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Concerned about Daughter taking Grandson out of care

(4 Posts)
nannynoo Sun 12-Oct-14 00:14:39

Hi - A good few of you will know me already from my previous postings on here

Things are at a very concerning stage with my DD

She is still in denial about her drinking and to be honest I do not think she is thinking rationally or stably

My DGS is under a section 20 due to my DD's drinking

He is currently in a foster home

It is still a ''no'' for me having him at the moment but ''I have not been completely ruled out'' so I am just concentrating on my home and keeping well and my bereavement counselor is signing me off next week and says I have done really well

Today on the visit at the contact centre my DD told me that because we are not allowed to have him for Christmas day and that on Christmas day we would have to see him at the contact centre my DD says she is TAKING HIM in December and has told the SW this!

She said the SW first said in that case we will take you straight to court but she said the social worker then said that if they thought he was at no risk of neglect they might not take her to court

My DD is stepping on thin ice here and I do NOT agree with her removing him without the permission of SS as why can she just not WAIT until they say he can be returned to her? i.e When they have no further concerns about her drinking

My DD said she is going to pay for monthly blood tests which show up if you have been drinking for the past month but she has been drinking this month so the first one would come back failed anyway and she said she is going to buy a bottle of Baileys for Christmas Day so that would be Decembers test failed right there

She supposed to be showing she has STOPPED drinking although I know that up till 2 weeks ago at least she had not stopped and was drink driving again too!

I told SS she was still drinking and of my concerns of my DGS being returned to DD TOO EARLY but they said they are looking to return him to her but they don't know the ''time scale'' yet

The thing is I do NOT believe my DD is in GENUINE RECOVERY .... I feel she wants my DGS home AND to carry on drinking and to somehow ''get away with it'' but the truth catches up in the end but I DO NOT want my DGS at ANY RISK AT ALL of neglect and I do NOT want to be at home worrying about whether or not my DGS has been FED and looked after EVERY DAY or whether my DD is passed out and not taking care of him!!!!!!

I have told SS I do not believe she is in genuine recovery and is trying to lie and pull the wool over everyones eyes , so they did a home visit last week and actually checked her cupboards for hidden alcohol bottles and there were none but that does not mean she is not drinking at all

This decision to ''take'' him in December as she still has parental responsibility I DO NOT AGREE WITH AT ALL and I do NOT want to be part of it at all

SS and I are unfortunately not seeing eye to eye at this current moment even though I DO want to work with them on every level

I feel I NEED to have another chat with my DD to totally discourage her from taking her planned action which I want nothing to do with and will tell her so , but am not sure if I can change her mind but will certainly TRY and also see if I can get some other family members to discourage her from her planned action , her Uncle is a police officer so I will let him know as he is aware of the situation just not this recent decision and will ask him to have a talk with her too

She said her solicitor said not to worry and if they take her to court it won't be till January but what has THAT got to do with it as it will be showing them that she is capable of irrational behaviour but she said she could take him now if she wants but at least she is ''giving them till December'' or giving HERSELF till December to prove to them she is not drinking but I don't know HOW she is going to do that if she is not even taking her recovery seriously enough and joking with friends about how to hide the Baileys bottle from SS - And I do NOT think it is FUNNY at all!!!

She is off to Amsterdam next week and said she is not going to drink there and that the SW said to have a nice holiday and she deserves it!

Are they really being that soft with her? I feel she is treading on VERY thin ice here and if she takes my DGS home I do not want to get attached again and stay over with him etc only for it to all go wrong again and for me and him to be separated after getting close again even though we are already close that would have a devastating affect on both of us

I still have not told my DD my new address and do not intend to for a very long time until I AM SURE she is NOT drinking anymore and is genuinely in a recovery program!!

Am I being too strict here? I think not myself as I am thinking of my DGS here!!! x

nannynoo Sun 12-Oct-14 01:02:09

If she takes him of course I would want to continue seeing my DGS but am in 2 minds about this

I was thinking just once a week but not staying over but am unsure as if I want NOTHING to do with this then why would I visit???

I am not sure if SS would expect me to be the one to ''keep an eye on her and her drinking'' but am not sure if I am willing to do that but would if they asked me to

I'll do whatever is best for my DGS but would they be the ones to monitor her??? They have always relied on me to give accurate information of any knowledge I have about my DD's drinking and have done this and always will whenever I have knowledge of it

nightowl Sun 12-Oct-14 08:37:25

Nannynoo I think you need to try to remain calm and detached in this situation. It may be that SS do not have sufficient grounds to take this to court - however concerned they may be about your daughter's drinking they would need firm evidence of neglect to go to court and it may be that things have simply not reached that threshold. Or perhaps she really has 'pulled the wool over their eyes' as you fear. Either way, if your DGS does return home and things go pear shaped you will be the first to recognise this and also the one to pick up the pieces.

I can't stress enough that you need to keep working with the social workers, even if you disagree with their actions. It is not always obvious from the outside why decisions are made but sometimes (often!) social workers have to make the best decision they can with limited options. If they feel you are working with them it is far more likely they will place your grandson with you instead of with strangers if necessary in the future. Please try not to make this a battle with SS and focus on the fact that your DGS will continue to need you whatever happens flowers

nannynoo Sun 12-Oct-14 17:33:47

Thank you SO much Nightowl for your advice!

I do not agree with her decision to take him and will advise her to work with SS too!!!

I just want to stay ''ON TRACK'' and keep going forward with them with a clear head and keep on track on the path of progress and well being and equilibrium

I would PREFER she waited until SS say he can be returned but I cannot make it happen as it is my DD's decision , all I can do is tell her how I feel about it and leave it to her

Either way as long as my DGS is ok I am ok and you are right about remaining calm and detached , it is the best thing to do in general , am learning that! lol

Thanks again for your very helpful advice! smile xx