How do I cope?

Lellyb, I can't help much, other than just to say that I think you're doing the right thing by giving her space for the moment, especially as she has a bit of history in dabbling with substances. I'm sure that within a short time on the thread that you'll have some good support from well-informed people on here.

hello LellyB , and welcome.

You say that this your daughter in law, where is her husband/your son in this situation?

Awful situation LellyB. You can only wait to hear from her I think, as you have tried all the other routes to finding her.

Sorry to hear about this situation - it must be worrying for you. You seem to have pursued all the right channels and gthere seems litle else you can do.

You are in a situation where you need to have one eye to the fears over your dear GDs and another to not alienating your DIL and creating a situation where you are completely cut off from things and cannot be there for them.

Not an easy path to tread and I feel for you.

lellyb
Do you know which school you GCs went to before? If so I would suggest you make contact with the head teacher and ask to go and discuss your concerns, about the circumstances in which they left and the worries about why your DD might have left, (including the possible drug use) and not told anyone where she was going.

Does the former school know where they have gone? The school should be concerned that the children have left so suddenly as they have duty of care and leaving suddenly as in the manner they did does not sound good.

Do you know if the social services for their previous address have had any contact before over her lifestyle or the children's well being?

As far as I know both schools should keep a record when a child changes school in order to ensure that the child is enrolled again and for child protection reasons does not just disappear out of the school system without trace.

If they have gone suddenly and are not yet re registered at a new school their might well be a delay in passing information back to the previous school, but it should be followed up.

You seem to have reason to think your daughters associates and your daughters lifestyle might prove not to be very good for your grand children's well being.

The previous school may be able to make contact with a receiving school or alert schools in the area about your concerns.

They probably will not tell you where the children are but they really should check the situation to ensure the children are safe and well.

If the school refuses to take any action or ignores your concerns, I would try the NSPCC. They will pass on details and concerns to the Education and Children's services in the area who should make effort to see if the children are registered at a school.
It seems that without an address trying to find out where they might be is down to getting school records.
Good luck with this.

What a horrible situation to be in lellyb I can't offer much more than sympathy I'm afraid. nelliemoser 's advice sounds very sensible but I think you will have to be treading on eggshells till you find out exactly what's going on.

All Nelliemosers's advice sounds right. Does she use Facebook? Do you know any of her friends locally that may be in contact. Just a couple of ideas. Keep strong. Thinking of you.

Is their father still alive? Surely he would have the right to be told where his children are .

Does she own the house she has left, or rent it? Either way, there would be arrangements that would have to be made if she doesn't intend to come back wouldn't there? I think you need to wait. Keep in touch with text messages. Or why not ring her and find out what's going on? Keep it friendly though.

I would text your DiL offering to have the children for a few days while she "gets herself sorted" Lellyb . She might just take up the offer if she really does "have a lot to do" and that way you can hopefully find out where they are and what's going on. Try not to prejudge her actions and stay on her good side (no matter what you might be thinking deep down) . Good luck.

Thank you everyone for your advice and care.

I'll try to respond to some of the questions. She and my son never got married, and they split up four years ago and she came to the uk from Australia (where they lived) to make a new life, leaving my son behind. She has blocked all his attempts to keep in contact with his daughters.
I bought a house for her and the girls (but it's in my name - not hers), so that she and the gds could have a stable, family home. I've spent a great of time and money supporting them and bought all the clothing/shoes etc for my gds, paid for holidays, meals out etc just so they could have a normal life and share in our good fortune. I even paid for her to go back to australia when her mum was terminally ill, and took time off work to care for the gds so she could do this.
I've never criticised her or her attitude towards my son and have never taken sides saying it's their business not mine. We have had close and regular contact with the GDs and have welcomed them and her into our lives with lots of love and affection for all of them.
We never visited her without her agreement, and even though I have a house key I never went in when she wasn't there.
So all in all, we have treated with love, affection and respect for her privacy and right to live her life without interference.
As for the authorities, as mentioned I've hit a brick wall - at least in the short term and am praying that my gds will be safe in the meantime. At the moment I can contact her and her boyfriend on facebook, but am taking a circumspect attitude to contact I.e., sending a 'hello, how are you all' text a couple of times thus far - nothing more that could be interpreted negatively by her.
I now have to clear up the carnage she has left in her house, and have to go through the heartbreak of sorting through the gds things. Ive also got to sort out the utilities and council tax stuff not knowing what dates she has given them (assuming she's done that - which I greatly doubt).

Despite all of this, I can't get angry which is something that would help me deal with all this. I just don't know why she would treat us in this way- two people that opened their hearts and provided love and shelter without question. All this makes me doubt who I am and whether my values and beliefs are wrong. Perhaps I'm just too soft hearted and gullible?

What a wonderful person you are Lellyb! Such ingratitude is appalling! I suspect that when the dust settles she will realize that she still needs and wants you in her life. All you can do is try to determine that the GCs are all right and wait for her to make contact.
I do hope this situation resolves itself quickly.

Update: I got a text from her blasting at me for setting the school on to her and that she now had to deal with that and everything else. She seems to have no appreciation of our concerns that it's not usual behaviour to move out so quickly, leaving a house looking like a squat, and ripping two little girls from schools and to think a couple of texts will settle any fears we have. I have pointed out in reply that the texts could have been from any of her druggie contacts who had taken them in repayment of a drug debt or even a murderer and all it would have taken was for here to spend five minutes face to face or on the phone to prevent all this grief. She's even accused me of wanting to see the girls so I could interrogate them. That's really hurtful and insulting because I wouldnt put a seconds worth of worry in their little heads for all the money in the world.
Anyway, I have only responded in a calm and conciliatory way, and have reiterated that it's all to do with our care and love for them all, and that she knows where we are should she need us. I can't see what else there is to do other than wait and see and when my son arrives in the uk, help him to get access to the girls and hope they come to no harm in the meantime.

Thank you shysal for all your kind words

It's very worrying that two young children can drop off the radar like this. One wonders how much would have to go wrong for anyone to take an interest.

I think you are just going to have to bend over backwards to appear non threatening and supportive rather than risk losing touch with them all together.

They haven't really dropped off the radar though, have they? They are with their mum. Perhaps she had had enough living in someone else's house, so she left taking her children with her. It's not as though she has walked out on her children. Maybe she is looking for some kind of independence. I don't want to sound rude here, but it was your son she took up with lellyb, not you.

I know it must be worrying for you, but you do seem to be in touch. I think you need to wait. Perhaps she will come back to the house, or at least bring the children to see you once she has decided just where she wants to live.

Of course, once your son does come back to the uk, I'm sure he will do his utmost to see his children.

Good luck with it all.

Lelly I take my hat off to you for being so generous and caring, and I do feel it was very inconsiderate of your daughter in law to abandon the house and uproot the children so impetuously.

I think it's very understandable that you're worried but hopefully your calm and caring approach will mean that your daughter in law will keep in contact with you once she has sorted herself out. Perhaps she will even come back when she realises how fortunate she has been to have a decent home to live in, and your considerable support.

I do hope things work out for you all.

I do think it is good you have concern for your DGD's

How recent is the ''dabbling with heroin''? And how often?

Were SS already involved?

I ask this because SS are of course primarily concerned about the safeguarding of the children

It is good you have contacted them as it shows you care about the welfare of the children which are the priority in this

It is difficult sometimes to be in 2 camps , especially if drugs ARE involved and it does sounds like you have concerns about this!!

From what I have seen if substance abuse is involved SS services of course expect you to be in the camp of the CHILDREN , even if the Mother gets mad at you for reporting her , once found I am sure they will investigate as doubt they will take any chances in this case but you have to show them you have the best interests of your DGD's at ALL times!! x

It does seem like there is something dodgy going on , has she mentioned being unhappy in the area before? Did the 'dabbling' mean addiction as with addiction you often get lies , deceit and selfishness , you must feel that everything you have done for her has been thrown in your face with no real explanation of WHY , it must be hard worrying if your DGD's are being cared for well but did you have any previous concerns? Even 'dabbling' in heroin would be a source of concern surely? We like to believe the good in everyone and that hitting things on the head would be easily done , but drugs etc is pretty powerful stuff as well as the possible hold it has on someone , if she has 'druggie contacts' how much is she mixing and associating with them? Do you BELIEVE her story re the moving areas to rekindle a relationship with an old flame? What does your GUT say , not what do you 'hope'?

Sorry for all the questions but after dealing with an alcoholic DD I know the patterns of lying and irrational behaviour etc , also the abuse you get if you uncover their actions which they are trying to protect! x

If someone is planning a move , an ordinary move , they start packing fairly early as they know their move date , they make arrangements to take their belongings with them even if it's a mate with a van , they pack everything to take with them and notify the utilities etc of the move date

Does it seem to you that she FLED from what you say?

It does not seem like a very ''organised'' move to me so it must be concerning xx

Oh and P.S They let their relatives know! lol , even if they are PLANNING a move , they TELL people about it usually! x

Sorry to be so direct , but drugs and children is not something you pussy foot around...

I pussy footed around my DD's drinking for too long unfortunately to 'try and keep the family together' but the proverbial sh*t hit the fan as it always does at some point and on hindsight I wish I was tougher , sooner