How best to acknowledge the birth of twins and the death of one of them

What a difficult situation! If any idea has come to you naturally, I would follow that and express both sets of feelings. The parents will be feeling them all! The surviving twin is still, presumably, very tiny and delicate though progressing well. They will focus on that to help them through their loss.

I think a note to say that you are very sorry to hear the news would appropriate. And maybe a gift when the other one comes out of hospital.
My DH had a twin that died at birth and I know that he and his mum both feel that loss in a corner of their hearts.

I think what JessM says is a good idea but, also, flowers for the parents with the note now. Possibly later a donation to a charity that would seem appropriate.

What an absolutely awful outcome.

I had twin brothers, one of whom had cerebral palsy and died at the age of almost 3. It took my mum years to be pleased about anything my remaining brother achieved as it just pointed out what the other one had lost. Mum seems to have forgotten now but my brother and I came across some of his toys, his hairbrush and some satin shoes when we cleared her flat. So poignant.

It's a very difficult time - wanting to welcome and be thankful for the living baby yet grieving for the one who has died. As well as giving a gift for the surviving baby perhaps a little something in memory of the sibling might be appropriate. We have a little dried flower encased in a plastic material - very simple but it means a lot. Recognition that there were two babies is, as you say, very important.

Thanks everyone. It's helpful to be reminded that you don't have to do/say everything in one go. I've done a bit more researching and the special care baby unit where the twins were born has several fundraising projects and a couple of charities (Compassionate Friends & The Child Bereavement Charity) sell special rose bushes, commmissioned to help their fundraising.
Their is also a Lone Twin Network website.

Given the way the parents are dealing with things, I shall go with the 'finger tip touch' approach in several stages. Sending something to the surviving twin when she leaves hospital is a good idea and helps her birth & survival to be celebrated a little bit separately from the initial raw grief. And I won't forget the grandparents' grief - their experience of becoming grandparents is so different from that of most of us.

It can be so hard trying to think of the "right "thing to say, sometimes the . simplest expression of sorrow is best, plus appreciation of the surviving baby as you do not want to detract from that. A donation to a neonatal charity would be appreciated I am sure and a present for the baby. It would be so sad if the joy at his/her birth were always to be overshadowed by the loss of the twin. It is tricky - but from my own experience of losing a baby, the very worst thing is not to do or say anything at all.
We have just come back from Dorset/Hampshire and laid flowers at our baby's grave (38 years ago) in Ringwood and I remember the worst thing was the people who didn't mention him "because they didn't want to upset me"
So go with your heart - say what you are thinking - incredible sorrow at the loss of one twin, but joy at the survivor in the way you would rejoice at the birth of any baby. I am sure you can trust your instincts .

This really is a tough situation - would it be possible to deal with the birth and death separately, with one card of condolence and one of congratulation?
Could you talk about it with the babies' grandmother and see what her view is?

Forty one years ago I had identical twin boys, and only one survived. It is hard to describe the feelings; all the natural joy in a healthy new baby, and all the grief for the lost one; dealing with birth certificates and death certificates at the same time (more or less); giving away the twin pram....one is dealing with so much at the time.

My DS1 is a wonderful, loving young man. (I am so fortunate in my children, and GN has helped me realise that even more.)

The worst comment I received after the birth and then the death was "Well, look on the bright side. At least you've got one baby." OK, I had, but I'd also lost one.

Just a little card would be nice. Most people were very kind to me, but one can't take much with all those conflicting emotions churning round.

Thank you Ariadne for the benefit of your hard and sad experience. There is little consolation for the loss of a child and other people finding the silver lining in your cloud can be so difficult.

My last post somehow posted itself before I could add.... I was able to sepnd time with the grandma today - we could dip in and out of the loss as and when while doing an project outside. She feels she is walking on eggshells because the parents' way of coping is to close up. While one has to respect their way of handling their grief, the pain of the grandparents not being included in whatever they are planning for a 'funeral' for their child must be terrible. I'm biding my time but checked out which charity is appropriate for a donation and the grandmother is planning a sponsored event for the same charity.

This whole issue of the grief of grandparents is one given little attention though there is more help available nowadays from organisations like Compassionate Friends. My mother must have had a hard time when my daughter died as our relationship has never been easy. However, the one thing she does every Christmas which is lovely & much appreciated is to make a cross-stitch card in memory of her grand-daughter. I showed these to my friend and I think from her reaction it has given her some ideas for how she can express her grief to her daughter.

Perhaps a blank card (i.e. no printed message) with a neutral sort of picture on the front, and something like "Thinking of you all at this time, both your joy and your sadness" ? Although perhaps that isn't quite right.

I think that sounds perfect phoenix. I believe sometimes the words needed come immediately to mind and if they don't, they often don't come at all. People are usually feeling the sadness for the other person's loss too, but don't always get the right words out and are desperately trying not to make things worse.

"Look in they heart and write."

This is such a hard thread to read. I have new twin grandaughters and have faced the shock and worry that this family will have been dealing with, without the dreadful loss they have faced. The baby who has gone will be a little personality that they got to know, no matter how short the baby's life was. They might be dealing with their loss in a well-defended way, but their choice to do this should be supported. They will have had to make some hard decisions and do things few of us will have ever experienced. A gift, pledge or donation to the neonatal unit would be a thoughtful way to acknowledge the baby who has been lost. They usually have a special place for babies to be remembered, such as 'The Snowdrop Garden' at our local maternity hospital.

Lovely thought phoenix