Gransnet forums


Being kept in the dark :-(

(13 Posts)
nannynoo Thu 25-Sep-14 13:26:54

I know I have been busy moving and settling in to my new home BUT of course at the moment I still have concerns about / think about my DGS who is in the care system..

Everything I have been doing ie getting myself well , concentrating on ME rather than my DD's problems which gets me down and getting the house ready etc is so that I am nearly THERE ie able to have my DGS stay with me

Thing is SS are not responding to my calls , texts , voicemails or even e-mails now!

I have totally been left in the dark!!! :-(

I AM still interested in having him and am sure they know that but because of the distance between myself and my DD now I do not find out ANY information about what is happening re my DGS

I don't even know if it is going to court or what the outcome of the pre court meeting was!

I have asked for separate visitation due to the hostility and friction between myself and my DD now and I want the visits to be HAPPY visits for all concerned , they have not told me if this would be possible or sorted it out yet and I have only JUST found out because I read a txt from my DD that my DGS is being placed in foster care in the next few days!

I know NOTHING about the foster carer/s where they are , visitation arrangements there etc and no one is letting me know

My DD's txt was just matter of fact and am not sure if she wants me to have him anyway as she is still angry with me for being honest with SS and ''ruining her chances of getting him back'' but I don't agree with lying in order for him to be returned and SS aren't stupid

I just WISH the SW would contact me and keep me up to date rather than keep me in the dark , she knows I am not in communication with my DD so would have no information about the plans for my DGS and I only just about found out he is going into foster care about 10 minutes ago!

I already rang the respite centre re arranging separate visitation and they did not let me know either!!

I just sent a txt to the SW asking her to get in touch with me TODAY but we will see if that happens and I can't help feeling that even though I am doing my best everything I do is working against me ie asking for separate visits and missing the visit due to my move plus not wanting a visit full of friction or hostility in front of my DGS

First I was being told I was too close to my DD and now that I am not it is not working in my favour either!!!

At least if the SW informs me that new visits will start soon at the foster carers home , where it is and if I can visit him on my own that is a start and we can work from there but to not even know what is going on is unacceptable and is not good for my well being again as was getting to a really GOOD place and this just puts me into upset and stress and worry mode again! :-( :-( :-(

I just feel I am being pushed out of this whole process now!!!

nannynoo Thu 25-Sep-14 14:14:06

I think the problem lies with my DD not recognising she needs help

She thinks it is going to be ''easy'' to get her son back and that she won't have to do any ''work'' on herself in order to do so

She does not think it will be necessary for me to step in and care for my DGS

nannynoo Thu 25-Sep-14 18:43:07

My older DD says the younger DD is doing well

I am glad of course but am sad to say I do not trust her

I have seen her relapse time and time again

If she does the real work then everything will be fine

I am sorry to say my concern is SS giving my DGS back to her and then her relapsing again and I do NOT want that to be the ''pattern''

I know it is not always permanent but I do want her to do some permanent work so that this NEVER happens again - I do NOT want my DGS to go through what he has been through already ie being around a Mum who drinks and I do want to protect him from that!

Seems everyone else thinks she is fine and doing fine and everything will be fine

I have my doubts unfortunately

Even when SS put him on the child in need plan I felt it was too soon so I asked what happens if my DD drinks again ( at which point she kicked me under the table! ) and that is when they told me I had to be there which I was as long as POSSIBLE but I don't actually want him in that enviroment even if I am there!!!

Please hope they ensure she does the work needed first and gets the real help she needs but also that she admits she needs help which I do not think she is at the point of yet

She is very charming and can ''wangle'' her way out of anything but I do not think it will be good for my DGS if she simply wangles her way out of this as it is SERIOUS

Alcoholism is not a minor illness and it can pop it's ugly head up again at any time even without a trigger

Anyway it seems like I am the baddy right now but I am thinking about my Grandson and his future and I want my DD permanently well before she has him back

SS seem pleased with her so far but I don't trust this illness and it is very deceptive xx

nannynoo Thu 25-Sep-14 18:48:48

Her 'friend' got her son back and as soon as she did she went straight back to drinking HARD , it was like ''mission accomplished'' I can relax now which she certainly did but I felt and feel so sorry for that little boy! :-(

nannynoo Thu 25-Sep-14 18:50:31

I am still getting nasty cruel texts from her , so she doesn't seem that 'well' to me x

Yogagirl Sun 28-Sep-14 22:06:48

Hi nannynoo
So sorry to hear about your sad plight! I wish you well, goodluck & the strength to help your GS & your DD flowers
Sounds like SS are being very unhelpful & evasive with you confused

nannynoo Wed 01-Oct-14 17:10:00

Hiya , not quite in the dark any more thankfully

I sent SS an e-mail asking them to contact me and giving an update of where I was at etc

They wrote straight back this time!!! shock

They arranged a meeting at my new house today

I don't know if it went well but I think it did lol

My DGS is with a foster family now and I did request separate visitation but they said if I was to have that my visits would only be once a month so I said NO , will just have to develop thicker skin!

They are looking to return my DGS to my DD , so they said they don't want to place him here temporarily only for another change to take place but IF it does not work out him being returned then they would look at my assessment again

My concern is they return him to early and my DD goes back on the drink again sad

But at least if I am considered as plan B then if things do go wrong they should hopefully place him with me rather than back into foster care

I am doing everything they ask and more but there are still some minor issues to sort out eg my DGS loved staying over at weekends so much that if I suggest even going to the zoo or fun fair or even his favourite place ie Macdonalds he is NOT having it , he is just content to be at my place and play and be indoors for the weekend and as he has special needs he does not like a change in his routine and it distresses him - I didn't want to FORCE him to go to Macdonalds , it is not necessary as such , but SS said I would not be able to get him to school which I WOULD as THAT is VITAL!!!

Like brushing his teeth and having a bath or a haircut or visiting the dentist the vital things HAVE to be done whether he likes it or not but to FORCE him out of the house when he is happy and content where he is with him screaming and distressed I don't know if it is worth it to be honest!!!

I had plans for his Aunty and Uncles to come over and take us out which he would prefer and once settled in and bored enough he WILL go out it was just I was in a situation where he could not visit me for a whole year so when he DID again he did NOT want to leave bless him xx

Anyway will explain this to SS and everything else pretty much seems ok , but we will just have to see what happens now re my DD's drinking as she is STILL drinking at the moment as family report back to me and it is a pity she wants me to LIE to SS because that is just NOT going to happen as I think she is still in denial about her drinking which is not a good place recovery wise , so will just have to see what happens and be patient as 2 hours once a week isn't enough and his room is ready and looking adorable but there are some practicalities to look into which I do agree with but I know I can do the necessary things and more to ensure my DGS is safe , happy and at peace at all times smile

Good thing is I am happy and at peace now so am sure that is a good thing x

nannynoo Wed 01-Oct-14 17:25:03

I hate to think I was an 'enabler' before sad but that is certainly not the case now and never will be!!!

magpie123 Wed 01-Oct-14 17:38:17

Hope everything works out for you and your family in the future. flowers

nannynoo Thu 02-Oct-14 01:12:14

Thank you Magpie123 , it has been a long road and still is

Things are still difficult

It is not a ''normal'' situation but I hope things get back to normal at some point soon , that mostly depends on my DD getting the help and support she needs and recognising / admitting she has a problem which I hope will happen as of course I want her to get help and recover fully as I miss my ''well'' DD and she is definitely ill at the moment unfortunately and taking everything out on me unfortunately so I hope it calms down soon too

nannynoo Sat 04-Oct-14 03:01:55

I am feeling a lot better and trying to keep things in perspective

I have done my best with SS which is all I can do

Am looking forward to seeing my DGS tomorrow for 2 precious hours at a contact centre but at least I get to MEET the foster carer when she drops him off

My DD may or may not be hostile towards me tomorrow but I will have to be prepared for that and I won't be hostile towards her

I am getting on with my life , my counsellor says I am doing very well and is going to sign me off in a couple of weeks and SS have asked for a report from her which should be very positive

Extended family have been brilliant and SO supportive which is great and will always help in the future

I LOVE my new home and the peace and serenity there and I am enjoying doing the little touches to it and will start going out more and socialising soon , taking up exercise , visiting my other DD and DGD much more , giving up smoking , well switching to the e-cigs soon , getting out and about more and looking after myself in general as it has been a difficult 7 months the most difficult of my life and I need some pleasurable and therapeutic activities eg massages and to feed my soul and keep myself in my good place as much as I possibly can! And joy , and LAUGHING again , some real sustained laughter would be nice even under the circumstances and I have to trust that things will work out well for us soon and it will be ok

nannynoo Sun 05-Oct-14 01:16:28

Went to visit my Uncle and cousins today and they were SO lovely and supportive and we spent a lovely evening together and even laughed together , it was so therapeutic and even their lovely dog was tender and soppy with me and I got plenty of wet kisses!!!

Am going to visit my other DD on Monday and so looking forward to that , it has helped getting out and about more and doing normal stuff

And am going to concentrate on doing some nice things for my home next week x

nannynoo Wed 08-Oct-14 19:25:29

One thing I have asked myself today is was I too close to my DGS???

The answer came back ''NO''

I just wondered if I was too involved or too close to him as I saw him REGULARLY , looked after him regularly , loved having him at my house for weekends and school holidays etc and vice versa

My DD did need extra support simply for being a single Mum with an Autistic little boy , it is hard and you do need a break from time to time or some ''respite'' so I was happy to do that as a family is a ''team'' :-)

IF she wasn't drinking my DGS would still be here with me for weekends and school holidays etc , he would have seen my new house , his room , the garden , things would just be ''carrying on as normal''

The ABNORMALITY of this situation is due to my DD's alcoholism , him being separated from us is due to my DD's alcoholism , so NO I wasn't ''too close'' to my DGS it was a NORMAL loving relationship with him feeling comfortable and at home at Nannys house , regularly staying over and adoring his Nanny , the love hasn't changed , the circumstances have and I know for SURE everything would be ''continuing as normal'' if my DD wasn't drinking with him staying over etc and LOTS of contact

I just hope and look to it returning to that some time soon , coz ''normal'' was GOOD and regular and consistent and relaxed and secure and HAPPY!!

I think sometimes things have to go full circle until you get back to normal or make progress , a lot learnt , wiser , see things clearer , it's like going back to the start and starting again but from a healthier more forward place! xx