joke often

"what is the difference between in laws and outlaws?"

"outlaws are wanted!!!!"

and we STILL love him to bits

I think lifes too short to worry who did what for whom , we all do what we can manage for our families be a lot or a little and I just get on with my part in my grandchildrens lives regardless of what another grandparent does or doesn't do. Its up to each individual as to how much input they want in the lives of their family , I happen to be lucky that I'm closeby and dip in and out of their lives all the time and thats fine for me. I certainly never comare what I do with what their other grandparents do and I get on perfectly fine with them when we happen to meet.. my grandchildren are fond of all their grandparents for different reasons and I think encouraging them to have favourites is a bit unfair , be loved for who you are not what you do..

My DIL's parents hardly do anything for the two grandchildren we share.We all live locally, but have no help with the school runs (DIL's father does not driving in heavy traffic!) or some other lame excuse.I dont mind as my GD has told me I am her'' bestest grandmother''

Charlotta my family is much the same as yours but with the further addition of DD1's birthmother too. Our little darlings are well grandma'd but it isn't a source of friction as we are all within visiting distance.

I get on well with the other grandma, but as they are divorced there is yet another(third) grandma who married the other Grandad. The children accept this and actually they play us up, discussing who is the favourite grandma!
Not in front of us but my daughter overheard them. She told me I was the favourite of- guess who? My favourite grandchild! So I felt relieved about that.

Actually there is so much love and affection on all sides it really does not matter and it is typical of childen to have favourites.

I am so lucky to have nine grandchildren with two more on the way next year. No, I did not have lots of children myself, I married again and so, have three stepchildren who are now having families of their own. So there are five other grandmas/grandads out there who either get to see more or less of the grandchildren than I do because they live nearer etc.

All I would say, is that however nice it would be to get on with the other grandparents, I have learned not to be competitive or to talk about them with the grandchildren unless it is something nice to say. The grandchildren, all too soon, make up their own minds about their grandparents and how fond they wish to be of them. This depends on lots of things, not the proximity of living near a grandparent. Three of our grandchildren live in Scotland and I only get to see them 2/3 times per year now as they are all at school and it is difficult for them to see or have visits from three lots of grandparents. So, i just make the best of every moment when I am with them, write to them, send them funny cards, surprise parcels (only small things!) etc.etc.

In the end, we have had our families, and now as grandparents, we are there to enjoy the grandchildren - not compete with or envy the other grandparents. By and by, the grandchildren learn to appreciate you for who you are, and just want to enjoy you, however much or how little you see them.

gulli. To use a smiley put in a square bracket [ which you find next to the P on the keyboard, then write in grin/confused/angry etc and close with the other square bracket ]. Easy when you know how - I had to ask too!!

Thanks Gally! (I haven't worked out how to do the symbols yet ...)

Gulligranny

As a "step", I'm in a difficult situation with the other grannies. Stepson's MIL is a lovely woman and we get on really well; she knows how much I love the GCs and as far as she is concerned, I am as much their grandmother as she is. (Stepson's mum is deceased, by the way).

However, Stepdaughter's MIL is not at all happy that the GCs call me "Grandma", and appears to believe that I can't possibly love them as they are not "mine" when the truth is that I couldn't love them more if they were.

Unfortunately we don't get to see these 2 GCs as often as we'd like, so she is the major influence. However, I am heartened by the fact that the older girl (nearly 4) is desperate to come and stay for a sleepover, and recently phoned on my birthday to sing Happy Birthday Dear Grandma (and yes of course I cried!)

I agree upsydaisy and sometimes I have reverted to using initials because I feel I should, but sometimes I wonder what on earth some people are talking about. I am glad that you brought it up and in future I will always use the full word!

I've read all of the posts on here as it's interesting reading and I know how very lucky I am in that I see my grandson every day. I know this has been discussed in the past on gransnet but just thought I'd mention it just in case there are any newcomers around to gransnet who possibly might not have a clue what you're all talking about. It's been quite hard work reading all these posts with DD, GD SIL etc etc, just me being picky but it would flow so much better and be so much easier to read if people wrote grand-daughter, son in law etc

Wow thanks Annobel, what a great idea. I will tell her

nanapug, if your DD's MiL gives the GC really unsuitable clothes, they could be sold on Ebay - 'BNWOT' - brand new without tags. Then she could use the proceeds to buy something she likes, maybe even on Ebay.

Thank you HildaW they really do drain me of good will. Hopefully won't bump into them until it is GDs birthday in 6 weeks time.

Sook, those sort of people are such hard work, keeping the conversation on subjects that dont lead to yet another series of moans is sometimes impossible. The amazing thing is..............their problems are always someone elses fault, never theirs! (irony, irony)
Don't feel guilty about avoiding them, its their lack of good manners that keeps you at bay! Even though I've got one such misery in my family I was brought up to try to be cheerfully sociable when in others people's company. Having a good moan to a friend over coffee is a bit different or, for that matter, on Gransnet.

Have just had a rant to better half about our DILs father and his partner. ARRRGGGHHH! We share two GC the latest being just 4 weeks old he has 4 others. I have never met such a repressed miserable pair of beggars in all my life. Their cup is never half full it's always empty! I am always pleasant and sociable towards them but patience is begining to wear thin and I try to avoid them whenever possible. Have a good relationship with DL and a loving one with son so that is all that matters at the end of the day.

My opposite number only lives round the corner from my DD (as do I) but she only sees the GCs once a week at the most. My DD invites her round as little as possible because in my DDs word "she doesn't deserve any more". She is a difficult, opinionated, unpleasant woman who will always argue with my daughter, and say things like "don't know how we managed in our day". She never asks what the GCs would like, and buys things that she likes and then takes the labels off so they can't be returned. The amount of money that has been wasted on unwearable clothes is devastating as they are not well off. It is a shame as my DD is a very laid back easy going girl and if the st**id woman behaved better she would be able to enjoy her DGCs much more. My only criticism of my DSiL is that he will not talk to his Mum about the situation because she argues and goes in to a mood for days if he does try to talk to her saying things like "they are my DGCs and I will do and say what I like as it is my right". I must admit I agree with my DD, she doesn't deserve more......

Some people don't deserve to have daughters- or sons'-in-law!

I find my problem is my jealousy. The number of times I have not said anything to either my daughters or my sons-in-law!

On one occasion, though, daughter 2 asked me to accompany her to baby 2's (routine) second scan. That was a wonderful treat, and the only time I have seen any of my grandchildren squirming in utero. However, daughter 2 failed to report to her mother-in-law on the results of the scan on returning home. Mother-in-law responded by saying "I bet you would have 'phoned your own mother if it had been the other way round". My daughter was shocked and angry, and so was I on her behalf.

I found it possible, on that occasion, to admit that sometimes I did feel jealous, and daughter2 acknowledged it: "I bet you do."

Anyway, the irony is that mother-in-law had it quite wrong. Daughter2 would have only reported on a routine scan to me if there had been any problem. Such as the time when daughter2 rang me in tears after the first scan. I was so relieved when she told me the trouble - she was having a boy and she wanted a girl - that I almost (but not quite) said "Is that all?"

The moral, of course, is never to admit to jealousy about specifics.

Thank you all for your thoughts and comments.Quite re-assuring

Gally I know how hard it is to be separated from your daughter and grandchildren by thousands of mile – mine live in New Zealand. Although there have been occasional differences of opinion between the other granny and my lovely girl, as a rule, they get on pretty well and her in-laws have been very helpful when needed. I was so glad and grateful that they were there for her when she had an emergency Caesarean (or three), when the little one had to go into hospital and when they looked after the two older ones while daughter, husband and two younger children visited us in the UK. It does make it easier to bear the separation. It must be so wretched for you – and for your daughter – that her mother-in-law is such a selfish pain in the neck.

Nadoli Sometimes no matter how hard we try we cannot change other peoples perception of us but that is their problem not ours. Enjoy your grandaughter and I do hope your relationship with your dil improves.