My heartfelt sympathy to you, wish I could wave a wand. It is the worst pain imaginable, all those hugs and special moments you want to share. It is all out of your hands if your son cannot get custody, please do not spend the rest of your life unhappy, buy a card each birthday and hopefully you will be able to send it. Buy an extra one for your memory box in case she wants contact later on, write her letters and put them in there. Let us hope that this little one has a happy life denied her at the beginning. Child abuse is the only thing that would make me disown a child, I could cope with anything else, so I understand how you feel. The child must come first and one day she will know how much you loved her, so be strong.