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denied access

(25 Posts)
tibbs1946 Wed 23-Oct-13 20:23:46

HI im new to this site so don't know if this topic has come up, 6 years ago my daughter had a baby by her current partner until that child was 4 years old we were denied access to her (our daughter has an older daughter by her failed marriage she is now 14 we took our daughter to court and won, if anyone would like to know the full story only to happy to help and listen have been on our local tv station and in our local paper and on local radio, thanks hope to have some replies.

Flowerofthewest Wed 23-Oct-13 23:17:06

Hi tibbs, I have been denied access by my former DIL for over 5 years now although we were very much part of the children's lives. My son is also denied access by the mother although the courts 4 times have granted him access. The mother has alienated the children from him and they are now terrified of him thinking he will 'steal' them away. In fact when my son was walking toward her and the boy (8) before last Christmas she screamed at the boy to STAND AND FACE TH WALL. She is a cruel manipulative person and my son has stopped fighting for them as it traumatises the children so much every time he tries to see them. He writes every other week with no reply and keeps copies of the letters. He sends Birthday cards and gifts at Christmas also but hears nothing.

I just hope that when they are old enough to make up their own minds they will want to see their daddy. They have two little brothers (1/2 brothers) now and it is so sad that they have no relationship with them. My grandaughter is now 13 and I haven't seen her since she was 8 and not seen her little brother since he was 3. Miss them so much.

Maniac Wed 23-Oct-13 23:27:49

Would be glad to hear of your happy reunion as many of us GNs have had long periods of denied contact with grandchildren and currently have little hope of any progress

Flowerofthewest Wed 23-Oct-13 23:31:48

Ditto - would love to hear your story tibbs x

whenim64 Thu 24-Oct-13 20:57:02

Bumping this, because tibbs has probably not seen the replies.

celebgran Fri 25-Oct-13 09:41:42

Tibbs lovely you won access but you were lucky to get legal aid.

Sadly lots of us could not afford solicitors we have spend thousands getting nowhere also sadly some people like, yogagirl got thrown out at first hurdle applying for permission !

It is not easy or straightforward, if only it were, thank you for sharing your success with us though,
Sorry your relationship with daughter suffered.

tibbs1946 Fri 25-Oct-13 21:05:19

My story started when my daughters marriage failed she moved in her boyfriend after 2 days of knowing him, things were fine at first he was very good with my oldest granddaughter giving her things her own father didn't, then my daughter told us she was expecting we were pleased as we thought it was nice having another grandchild, at that time my son and his wife were not married and didnt have any children,and then that's when things went downhill, I found out something that I did not like and my daughters boyfriend then started to turn nasty with us, he did not like the close relationship my daughter and I had and was worried I would find out what was going on behind closed doors when my daughter was about 6 months gone, she used to see me on the quiet so he would not find out, then one day told us that we would not see this new baby as he did not want us to see it, we very angry as my daughter did not stand up against him, the little girl was born we did not even know the sex of the child until we saw one of her friends in the street and she told us, even though we were looking after the elder granddaughter while she went in to have the little one, we put up with this for a few years and then decided enough was enough and decided we would go to court it was the most stressful time emotional and mentally seeing your daughter that you had such a good relationship with glaring at you and hating you for what we were doing. Yes were lucky we could get legal aid we would not have been able to do it without but have never regretted it and now have a great relationship with the youngest granddaughter, the sad thing is that our son fell out with his sister when this all started and now has a lovely son of his own who she will never see that's the hard part it affects all members of the family especially our eldest granddaughter I communicate if I have to by letter to my daughter as we have not spoken properly for 10 years this is because she is being controlled by him. At first we were not allowed to send anything to either of them until we We did try to get our daughter to do mediation but to no avail as that is the first step before going to court. thank for letting me tell my story their is a load more but it would take all night to tell you.

tibbs1946 Fri 25-Oct-13 21:15:32

me again forgot to say how we managed to get access to our youngest granddaughter because she had learning and other problems my daughter tried to make excuses about that, but the judges knew I had training it that, but also that because we had seen our eldest granddaughter since birth he felt that this would be right for her as well, our daughter did everything to try and stop us going to court, another thing that helped was that we were the maternal grandparents gives u a few more rights also because my daughter couldn't give a good reason for denying us that did not help her case, and her boyfriend never turned up in court which the judge was not impressed with. would do it all again if I had to with sons child although that will never happen.

Jam8 Sun 27-Oct-13 09:57:46

I can relate to this matter so much. Its so hurtful. In my situ its my daughter who is denying access. She gave birth to our granddaughter just before her 17th birthday. We gave her the choice of what she wanted to do and that we would support her no matter what. She lived with us for over a year. It was wonderful having such close relationship with them both. She moved out when her new boyfriend who was into drugs wasn't welcome at our home. We still had a younger child at home, plus her older sister.

We still remained fairly close for many years and enjoyed access with our Granddaughter. She moved back home for several months when her relationship broke up. We were still financially supporting her when she needed it. My relationship with my daughter was sound and our granddaughter very loving.

Why she changed I do not know but she started being nasty and offhand with me and not allowing us to see our Granddaughter much whereas before she was home with us most of the time when not at school unless ill. I guess I was convenient. The way she was talking to and about me was very hurtful. Particularly when one Mothers day she said it was `Mothers Day' not Grandma's and stopped our granddaughter from giving me her usual hug and kiss. I didn't get a homemade card from our Granddaughter that year either.

After several months of bad treatment I decided to ask why. She didn't have a reason and denied that she was being nasty. Said I was being too clingy and that I was trying to make decisions about bringing up Granddaughter. Not so. I did ask at one stage as I noticed my Granddaughter was getting very developed if she had started her periods and if not if she knew about these things as I was worried it would happen while I was caring for her. Daughter said it was none of my business. Didn't want to forced anything just needed to know in case and what my daughter wanted me to say if it happened.

She got really mad when I said how hurt I was about her treatment of me. After this she denied access. We thought it would all come right after a time but it didn't.

I was told I could take daughter to court for access but didn't want to go that way as she would not like that, but after some particularly nasty treatment and her not even acknowledging her own Grandma's death (my Mum) I got mad and filled out the forms for mediation at the court and court action if needed. This made her even madder. I felt bad about it but was really desperate by then.

It has been 10 years now and my granddaughter is turning 21. If she sees us she turns away and had written years ago not to send her any notes or presents as she didn't want them or to see me.

I would still like to work this out. I am sure her Mother has put us in a bad light.

We did get access for several months but our daughter had painted us in a bad light that we could only have 1hrs access in a shopping centre cafeteria with her mother only a few tables away, and one phone call each month on an alternate week to other access. I ended up stopping the access because our Granddaughter was supposedly seeing a shrink as it upset her though she seemed quite happy to see us.

Sorry this is so long. I'd love to see and talk to her and give her something that was my Mum's for her 21st but doubt if my trying to see her would be a success. Don't know where they live unless its the same unit they (my daughter and granddaughter) were in years ago.

What does everyone feel I should do. Should I forget her, even though I can't.

Flowerofthewest Sat 01-Mar-14 10:37:54

Not sure if right thread but: Yesterday was my estranged GD's 14th Birthday. I can cope for most of the year but when the birthdays and Christmas etc come along it is difficults. We haven't seen her for over 6 years now and miss her so much. Although we have 9 other beautiful grandchildren it still doesn't take away the pain of not seeing her and her little brother.

Also her Birthday co-insides with my DH and another GD. One on 28th DH on 29th and the other GD on 1st March. Very difficult for family gathering when my DS must really feel the loss of his DD and DS.

Just though I would share. sad

glammanana Sat 01-Mar-14 14:54:59

Flowerofthewest ((hugs)) for you. x

Mishap Sat 01-Mar-14 15:14:37

How very sad. An it is interesting that even with lots of other GC these two are still in your heart. One day they will know and treasure this.

Flowerofthewest Sat 01-Mar-14 19:36:49

My DH has just delivered cards from my DM and ourselves with small gift. My son finds it so hard at these times but hopefully she will seek us out one day as will her little brother.

Sugarpufffairy Sat 01-Mar-14 23:03:34

I have been through years if only being given access to my DGC if I do what is expected of me, babysitting, giving money etc I have been a grandmother for 14 years and have only seen any of my grancildren on Christmas day twice. I used to worry about it and get upset at missing the children. Currently I have not seen one set of 2 grandchildren for nearly 6 years, and I have not seen another set of 2 grandchildren since Christmas 2013. Both of these DGC are the children of one of my children. The older two live with other relatives. The younger two live with their parents (different father to the first two) in a tiny house and they are soon to be evicted from there.
My major sin just now is that I have said that if my child and her children wanted there is a house that they could have, but this is viewed as me telling her where to live. She would rather live in Homeless Unit than take her kids to safety because no doubt that is what her partner is telling her to do. Other family have made her offers of help but that is not what the partner wants and he must be obeyed.
I am now at the stage where if DGC arrive in my line of vision they are welcomed as if there is nothing else going on but if they do not appear I do not ask for them to come. I was ill with the stress of the elder two and their situation and I am not doing that again to myself.
It is unfair and unnecessarily nasty but good luck to those silly girls who put up with manipulative partners. This Granny will not be bullied.

seasider Thu 22-May-14 09:38:07

There is something on THis Morning today about grandparents denied access to their grandchildren.

whenim64 Thu 22-May-14 10:10:09

Thanks, seasider. Should be worth watching.

whenim64 Thu 22-May-14 10:34:13

It's on at 11.30 am.

whenim64 Thu 22-May-14 10:49:36

It's on now, too!

whenim64 Thu 22-May-14 11:02:04

Viewers calls are at 11.30. The couple who were on talked about the children not having contact with their cousins as well as themselves, and having memories about their dad to share that won't come from elsewhere, plus things like deceased father's train set to hand down.

whenim64 Thu 22-May-14 11:58:23

These are the helplines that Denise Robertson referred to:

junebug Wed 04-Jun-14 21:27:48

Sharing a link that might be helpful:

Yogagirl Sun 28-Sep-14 20:47:38

I'm amazed to find this thread, to see Celebgran on here, so sorry to hear your sad story Flowerofthewest (are you a bellydancer?, as there is a troupe called 'flowers of the East'! I'm now going back to read all the post, only read the first three.

Yogagirl Sun 28-Sep-14 21:36:44

Oh Tibbs what a terrible story,10yrs! OMG! Your story is so like mine in parts, owing to my going to court, my once loving D now hates me, I don't know how, after having a close & loving relationship with her for 23yrs (even being telepathic) that this could happen, almost 2yrs now, I could cry right this minute! I really messed up in court, did it all myself, not a good idea, paper work no problem, but in court, facing a Judge, one needs a barrister. I went three times, first they didn't show, second they objected to visitation rights and third it was thrown out (before getting to the big, deciding court hearing) Each time a different Judge, last one no empathy at all, believing all the lies & deceit, I would guess she wasn't a mother by her attitude.
Oh Jam8 how awful for you. I had a very close & special bond with my GD as she and her mother (my D) lived with me before her stepdad came along, I was cut out because he & his mother were jealous of our close bond and the one I thought I had with my D. I do try to forget my D&GC, but I just can't, I think about them all the time & that's the problem, if only I could forget!
Yes Flowerofthewest the anniversaries are very painful!
flowers for you all, how our D can be so cruel to us their mothers, I really don't know, & the solution, I don't know that either, I've given up hope sad

Yogagirl Sun 28-Sep-14 21:52:33

I've always been a very healthy person, never believing in anti-depressants
or sleeping pills and now I have both in my hand to swallow before bed, albeit the homoeopathic ones sad

Smileless2012 Mon 29-Sep-14 12:04:01

Thanks to Yogagirl I've just found this thread and see that it was originally started in October of last year. I first came on Gransnet last October on the 'Cut out of their lives 2' thread, now on number 3, so I'm wondering how you're doing now tibbs. I do hope that your situation has improved, that your D has accepted she has a problem and has found the help she needs.

It's so upsetting read thesadstories that have been shared here.

Yes Yogagirl and Flowerofthewest anniversaries are very difficult to deal with. It will be 2 years ago tomorrow since we last saw our dear, and only gc. only 8 months old then.

It's been so long since you posted on here tibbs I hope you'll come back on and let us all know how things are going.

My heart goes out to all who suffer in this wayflowersfor you all.