Being a long distance granny

I've never posted on here before but I thank you all for your words of comfort. How nice to know there is a shoulder to cry on.

rockgran, coincidentally, I've just come back from a U3A meeting where the speaker was telling us about a trip to the Falklands to see penguins and other wildlife. It sounds very exciting, and a very friendly community. Good luck to your family.

Although time spent with my seven grandchildren is less frequent than I would wish [twelve months between gatherings with six of them,] the quality of that time is tip-top. Happy memories together with the occasional email and 'phone call, sustain me from one visit to the next. All I need to know is...they are safe and thriving.

for rockgran

Missing your grandchildren will be hard, rockgran, but I hope you and they will get great enjoyment out of the family adventure that is about to happen. I hope you can visit them as soon as possible and that you have a wonderful time doing so. Wishing you all the best.

Nice to know how other grans cope. Having been very active in looking after our grandsons (3 and 5) they are off 8000 miles to the Falklands for two or probably four years. We may be able to visit in a year's time. I know we can Facetime, etc. but after almost daily contact the thought of not being able to cuddle them is breaking my heart. I'm trying to be brave for the sake of my son (and wife) who has landed a great job and they are so excited about the adventure. They leave in two weeks. My stomach keeps lurching at the thought. I'm really happy for them but it is so hard to let go of our only son. We comfort ourselves with the thought that they should all have a happy time there (thanks Speldnan).

How very odd, Faye! There's nowt so queer.....

hopefulnanny

My eldest daughter has the opposite. After her husband moved to live with D1 his brother and two sisters also moved too. After her BIL and SIL had their first baby my daughter and SIL found out MIL was visiting but she didn't tell them. It's a plane ride away and involves two flights or a flight and boat. MIL only visits for weddings or to see new grandchildren. My daughter could not understand how her MIL could fly over and not visit her then three year old grandchild. My SIL was sad to think his mother was in town and hadn't told them.

Now SIL's youngest sister is having her first baby. Nana and Granddad are both visiting this time but SIL's sister doesn't want them staying at her house the whole time so paid for them to stay at a nearby hotel for a week. My daughter said they could have stayed with them, her girls would love nanny and granddad to spend more time at their house. This visit they will stay only one night with my daughter and SIL and one night with his younger brother who now has two children. The rest of the time they will stay at a hotel even though they have four young grandchildren who would love their grandparents to be with them.

How could you not want to spend as much time as possible with grandchildren who you might not even see for a few years. It's not as though they will be sightseeing. I do find people strange sometimes.

My daughter lives almost 300 miles away from us. I visit as often as I can, but it's not always easy. I am conscious that I'm in their space, and that to a degree, their normal lives go on hold while I'm there. As much as I love them all, I practically run home at the end of the visit (I agree, Jess, not a holiday!). I understand that I cannot, and should not, be a priority for my daughter, who has three young children and a part-time job. And I see that what bags is saying is that you almost have to suspend your own needs for that period - which is what if try to do (not always successfully, if I'm honest!). Don't be upset, Hopeful, when you post on GN, you have to expect a whole range of views, some of which will run counter to your own. Take it as it comes, I say!

JessM Absentdaughter, who is a born haggler, did a deal with the local motel so that we had a standard room, kitchenette and bathroom but paid truckers' rates because we were there for three months. (The truckers share a sort of dormitory.) We also had to make our own bed but otherwise had maid service – not exactly a hardship.

Oh, me too Jess. I get so fed up with the 'Not another holiday!' comments. It's bloomin' hard work but I love it and am ready for a proper holiday once I return home!

It's a good idea if you can afford it absent but for many of us by the time we have scraped together the money for the fare spending a few more hundred on b and b is not an option and we have to make do with sofa beds, mattresses on floors etc.
No big surprise really that if someone is posting they are feeling vulnerable and hurt then they are going to be susceptible to feeling hurt and vulnerable about other things and other people. Comes with the territory.
You're right ffinochio - "go with the flow" is my motto. And it is not a holiday. Do get a tad peed off if people say"oh you are going on holiday again". No, even thougth I am lucky to be going, it is not a holiday. It's the only way I can see my children and grandchildren - it's a visit. I will try to fit in with their lives (whither thou goest this week, I will go too, DS2), or help out if need be. A holiday would be going away with DH and doing things we want to do together. It would certainly not be his idea of a break, spending a couple of weeks staying with my kids! And there has been a lot less of that since the kids emigrated.

Not the same situation i know, as I live only a one hour flight from my mother. Her longest visit is normally week and to be honest even that is a bit of a strain for me but I try very hard not to let it show. My visits to her are shorter.

I just don't find it easy to share my space with anyone for any length of time. I now understand that about myself.

The fact is that not everyone is able to analyse their own feelings far less articulate them. I know in the past I would get tense and edgy around my mother and think that somehow she made me feel that way. I now recognise that I just prefer my own space but I still would find it difficult to tell her that as she would be hurt.

I'm not at all sure we could get to the end of an extended visit on good terms.

I'm sorry you are upset hopefullnanny

I think it is best not to stay with ex-pat family if you are going for a long holiday. Son/daughter and their wife/husband need some private time together and no-one with very young children needs the extra work of guests for a prolonged period. The German saying that after three days both fish and guests smell is a wee bit OTT, but there is an element of truth. When we visited absentdaughter for three months some years ago we stayed in a nearby motel. We spent the days with the family and ate together in the evenings but then we went "home" and left them some space.

I wonder if anyone will 'bare their souls' on GN again, after what has been posted. It has just shown me that you can be really hurt by strangers which makes it worse.
I have not done it up to now ( because I haven't got any problems at the moment) but if it had a problem, I would keep it to myself. Putting such problems in a public domain means you have to be careful what you write about others who cannot defend themselves. 'Hopeful's daughter has been written about. I hope she doesn't read GN and recognise herself on it.

I was once aware of holding high hopes and expectations of my long awaited visits. I'd parachute into my son's and daughter-in-law's lives once a year or 18 months or so if I was lucky. Over the years I've learnt to keep a completely open mind and to shelve any thoughts of an 'ideal' situation.
Every time I've visited it's been different, because their lives are constantly evolving, as the grandchildren grow, jobs come and go and financial issues shift. I'm constantly on a learning curve, and one I'm delighted to be on. I watch, listen and learn, try to suss it out a bit, but generally just muddle along, as they no doubt do with me.
I've never needed my visits to be a holiday. The visits are not always easy, and certainly not perfect, but all I need is just to be with them, as they are, for the short time I'm there. It gets better and better.

Does anyone remember the thread about being kind. I think there was a blog or similar. Just as valid being kind to oneself.

I think we all realise what it can take it to "bare our souls" on GN or anywhere and admit things about our nearest and dearest which we would not articulate to friends who know them - especially our children whom we would defend to the death if anybody else criticised them. So while I am perhaps fortunate that I have not (as yet) experienced the disappointment hopeful went through, I - and I am sure all of us - can sympathise and offer some comfort. Just because it might not be your own personal response does not invalidate it. And I so agree with Tegan - Facebook causes more hurt than it is worth, I think especially among those of our generation because it highlights the often thoughtless behaviour and self-obsession of the young. It is too easy to "unfriend" a person without thinking through the pain that might cause or to fail to "like" a comment one person has made, but "like" everybody else's - thus making them feel neglected and left out. It is an appallingly inadequate means of communication not least because of the brevity and speed of comments which far too often provoke misunderstanding or pique.
I hope hopeful is still around to read this. One GNetter's opinion is as valid as another's - but it is the ones which criticise which sometimes seem to "stick", while there are plenty of others who can offer more sympathy.

That is a shame hopefulnanny. I hope you will reconsider. I like to think this is a place where we can come to offload so I'm sorry you feel this way. I don't have grandchildren living far away as many of you do but I do understand how difficult daughters can be and how their behaviour can sometimes defy rational explanation. It's a strange relationship between mother and daughter, as we have said many times on here.

* hopefulnanny* I think it is a case of walking a mile in someone else's shoes. Some can't do it . I have a daughter who has made me wonder why I have made the effort to stay and help out,who has not raised a smile and left me doubting my actions even though I have made enormous efforts to help. Not across the world but often with difficulties overcome. And yes I have appreciated that small children ,a very demanding job and a very focused husband makes her life to me seem like hell. So I not only sympathise but empathise with your predicament. I think plenty of people have said helpful things so stay to listen to others and I generally ignore lengthy posts where the poster needs to add to the post two or three times as if not to let in any other argument or other post.

I've just re-read Hopefuls second post on this thread. I cannot understand why that should have provoked such a reaction from anyone. It was obviously written more in sorrow than anger.

There is everything kind and compassionate about thatbags. She is also clear, forthright and insightful.

Responding to comments made is not a personal attack, as she has clearly stated.

sorry Caga I just saw your comment. I can see nothing compassionate or kind about thatsbags comments and I really don't think she does worry that she causes hurt to others by her continual posts even after you had defended her. Hopefulnanny is leaving now and is "hopeful "that she doesn't encounter anyone like this again for sometime(sad)

Actually j08 that would have been nice but it was at my daughters request that we do the house up not ours. We would have been more than happy to have just spent some down time with her and the grandchildren as if you had read the post you would see this was a hard trip to organise and this is why it was all the more upsetting. My husband was asked to do over and above what was agreed before we went out there and it took a lot of the hols up. Don't judge til you have all the facts . My dream would have been to just soak up the grandchildren and my daughter. As for the comments and justification of them by you thatsbag I am not even going to get caught up in it anymore. You have made it quite clear what you think of the way you perceive that I treated my daughter. You have obviously analysed all of this in your own head and come up with that conclusion but you are way off the mark. But as I said before I don't need to justify myself to you. I am neither a critical or demanding mother and take offence to that being mentioned. You obviously think that we have no right to feel hurt by our daughters and if we do we should not say anything. Once again the photo thing is consuming your thoughts. I really cant keep coming back to see your cutting remarks on this so I will thank all the ladies who have been understanding and offered empathy and wish them all well.

Hopefulnanny I too am not surprised your daughter was feeling stressed when you were there. You say she has two under five, one of them only four months old, and another on the way. She had you visiting, and your DH doing the house up round her!

Why did he do all that? Why did n' t you just have a pleasant visit seeing the place and being with them? And then let them do the jobs round the house in their own time.

Waste of a visit I think.

Don't blame her for being stressed. Quite understandable.

Disclaimer: which is not saying that hopeful is either of those things, only that her post that I reacted to so disastrously seemed very critical to me.

Just as my post seemed harsh to her.