Being a long distance granny

We are just back from Vancouver after visiting our elder son, Canadian wife and our 10 month old grandson who we haven't seen since he was 7 weeks old. He's an absolute poppet

It was very hard leaving as we have no idea when we'll see them again apart from Skype, photos and iPhone videos that both my son and daughter-in-law send frequently.

I now realise just how my parents and in-laws felt when OH & I embarked on 10 years of overseas postings in 1974 as both our sons were born outside the U.K. - in Bonn & Khartoum.

And if having one son in Canada isn't enough, our younger son and his partner have recently emigrated to Perth, WA and their baby - another grandson - is due in 2 weeks. We hope to see them next August.

When we'll all be together as a family again is anyone's guess. We've always encouraged the boys to travel and see the world - and that's what they've done with our blessing as there is no future for either of them here in U.K. I might add that they are both engineers but in different fields.

Lots of good ideas here but the long distance stuff doesnt replace a cuddle or the smell of a newborn, however - we have had that with our own children so must try to be unselfish. I am extremely lucky and even though I work, have almost daily contact with my 3 DG.
My problem is that I desperately want to live by the sea, currently reside in the town furthest from any coast), but didnt manage to engineer it when DC were little. In a couple of years I will be able to realise my dream but know that I will miss DG and DC terribly, my DD's dont really want me to go, esp eldest one and of course I do provide childcare.
I worry I will be crabby and resentful if I dont go and who will want to see me then but if I do go, I will be miserable and missed.
On balance, I think I must go and manage the consequences just as I would have to if DC had opportunities to move away and enjoy a better life. For me, I will be able to offer summer childcare, holidays and just as much love as ever. I just hope I have the courage to do it. My problem is probably me - I like to be involved and may have encouraged more dependence on me than I should have done so am working on that one.

Thanks hespianxx

I so hope that you can enjoy your time with your family. With luck when that little person comes into your home he will light it up and all your sadness will disappear -for a little while at least. I will be thinking of you and hope that you will be able to give me some tips for Christmas.

By the way, many years ago a wise friend said to me when her son was going of to university for the first time that when he comes home for holidays etc she " expects nothing and is pleasantly surprised if anything nice happens, like son wanting to spent time with parents" I've tried to follow this philosophy so I don't get disappointed when my adult children arrive for brief visits. Expect nothing and anything is a bonus.
Must keep telling myself that next week

Thanks for your responses. I'm so sad that I shall never really know my own first grandchild like I know my partners grandchild who lives round the corner. I couldn't love him more if he was my own flesh and blood and have seen him nearly every day since he was born 3 years ago. It's made me so aware of how different it is to sky ping etc. Just the little things like picking him up from pre school and sharing his delight in the paintings he did there.
Sadly it doesn't help that my DIL has no interest in this side of the family.
As they are staying in my house I will at least get to have breakfast and a bedtime cuddle with him for a week. It's going to be hard. I will report back as to how I coped at the end of next week!

TO STORYNANNY hi I totally and 100 per cent understand what you mean. My only child and my only granddaughter live in USA. My daughter married a lovely American man. When they came to England for a trip this summer for a couple of weeks, all that happens is I know however close I get to my granddaughter whilst she is here I will have to let her go again. It makes the time spent together almost surreal, or like a dream. I hardly Skype much as I hate not being able to touch or hug my granddaughter. And yes, I agree, in a weird sort of way you get used to them not being around. Only somebody in this situation could possibly understand this.
My granddaughter is just coming up to her second birthday. I would LOVE to get together with other grandparents in this situation as I often feel so isolated.

I totally understand your feelings storynanny. We have just heard that my DS and DIL are coming from Australia with their new baby for Christmas. Although I know I want to see them I am dreading it too. So far, seeing the baby just a few times on Skype is almost bearable but I am so frightened of becoming attached to her when I meet her and then coping with the grief when they go. I also know they are planning to do lots of visiting and I really want them all to ourselves. My only way of getting through each day is keeping myself really busy so I have no time to think. The nights are another matter altogether,

My grandchildren live 250 miles away in two different directions....nowadays its easy to have a phone conversation and Skype is a wonderful thing too which we do at every possible opportunity - Christmas, Birthdays, just for the fun of it etc! We love to visit whenever we can and certainly ensure that we seem them 3-4 times a year at least but working full time and shifts makes it just that bit harder! Another thing that we have found to bridge the gap is to send postcards and letters - maybe a bit old fashioned these days but they are things they love to receive. I also try to send them little presents (eg comics, pens etc) just so that they know we are thinking of them. And of course we upload pictures to share in the same way they do for us too. It makes the world a much smaller place but its not quite the same as a proper kiss and cuddle and hands on experience.....when this does happen we always just try to make it memorable for them an take them to places, take photos, pick up souvenirs etc, that they can stick into a scrap book to reminisce over.

I've sadly got used to the long distance thing since my first grandchild was born last October in USA. I saw him for a week when he was 5 weeks old and FaceTime weekly since then.
I'm actually dreading next week when they are visiting me for a week. How ridiculous does that sound!
Thing is, I've distanced myself to cope with the sadness and not sure how I'm going to cope with seeing him briefly and then going off again. I can't have him all to myself as they have lots of family to visit so in a strange way it's going to harder seeing him in the flesh.
Am I being ridiculous or does anyone know what I mean?

I have so much enjoyed reading all these posts. They are a brilliant mixture; lots of help, practical ideas and encouragement, but also understanding of how it feels. I really feel now that there is plenty I can do to make long-distance grannying work. I love the idea of regular Skype get-togethers, and also of getting to know the area they are moving to really well on-line. Come to think of it, I had far-away grannies myself, and I still loved them, even though there was no Skype and telephone calls abroad were for life-and-death situations only. Things were so different then; my grannies seemed very old ladies at 60! They may have knitted jumpers for the size we had been when they last saw us, but they managed to keep in touch.

Hespian I agree with your last statement that families are not suppose to have 1000s of miles between them. Tiggypiro is also correct that we have done something right giving our children the confidence to be adventurous and live abroad (where life can certainly be better). Eg when I'm feeling down I remind myself that my son and his partner were living in a small flat in London before they moved to Wellington-now they live in a place where they can walk to work or to the beach. My son can cycle, snowboard and go on interesting holidays-all near to where they live. The little one goes to a lovely daycare centre and lives in a city with little crime. How ever much I miss them I can only be happy that they have all these things.

For Frances:
1. have a regular Skype date - e.g. we do every Sunday breakfast (theirs) and share muffins, coffee, and time together. Two-yr-old does his own thing, (occasionally interacting with us!)
2. if you send cards/presents to each other, open them in front of Skype camera so all can share in the surprises. Similarly, show off new acquisitions, pet's latest trick, etc
3. visit as often as you can. Or more. When children are very young they probably appreciate the grans travelling to the children's own home, but as they get older, they'll enjoy the adventure of travel TO the grans more and more. Invite yourselves, let them do the same.
4. become as widely-read on their new country of residence as you can, study the photos on google and maps and use the web like you've never done before!
5. keep positive!

I am also a long distance Granny. My DD has 2 boys - 2 mths and 4yrs - in Beijing and DS 3 boys - 3 mths, 4yrs and 6 yrs - in Spain and it is something you just have to get used to. As already mentioned Skype is wonderful and I talk to DD 3 or 4 times a week but sons are definitely different ! Once a month seems to be his limit. All 3 elder boys willingly talk on skype and when I visit it is as if I see them often. I see the Spanish crew 2 or 3 times a year for a week or so (if I'm lucky!) but see the Chinese crew much more often as I go for 3 or 4 weeks and they usually come here for 10 weeks in the summer. Leaving them is awful but I try to leave the tears until they are out of sight.
I don't send parcels as over the years too many have not arrived but many thanks to Hespian I will give The Book Depository a try.
All us long distance Grannies must congratulate ourselves that we brought our children up to have the confidence to do what they have done. I would rather think that than the alternative view that we did so much wrong that they wanted to get away !! I am sure the former is correct for us all.

Wow, that's a tough one, you just get to know the new little people and they go so far away. A lot of excellent advice has already been provided. How about also writing some stories for them and, as I know you are an excellent cartoonist, illustrating them yourself? And, of course, saving for holidays to California. Regular and varied contact seems to work so that you are part of each other's lives.

I have 2 grandsons in California. We use Face time now they have reached the ages of 8 and 10. I had to join Facebook to get background information from their American mother which is better than relying on info from English father.
The other 2 GC who live in London are getting better at using the latest technology to keep in touch .

Speldnan I feel just like you. My new grandchild was born in August in Australia and I have only seen her a couple of times on Skype. I just long to touch her and I can't imagine how we can have a proper relationship in the future. Like you I am sending monthly books (free postage through the Book Depository) and I wrote her a letter when she was born that I want her to have when she is older.

I have two other grandchildren very local to me who I see almost every day so I am very aware of what I am missing. My DIL has her family around her and she seems to stop my son from having much contact with us.

We would love to visit but no mention has been made so far. The last time we went was pretty awful with us being made to feel very unwelcome so I'm afraid we have to wait for an invitation rather than say we are coming! My heart just breaks knowing that our family is so distant to us. Families are not meant to have thousands of miles between them.

I have two DGC who live an hour and half away, two who live in Switzerland. It's the child minding crises which I find difficult. I've just had a cry for help as my DD is being sent to India whilst SIL is in Australia. It is astonishing how difficult it is to get there from Newcastle unless you go through that purgatory called Heathrow . Once the skiing flights start then it gets easier but she never seems to have a crisis then unless Newcastle airport is snowed in!

My grandson was born in the USA, lived in Mongolia for his first 4 years and has now moved to Vietnam! We first met him when he was five weeks old, then I went to help out when he's was 5 mths old and so on..... In June I did the ultimate babysitting duty by going to Vietnam at his parents expense ;).
It is hard being a long distance Granny, but using Skype means that we can keep in touch regularly and can see him growing up. Sometimes he doesn't want to chat and other times he's full of it!!
We use most of our disposable income on air fares but its worth it just to see him running towards us at the airport, it's a bit hard when we leave though!!
I send little presents in between birthdays and Christmas as I reckon if we were seeing him more regularly we would buy him books etc. .....
We have never had a Christmas with him yet though, but that is to be remedied is year when, yes you've guessed it, we are getting on a plane (again) to go to the USA for a family Christmas with the DIL's family, who we get on with really well!
But at the end of the day, it's tough, and writing this has brought me to tears .......

I have 6 grandchildren only 2 of whom live locally. 3 live in other parts of this country and 1 lives in Italy. Apart from the locals, the granddaughter I have most contact with is the one in Italy, thanks to Skype and Face Time. Sofia is only 8 months old but we 'talk' to each other regularly and I get frequent up to date pictures of her and what she's doing. It's such a joy when her little face pops up unexpectedly on the computer screen!

The family visited us for 2 weeks in the summer and I didn't find it at all easy when they first went back. Talk about empty nest syndrome! But they have their own life to live and they are well, happy and settled so I couldn't wish for any more for them - and it means we get to go to Italy every now and then!

It's hard, but in these days of instant communication and quick travel, not as hard as it once was.

I am lucky in having a grand-daughter and gd-in-law who send me regular news and photos of my four great-grand-daughters. I transfer cash from my UK bank account for birthday and Christmas presents and they send me a photo of the children playing with them. They also put them on the phone to me as soon as they are old enough and they thank their 'Nanny Noo'.
I encouraged my daughter to emigrate as I could see there was not going to be much future for her children in England - they are all very happy in NZ. I watch 'Wanted down under' and I think some of the grandparents are selfish when they use emotional blackmail to try to stop their children emigrating. As has been said - you bring up your children to be independent and adventurous so try to rejoice when they display those traits!
I am going to be joining my daughter in NZ in a couple of years (at her suggestion) but that will mean leaving another daughter, several grandchildren and all my great-grandchildren in the UK. At the moment, I am spending six weeks a year in NZ, and I will just reverse that when I emigrate. It helps that I live alone and am retired with a reasonable pension income.

We were the same Gadabout. We went to Australia in 1949 on the same scheme but I only had one living grandparent at the time and she lived in South Shields so I very rarely saw her as we lived in the South. How different things are now. I am so glad all you long-distance grandparents can keep in touch via technology so that you are not missing out on special times as your grandchildren grow up.

My parents were ten pound Poms & took us to Australia just after the War when searation really did mean separation & even making phone calls was difficult. We received letters regularly & packages of favourite comics & sweets (I can still smell the tin of Rowntrees fruit gums). I always had a very strong sense of our grandparents & felt very secure in knowing who our whole family was. Even when we came back to England we lived too far away to see one set often & the other died a few months before we got back.

Both my grandchildren, aged 3.5 and 6mths, live in California. We've been fortunate in that we've been able to see them at least once a year and in fact this year, when they come for Christmas, we'll have seen them three times since the baby was born.

We Skype, although the time difference can make it difficult, and I'm happy to say that our grandson has no doubts about who we are, he is perfectly at ease when we turn up at his home, having emerged from the computer(!) and I hope it will be the same with our granddaughter.

It does make you think, though. You encourage your children to think the world is their oyster so you can hardly be surprised when they then take themselves off to see that world!

Yes two of my little treasures live in California. I do find i get quite sad and miss them terribly.
With all this technology about, our lives are made easier.
Skype is great, as you can see everyone of your family.
While talking to my Son, i can see the antics of my Grandchildren in the background.
They always make me laugh and when their ready, i can chat to them.