Perplexed - meabt well but have offended

There is a long running thread on here, where grandparents have been cut out of the gcs lives for ever it seems.
Also there are regular threads in relationships along similar lines.

I am not a grandparent yet. But the stories on gransnet are enough to make me think longer and harder about the general situation.

Also, I have noticed that my DH would be far more likely to give in than I would.
So if ever the situation did arise, it would get complicated.

granskyMost grandparents will bend over backwards to help respectful thoughtful appreciative DD or DIL BUT if that's not there then sorry , I would punish myself and not see my grandkids for a month if that's what it took for the message to get through.
In this situation the DIL and DS are behaving ridiculously and putting you under more damaging and unnecessary stress.

Sorry to hear you're caught up in one of those "whatever you say/do makes it worse" situations. In the past I have sometimes, though not always, found that a "Sorry if I've upset you (meaning both DS and DiL), I didn't mean to" often helps.

Unfortunately, the last time I did this, the response was "Stick your sorry where the sun doesn't shine" All I can, and am doing is waiting it out until DiL relents

HildaW has a lot of good advice there! I would add that including something along the lines of - What CAN I do to help?; - since I am/was ill I just don't have the energy I used to - etc etc.

I am tempted to ramble about my own situation but everyone's is different. Not EVERYTHING is ever your fault, you are doing the best you can

I also disagree with this "I know my place" and "I'll apologise just to keep the peace" attitude.

In this situation, I wouldn't be inclined to apologise (for what - for trying to be helpful?) but neither would I take the matter any further. I would just ignore it.

I also wouldn't go out of my way to be helpful in future.

Perhaps, though, I'm inclined to take this line because my son's partner is very easy going and I don't remember her ever taking offence. Maybe if his partner was very touchy I would feel, and behave, differently.

soon to be that would surely only happen in extreme cases. Grandparents can't be held to emotional ransome by their over indulged shuld no better off spring. I'm speaking from experience and it works out better generally if your kids know the boundaries . They are a very very privileged generation whose parents are hands on and I'm not convinced they appreciate our help but are very quick to judge when we do or say something that irks them. . My parents and in laws adored my kids but we're grandparents not carers I fully appreciated and accepted it. Kids today don't like the word no or to be challenged and I can't actually believe the amount of grandparents on here who are treated with disrespect and think that's ok . JMHO

Ain't that the truth, soon

The bottom line is, grandparents are scared of losing access to their grandkids.

I'm reading alot of comments on here like " bend over backwards to keep the peace" or " I'll say sorry even if I'm not in the wrong"
Well I say no wonder this generation are self indulgent and spoilt if parents are cowering to their every whim!!
Me and my friends are grandparents and NONE of us would appease a spoilt selfish DIL or DD. Help out, absolutely but no way indulge their tantrums like over grown teenagers. Perhaps it's a midlands trait. ..respect me or sort your own kids out!!

Well - I think it is possible to do something with the best of motives only to find that the person on the receiving end has thoughts and concerns that you were not aware of.

It seems to me that this Mum has got her own concerns abut returning to work and that awful wrench of putting your child in the care of others - maybe she just needs to feel she has control of the organisation of the care in order that she can feel better about it all.

In fact, in retrospect, I guess you might conclude that some sort of family meeting to see who could do what, and what your DIL would feel happy with might have been a better way forward; but we all know how excellent the retrospectoscope is!

I know that on the surface this is about two kindly grandparents offering their services and that one could think DIL should just jolly well feel grateful - but, as parents, I think we all know that the care of our children is a sensitive issue.

I feel sure there will be a way of sorting this all out as it sounds as though you are all caring people who want the best for everyone.

I care for my GD one day a week while DD is at work (she does 3 days) and I offered to do it - I know that she is grateful for that and she respects our need to take holidays now and again (when she finds an alternative care option) - but for our part, we always respect her wishes, and follow the regimes that she feels are important (even if it might not always be the way we might do it!). Leaving your child is so hard, and knowing that the carers are respecting your views is a big bonus I think.

Good luck with all of this - and with your forthcoming surgery.

You are right that it can be a minefield, but it also carries undreamt of joys.

Just a thought - maybe the other gran hadn't told the parents that she would be away and / or had arranged the alternative care (by someone inexperienced with babies) off her own bat.
If so, it would seem to the parents that others were behaving unreasonably and that gransky seemed to be in on it.

gransky even if all seems well again it could be a good idea to say something briefly, to clear the air, rather than all parties just hoping for the best.

bags that is so true (about saying sorry without words).

gransky that sure sounds like normal service has been resumed

Thank you all for your points of view - you do a marvellous job. I will see how things go and I think it will pass. DS has phoned me without mentioning it and DIL has sent new photos of GD so I think we were as we were. I will learn from this though and from your comments.

I know that because it's what DH does.

Oh I agree with an apology as well. I'm the sort of person who says sorry when someone bumps into me. My point was that the OP needn't feel guilty. There doesn't need to be a confrontation.

I'm not sure not apologising would amount to a confrontation. To me that just seems like letting something pass quietly and making sure it didn't happen again. One can apologise with behaviour as well as with words (or instead of).

Grannyknot

I think Ashtree summed it up very well. The DiL will find that if those involved in child care arrangements don't liaise then mistake can happen.

I didn't suggest any confrontation, but neither do I think there was any intention to interfere and as such the OP has no need to apologise.

In fact I'd just let it go.

We are in danger of over complicating the issue and overthinking it. Why do women do this? In this respect "why can't a woman be more like a man" ?

Grannyknot how lovely.

loopy as a "trainee granny" - I agree! As I suggested earlier, work a "soft" apology in as in "Forgive me for XXX, I'm still getting used to all this!"

BTW and completely off topic, my DIL sent me a short video clip last night of my little grandson's first halting and wobbly crawl across their lounge floor! He even rests his little head on his arms halfway through as if to say "this is too much". I can't stop playing it As you were.

Anya The OP said she felt an atmosphere was brewing and she wanted to avoid ill-feeling.
That sounded to me as though she was worried there might be a confrontation at some point.
I agree with loopylou and petallus that saying sorry there's been a misunderstanding is the best way to defuse that situation.

thatbags I couldn't disagree with your assessment of the situation.

However, when deciding how to act it is often a choice between doing what is right and just and doing what will be helpful in avoiding a conflict situation which could end in disaster for the family.

In most cases, as the senior member of my family, I would try to do the latter. Older and wiser as the saying goes.

PS I hate confrontation but I'm not a doormat- there is a happy medium!

Personally I still think an apology is better that a stand off.
If both sides are determined that they are right then it's going to sour the relationship over a seemingly trivial incident.
Even if the OP and the other GM thought it was for the best, clearly the new parents didn't. It could end up with all three parties refusing to be the first to make a move
There are enough sad stories on other GN threads to see what can happen.

I agree with that. Reading the OP again I'm thinking, no, you didn't offend; someone took offence over something that was obviously meant to be helpful. They need to get over themselves, as the saying goes.

We all know it's important not to interfere and to bend over backwards to keep the peace but they won't respect you for apologising for something that's not your fault.

I don't do confrontation but my nearest and dearest walk all over me at their peril.

#notadoormat

Who's talking about confrontation?

There is always a middle ground.