Maternal vs Paternal Granny

I have 3 daughters. They all see more of their MiL's than they do me due to the huge distances involved. I do occasionally get a bit upset, especially when I see photos of the jolly 'family' times they are all having together but I am happy that the girls all have a good relationship with their respective in-laws.and have the necessary help when required. I am visiting DD1 for the past week and was looking forward to taking the 3 year old to his pre-school party and having a chance to bonding, yet again, with him but the other GM turned up and came with us, so obviously he held her hand and wanted her to take off his coat etc... I was a bit miffed at losing that opportunity,but heh, c'est la vie, and it's not worth getting het up - life's too short. I have the same problem in Oz when I feel the OGM should take a step back occasionally and give me a chance!

We grandparents "up north" definitely feel surplus to requirements with our son's family. My DiL's parents live round the corner and are at their house every day, are very involved in child care and help out on numerous occasions. Fair enough.
We live 3+ hours away and are still working so can't offer the same level of support. However. it does feel that any offers I make, to help with buying clothes, making party cakes, whatever, are really not wanted. At least they do Skype sometimes at the weekend.
All I can do is hope that, when the girls are older, we will be able to build a different sort of relationship with them, and offer experiences that they won't have otherwise.

I guess you'll have to accept the situation for what it is. What I have found with mine is that, although I don't see my grandchild as much as I'd probably like, I do ask my son to send regular photos, which he does.

I have a situation where dil has weekly visits from her mother and they speak on the phone every day. My son is a man of few words and we get on but have had about 4 in depth conversations since he was 17. He is now 46.

I am in contact mostly by email with my own daughter but actually see less and less of her as children get into their teens.DIL seems to think I don't give as much time to my son as to my daughter and I should give equal time (????) I am always ready to step in when asked, have never refused.

Bottom line - get that smile pasted on for the duration. Invite when you can, volunteer when you can but don't antagonise by complaining as dil holds all the cards - what the paternal granny gets to do she gets to do and you will have to accept.

I'm feeling really quite anxious about this as first GS due anytime. I get on really well with my DIL but at the baby shower last weekend her mother made it very clear where she thinks I fit in. We live 3hrs away and she lives 1.5hrs. We're both retired. I've told son and DIL that I'm happy to travel and help whenever they need me but only when asked, I don't want to interfere but MIL has very strong views did should come first. I really want to enjoy this time as both my sons were really close to their grandparents but it doesn't look promising especially as DIL doesn't like coming "North "

I would hope not , but it depends on the MiL ! My daughter lives 30 miles away and her MiL lives around the corner from her, and yet has gone to their new house only once since they ,moved in last April !

It was DGD 3rd Birthday party two weeks ago , and I and DD posted photos on FB - ( she was at said party and didn't take any..) she went through all our photos, didn't 'like' any with DGD in, but chose to like, tag and share my photo of her daughters little girl - without event mentioning it was at DGDs party ! No wonder my DD has given up on her ..

My DGS lives in Berlin but I message and skype them all the time

My son's ex and DGS live near by but my DS now lives 60 miles away. He is a great dad who does the round trip twice a week to see his son. His ex controls all contact and is totally inflexible. Recently we all went away to a caravan with other DGC but she was insistent DGS was back on Sunday though we were staying until Monday ( bank holiday). DS will not stand up to her as he is scared she will withhold contact. I bite my tongue and remain friendly and offer to babysit and meet up with her and DGS in the holidays because whatever happens she is the mother of my DGS. I had not seen her for a while and the last time I dropped DGS off she was quite keen to make arrangements to meet up. I was worried because we were held up in traffic and half an hour past his specified return time ( I did ring her). If DS had been late back she would not have been amused!

It's not always down to how near you live either. I live 150 miles away from DD her mother in law lives 10 mins walk or 2 mins away in the car. However MIL is 91 (although very fit) and since she was widowed when grandchildren were babies has a very full social life with many friends and sees her grandchildren for short visits but is not in a position to do much hands on stuff, she finds them exhausting. I see them for weekends or longer at a time and have always babysat and look after them to a greater degree but am 30 years younger than MIL and still work almost full time.

My daughter and I have always been close even more so since I divorced her very difficult controlling father and as she had twins she needed a great deal of help. MIL is much older because my daughter married a man 16 years older than herself. I have no problem with that, I like him but it explains the age difference between us a bit.

I'm sure we see more of our grand children than we might have done because my son has been at home for 8 years as the main carer. He does ring the maternal grand parents for help but I know we get more calls than we would do if DiL was at home. We have become very good friends with the other grand parents and see them once a week - our children are finding it difficult to cope with us ganging up on them.

I used to see my DGC every day as my DD lived close by (9 miles) and does not drive. Her DH was in the RN and spent months at a time away at sea. I was chief taxi driver taking the little ones to Nursery school. Her MiL lived about the same distance away and visited them once a week on average. Since they moved to Scotland, things have changed somewhat. My SiL mum is able to visit more often than me which pleases me as the GC are getting to know her really well now, and are more comfortable with her.

Am feeling truly blessed that DD who lives very close by with husband and grandchildren and we see them frequently and have DGd every Monday after school and now during the holidays also DS and DiL who live other side of town and keep us fully involved with DGd2 I know it`s not the same for everyone and to you all

It also depends on circumstance, my son lives abroad and he and his lovely partner presented us with our 8th Grandchild a year ago. They met where they live now which is where all her family are and I'm very happy that it seems all her family are involved in the upbringing of this grand little boy. They keep all the family here in the UK up to date with FB messages and photos of all the important happenings in the little ones life and there is an open invite for us to visit as often as we can.

Of course cost of flights prevents more than a couple of visits a year and I was included in all the family occasions when I was there, the maternal grandma so obviously(to me) took a step back when I was there allowing more time for me to get to know the little one but she happily joined me in proudly pushing the pram around when out and about. I am glad my son has all their support when he can't have mine/ours.

I bought this matter up last year. I just thought that the mother was more likely to ask her mother first for most things, advice , child care etc. I know there are always exceptions. Just that the daughter would feel more comfortable asking her own mother before her mother-in-law, even if they all get on like a house on fire. Also a paternal mother-in-law would perhaps be more reticent in these matters then she would with her own daughter. At the moment I'm a MIL with a wonderful relationship with my DIL and she does ask me for advice and help. Hopefully my daughter will one day settle down and have children [not holding my breath here] and I will see from another perspective.

I think that during the first few years of having a baby, new mothers can tend to get isolated from their friends who are at different life stages to them. Added to that all of my friends (hopefully most women) consider their mums as more of a friend and confidant as they grow older. So I think in cases where gc see maternal gm more regularly it has just as much to do with the daughter needing the mother/daughter friendship as it is about seeing gc.

I think it's perfectly natural that my 2 DiL's turn to their own family first. It does hurt a bit. One is much worse than the other but that's down to her personality. My 2 sons would never allow their wives to stop me seeing the children. On the other hand my own daughter tried very hard to get close to her MiL. She wanted and expected the same kind of relationship that she had experienced between myself and her granny(my MiL) but it was not to be. I think her lack of support and criticism played a small part in the marriage breakdown. Families, who'd have em? We would ! so we muddle through as best we can. I try really hard not to take things for granted because of my experience around family estrangement because of my daughters controlling ex partner. It's easy to think it 'could never happen in my family' (my family & friends described us as *the waltons*) but believe me it can happen to any family and the pain is truly terrible.

One advantage, however, to her lack of communication is that my DS (who usually gets put in the background) and I have grown closer recently because my DD is not getting my attention all the time, as usual.

I agree Nonnie. My DG have no other GP at all apart from me. Their paternal GP are both deceased and my ex husband hasn't had anything to do with his DD for about 13 years now so I am a lone GP.

Nevertheless, they have ostracised me from their family, by my DD really because I dared to comment that they had not included me anywhere in their upcoming wedding, regardless of all the help, advice and financial input I have given. I needn't have done since she was working and should be able to stand on her own two feet a bit more now, but no, I paid for virtually all the nursery goods.

I normally back down and apologise to keep the peace and to be able to see my DGC but I'm sticking to my guns this time. I have been really hurt.

So no competition at all in my life with DGP's. Just a very self centred and ungrateful DD.

I'd be more than happy to share with the paternal grandparents DH and I do childcare at least 4 days a week which involves nursery and school runs, SALT appointments etc. Unfortunately the other GPs are in Germany. I do make a point of not contacting DD when they are over so that they can spend as much time as possible with DGC.

I don't think its the grandparents who compete I think it is down to the mother of the children. Some wives just can't cope with another woman being in their husband's lives and use the children to deprive their MiL and cause trouble.

It is so easy for those who are not in this situation and it must be hard for them to understand how it feels but when you have done everything to be kind and thoughtful and then get this undeserved treatment it is very hard.

How sad that this has versus in the title

As others have said, often it's just circumstance that makes it appear that the paternal MiL is more involved, plus it's just the natural way things are with DiL's turning to their own parents.

I see more of my DD's family, even though she's further away than DS. Mainly because she's more organised and we can arrange things!!

My DiL's mother childminds once a week, so has a closer relationship with my DS's children. I'm grateful that she is able to do that to help them out.

I think it's natural to feel a little pushed out/left out, but weighing everything up, as long as the DGCs are loved and cared for, does it really matter?

Not in this family. My mother has four girls, she was a pretty dreadful mother and even worse grandmother. She flatly refused to help in any way. She said she had done her bit (we would beg to differ). We were lucky, we have several marriages between us, but in every one we have had lovely mother-in-laws.

Now, my daughter lives less than ten minutes away from her MiL by car, I am three hours away, and I am so pleased that she has a wonderful MiL. She has the children a couple of days a week if needed, coming to their house, and they visit her every Saturday. The children often stay the night, too. She has looked after my daughter when she was ill, which meant that I didn't have to go haring down the motorway. I send her chocolates at Christmas, because I am so thankful that she makes my daughter's life easier. (2 part-time jobs, 2 small children and 4 years through a law degree)

My daughter, who used to live nearby, has now moved and is equidistant to both sets of parents. This week my eldest grandson is with his other granny and, because he is poorly, the youngest arrived here for 'emergency care' last night and will stay until the end of the week. During the summer childcare is more or less evenly matched between me and the paternal granny. My daughter is happy for both sets of grandparents to be as involved as we want to be and there is no rivalry between us. In fact my eldest grandson has so many grandparents he actually has one for every day of the week and my daughter falls over backwards to ensure that we all feel included in his life in some way.

I forgot to say that I'm the paternal nana to my littlest gd, her materrnal grandparents both work, I'm retired so more available.

I always welcomed all the help I could get with raising children. If my son's MIL gets to see more of the soon-come new baby than I do, I think I will simply feel grateful for the young couple that they're getting all the help they need and take my turn when it comes. No rivalry and I shan't be keeping score.

I agree with Aka in that it depends on a host of things. When my children were small, my mother was a single woman with 3 children and I was the only one who lived near her, whereas my MIL had 6 children, 2 still at home and was in a relationship with a demanding man. So my kids (and I) spent a lot more time with my mother when they were small than what we did with my MIL. I also hung around with my mom a lot because I married a golfer! So it worked well for all concerned. I can't imagine what it would have been like trying to balance spending equal time with each grandma.

and she's mine love it!