Who pays ?

I don't look after any of my gc's as they all live too far away, however they do come to stay for days on end with their parents. I have 2 here right now and my shopping bills have trebled and I think I may have to get the decorators in when they have gone , but it is lovely to be able to feed and house them and buy little extras. This week is our village festival so they have been to lots of events which mount up along with ice creams/comics/books etc.... Luckily, I am able to afford to do so. I wouldn't want or be expected to be a weekly or daily carer for them - been there, done it, got the T-shirt - but obviously if there was a crisis I would be there like a shot. I admire those who do and have the fortitude and patience to carry on week after week and if I was in that position I think a small remuneration would be acceptable whether it was in cash or the odd bottle of wine and flowers. My DD's MiL has the children one day a week but on the understanding that if she goes on holiday or needs to be somewhere else that day, then the children have an extra day in the nursery or Mum/Dad have to take the day off.

number, I agree with mishap's latest post. Never frowned upon - whatever works for each family is obviously right!

numberplease- certainly not frowned on by me- it made perfect sense for them to pay you this 'minimum' wage to compensate you- totally.

Personally I would never look after my grandchildren on a day to day basis- and that was always clear with my daughters. I truly do not believe it is the job of grand-parents to bring kids up (unless a disaster happens- and we would, without hesitation). Daugher numero uno knows I'd be on the next plane if she needed me- and that the GC will always be welcome her for weeks at a time- but not on a weekly or day to day basis. Just like I would have never ever expected my parents to look after our kids- but they helped out on many occasions. Some of our friends both here and in the UK look after their grand-children day in day out- and are told they are not allowed to go on holiday, etc. I am not a selfish person, at all- but really it is not the job of grand-parents to bring up kids on a daily basis- unless there are very strong reasons why this is necessary- and of course, unless grand-parents really want to do this.

Oh no - not frowned on! Everyone's circumstances are different, and families must decide what works for them.

The first time I looked after grandchildren was over 20 years ago, and as I gave up a part time job in order to do it, my daughter and SIL paid me what I`d been earning, which was just over £22 a week. After that, over the years, my kids have paid me a small amount, to give me a bit of money for myself, and it was still a heck of a lot less than they`d have paid an official childminder. In fact, our son`s wife said that if I hadn`t been looking after grandson, she couldn`t have afforded to go back to work. We`re not well off, so I didn`t feel guilty about accepting a tiny wage from them, but I`m beginning to feel frowned on after reading all these posts.

Very much depends on their circumstances and yours. If they are struggling, despite being careful and working hard, and you are very comfortable- then that is fine. But whatever the circumstances, being taken for granted, be it for childcare, or any other kind of help- is bound to grate after a while ans you should try and find a good time to broach the subject and discuss this. I would find it hurtful if my support, in whatever way, was not acknowledged in some way or other.

The way we look at it is, as long as we have a better income than them then we will continue to help them out financially. My daughter buys me the odd small gift. We took them all to Wagamama's yesterday for lunch and she always worries when the children want dessert, in case it puts the bill up higher than we expected. She can't afford to take them out much herself, but is very aware of how much they are costing us. She brings over bits and pieces of food to help out, I think I would be miffed too if I felt taken for granted. Her MiL does a lot of childcare for her and she buys her chocolates and SiL takes MiL shopping and pays for it all from time to time.

I get in the things I know my grandchildren like and if there are things left over that I know won't get used here, I send them home with the goodies. If we make cakes, the remainder go home in the tin for them to share. In return, By way of a 'thank you' I occasionally get an afternoon tea treat, an invite to stop over and enjoy a night out together, and they often include me on holidays. It works out nicely and no money changes hands.

papaoscar that's a very important point! Ours are still young enough to come with their parents whenever they come visits and to (mostly) be in when we stay with them but sleepovers and sports and other commitments are already beginning to affect this. We're making the most of it while we can.

When my Mum used to mind my children many years ago, I took things they liked with me and just told her I knew she didn't buy so and so usually. Maybe turn things around and say the children seem to like things you don't buy so maybe she could drop some off when she brings the children.

Interesting subject. I think that most of us do whatever we can to help our families out in whatever ways we can without expecting any recompense. However I do know that some families tend to abuse that and grandparents can often end up as being no more than unpaid child minders.

Our challenge is that we live quite far away and when we visit them these days the grandchildren will often be otherwise occupied, out, or away on sleepovers etc., which has made us wonder why we bother to visit at all. They do occasionally visit us but the complexity of their lives and school holidays makes such visits infrequent.

DD would often say thank you, bring in some shopping, help around the house and other small ways to show her appreciation but that's just her anyway.

Thanks Mum and a cuddle go a long way but if things had been financially tight I would have told her I needed some help towards shopping.

We have looked after younger DGS 3 days a week for last 3 years and elder one after school as well. DD offered food initially but we knew she was very strapped for cash so refused. Her (thankfully now ex) husband saw us as free child care which rankled a bit when he wanted payment for plumbing work. For her sake DH didn't explode and now we provide holiday care which can be pricey. If money was tight then I would ask DD to contribute but we appreciate the odd bottle of wine / flowers etc. Perhaps generally DDs and DSs just don't think that their own parents might need help.

I think that whatever age they are our children tend to think that mums purse has an endless amount of money in it [and I always seem to be the only one carrying cash if we go anywhere, young people these days don't seem to do so]. My ex husband [their dad] helps me out financially and that money is regarded, by me as money to help them, but without that I would be living on a very small pension and any money spent on childcare [food/petrol etc] would mean I'd have to cutback on other things. As has been said, all cases are different but the important thing is to feel appreciated which doesn't have to come as money or presents; even a thank you, or a nice comment in a birthday/Christmas card is enough.

I couldn't have put it better myself. phoenix

DIL offers money for 'entertainment' if we go anywhere or out for lunch but we don't tend to spend much generally and I always refuse.
Perhaps when they are older and costs go up.

Clearly I am in the minority of having some form of payment from our son for travel, childcare and entertainment costs.

I should have mentioned that DH and myself both work for our son 'free'
me about 1 day a week and DH about 4/5 days.

We are treated out to meals and shows and given NT Sub to thank us for this, which is very nice.

I agree phoenix [

PS Re the above, it also seems more "thoughtful" if you know what I mean?

I don't agree Nonu ! It could feel awkward handing over cash, but the odd box of cereal, 6 packs of fromage frais etc handed over with a casual "I noticed this was on special offer, so I thought I'd get some for you" is different.

FOOD-- MONEY.

Same difference,!!

I have re-read the OP and I don't think Nina was asking for actual payment as some posters seem to have implied.She was suggesting that it would be appreciated if her DD provided some food occasionally and on that I would totally agree.

We are doing the same kitty. DD and the girls have been with us for a good part of the week for the last year but stayed here permanently for the last six weeks.

On Monday, DD and her girls will be moving into their own house, walking distance to school and living next to their friends and DD will need every penny to do this. Unknown to her, we will be returning her 'keep' money and very happy to do so.

It has been hectic and chaotic at times but our orderly tidy house will feel quite empty without them although happily, they are only 15mins drive away

Think we will just give it her back when she moves out bags. She will be glad of it then I suspect!

Suggestion for kitty: if you don't need the money, invest it for the GCs.