Paternal grandmother

SIM you do sound very intolerant to me
Well, reading more of what Sim1983 has said, I'm not sure. MIL coming to the house and calling her to come downstairs when she was feeding the baby?? No, no, that's not on. Does she have a key and let herself in? If that was me and DIL was upstairs feeding I would call up and ask if she wanted me to make her a cuppa, if not then wait downstairs until they had finished the feed.

Feelingleftout I do find DIL's DM goes out with them more often, but she is on her own and I still have DH, so I suppose they assume I have someone to go to places with. Are you on your own? Sometimes we do go out all together.
You say your DIL is a lovely girl and always says 'yes' if you want to go round - it's finding that fine line between too pushy and being thought of as not bothering that is so difficult!

I'm not agony-aunting, just commenting on a thread

What I do think is outrageous is the treatment of those posters who've been providing more or less full-time childcare and are then expected to completely disappear, with nothing being said, when the GC go to school!

I might then turn up unannounced!

If ever I need support, an online "community" is the last place I would go for it rosegarden.

Right-o Riverwalk. Enjoy your agony-aunting. But remember, posters coming from Mumsnet will have been pretty well brainwashed, by each other.

Completely agree river walk - that was very unpleasant Jings and uncalled for. its nice people are being supportive - you may need some support one day so don't knock kindness !!

That's a bit harsh jings I think sim is trying to put the other side of things and GN is the ideal place do that.

Because posters have responded to her doesn't mean she's taken over the thread and craving sympathy.

Maternal/paternal gran turning up unannounced is an intrusion.

1983

Has feelingleftout been back at all? Thread seems to have been taken over by sim1980. (To whom I would recommend Mumsnet, where she will get all the sympathy she obviously craves)

Has anyone taken on the raising/care of a teenage grandchild?
We have taken over the care of my 15 year old granddaughter and find that sometimes it is very waring!.
She is a good kid, but can she talk!!!, She never stops and most of the time it is all rubbish, I am trying very hard to engage with her, but I never thought that I would be MOTHER again at my age.
I had forgotten what it is like to take an interest in school and all the things that go with a 15 year old.
She is very kind and helpful, but does need a lot of attention and time, It is hard work to get her motaviated and I find myself worrying about exam results.
Help ! has anyone any good tips ?.

thank you trisher. I think youve put it in a better way than I have done.im very stressed at the minute.lack of sleep being a major thing. Thank you everyone for listening to my outbursts etc. I think I just needed a big rant. Like I said Ill stick to my word and I ll ask her later. we re going to the sea life centre soon.i ll see if she would like to go to that. cheers again and i hope all yr situations get resolved.whatever side you are coming from it is stressful.have a good day

I only have sons, two of them, but they are both different.
I went on holiday this year with one of my sons and his family. The other one showed me his photos of places he knew I would like to go to. He always does this.
I accept the differences.
One son always asks me if I want to go on days out, the other doesn't.
Sometimes I go; sometimes I do not.
However, because we've always kept the door open to both of them, my two oldest granddaughters, 22 and 15, come and stay with me because they want to, even when they should be staying with their dad.
Do not say anything you will regret later.

Don't rock the boat. My lovely DIL is the one who does the most arranging of visits etc. Although my work at home son who goes away a lot on business does phone me to ask me to care for the children. They live in London and myself and maternal grandparents all live in Dorset about ten miles apart. I've never felt left out it seems to work very well. I don't think your son is leaving you out. It's just that women are better communicators. By saying anything could cause unnecessary trouble and resentment.

Feelingleftout2 I think it is a 'son thing'. He probably imagines you have a great relationship and pop over whenever you want. That said I am not sure saying anything to him would achieve much-they hear what they want to!
I think you need to look at two things- firstly your expectations. I have a great relationship with my DIL but I don't expect to be invited on family outings or to be there in the mornings. These are times for them. Secondly trying to build relationships with your DGCs. I think a panto is a great idea. Is there a local farm that opens near you-ask DIL if they would like to go. Asking the DGCs to stay over is a good idea (ask your son if he would like to arrange a special evening-Valentines Day, Birthdays etc).
Otherwise fill your life with other things and I am sure you will be asked for-strange how these things seem to happen.

thank you for re reading my comments and noting that I did say that. like I said im not unfair but my child has to come first.

its not intolerant thank you.I think there may be an element here that some not all of the mil just dont like that they are not the centre of attention. you have failed to mention the smoking etc.it is now known that smoking is a massive contributor to SIDS.so are you saying I should allow her to breathe smoke on my child, risking her health so my mil feels good?so im more easy going? that would make me a bad mother.u also fail to mention when she doesnt bother to turn up.You have picked the bits out which suit you and ignored the bits which I consider physically and emotionally harmful to my child.All she has to do is back off a bit.how about give me a chance to actually call her up and say hey do u fancy going somewhere today?etc

I agree with you Gaga and wonder if people are simply just more selfish than we were when we had young children? Surely if we can see their point of view they should try to see ours.?

SIM it seems to me that you have taken note of the comments made, good for you. I am glad you are going to try and make it work, it will be rewarding for you too.

Im sorry my child is not being deprived of a grandmother. She has one that gives me support, my baby love, doesnt breathe smoke on her, doesnt impose her parenting views on her whilst ignoring mine and doesnt turn up when she feels like it.I fail to see how that is being selfish, thats being a good mum. I might like to add that my father in law is a wonderful grandfather and is always respectful of routine etc. I dont think its fair to label all mil, my brother has a wonderful one. Id like to add that if any one on my side behaved like my MIL I would not put up with it either. Fair is fair. I am not spoilt actually and neither is my partner we were both raised by parents who thought alot more about their own lives and themselves. The fact we all still talk etc and are involved is to do with alot of forgiveness on our parts and forgetting. I dont want any of that for my child. I would love for her to be able to have her nannies. I never had that and I hated to be left out when other kids said thy were going to their nannies etc. I dont want that for her. Its my mil control issues that have caused this, by the way this is the same mil who has told me continuously how much she resented her mil interfering etc.and now shes doing the same thing to me. Her mil also died recently and she actually laughed about it to me. I thought that was the most disgusting thing I had ever heard. There should be a middle line where new parents can work something out with grandparents. They should enrich the gc lives not cause stress. As for being spoiled?wow really?

SIM you do sound very intolerant to me, it sounds rather as if it is all about you not her. You know your family and their ways because you have always known them, surely you could make the effort to try to understand your MiL who will have different ways? Most grandparents enjoy buying things for their GC and you want to deprive her of that pleasure. This is sounds very heartless to me.

It feels really sad to me that there are all these Grandparents with all this love to give and it's apparently just not wanted. Don't the parents realise that they are depriving their children of something very special and that the relationship GPs have with their DGC can not be replicated elsewhere. So many children are missing out.

I think the parents in these cases are very selfish and I think it is a bit feeble to excuse sons.They have benefited from the love and care of their parents and have come to see it as their right but are showing just how egocentric and spoilt they have become as a result.

I do, smile and keep my mouth shut.(but again smokers house so the clothes smell too) The other day when she came round I was nursing my baby upstairs and she came to the foot of the stairs demanding I come down. Im all for family etc, I want her to know if anything happens to me and her dad she has other people who love her just as much but what do I tell her when shes 5 and shes like 'where's nanny?she said she was coming round' and she never turns up.How do I explain that? Its prob because I try and keep it polite Ive opened up on this thread.very therapeutic. Im sure the mil are well meaning here I just wanted to try and give another side of it. Having a baby is hard, our entire lives are completely unrecognisable as to what they are before.support is welcome but constant intrusion etc is not. Although Im not unfair maybe I should give it another go. She ll prob be around soon no doubt. I ll try seeing if we should go somewhere next week and see how that goes.

I have the same problem. I think daughter-in-laws are more likely to share with their own Mums and do not realise we need to see the grandchildren just as much.

You brought tears to my eyes Bertie10. I looked after my first grandson 30 hours a week from 8 months until he started school, . He and I have a very close relationship obviously and there was suddenly a huge hole in my life. There was no understanding that I must miss him and obstacles were put in my way when I suggested I pick him up from school for tea. It was and still is a great sorrow. I haven't fallen out with anyone and I do invite myself round to see him because if I didn't I hardly ever would.
I now care for my daughter's little son so I don't lack for cuddles and the joy of watching a baby grow into a little boy but there is still a 6 year old sized hole in my life.

I have 6 sons and I think it is probably more of a man thing. Their wives/partners tend to do the organising and gravitate towards their mothers and their own family, but I would not dream of interfering. In my own case we have blended families in our family and it is difficult to fit in when there are already 2 sets of grandparents, so we take what we can get and we just make the most of that time. Our grandchildren adore my husband, even the ones that live with us - he's the fun one lol. We take the grandchildren out, have them on school days/holidays when other grandparents/parents may not be able to, help out with sports activities, emergency collection from schools, have them to stay the night, all sorts of things but we dont go on their family outings nor do we necessarily always get invited to their birthday parties or other occasions. It's just the way it is - and when push comes to shove, they are not ours, we are just lucky enough to borrow them occasionally.

It's a son thing, I think most of them are like that. I am a paternal grandmother and I am so lucky. I have a wonderful DIL. We live 10 minutes away and care for our grandson 3 days a week since she returned to work. We text each other everyday, sending each other photos, updates etc. We are always welcome but never turn up unannounced. We never go on their family days out, I'm sure we'd be welcome but it's their time together. This didn't just happen, we both made it happen. Right from the begining I asked her to be straight with me, tell me to back off or mind my own business. She never has but then she wouldn't so I have to make sure I don't cross any lines. Could you offer to do the school run? Either a set day a week, or a couple of days a week? Mornings are so busy that I don't think it would help if you went too but if you could take them! I'm sure they'd love it, mum and dad would get 5 minutes extra and the children would see their nan. Win win xx Hope it works out.
Sally.
www.teddybearsandcardigans.com
@BearandCardigan

I think this is just the way a lot of young people are these days. I have exactly the same experience. Unfortunately I do not live nearby and have to stay over if I visit, which makes it harder, although both my son and granddaughter are very welcoming, they have to get on with their lives and when in they just want to watch TV. They invariably run out of basic foodstuffs like milk and bread and seem to assume I will just buy it. I only go once a year to help with school holiday cover, when my grandson is old enough to be left alone I will probably never see them.