Is it normal to have very little interest in your grandchildren?

There are many ways of being a grandparent. Sometimes it depends how far apart they live, and whether the grandparents are retired or not, or maternal/ paternal, or just individual personalities. And things change over the years. Expectations change. Situations change. Priorities change. Fashions change. There is not one model.
I would like to know how the OP’s situation has worked out. My relationship with my grandchildren has certainly changed over the past ten years and relates only a bit to how much I looked after them when they were younger.
Hands-on help from my own parents and in-laws was rare, as we lived miles away, but we had babysitting circles, with tokens, as mums supported each other. Do these still exist?
Today’s young parents seem to be so much more controlling than previous generations, according to various threads on here.

As a gran I have felt policed by both my daughter and dil.Lots of instructions about what to feed them,what they are allowed to do and daughter actually listened outside the bedroom door to make sure I was putting the baby to bed correctly .

Ha ha! Well spotted pantglas.

It would be interesting to know how it turned out, but m y feeling is that the grandmother is completely self-centred and has/ had very little interest in her grandchildren, or her daughter. She sounds like my mother-in-law, whose main interest in life was her husband; he came before her own children and grandchildren, to whom she was perfectly kind but couldn't wait for them to leave so they could be alone together. There are more women like this than you realize.

Your mother was a professional SW and was probably very stressed in her work, she now has a sick huscand and a daughter who has estramged herself from him... She probably just wants a break and some time alone with her only daughter who lives some distance away. She might not even like children very much.. I appreciate that you would like her to help you out and maybe fulfill your idea of what a GM should be like but that doesn't seem gel with hers.. I would drop expectations and just enjoy what she can offer... She may be someone who prefers older children and start doing activities with them when they are more independent. I would just enjoy the small amount of time you all have together for what it is now..

I’m hoping the OP might see her resurrected thread and update us on the past 13 years.

😂

Grannynannywanny

The 8 and 6 year olds mentioned in the OP are adults now.

Oh, crikey!!!

I am an only child with 5 children and now a grandmother of 7. My husband and I had parents 2 hours and 4½ hours away initially and then both sets were 4½ plus.

Neither set babysat - why would they? They were miles away! We had friends who babysat if necessary and we babysat theirs.

Can you meet halfway for the odd day out every month or two so your mum gets to know your children better? That's what we did.
Then you can "lend" your children for an odd sleepover as they grow.

You are not being realistic I think.
If you want to see her more book an air bnb near her maybe and think of ways to make the contact you want actually happen.

Being a grandmother does not mean you are an automatic babysitter.

The 8 and 6 year olds mentioned in the OP are adults now.

Livelove you need to start a thread of your own. You have somehow resurrected a thread that is from 2011 and people have now started to reply to.

This is a very very old thread. I wonder how it all turned out?

I don’t suppose it matters but this thread is from 2011….

Your mother seeing your children twice a year does not form a close bond with her grandchildren and I can understand why your mum isn't very pro-active with your children when she stays over as they are like strangers to her and problems with your father makes things more difficult. You can only get close to someone if you see them on a regular basis so sadly, that will never happen in your case.

All you can do is enjoy the weekend when your mum stays over and do not ask her to child mind as she is there to see you and your grandchildren and not be a baby sitter. You only see her twice a year so why would you want to be going out when she arrives. If it was me, I would feel as if I was being used. If I only saw my family twice a year and when I arrived found that they had planned to go out and leave me to look after our grandchildren who I hardly knew, I would not be going again.

If your dad has cancer and anything happens to him then if your mum moves to be nearer you, you may find that a close bond will start to happen with your children. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder but I disagree, out of sight, out of mind.

It may be easier when the children are older.
Neither my mum or mil had much time for babies or small children.

When they were old enough we used to send them to spend a fortnight with my in-laws every summer holidays. They lived 300 miles away. My own mum, who had been widowed with 3 dc under 8, was never a hands-on gran.

Each to their own. I really wouldn't fret about it. Your expectations and hers are different, that's all.

Hello to all....I'm a grandma my grandson is 4 going on 5 and we have always been close I have him every weekend sometimes more on school vacations. Lately he doesn't seem to call me anymore or when I do it's I don't want to talk to you Nana .I except it let him know I love you and it's ok. While deep inside I'm wondering why the all of a sudden change? My heart is in sorrow I mean I knew it would happen someday but I definitely wasn't prepared for this now . Any advice would be appreciated thank you.

Butternut is right. In a way there is no such thing as a 'Grandma', or a 'Grandad' for that matter, there are just people who happen to have children who then, in turn, have children. The relationship that exists between the people is up to the people concerned. My mother lived in the shadow of a very controlling husband who loved and still loves only himself. Her relationship with us was always tempered by his needs, but when she was able she was a loving mother and grandmother. However, there were times when she was very much unavailable.
Thankfully I am able to love and support my children and grandchildren and we have created relationships that work for us at any given time (I get it wrong sometimes - but hey thats life). What I am trying to say is that there are no rules and nothing is constant. We keep in touch regularly, are honest but diplomatic with each other (apologising if we get it wrong) and generally bumble along as best we can.

I wonder how it is for your mother to visit you without your father. Does she feel stuck in the middle - damned if she visits and damned if she doesn't? Your father's illness can't make life easy for her and perhaps she needs you to make her feel more at ease.
I suffered terrible interference from both mother and MIL so I always took care not to push my way into my children's adult lives. My DD laughed when I asked her if it was alright to pick up the baby but I wouldn't have done so without permission.
We are all products of our own experiences which so often result in misreading the signs. Start communicating with her - tell her how you feel and listen to her too.
I hope she comes around to being a hands-on gran 'cos she really missing out!

Dotty - I'm afraid I felt quite angry reading your post. It was all about your needs and your expectations of what your ideal grandma should be. Your Mum is an individual, not a Super-Grandma flying in to fit perfectly into your life, who has considerable concerns of her own.

How about just enjoying her company when she does visit. Let go of what you want, and try embracing what you have.

dotty342kids your situation sounds similar to mine.

I suspect there are other young/new mums out there without any parental (grandparent) support.

I am the oldest of four, my parents marriage was indescribably terrible and turbulant for, well basically all of my childhood or as much as I can remember especially my teenage years when my mum treated me as a confident and discussed divorcing my father with me regularly.

Towards the end of my time at home my mum also turned on me and made it clear she wanted me out and after I left regularly asked me to make sure all of my belongings were out of the house (they were!) - to be fair to her she had a very hard time raising all 4 of us more or less single handedly and it was over crowded at home. As a result i am very independent.

However now she wants to be part of my two childrens lives. But she wants this strictly on the basis that she does not help but that (ideally) I visit her with the children for as long as she can tolerate young children round the house and then we go home. She is 64 and lives 3 hours drive from where i live. I work full time and am in debt paying childcare costs although there is light at the end of the tunnel money wise now my daughter is about to turn 3 (gmt assistance with nursery fees hurrah!!!). So apart from anything I genuinely cannot afford petrol money.

She also told my other three siblings to get out of the house in their teenage years. As I say to be fair she had me when she was early 20's and i think it is fair enough she wanted her own space after years of child raising which she did not enjoy. But now the only communication she makes is that she is getting ill and frail. She has decided to stay with my father after all and regularly emails me to say he "has changed" and she is very happy with him which I am happy about (better that than that she is lonely).

But i just cannot bring myself to take the children to see her. No one from either my family or my husbands family have ever looked after either of my children at any time since they were born. Although family support would be nice i am now totally used to the situation where only nursery or i (or my husband) look after the little ones.

My point? None I guess apart from that you are not alone in having a mum who does not want to take any active role in looking after grandchildren and some mums can then fit in with how their mum wants things but i like you struggle with it and so there is no relationship there any more with my mum.

Thanks Apricot, yes, intend to be as involved as they'll let me when it's my turn!

Dotty, your mother had only 1 child and left you to someone else regularly. Now she sees you only rarely. She sounds like someone who was just not very maternal and didn't enjoy being with children either then or now.
It's sad but she's not going to change. At least, when you become a Granny, you'll know how to do it better, to be a loved part of your grandchildren's lives
and a big help to their parents.

I'm with absentgrandma all the way-some poor souls can't do right even when they are desperate to be involved, some stand back and are accused of indifference, some people who have been hurt in their lives are afraid of letting the love for their grandchild cause more hurt-sil or dil leaves and takes the gcs away-just read some of the anguish in some of the threads and you'll see we are a brave lot loving these children and their children. we don't all have the same ideas of what a gran should be. If god forbid my husband had cancer i don't doubt the daughters would never expect me to leave my husband's side-having said that there are cancers which are curable and others terminal but the toll having a partner with cancer is psychologically damaging to many people-living in a parallel universe to everyone else is what some have said to me.
Bombard her with emails about the gcs,photos galore and involve her without her realising it-she may be much better with older gcs than at present. I think all young mothers need mothering themselves anyway*dotty*-I think you could do with some caring -your children will be fine with or without a gran

No, she's def not depressed. Just got some very odd and sad ideas about her role as a grandmother I think.
I'd like to thank you all for your comments, some have hit the nail right on the head and reassured me that I'm not mad to feel a level of disappointment in her approach so thank you especially for that :-)
Absentgrana - I'd really like it if my mum were simply more at ease with the fact that she is a grandma. In no way do I sideline her but at the same time I'm not going to get down and beg her to spend time with her own grandchildren! She's only 64 and has lots of life left in her yet and could bring such a lot to my children's lives (and her own!) if she wanted to. I think a lot of it really boils down to whether she actually wants to. And I don't think she does so perhaps it's more a case of me learning to accept that...

Hello Dotty - it sounds to me that your mother might be depressed. If a grandparent sits amongst the family and says nothing then this is typical of someone who feels too lethargic to take part in family life.
I'm not an over-the moon, grandmother as I am always as pleased to see my own children as as I am to see their offspring. You can read on GN how we grandmothers differ but most of us would not behave like your own mother - except if we were depressed that is..
The point is that you have to improve the relationship with your mother first. If possible. Good luck!