special days cause so much trouble

I think the mothers in the past for whom Mothering Sunday was 'invented' were probably just glad to see their kids after weeks and weeks (possibly months) of not seeing them. I expect the kids were glad to see their mums too, and picking a few wild spring flowers on the way home was a nice gesture.

Nowadays we have many many more ways of keeping touch with each other and of visiting. Our lives are not so constricted as the lives of those servant girls and their mothers. We can exchange tokens of affection and respect 365 days of the year in lots of different ways. Picking one day out of all of those as somehow more significant than all the others is, as the OP suggested, asking for trouble—not for everyone, obviously, but for some, as various stories on gransnet yesterday have shown.

Quite agree KatyK I have 3 DDs. I don't feel they owe me anything but as you say whatever the day it is nice when they show their appreciation. It certainly does not have to be expensive.

DD1 spent the day with her son , our DGS but sent me a jokey helium balloon and a lovely message in a card.

DD2 spent one of her precious days off with me on Thursday with a light lunch as a treat. A card with a lovely message.

DD3 and soon to be Son In Law invited myself and his Mother to Sunday lunch at their home . There was also a small pretty bunch of flowers and card with message.

They are always grateful for what we do for them and tell us often which makes it extra special but still made thoughtful gestures on this day.

I don't expect expensive flowers or gifts. I would rather they kept their hard earned money to themselves when money is short for them. However it does feel nice to be appreciated. I don't feel they owe me anything but I do think it's nice when we do all we can to assist them in every way possible throughout the year (which we do willingly because we want to), for them to show a bit of appreciation - a card and a bunch of daffs or something It's the tradition of it really.

I don't think you have to let commercialisation get in the way.
I had a lovely day as all 3 sons came and we went out for lunch. We could have any day- it was just an obvious one to focus on. Since we worked out that we hadn't all been together for Mother's Day for 16 yrs I don't think we have got caught up in commercialisation or duty.
I think that Anya is right, and if the relationship is poor, mothers get upset when they get no acknowledgement on a special day. If you have a close relationship it isn't something that bothers you.

absentgranma On another thread I mentioned that I felt blessed today, my DS and my DSSs have all made a nice gesture in different ways.

However, I do not need gestures on Mother's Day - this is their choice.
I also do not need a reward for having my son, or for 17 years ago getting to know and love my DSSs.

Of course Interflora are rubbing their hands in delight...
Indeed DS abroad was wise enough to send me flowers a few days ago prior to premium prices and contacted a local florist.

The true origin of Mothering Sunday is in the back of many minds and I am sure that many like me would be more than delighted with a wild flower.

I am also a person in my own right with my own ideals etc. but if my DS, DSSs and DGC wish to make a gesture on this admittedly over commercialised day then I will accept it graciously.

No way would one of them feel they owed me anything, either for bringing them into the world, or in later years for 'acquiring' 3 DSSs.
If I was to ask them this..... I'm pretty sure their answers would be """Would you ever wise up """".

And definitely I don't need gestures to boost my Mothering images.

Why is a special day needed for our sons and daughters to express their feelings? And why do so many of you expect to receive cards, presents, ridiculously expensive flowers etc. Interflora et al are rubbing their hands in delight. Do you need such gestures to boost your 'mothering' images?

Do any of you actually know the origins of 'Mothering Sunday' as it's properly known (not this mindless 'Mother's Day' it is now).... the middle Sunday in Advent when servants were allowed the day off(God knows who cooked lunch in the 'big' house) to visit their mothers? A bunch of wild violets were the traditional gift, probably picked by the wayside as they walked home. No fancy cards,no over-the-top presents and above all I suspect no moaning and groaning from the mothers if their children didn't take the opportunity to come home.

I actually had a card this year from one of my daughters ...... she nearly always forgets but always has a really good excuse lined up. Because I hadn't had one for so long I really appreciated it. I am a mother but I'm also a person in my own right, with my own life, my own opinions, likes and dislikes. I don't need to be rewarded for having children, and I certainly don't want them to feel they owe me anything for bringing them into the world.

I know a few couples who have to split up for the day and take out their respective mothers. Even though they are parents themselves, just to keep the grandmothers happy. I find myself wondering how it came to that. I also know a few who end up having to separate for Christmas. Others refuse to go to either, just to keep things 'fair'. Whatever the solution, someone loses out. If both of you have a big family all wanting a piece of your time, you can end up not wanting to see anyone at all, no matter how much you like them. I've often prayed for a quiet Christmas. I've only ever managed three since I left home, all as a direct result of having moved.

I would love to completely wipe out all designated holidays, to be honest. The stress they induce is sometimes barely tolerable. I can see it in others even when not feeling it myself.

It doesn't help that mothers day has grown out of all proportion, just like Valentines Day, Easter and Halloween. I agree with Elegran - the card manufacturers and supermarkets have a vested interest in turning these days into massive consumer bonanzas. Those other moments that make me feel appreciated are the ones that stick in my memory. There's a drawer in my bedroom with little hand made notes and cards from the children, along with bits of gifts like a painted paper box that contained one Kinder egg - I can linger over those and enjoy them without needing a Hallmark card or a big gesture. My mum and gran used to ask us not to make a fuss over these 'specal days' and now I get it, too. Fine for those who want these special days, but I could do with a rest from them. They seem to come thick and fast, what with birthdays, Christmas, births, deaths and marriages - a quiet weekend for me, please.

I'm with you, elegran and bags. I almost feel an element of blackmail from MiL at times on the subject. As a mother of a young child going to live nearby to my inlaws, I never once had what my own idea of how a Mother's Day should be, because we always had to do what she wanted, or she would sulk. So I can see how ethel's DD's dilemma came about. It just isn't worth the energy, when you already have very little, to go against it.

And yes, just as someone mentioned in another thread, I do make sure my own mother has presents and cards, even though she was a pretty dreadful mother. It's out of guilt for thinking that of her. All of my sisters do the same.

My DD has an amazing MiL living nearby to her, I think DD appreciates her far more than her own DS ever shows openly, but I know he loves her dearly, just isn't all that good at buying her things.

Yes, Anya, it is the overall relationship, or lack of it, that causes the pain. The lack of one card is the last straw.

If all is well for the rest of the time, not being acknowledged on that one day is small beer.

I agree totally Jane

Luckily I'm not in that position Elegran and I wouldn't tell anyone they are exhibiting 'needy and manipulative' behaviour because I've never walked in their shoes.

Thankfully.

I think we're more in agreement than some of our earlier posts would indicate inasmuch we might agree that if you don't get much acknowledgment that you even exist from your children generally, the lack of even a card today can seem like the end of the world ... as we know it, Jim

I have not said anything unkind, anya, and I am not elegran. She has her own style, as do you and I. If you interpret what I've posted on this thread as unkind, that is a problem for you of your own making.

Like galen, I'm now going out to play with my bow and arrows. I hope as many people as possible have as a lovely a day as they could wish, whatever the day's name is.

I have no problem with honestly expressed opinions and philosophies which may or may not coincide with my own.
It's personal attacks and sly digs that I find unpalatable.
Just saying.

On the other hand, if their lack of contact pierces your heart already, then that is a separate problem, and nothing to do with the "Special Day"

Anya I have to inform you that in my opinion IF you get love and acknowledgment from your children all year but they miss out sending you a card on Mothers Day - then to be pierced to the heart for THAT and even more, to TELL them that you are pierced to the heart, is needy and manipulative behaviour.

It is very nice to get a card to thank you for anything - being a mother included. but to NOT get a card is not the end of civilisation as we know it, Jim.

So you didn't have that acknowledgement on this special day Bags or you would have known it was Mothers' Day.

It is not always about you . Of course you have your views, and express them quite forcefully. Elegran too has her opinions and expresses them rather more kindly.

Fine.

But have you ever considered that you might make a bad situation worse for others who don't have the same philosophy as you?

Quite simply, I'm agreeing with the OP's choice of thread title. Yes, fabricated, confected "special days" do cause a lot of trouble. There is sympathy in that sentiment not thick-skinnedness.

I feel sorry for anyone whose heart is pierced by their offspring at any time. That is sorrow, not pity. But that does not bar me from saying how I feel about this day or any other day.

On the contrary, anya, I have had that acknowledgement very often and that's why until this morning I didn't even know it was Mother's Day today. I don't think I'm missing any point. If my offspring never gave me "that acknowledgement" I daresay I'd mind as much as anyone, just as they might mind if I didn't give them "acknowledgement" where due.

And what elegran says is spot on. Again.

Anya Very true.

Elegran The fact that there are 4 threads about Mothers Day shows that rightly or wrongly it does mean a lot to many people.

I'm sure those of us who are lucky enough to have thoughtful loving offspring, today and any other time of year can feel for those who don't.

But it does 'pierce' some people's heart that is my point.

I feel for those who are not getting love from their families, for whatever reason. These are the ones who post in tears on other days in the year.

But what I was saying - and I think Bags too, and FFinnochio - is that if you are only getting that acknowledgment on one day of the year, it is frankly not worth very much. And if you get the love for the other 364 days, you don't need ritual acknowledgment on one day.

It is not a question of being tough-skinned. My skin is as sensitive as anyone else's when I am being hurt, but not receiving a card on an arbitrary day is not something that pierces it.

'A special day for that acknowledgement is simply not felt to be necessary ' by you. Actually I think that you've missed the point that many of us as trying to make. Just because you haven't had that acknowledgement and it doesn't bother you bags spare a thought for other who are perhaps not as tough skinned as you are.

Their 'sob stories' as you termed them are their ways of trying to come to terms with their situation. You may see it as a sign of weakness or whatever, but many of us actually sympathise with them and are grateful that our own family lives are happy.

"It's the acknowledgement that counts" is exactly right. Some of us have that acknowledgement on lots of days. A special day for that acknowledgement is simply not felt to be necessary. In addition I think that labelling a certain day as the one for that acknowledgement is, to a certain extent, emotional blackmail (by the businesses that cash in on it), pure and simple.