2 Grandchildren all day

GOW you are NOT selfish at all - quite the opposite. What a horrid situation you're in; trying to meet the expectations of so many family members must be very wearing. Your grandson is not too young to be put into a nursery, but I know that sometimes money is too tight to afford it. Unfortunately there are no slick and easy answers, but I do think a family pow-pow is in order. Can you get all your children together and explain that, much as you love them all and want to do your best for them, you're no good to anyone if you're stretched so hard that you'll become ill? I think you deserve .

I have to say I go along with a lot of the posts made here. Times were quite hard when we were bringing up our family but I din't go out to work until the youngest started school. There was no family around who could've helped out with childcare and I think my mother would've echoed Carol's mother's words - saying, "you've made your bed...etc". We really DID struggle, though. But we got there.

I think Carol is absolutely right-they chose to have children and knew the childcare costs-however they seem to assume thatGOW has the strength and energy to look after a disabled husband and a small child-it smacks to me of -oh she's in the house looking after him she can look after another one-it's lovely to feel needed and be useful but when you are looking after a disabled person as well I think GOW is riding for a fall

I think I might have said this on an earlier thread so apologies if I am being boring. An athlete – I think it was Daley Thomson – decided to spend a day doing exactly the same things as his pre-school son. He couldn't keep up – so gave up. If one of the fittest men in the world (at the time) found this exhausting, it's hardly surprising that lots of childcare when you're in your fifties and sixties is a killer. Of course, grannies want to help their adult children and childcare is so expensive that it can cancel out earnings, but we do have lives and individual needs as well.

I think it was Libby Purves who wrote about how when she was a child, the adults were given the breast of chicken and the children had to have legs and wings. Then when she became an adult and mother, times had changed and the children got the breast of chicken. "When," she asked, "do I get the breast of chicken?"

When, we might ask, do we get to please ourselves and choose what we do with our time.

Grumpyoldwoman you do more than enough - I agree your daughters should be helping you. You are not being selfish, you brought up 3 girls and looked after a home. This should be your time now. My son is a stay at home dad, as his wife earns such a good salary it made sense for him to stay and look after his daughter and work from home.[we have another girl due on Nov.17th]. Nearly all my holidays have been spent going up to theirs to give him a break. I love doing it but as everyone has said it is tiring. I agree with em Mother Nature does know when to turn off the baby making machine. That's why I am horrified at those few women who have artificially induced pregnancies just because it is their right to have a child. Poor kid with an ancient worn out mother.

tanith I have to agree with you. When I got married and chose to have four children, I got little assistance from parents and could only hear my mother's words 'you made your bed so you lie in it.' I thought that was harsh, and have tried hard to assist all my children in many different ways, but that's what it is - assistance. They are in charge of their children's care and they are responsible for organisation of nursery, appointments etc. I am there for emergencies and planned baby-sitting that I am free to do if I don't already have my own arrangements. I do feel for them when they relate how much child-minding costs, but they knew that when they planned to have children and continue to work, and whenever I can I help with small financial gifts. I am not there to problem-solve, but to empathise and support. They are proud of themselves for standing on their own two feet and I am proud of my family for the way they have learned to be fully-fledged adults who don't depend on others to do their running around for them. It's tough being a parent, but it's also tough to see your children flounder because they haven't learned to cope with the consequences of their own decision to bring children into the world.

I do have some sympathy with the Grannies who are so involved with GC that it brings them to a state of exhaustion. But what if... what if your children, like mine, had moved too far away for you to be their crutch? They would then have had to find ways and means of coping, as do mine - very successfully. And spare a thought for those grans whose GC are on the other side of the world.

I'm sorry but I disagree with you Granny23 , its your children who have financial commitments that require you to do what you do for them.. there are alternatives but both you and they choose not to use them. I know we all want the best for our children and grandchildren but not at the cost that you feel forced to pay.. I find retirement years slipping by really quickly and when you are busy running hither and thither as you do they must go even quicker..

Just my take on things of course and everyone had their different priorities, my children have always taken care to not over reach themselves which would mean them relying on others to take up the slack.. they know I've worked hard for many years and now I can choose to dip in and out with assisstance as I choose they have taken care of childcare issues without involving me and are happy to do so , knowing that I would drop anything to react to an emergency involving the children. Its how it works in our family.

Grumpy - I am also exhausted even though I have Granpal as co-childminder. It is a very difficult dilemma. DDs both working 3 days a week now yet it would scarcely be worth their while financialy if they had to pay for nursery for 3 full days but their salaries are necessary to pay the mortgage etc. Our schedule is very complicated as 2 DGC are now at school nurseries but at different schools 4 miles apart. Both go in at 9.00 and come out at 11.15. Private nursery, where afternoon session does not start till 1.00pm only takes them up to 5yo. DGS will be 5 in February but will not start school until August, then 6 weeks of half days, then 'full time' = 3.15mp finish, his cousin will be the same but at a different school and his wee sister will start school nursery in at 9.00 out at 11.15.

Sorry, I bet you are exhausted just reading that. There are further complications with in-service days, Gymnastics classes, dentist's visits, sick children, concerts at school, etc. etc. and dilemmas such as dividing our time equitably between DD with one child but no other Grandparents and DD with 2 DC but another set of Grandparents who come 40 miles to cover one day a week. Even if there were plenty spare money there would still be problems with transport between school & nursery and lack of nursery space on a casual basis.

So - it is impossible to 'just say no'. There really is no other alternative.

Grumpy -this is such a hard one isn't it? You want to do all you can to help but sometimes it is really hard. It sounds as if you have your hands full already with your husband and I'm sure your daughter can see this. Sometimes our children choose not to see our struggles and it is so hard to point it out to them. Why can't your GS go to nursery? My GD went at 5 months - it was hard but my daughter had to return to work - shortly after her marriage broke down and it was even more important for her to work. I agreed to have my GD one day a week and I still do and I help out on 'odd' days - I love it but find it very hard work. I also have another GD and try to be her with each week also and help with child-minding when required. I really don't think you are being 'selfish' - we all need time to ourselves and this is your time......................I'm sure that if you talk to your daughter she will understand - maybe you could do just one day a week - that would make a difference to you and perhaps GS could go to nursery or childminder .............? I do hope you find a solution that suits you all......love xxx

I don't think its selfish one little bit , you sound like you have your hands full with your husband to care for your doctor is right and your girls should be making time for you and their Dad not the other way round. You need to be straight with your daughter break it to her gently by all means and give her time to make other plans but I do feel that if you carry on the way you are you will make yourself ill and then where will you be?

I have to say that I am surprised that so many on this thread are looking after grandchildren as nice as it is I think we have all earned our ME time and this is it. I've worked bringing up 3 of my own and then over 20yrs of full-time working and I really am not about to start babysitting my grandchildren now I am enjoying so much my free time..to sit and do nothing should I choose.. I have them of course when I choose to and in an emergency and love every minute I spend with them but as a weekly regular thing , that'll be a big fat NO!! Many of you say how worn out and tiring it is , well then don't do it your family will understand I'm sure as disappointed as they'll be they will find another way .

Grumpyoldwoman, it's time to listen to your 'own self'. You are tired and can't spread yourself any thinner than you are doing now. If you carry on at this rate, you could become ill and where would everyone be then? The more you do, the more you'll be expected to do.....take care.

Sorry, GOW, but who says that 9 months is too young to be in nursery? My four youngest GC, none of whose GPs live close enough to be of any use, have all gone to nursery after the end of their mums' maternity leave - ie at about 6 months. Not all full-time. None of them seems to have come to any harm. It might be a good idea to ask your DD at least to have a look at local nurseries and find out what inspection reports say about them. After all, it wouldn't necessarily be every day, would it?

gosh!! I must check my spellings....!

hi grmpyoldwoman I really don't think you are being selfish..and I can sympathise with you trying to do your best for all... I too look after GS whos 5..I have to be up most morning at 6-15am as thats when daughetr brings him and then she is off to work at the hospiatl for 7-00...if I didnt help then she could not do th job she does..(an 8 clock start would be so much better)
It is good you hubby has started to help a little, my hubby seems to get on better with GS now that he is 5 and can have a converstaion with grandad and have aplay with his model railway, I hope things start to improve you you all...take care and perhaps try and get to bed early enough ad have a good sleep...then take each day ... ( I have just started taking Co-emzym Q10) see if they give me a bit of a boost lol I will let you know

oh grumpy I know how you are feeling!

I started to childmind 2 of my 2 GC at the age of 21/2 and 6 months when my DD started work, I cant remember being so tired with my own two.
My DD had no idea how tiring I was finding it and I didnt have the caring of my Husband as you have. I think you should have a quiet word with you DD.
Our children fail to see that we are getting older and that we cant always do what we were able to do when they were growing up, I think they have us in a time warp.

What I will say to you is that I found it does get easier when they are on their feet, yes you have to have eyes in the back of your head but they seem to be more independant, but you are not having to carry them about.

God ..I really am Grumpy tonight ... Thank you bagitha.I will talk to her after having GS tomorrow and suggest I just have him for one day as soon as she can sort something out.

grumpy, it is not you who is being selfish, but the people who are putting so many extra demands on you, on top of your having to care for your husband. I think, in your position, I would just tell my offspring that I was exhausted and really could not carry on helping so much. People do understand.... When they have got over the shock of your not being Superwomanx2 ! Whatever you do, I hooe things ease for you soon.

I hope you don't mind me resurrecting this thread. My youngest daughter has just gone back to a very well paid job after maternity leave. She is working 3 days a week until New Year..then full time. She asked me if I would look after now 9 mth old GS every Tues & Wed and after Christmas Tues & Thurs. I have done 1 day of my 4th week of looking after him and although he is adorable and has been such a good baby I am finding the whole thing exhausting. He is now wanting to feed himself and has a tantrum if you try to spoon feed him. He is 'into' everything and will only go to sleep (for half an hour at a time) if I take him for along walk in his pram..which his Mum does 2 - 3 times a day.
I also am full time carer for my disabled husband ...my Doctor thinks our 3 daughters should be doing more to help me !!!
I really don't know what to do as DD knows GS is happy and safe with me and she really needs to work. He is too young to be put into a nursery.
I have to do literally everything -- home/garden/dogs and DH usually stays in bed until mid afternoon....but as I am finding looking sfter GS so hard by myself , he has stared getting up to at least watch GS in his walker or playpen while I ..go to loo, hang washing out, make GS's meals.
How do I tell my daughter that I am finding it all too much ...she will be devastated.
I also have 4 other GC and spent Saturday with the eldest 2 ..driving 20 miles to pick them up and taking them home as well...80 miles altogether !!!
I just want some time to myself ...is that selfish ??

Sob away! Keep me company! Went with DD to collect him from school on Tuesday - when I saw him in his school uniform I had to turn away and get rid of the tears in my eyes! Still, there are always the school holidays!

oh Artygran - that's going to happen to me next week. He's off to big school and can't wait. At least I can pick him up from school one afternoon a week but I've looked after him 1 day a week since he was 3 months old - I feel a sob coming!

I know and when you do actually doze off again the sleep is so deep for half an hour that you feel ghastly when the alarm goes off - fortunately it didn't happen on a day the beautiful little grandchildren were coming!

No, you certainly aren't - and isn't it an absolute b****r trying to get back to sleep again!

I agree with Faye. It's much easier in their own home. When they are with me I worry that they will bang heads on the fireplace, fall down the stairs etc. I know that they can do that at home but somehow that doesn't seem as worrying and I open the wine when I get home. Still love all of them though.

Maybe they are just putting on a brave face - I see them in the park