Uninterested Granny

I do envy those who had Grandparents and whose mothers and MILS were part of their GCs lives.

My MIL made her feelings on me and her GCs very clear - she really didn't want to know at all, despite living only 5 minutes walk away. I think she babysat once for two hours and was standing at the gate with her coat on when we returned (early evening, children in bed and asleep before she arrived, so not as if it was late!)

My mother told me when I when I was pregnant with DC1 on no account to expect her to look after the children at all, they were my responsibility and she didn't want to know. I was stunned and pretty upset. Even more so when she had my sisters' children at the drop of a hat from day one.

I guess you have to accept your MIL's stance and continue to engage with her. Perhaps she'll change as your dc grows up.

Totally agree yogagran. Just happy my son is happy. No jealousy at all.

Valeriecouglin that's a very sweeping statement "they can't bear to think of their sons loving another woman other than them" and I'm afraid that it's not always/usually the case. All most of us want is for our sons to be happy

I was just thinking like janerowena that it could be a good idea for you to travel to your MiL.
Maybe you, DH and DS could have a family outing one weekend, calling in for an hour or two (asking first if it's suitable, of course).

Still wondering about the father-in-law. Only because my parents-in-law, except for once when fil dropped in for a cup of tea on his own because he was in town for a meeting, always visited together. One can't assume coupledom nowadays, I know, it's just I found it surprising he wasn't even mentioned.

Well really remember the quote from the bible cast not your pearls.........
Just put an ad in somewhere asking for a surrogate Granny figure. Vet her well and you will be amazed. My grandchildren are at the other sides of the world and I am a surrogate. There are many lovely, lovely grannies who have a void in their lives. Please don't waste your precious love and time. My MIL was not very helpful. There is usually a jealousy factor involved. They can't bear to think of their sons loving another woman other than them (Quite sad actually)
At present I am in San Francisco for five weeks to help my daughter I law with her third baby.
I was determined d that no Daughter in law suffered rejection as I did when younger.

I presume your parents do not live in Sweden Mishka, in which case I sympathise with you. It must be hard to be a long way from your own family and I can understand that you would want your son to build a relationship with his grandparents, apart from hoping for a little support now and then. I find it strange that his grandmother did not want to celebrate his first birthday with the family; perhaps there are some deeper issues. I think you have been a little harsh Bags

Just a thought but are you (subconsciously maybe) trying to heal a rift in the relationship between mother and son? Only putting this forward as my DIL decided early on in her relationship with my eldest that he didn't have the sort of relationship with his mother that he should have (in her opinion) and felt bound to "mend it". It didn't actually need mending as we had spent thirty odd years honing our relationship and were quite happy with the status quo, but she was young, keen, enthusiastic and full of high ideals. Just a bit of a twist on the subject - forgive me if I'm completely off mark.

Eloethan I agree. To feel your only being asked to help, not just that the DD or DIL wants to see YOU is very hurtful. However Mishka I totally understand how you feel. I'm sorry your MIL doesn't want to travel to you occasionslly. My niece has a husband who works away and it can be a very lonely life. Maybe you could ask your husband to ask her to visit . But unfortunately if she is the kind of grandparent who doesn't want to be involved in a hands on way, there's not a great deal you can do about it except hope she changes her stance in the future ��

My own mother was a dreadful mother really, she ended up with four daughters who had to drag themselves up the best they could. However even I do get wistful at times and wish she had been a better grandmother, I really do understand your longing for that relationship. I think that of all my sisters, I have been the only one to be able to accept my mother for what she is - - a truly unmaternal being who coped the best she could with children she didn't really want in the first place. It still doesn't stop me from wishing on occasion that she had been different.

What you have to do is what I do - thank heavens for the two wonderful mother-in-laws I have had. I have never lived close by to them, but the children have been thoroughly spoilt when we have managed to get together. Stay friends with yours, my mother was definitely better with my children once they were more interesting, had their own ideas and could converse intelligibly. She will help you out as a friend, not out of duty to her grandchildren.

I suspect your Mil was shattered after her journey, if she only stayed for one night. Travelling tires me, too. I think you would be better off renting a house near to her for a week, as a holiday. That way she could form a bond with your child while not having to work with it, let her have a day in between each visit to recover. I don't know where you live in Sweden, but travelling of any kind can be pretty challenging if the weather isn't great.

Babies leave me pretty cold, even my own DGCs. Toddlers are better, very funny, but now mine are 7 and 4 I love them far more. It's so hard to have a good conversation with your own DD or DS when there is a small child around, it can be very frustrating.

Just be happy that she is not the interfering MIL who knows it all and thinks she has rights to your child. Keep inviting her and telling her she is welcome and leave it at that I think. The most important thing is for you to enjoy your children.

People have different attitudes to children. I am very hands on and like being a part of their lives - another set of GPs feel differently. We are going on holiday with one DD and family next summer (and have done so before) but they never ask the other set of GPs because they "don't really like children."

Mishka....you are wise beyond your years. To be honest I've seen more pain on here from Grandmothers (usually MIL) who feel they have a right to micro manage 'their' grandchild's upbringing.

Motherhood might have not been this lady's strongest suit so better to have her willing input albeit in very small doses than make her feel guilty for not being more involved. Being a Grandparent is all about the relationship not any set of unwritten rules. You might find that when your child is older she becomes the sort of Grandma who comes into her own.

Good luck.

I suppose distances are perceived differently in different countries but, to me at least, 90 minutes away is quite a way away. You don't say whether your mother in law would have to drive, go by train or what. You don't say how old she is. All these factors may influence why she does not often visit.

Whilst I agree that it would be nice for your child to have a relationship with his/her grandma, the emphasis in your original post seemed very much to be on what your mother in law could do to help you. It isn't a very nice feeling to believe that people only want to see you because they need your help.

Also, you say you "currently" live in Sweden, which suggests you haven't always been there and won't be there on a permanent basis. Perhaps your mother in law has already had to accept that her family won't be around and fears becoming too close in case you all move. From what some grandparents have said on this site, it is a terrible wrench when sons, daughters and grandchildren move away.

We live an hour away from our son,but we go at least once a week.I do everything for mine,my granddaughter won't let anyone else,she always says Ganma do it.Im worn out time I go home.
I think it's nice to be asked,we need to be very careful with DILs,I know my place.I absolutely adore being with my grandchildren.

How old is she? Does she drive? Does she work?
Does she feel she musn't interfere? What do you say when you ask her to visit? Did you ask her to come and 'help' at DGS's birthday or just come and have fun?

I had no-one at all to help when the DC were small - but somehow I managed to clean the house before my DP came to stay and my MI didn't often pop along the road to see them although she lived 10 minutes away - so I made an effort to go and visit her.
You're young and perhaps you should be making more effort to go to visit her and to invite her to stay for a fun time not to be a babysitter.

Perhaps she is just not very maternal but may develop a good relationship with DGC when he becomes more interesting and can chat and be interested in the world around him.

Thanks all for your advice and stories Venting on here has allowed me to see a bigger picture- that of expectations and realities.
I guess it's pointless to be upset if the latter don't match the former.
Thanks again!

I'm a very involved grandparent and would be more involved had not a daughter met an Australian and moved back to his home town with half my grandchildren. She expected to find her MIL to be the sort of GM that I am and was sorely surprised to find little interest in the children other than to criticise and never once an offer to babysit though she lives 10 minutes away. Not everyone enjoys children, particularly little unpredictable ones. Most of my grandparent friends are very hands on but I know others who have made such comments as , "I've done my stint bringing up my own" and "I'm waiting for them to be old enough to hold an intelligent conversation". One even threatened to move house too far away to be

expected to babysit. And yes, 90 minutes each way is a lot of driving if your heartstrings are not pulling you along.

Some people need to be asked, which is very nice really. This site is often too full of interfering Grandparents you should count your self as lucky
Create an occasion....a Sunday afternoon tea and invite her.

All the best.

I think most of us relate better to one stage of childhood or another. Personally, I'm not very keen on the small baby stage but enjoy older children more. My DC's GM wasn't especially interested until the kids could play and enjoy card games and then she would play with them for hours. Maybe your MIL is the same. With respect, you do sound a bit intense and maybe your MIL is uncomfortable under the weight of your expectations. Why not just try to relax and take it as it comes?

Leticia, you might be on to something!

If her son doesn't have that sort of relationship then I don't suppose a grandchild would be different.

There is a grandfather in the picture but he works alot.

She has stayed the night but she wasn't really interactive with my son or anything. DH hasn't said much to his mother as they don't really have that sort of relationship.
And really, I don't expect a second pair of hands but I do expect (and I'm not ashamed of this) for her to be involved.

Is there a grandfather in the picture? What about him?

Has your DH spoken to his mum about this ? Is she aware that he feels upset and disappointed.

90 mins isn't 'round the corner' I used to live the same distance from my DGC and would visit on average every 6 wks or so. This was my DD's family which I feel is different from visiting DiL home.
Forgive me but do you think it's possible she feels that you only want her to visit for the help she can give ? I'm not saying that's true. Maybe if you invited her to come and maybe stay overnight (easier on travel) and just chat and enjoy your son together she may begin to think it's her company and the pleasure your DS will get from contact with DGP rather than a spare pair of hands your after. Then it's up to her to decide if she wants to help, because that is her decision it's not something that should be expected.