taken for granted

Hi back, Falcon! Glad you liked my phrase!

You know, niggly, I don't know if it's so much that we're not respected today as that young people have a lot of confidence in themselves. That's good, of course, but sometimes it goes too far!

The thing is that DD's, in my experience , can run you ragged with their ups and downs on the child minding fronts, always, in my experience, behaving as if you have nothing of importance to do (you probably haven't! but that's not the point!) and are just sitting waiting to be summoned or cancelled at a moment's notice!
Any protest is an immediate rearup, making one feel selfish, mean and generally wrong footed, which I find very trying.
My DH had strong words with DD recently, which has of course caused bad feeling and is being difficult to reconcile. Not good, but quite honestly if I'd spoken to my parents the way she sometimes speaks to us, to say that we would have been less than welcome in their home is an understatement as they simply wouldn't have put up with that sort of attitude! But I suppose years ago parents of whatever age were treated with respect, whereas today they appear not to be!!

Hello wendysue it's awhile since I posted and wasn't sure what I'd said but I read it back.

I love your phrase "shrug it off," it will now be my watchword.

Also, Falcon, I don't think you're "selfish" at all. Please shrug that stuff off.

Oh wow. What a mess! I'm so sorry! I hope this all blows over soon.

I don't blame DH for being angry, but if only he had stuck to the issues - the late cancellation and how DD treated you - and not made accusations! But I know people don't always think when they are angry.

He needs to apologize for that if he wants to see the grands again any time soon. If he doesn't care to do it for himself, he should do it for you. I think Falconbird is right that your DD will come around, after a while. However, it might happen sooner if he makes a sincere apology.

I hope you were able to attend GD's party on Sunday, after all. If not, I know it may be hard for you to turn around and say, "Of course, we'll babysit." If you do, you may discover that DD is no longer interested, unfortunately. It's worth a try, I think, but you may end up having to wait till DD reaches out to you again.

If it helps at all, I'm another one feels that AC often try to take advantage. At some point, you'll have to let DD know that you and DH have your own lives and need to be asked in advance. Now is obviously not the time though.

Hi marfin41

I always told our DS and DIL the dates we wouldn't be available to babysit well in advance.

DIL and I get on well.

Your DIL has probably taken you for granted. Why not suggest a coffee together or, clothes shopping together with maybe lunch after. That way you're only two women shopping and eating, while you ensure chat is kept light.

Don't allow a schism between the pair of you which will badly affect your son. He won't thank you for putting him in awkward position. Then of course there's Christmas looming. Think ahead, think clever.

Thanks Anya. I've got the kids today and overnight . He husband asked us if we could have them all weekend Friday to Monday a treat for her 30th. But we said no but compromised and agreed one night. So much for her never wanting to see us again!!! If it wasnt so sad and hurtful it would be laughable really. I'm determined to make her realise that there's consequences to her actions. This time it was missing out on a 3 night treat away from the kids. Even if she doesn't realise that's the reason it makes me and my husband feel better.

So pleased about the birthday party marfin

I hope things can settle down a bit now.

Deeda she hasn't been used to this no. ANYA we did go but only stayed a while. She was perfectly normal. Have me a kiss when I walked in. But I can't overlook the awful threats this time. Don't know where it will all lead . But I've had my grandson for two days so she clearly isn't going to carry out her threat .

Did you get to the birthday party?

As she seems to have relied on you for a lot of baby sitting in the past I think she will come down to earth with a bump if she sticks to not wanting to see you. Other people are going to want a lot of organisation, or payment, or both. It doesn't sound as if this is something she's been used to.

Thanks Anya

Here's hoping

Hi granny knot you're right of course but for my sake alone I've contacted her. Yes I did remind her what a great dad she has and as someone here said she has been spoilt. He has been a saint where other fathers would surely have lost their patience over the years. May be too soft actually. But well see how it pans out now .

Thanks so much everyone. I've contacted her. Soontobe you've hit the nail on the head! We've been too quick to make the peace in the past , so often over the years that this was really the last straw . But it isn't the right time to be making life difficult. and the stress makes RA worse . I don't blame my hubby for being annoyed but he may have gone too far in his accusations of manipulation. 15 years of this attitude has worn him down. Both of us actually. Hopefully I'll get a positive response. If not I don't know what I'll do

Hi marfin

Paid babysitters are easily found, so I don't understand that bit of your daughter's reasoning.

I would do no running after! I'd sit back and let it all unfold and hopefully cool down.

The difficulty is not being able to see your grandchildren e.g. for the child's third birthday. Perhaps just pop in on your own with a gift. Give yourself a break too!

My husband is very involved with his golf club, he would be furious if he had been messed around by a fickle daughter like this. She must understand that.

It's a difficult situation, but maybe one that is the result of your DD having always had what she wanted without too much fuss from you and your DH. Perhaps she has become accustomed to being able to make her plans in the safe knowledge that you'll always be there for her - as you have up till now.

I do completely understand your upset, and in particular how frustrated your DH must have felt at being put in such an awkward position with his golf club. Your DD obviously didn't consider these consequences when she cancelled, as all she was trying to do was rescue an important date in her calendar the best way she could. She probably felt that you and her father wouldn't be remotely interested in a night on the tiles and a party at theirs into the early hours (I know we wouldn't!, so the obvious solution would be that you have the GC - after all, you've never minded before.

You were absolutely right to make your point, but maybe now is the time to get in touch and tell her that you will, of course, have the children (with a gentle reminder to ask in future). Please don't let the situation get out of hand. In the meantime for you.

Good post S2B

Your daughter sounds spoilt. And entitled.

Trouble is, this is her 30th, sp this may not be the time to put your foot down.

She does usually ask.

On this occasion, I would calm it right down, and choose another time to try and set some ground rules.

I hope you are allowed to go tomorrow. And that she has a nice 30th.

I'm so sorry it's got to this point. It sounds like a knee jerk embarrassed reaction from your daughter who knows the change of plan had excluded you and it hadn't really been explained properly. it must hurt, though. Even if perhaps the changed plan isn't something you would necessarily enjoy? Think Anya is right unless your husband might make it worse? Perhaps think which one of you is most likely to get a good outcome? Could your SiL be an ally? Hope you can come to an understanding quickly. You have all been a big part of each other's lives. So hope you can find a way through and even a better understanding.

Yes Marfin I have 5 grandchildren and I see 4 of them on a regular basis, childmind, baby sit, etc.. I have been taken for advantage on occasion, as I suspect have many of us hands-on grans. It goes with the territory.

I diagnose an advanced case of Bruised Male Ego and Looking Bad at The Golf Club

But really you have two choices. Sort this out or let things get worse.

Any I don't know whether you do have grandkids or what sort of relationship you have with your kids it ours has been given everything! !! And yes he was angry on my behalf. He hates the way she treats me. So yes I did realise that I said those things. He is embarrassed at having to tell the club only 3 weeks before. Abd may well have to lose £200 deposit. So yes he is quite rightly annoyed

Do you realise you've posted.....

'hubby's displeasure'

'hubby was even angrier'

'he...accused her'

'he was so hurt'

I know the relationship between father and daughter is usually a very close one, so what's going on here, that's dragged you into such a situation. Is he normally so 'angry' or have you given him bullets to fire?

I hope that doesn't sound too harsh but I'm concerned this is all getting very out of hand.

I'm afraid some mums get a bit power mad. Hold tight Marfin41 and try to keep composed. It's highly unlikely that your dil/daughter will keep this up because you are a very very good gran and she will soon realise that she needs you to babysit, also to have close contact with your gd who you are obviously close to.

My main allies in seeing my grandchildren are the grandchildren themselves, who keep up a constant "when are we going to see nan," chorus.

I've changed my profile name so this might get confusing!! He won't speak to her. He's had enough. This is not the first selfish disrespectful thing she has done. We've had years of it.
She does usually ask but doesn't like me to say no if it's something she really wants to do. She had a huge 21st , we've just paid for a huge wedding and lots of other things in between. We just want respect and some appreciation